Parents and carers of anxious teens(part 7)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Goodness,seventh thread!
Welcome back to those who have been on board with me since the days DS was first struggling,and hello to new faces

This thread is for those who care for anxious teens.some of us have diagnosis of ASD/anxiety/depression,others are encountering and navigating escalating symptoms that are starting to prove troublesome

This is a safe,non judgemental space to share ideas,offload worries and provide support and kind words for those deep in the trenches

We get how utterly exhausting it can be and are not afraid to celebrate the small wins that in regular circles would be deemed as insignificant as participating in "normal activities"

@TartrazineCustard
Sorry to hear things are hard.
Y13 must be a very stressful time for your DS. I guess he has exams starting soon in a few weeks?
If so, then hopefully the finish line is in sight and you don't have to worry much about attendance etc.
Does he know what he wants to do after?
For now just help him get through the next month or two.
What ever it takes....his favourite meals, no pressure etc
If he does have exams soon then I would park all appointments for now and just focus on getting school out of the way.

Look after yourself during this difficult time.
We are in this for the marathon.

Xx

So she had a bit of a Saturday afternoon meltdown, which is what always happened when she was in school full time. She was okay once she was past it.

Unfortunately she’s had a bit of a bug this week and had to miss a few days. She’s been upset about it. However when she’s gone back in there’s been no issue and I do genuinely feel like we’ve turned a bit of a corner. She’s upset about the bank holiday Monday, changed days.

Thanks @DarkChocHolic & @okisenough - that was helpful advice. DS has no idea what he wants to do really, and I don't think he's in a good place to make decisions about that right now. He is very much regarding himself as a bit thick and incapable, and that's where we need to understand what's lead to that.

He's taking a gap year, but he will need to as he's dropped an A-level to cope with his stress and will likely want to make it up next year. BUT as you say, for now he has two sets of exams to do, and then he has fun sociable end-of-school plans with his friends - so it will actually be a good couple of months before it will make much sense to go hard on the private referral and any possible related new medication/adjustment periods.

I just can't believe that by time he's finally getting some proper MH support, it will probably be coming up to a year since his suicide attempt! I naively thought he'd be a priority, but I've certainly learned the truth since then. Our MH services are on their knees.

Sorry to hear about your daughter's wobble, @MinionKevin. The one step forward & 2 back can be tiring.

@TartrazineCustard
I hear you! Thinking about the future is DDs biggest trigger.
Glad he has decided to take a year out. Hope that will help him heal.
I am keeping fingers crossed my DD agrees to the same
Xx

I've posted here before some time ago about my now 15yr DD, adhd with pda traits and social anxiety.

We've had an incredible couple of yrs all in all with her now not only attending school ft, but also achieving academically and should actually leave school with qualifications, which honestly is unbelievable considering her journey.

However, the last few days she has had pretty severe panic attacks, the first one triggered by seeing a boy that ended a 9 month relationship with her, months ago.
The rejection sensitivity has been overwhelming. Unfortunately we live in a small town and she cannot avoid seeing him, and it's causing her to avoid leaving the house again.

I thank my lucky stars that they go to different schools, but my heart breaks that she can't seem to get past this, and go out and about as usual.
She has a new bf, and he is incredibly understanding, but she worries that he will get fed up with her anxiety too eventually.

I'm going to take her to the gp and see if there is any anti anxiety meds they can give her.
Does anyone have any advice on this? She's already on Elvanse, and has migraines which she takes Sumatripan for when they occur.

Also, does anyone have any tips/tools for coping better with rejection?
It was so bad in the 3 weeks after the relationship ended that I hoped she would stay single for many years (selfishly!).
She's beautiful and funny and boys seem to fall in love with her quickly. Then after a while they realise they cant fix her anxiety.
I worry there's going to be a repeating relationship pattern for her.
She doesnt have any local friends, which makes things harder.

@TamingShewolf sorry to hear about your dd and I hope she is feeling a bit better. Is it worth looking into some sort of therapy or adhd coaching for strategies on dealing with relationships?

@TartrazineCustard sadly agree about our MH services. It's terrifying to think about what this means for anyone trying to access help or at crisis point. I remember our GP saying there was no point putting us on the list as we wouldn't see anyone before dd turned 18 and then we would be kicked off anyway and have to start again on adult list. It's great to raise awareness about MH but we also need proper funded services.

