Learning To Like Ourselves - a thread for those who struggle with basic self care

[KintsugiKomorebi]

Anyone else really really struggle with the absolute basics of looking after themselves? I do. I grew up without learning this stuff and married someone who doesn’t know it either.

I have tried so many times to get into good habits and I have improved a bit, but the lovely mix of autism and ADHD make it really hard to manage a routine.

I am such a mess, honestly. I present an image to the outside world of someone who has their shit together but most people don’t have a clue how I really live, how I have to force myself to do even incredibly basic stuff like brush my hair. I keep on top of things like laundry - just about - but this morning I finally cleaned the mould off my bedroom windowsill that I sleep right next to, and it just makes me sad that I live like this. My skin is awful because I eat so badly, I can go days or even weeks barely leaving the house unless I have to for work.

I think for many of us this comes down to executive function difficulties, but also low self esteem. I don’t feel like it’s worth it to look after myself. But I really want to change that and I hope there might be other people like me here - not that I’d want anyone to feel like I do. If you do though please join me, and maybe we can encourage each other to look after ourselves better?

[Ilovemycatalot]

Can I join? Incredible low self esteem loathe myself. Due to a crap childhood and traumatic experiences. Struggling with basic self care right now would love to eventually even like myself again but don’t know where to start 😭

[Crabward]

Yeah there were lots of things I wasnt taught to do growing up, and others that Ive let go over the years as Ive felt worse about myself. Theres also a strange thing that I used to feel proud of the fact that it took me minutes to get ready when other women took hours, but now I wish I had paid more attention to myself (I dont want to take hours to get ready but Id like to spend time on myself)

[KintsugiKomorebi]

Thank you both for replying!

It is quite staggering just how much impact our pasts have on really basic stuff isn’t it.

I can relate to that crab (is your name a SpongeBob reference?) - I am ok with the fact I’ll never be someone who puts a huge amount of effort into my appearance but I want to do more than I do now, I owe that to myself because I deserve it right?! We all do. I grew up with (and married into) messages that taking care of myself was vanity. It’s not.

I wondered if we could share some basic steps we could take first.

My sleep hygiene has been awful again lately but the last few nights I’ve managed to sleep without Netflix playing on my phone. It’s there if I really need it (when I am very anxious it’s good distraction) but I need to break the habit again.

I have also been drinking more water and I’ve managed to take my iron and vitamin D supplements every day for about a week.

There are so, so many other things I need to make changes in, it feels overwhelming.

[skatykatie]

I too would love to join you. I have ADHD and suspect I may also have autism. I am great at prioritizing other people and being kind to others (though I rarely have that kindness returned) but I think I neglect myself pretty badly. One of the first things I've done is start spending less time on social media because the nastiness on there sometimes makes me feel even worse

[KintsugiKomorebi]

Welcome katie 💐 I can relate to social media issues, I pretty much stopped using Facebook after Covid as it was just making me so miserable. I’m using it a bit now (I was missing out on local events, community stuff etc) but it mainly seems to be funny memes that I see 😁 one bit of self care I need to do is to log in on a desktop and actually go through all the groups I’m in and pages I follow, and reduce them a lot, so I don’t keep seeing stuff that makes me anxious or unhappy.

[KintsugiKomorebi]

How is everyone?

I have been doing ok this week, I am still taking vitamins and drinking a bit more water. The focus has been my teeth though, which I’ve always struggled with. I finally saw a hygienist and I was so worried she’d be judgy and horrible but she was absolutely lovely and oh my goodness the difference in my teeth now is amazing!!! I have also had some other dental work done recently and it’s all finished now. I feel like I am truly over my fear of dentistry now which is huge, I never want to go back to avoiding that world again.

[alloalloo]

Can I join too? I have very low self esteem struggle with basic care. Just cleaning my teeth is difficult, I'll do it if I'm going out, I have to myself though, and if I stay at alone I don't bother. I only shower if I'm going out too 😳 I don't think I was taught these things either.

[Redlarge]

I have adhd and have had periods of debilitating depression. Covid lockdown ruined me and my health... weight gain, terrible skin, hair loss, teeth cavaties and infections.
Ive done work with my adhd nurses and compartmentalising really helps.
I have a list... teeth, dishes, vitamins, medication, one piece of housework.

I try and do at least one thing. Not all at once or it will never get done and revisit it an hour later.
It feels less overwhelming and gives a dophamine hit when one task is completed.
The one piece of housework can be to just tidy up living room, or make a bed, or put bleach in toilet. At least everyday something is done.

I bought a selection of different toothpastes and mouthwashes and i carry a toothbrush and paste with me, mouthwash and chewing gum with me in my work bag just incase ive only managed a quick brush.

Doing dishes everyday and drinking more water made a huge improvement when i was absolutely paralised with brain fog and overwhelmed.

Being kinder to myself and accepting that i dont function the same as others really really helped too.

I started by leaving a small glass next to the sink and everytime i was in the kitchen i would drink it.
Everytime im boiling the kettle i wash whats in the sink whilst i wait.
I dont put my hoover away. It stays out or else it gets forgotten about... object permenance etc. It means that downstairs gets a hoover at least once a week... upstairs is another matter. Luckily i only have hard floors.
Its far from perfect but its a vast improvement to where i was and breaking down the tasks means at least Something gets done.

I also found putting an album or podcast on motivates me to do a room clean... like ill make myself stay in the room till podcast finishes, im distracted rather than focusing completely (overwhelmed) by the task and in 30-40 mins you can get a lot done. Every weekend i do at least one room this way. Rather than getting overwhelmed on needing to do whole house.

[Calling]

Hi! I will join this support thread 😍 I read this thread which got me to brush my teeth, put on a bra, take my medicine and fix a cup of tea.
It works!

I was given an electric toothbrush and although I was sceptical, it does a great job v quickly.
If you met me you would not guess that I let things slide, sometimes.

[Calling]

@KintsugiKomorebi I think that you can be proud of yourself for getting to the dental hygienist and moving forward.

[moggo]

Hi everyone. This describes me perfectly but I never put it down to low self esteem which I do have. I'm a terrible procrastinator too. It's all overwhelming and feels like a hill to climb. I eat so much sweet stuff even though I've been warned not to due to risk of diabetes. It's crazy if I really think about it.

[Calling]

I that breaking tasks down to one at a time, helps a lot.

[moggo]

@Calling yes that's true. This has also inspired me to de fuzz my face, buy some night cream and do my roots! We should keep this going.

[Tiredycustard27]

Can I join? Been struggling with this for years now and it’s really taken its toll! I feel like a different person to the one I was 8 years ago and wondering if it’s too late to pull myself together.
I know what I need to do but, for the life of me, cannot do it!

Trauma, bereavement, pressure/stress, money worries, lone parenting, peri, all the signs of ADHD, massive procrastinator, anxiety …. It’s made me grind to a halt and I want to be a better role model for my children. Maybe get ‘me’ back a bit aswell. It’s now or never!

[Iwantthistobemyyear]

@Tiredycustard27

Can I join? Been struggling with this for years now and it’s really taken its toll! I feel like a different person to the one I was 8 years ago and wondering if it’s too late to pull myself together.
I know what I need to do but, for the life of me, cannot do it!

Trauma, bereavement, pressure/stress, money worries, lone parenting, peri, all the signs of ADHD, massive procrastinator, anxiety …. It’s made me grind to a halt and I want to be a better role model for my children. Maybe get ‘me’ back a bit aswell. It’s now or never!

i feel similar- lone parent life, money worries, trauma, sen child, the pandemic, lots of good lost over the last few years, other traumas too....i keep dreaming of times i could get up and sort out a whole house in a couple of days and start decorating and making things feel nice. now i can barely manage the washing up....


things i'm trying- daily journalling to try and cheer myself up. more ready meals in the fridge to stop me ordering take-away. brain still doesn't even want to chuck things in the oven sometimes.

a new business idea, to try and motivate me into getting more things done for myself.

paying a housekeeper for a few hours to try tidy alongside me and get me back in the self love mood.

things i want to conquer- daily self care like hair brushing and styling. daily showering too. washing up every day and making a healthy meal. exercising every day. doing some arts and crafts or something relaxing. it can't be as hard as i'm making it right now!

[Tiredycustard27]

@Iwantthistobemyyear Bless you - it’s hard! Sounds like you’ve got some great starting points there though. Do you journal digitally or with good old pen and paper?

the ready meals are a great idea! I also struggle to put food together and haven’t eaten a ‘proper’ meal for over a week - just surviving on snacks.

I can relate to daily showering and hair brushing etc. If i’m not at work I don’t do anything that remotely amounts to self care. Exercise is a big one and I know this can make all the difference in mood and motivation … it’s just starting that’s the sticking point.

We can do this, right???? 💪

[Iwantthistobemyyear]

@Tiredycustard27

@Iwantthistobemyyear Bless you - it’s hard! Sounds like you’ve got some great starting points there though. Do you journal digitally or with good old pen and paper?

the ready meals are a great idea! I also struggle to put food together and haven’t eaten a ‘proper’ meal for over a week - just surviving on snacks.