Here, we have decided to stop counselling, partly for exams and revision but also DD felt it wasn't really helping that much. She's struggling to process/adapt to her ADHD formal diagnosis and the informal autism one. I am wondering whether more specialised ND counselling or coaching or even mentoring would help. I don't really know!!! Meds have definitely helped but the best next step is proving difficult to figure out.

@Okisenough, interesting that your daughter is struggling to accept her diagnosis. My DS is in a really funny place today, and I'm wondering if it's because he'd rather be neurotypical and just an A-level drop-out than someone with a "label."

@TartrazineCustard she's up and down, sometimes she's fine about it and other times she wishes she was just neurotypical and hates that she isn't. The stress of exams and school don't help. It is hard to know how to help or what to say at such times. I am hoping that after exams, she will have more space and time to process it. It is no surprise for our dc to feel this way, initially it is a relief to know there is a reason for the struggles but then you have to start learning adapt and live with it which is another challenge.

Hello everyone. I'm after some advice about what happened today. My daughter has been off school (section 19 provision at home) since Jan with mental health problems, autism, severe social anxiety etc. She wears full eye liner and false lashes to leave the house due to body dysmorphia. Today before her exam she was forced to remove all her makeup. They threatened her with this or not being allowed into the exam. She was traumatised and extremely distressed. She could bearly concentrate on the exam and left out a huge section of it. She's surely going to fail it. The school are fully aware of her situation and forced her to do this regardless. What should I do? She has another exam Monday and she can't leave home without the full makeup. I am beyond angry. I had to leave work to come home to sit with her as she was so upset.

@Theordinary I am fuming on behalf of you and your dd. Seriously WTF!! What complete a33eholes. Completely ridiculous and heavy-handed behaviour on an exam day. I am so sorry your dd had to go through this. Is there a chance you can contact the Headmaster/mistress before Monday? Is your dd up to going in on Monday? If she is, can you or another adult accompany her to advocate for her?

I hope your dd is feeling a bit better now.

Hi @Okisenough I requested a phone call from the headteacher and unsurprisingly have not heard back. I've put an email of complaint into the school. Also followed up with the exam officer about applying for special consideration. She said they are already applying for her mental illness but at best she'll be awarded 3% grade boost. I just feel so sad for her after all the work I've done to make it as stress free as possible and in one move they've destroyed it all.

@Theordinary This is terrible, I feel so bad for your daughter, and today was not the day for school to be pulling her up on make up. I completely agree a complaint is in order.i hope you both have a good weekend, and your daughter is in a better frame of mind for next week. It sounds like school have lost sight of the bigger picture ....

Update here: my DS16 will not appear for his GCSEs and has been signed off for the rest of the term by the GP for anxiety. CAMHS referred me to Family support😫.

However, DD15 has been engaging with her alternative provision and this evening went out to a restaurant with a group of school friends. So I'm feeling like there are baby steps socially.

Right now DS is outside with his camera and tripod, waiting for the aurora tonight.

So in lots of ways I'm so proud of them . We need to keep on believing that they will find their way.

@Theordinary
How awful for DD and what stress for you.
I really hope she is OK and things improve over the weekend.
Tell her she only has to bear this sh**t for a few more weeks and then she never has to step inside the school ever again.
What idiots some people are with their ancient rules.

Xx

@MackenCheese I'm sorry to hear about your son and his exams. For some of our kids these exams are too stressful to manage. I feel like the system is all wrong. Why can't we go back to a coursework and exam system like it used to be. The exams are too bloody difficult and aren't a measure of anything other than who can work well under intense pressure. My DD is going to struggle all the way through as she just freezes under the pressure and her mind goes blank. She's not unintelligent by any means and I'm sure your son isn't either. I do hope he managed to capture the Aurora last night. We went to bed at 9pm and missed the whole thing!
@DarkChocHolic thank you, I'll tell her that. Im still not sure what they are going to do about her makeup on Monday. She does wear heavy eyeliner and false lashes but this is her mask that she wears. She has acute social anxiety, autism and body dysmorphia. The school just can't get past the fact she is breaking the rules. I get it, I really do but can't they just let her sit the bloody exam how she feels comfortable. Surely they wouldn't prefer her to not turn up at all!

Yes, he got the most spectacular photos @Theordinary ! We are currently in the camera shop looking at new models (eek, this could get expensive!!!) You are right, the exams were just too much for him to get his head round.

I hope your DD gets the support she needs and doesn't struggle. Thanks everyone for listening.

@Theordinary
I'm so sorry what batshit behaviour from the school- as pp said completely losing sight of the bigger picture .
Indefensible.

@ mackencheese sorry that your son won't be able to sit exams this year but health has to come first. pleased he got some good photos of northern light- we also saw them last night it was magical.
Sounds like your daughter is making good progress.

DD2 is back from uni today we are having a quiet night in watching eurovision which DD3 loves.
We put in a pre action letter re DD3s education awarded at tribunal which is still not funded/ implemented.
And LA have called AR so I'm really concerned they will remove provision just awarded by tribunal- I don't trust them.
Just fed up with constantly fighting can never relax.
On plus side DD3s MH is good atm which is lovely - doing her art gcse has given her a boost in self esteem and she's happy her sister is home too.

@Runnerduck34
I hope you manage to get somewhere with the LA, it must all be so stressful. We're still battling away here, another exam yesterday. DD felt forced to go in without any makeup in case they humiliated her again. She was then too self Conscious to enter the exam room and refused. Despite it being the smaller room there was still around 30 kids in there and she just couldn't face being seen by them. In the end they put her in a separate room with just 3 other pupils. Why they couldn't have done this before now I have no idea. Also I just found out they forgot to give her the loops ear buds that I'd given to the Senco team for all of her exams. I'm still furious with the school at how they have made her situation so much worse.

@theordinary the school sound pretty incompetent- I understand it must be a very busy time for them but theg should be better organised than this.
I hope the rest of the exams go more smoothly

How is everyone? I hope GCSEs go smoothly this week for those taking them.

We have had some good news- following pre action letter DDs provision in her EHCP is now fully funded and LA have cancelled the Annual Review and it will now not be held until next year.
So relieved!

Spin- how are you getting on?

Zoo- How are you? I hope you are OK.

That's good news about the EHCP @Runnerduck34 you must be so relieved.
We're still in the middle of the GCSEs now, 3 more this week then a break for half term. Dd's counsellor wrote an amazing letter to the head teacher to basically tell them to back off DD and give her some space and not to do anything that will increase her anxiety. Meanwhile DD seems to have got herself a social life at last!! I'm less happy about the company she is keeping as there is some drinking and smoking going on. However I am overjoyed that she is finally finding her feet socially and has some new friends. She seems so much happier and it's lovely to see. We're going to keep a close eye on her and keep drumming in the importance of keeping herself safe and in control when she is out and about.
Her confidence is improving. She is not doing huge amounts of revision but still working really intensively with the tutors so fingers crossed she might scrape a few passes.

@Runnerduck34
Great news! Am very pleased for you.

@ordinary
I am glad DD is happy. Sometimes that's all that matters.
Hope the holidays can help her relax and college will open up even more social opportunities.

Xx

@TartrazineCustard if DS isn’t going into HE have you considered requesting an EHCNA. An EHCP can last until 25, or 26 in some circumstances. An EHCP can give access to therapies DS wouldn’t otherwise receive and without the need to sit on the normal waiting lists.

@TamingShewolf I second looking at therapy and coaching. Many GPs won’t prescribe medication for mental health conditions without them being initiated by a psychiatrist. You may get lucky and the GP agrees to prescribe something like propanol (which may help with the migraines too).

@Okisenough I hope the rest of the exams have gone OK. I would suggest coaching alongside a therapy (maybe something less like counselling like animal assisted therapy or art therapy). For mentoring you could look at Mindjam. Have you requested an EHCNA?

@Runnerduck34 glad you finally have the EHCP sorted.

We have a finalised EHCP and PB arrangement now. Some of the provision is in place, some is yet to start. DS3 needs provision building up rather than meeting lots of professionals all at once and we are going to wait for 2 tutors until they have capacity after GCSEs/A levels. It’s better we get the right tutor rather than use someone just because they are available. AR is in a couple of weeks here.

So just checking in. We are still going in. Attendance has become very regular, but better than that is she isn’t upset on the way in or outside. She’s been in every day for the last few weeks.
She had one meltdown but it was exam panic, so totally normal, and I sorted something out with the teacher.
She’s also been given 20% longer in exams.

Today she was in for 5 hours which probably is one of the longest days she’s done since the start of year 8 (she’s year 10 now). All feels good.
The only thing that has really changed is she has started playing video games and doing calls with friends in the evening and it’s really energising her. I think the social contact, even if it isn’t in person, has helped so much.
Hopefully adding another lesson on after half term when there is some more staff time, so more long days.