I can relate to daily showering and hair brushing etc. If i’m not at work I don’t do anything that remotely amounts to self care. Exercise is a big one and I know this can make all the difference in mood and motivation … it’s just starting that’s the sticking point.

We can do this, right???? 💪

Edited

oooh i hope we can, but yeah, let's try, at least!

I switched from pen and paper to digitally, because there was so much going on in my head, I couldn't write it all out fast enough. And also I have this weird fear of something happening to me and someone finding my journals.

I use this app on a laptop, and it's quite good for making my journal feel like it's all in one place, and it has a few journal prompts on there too.
Reflection.app

I feel like I need to start talking to real people as well though, with my writing- mumsnet, helps a bit with that.

oh gosh i feel you with the snacks...i've even taken to just eating baby tomatoes sometimes, instead of throwing them into a meal. everything feels a mess sometimes.

[Tiredycustard27]

Ah brilliant - thanks for the link. I’m the same regarding fear of someone finding my ramblings 🥴. I’ll check it out!

Agree talking it out in real life is ideal but I don’t really have anyone to speak to about this stuff so that’s pretty hard. It’s all internalised talk (and, alas, my internal chatter is very self depreciating).

I know the motivation doesn’t come first. Action first - then motivation comes. Theres no accountability so no-one to boot me up the backside. Also, I prioritise my children 100% but that means that by the time I’ve cared for their physical and emotional needs - there’s no energy left for me. I think that’s quite a common thing though.

sorry - I’m rambling!

Baby tomatoes ain’t so bad 😊. Have you made yourself a meal today?

[Newnamesameoldlurker]

Hi can I join? I really struggle with this stuff too. In the last couple of years I've resorted to throwing money at it- got a PT to force me to exercise regularly and I'm going to the hygienist every 3 months as I can just never force myself to do a good enough job on my teeth. But still really struggle with healthy eating, sleep hygiene and all the rest

[Alohapotato]

Can I join? I'm struggling with eating healthy.
My basics are: sleeping 7 to 8 hours everyday
Clean my teeth x2 per day
Using tretinoin cream at least 3 times week

Things I would like to add:
Exercise x3 week
Shaving/waxing legs 1 per week
Haircut

[moggo]

Exercise is the big one. I just hate it but also know it will help my physical and mental health. There are lots of things I know I should do but just can't do them. I do suffer from depression so this doesn't help.

[Iwantthistobemyyear]

@Tiredycustard27

Ah brilliant - thanks for the link. I’m the same regarding fear of someone finding my ramblings 🥴. I’ll check it out!

Agree talking it out in real life is ideal but I don’t really have anyone to speak to about this stuff so that’s pretty hard. It’s all internalised talk (and, alas, my internal chatter is very self depreciating).

I know the motivation doesn’t come first. Action first - then motivation comes. Theres no accountability so no-one to boot me up the backside. Also, I prioritise my children 100% but that means that by the time I’ve cared for their physical and emotional needs - there’s no energy left for me. I think that’s quite a common thing though.

sorry - I’m rambling!

Baby tomatoes ain’t so bad 😊. Have you made yourself a meal today?

please, ramble away. it's helpful for me to be able to be a listening ear for someone else as well.

no, i didn't make a meal. i ended up ordering a take away for me and my daughter. long story but we went to a christmas event and they didn't take card for food. she was gutted she didn't get a burger so i had to order some when we got home! i'm really wanting to make some proper food though. would love to save a bit more money for myself as well.

i'm thinking that the lack of motivation comes from not being shown enough love, especially in hard times, so not knowing how to give ourselves that love, care and attention....well that's true for me anyway!

[Iwantthistobemyyear]

i haven't managed any of the aforementioned tasks for myself today, but am hoping at some point i will.

[Tiredycustard27]

@Alohapotato your basics sound good (sleep/teeth/tret). How are you getting on with the others?

I was wfh today so showered and hair washed and took my vitamins 😇. Alas didn’t do so well with drinking water - but baby steps!

I need to get back on the skincare bandwagon as my face is looking very shabby. Aim to make sure I properly cleanse and moisturise tonight so I don’t scare everyone in the office tomorrow!

How is everyone else getting on?

[alloalloo]

I've done well today, in fact the last couple of days since posting on this thread, teeth, two showers in three days, which is good for me! Trying to drink more and not just decaf coffee. Need to start journaling again, but I'm looking for a new beautiful journal. Also need to get to sleep sooner, my mind won't switch off.