Failed at my career and want to die

[workfailure1234567890]

I know nobody can fix this and I don't need to be told this is my fault or that I deserve it because I already know that. So you don't need to say it.

I've failed at my career, my job is stressful and miserable, and my employer doesn't value me - which is fair enough because I'm worthless and useless. I can't get a different job because I'm useless and a failure.

Every day I go to work telling myself it's a new day and it's just a job and it will be fine. And every day by the time I come home I just want to die because my life is pointless and I'm a failure.

I already have the number for Samaritans and all the relevant professionals know I feel this way and have basically said it's a logical reaction to my circumstances. It's just not fixable and I have no future.

I've asked for help, accepted help, helped myself, but there's nothing that can be done to make my life bearable. I assume people are just waiting for me to get on with it and end my life now, because there's nothing anybody can do.

I was hoping today would be different or better and I'm so disappointed this is what it's come to.

First reply out of the gate, and that's the best you can do? Utterly lacking in any empathy

I don't deserve people being nice to me but I appreciate it.

Why is your job so important to you? IS it really about the job? Is there something else sapping your confidence?

My job is/was the only thing I had left. My health is already messed up (not caused by work) so I lost all my hobbies. I had a close family bereavement earlier this year. My parents died in my early twenties and I just wanted to be someone they could have been proud of and I'm not. They would be so ashamed of me if they were here.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind (we know you mentioned this), but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health Mental Health resources]]. You can also go to the www.samaritans.org/ Samaritans website]] or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

You sound so down op.

I'm so so sorry you feel so down.

I really encourage you to get help. Please do. The world is better with you in it.

If you need someone to talk to, my inbox is open no judgement at all.

That's a lot to deal with, OP - sorry you're having such a tough time.

I think if your parents would genuinely be ashamed of you, then you likely had a very difficult relationship with them and will need some therapy to heal from the trauma of all of that and then losing them so early.

And if they wouldn't actually be ashamed of you and would be really concerned to know you view yourself and them this way, then you would benefit from some therapy to resolve why you're being so hard on yourself and why you've got all this unjustified self-hatred going on.

So basically, therapy is the first step either way.

I would refer yourself for talk therapy and then also go and see your GP about being signed off from work and possibly also medication if that's something you think might help.

Honestly OP, I’ve been there. I failed my undergraduate degree. I took on a new career. Did okay in some roles but tried something new and failed. I was essentially managed out. My manager kept saying ‘You’re not where you need to be’. I couldn’t do it. They didn’t have any constructive ways to improve. In the end, I broke down in a disciplinary meeting and said I couldn’t do it any more. I was at the point of fantasising about accidents to get me out of work…very dark thoughts too.
I got transferred in the end and I was so much better. I’ve found a much better job now, ironically I got promoted and I earn more. It worked out better than I ever could have imagine.
See your GP, get signed off work. Think about the future. You are more than your job. There’s a future for you.

Your parents wouldn’t set your value on how successful your career is. Your parents would love you for being you, warts and all.

I really feel for you OP. I have felt like this in the past (I was a teacher- not sure if that’s relevant).

But you need to remember that your life is not just about a job. You are definitely much better at your job than you think ( just about everybody has imposter’s syndrome) but, more importantly, your job is just that, a job. You can earn a living doing something else if necessary. It doesn’t define you.

You need medical help - this sounds like depression. Please contact your go tomorrow to get help and ask to get signed off - you need to take a break from this stress.

I think reaching out for professional help is really important. I’d echo what other posters have said around talking therapy and seeing your GP for some immediate support.

I am sure your parents would not be ashamed of you. There is so much more to life than your career. I think reaching out for help when you are very low is something to genuinely be proud of. It is an incredibly difficult thing to do.

What ever has happened with your career please know it does not define you, there is no mistake that is worth your life. You can change careers and find a path to happiness. If you are due to work tomorrow it would probably be a good idea to take a mental health day.

I know when I have found my job very stressful the best, and hardest, thing to do is take a break.

You are more than a job and your self worth is not dependent on your career. You are so much more! Now please repeat that to yourself and go see your GP for some medication. Take time off work on grounds of mental health issues and spend time doing things you love. What you need is a break. You will feel better and will realise that this is just a phase. Life will get better and never ever ever think of killing yourself. That is not the answer to anything. You can change the narrative and you will. Just give it time. Big hugs! Take care!

Yes you do deserve people being nice to you! You deserve support and you have made the first brave step towards getting that by speaking out on here. Next step is to speak to a doctor, speak to work. People do care and they will certainly want to help.

Your parents wouldn't be disappointed OP. They love you and would want you to seek help.

My parents died in my early twenties and I just wanted to be someone they could have been proud of and I'm not.

That is really tough OP. My heart goes out to you.
Sometimes we don't see ourselves, what we have done to make people proud.

You are much braver than me because I have never started a thread on MN. That's awesome in itself, that you posted on here.

Right now there are lots of people here who do care about how you feel right now.

Keep talking to us.

There have been some really good replies here, OP. Not sure I can offer anything more. What did strike me is how much emphasis you put on your career defining you. I think that once in a blue moon, then yes, careers define people. But I'm talking about the Stephen Hawkings, the Marilyn Monroes, the Oscar Wildes. People remember them, even beyond their death, because of their work during their life and the lasting legacy they left.

But those people are unique. For 99% of people, we are just normal average human beings. And that is absolutely good enough. We simply don't NEED to be shining stars in our field. We just have to earn enough to get by and be happy.

Think of it this way: imagine most people, at the end of life, on their death bed, loved ones coming to visit to say goodbye, or to sit with them during their final moments. Do you seriously imagine that work colleagues are going to be among those people coming to visit? Or is it, instead, their family? Their brothers, sisters, children? Their closest friends. Who don't actually give a SHIT what they did to earn the money they needed to make their way through life, and may not actually even know exactly what their role was, because all they cared about was that they got to share their life with that person and enjoy being with them - as a person.

For a few people, I guess they have become such prominent people in their profession, their whole life, that a lot of their social circle may come from the same employment circles. But for most of us, the people who would visit us on our death bed simply won't be anything to do with who we worked for or what we did for a living. They just don't care. No-one cares. They honestly don't.

Remember that. And instead focus on being "good enough" in ANY job or career that will get you the money you need to live your life and enjoy spending it with the people who will be there on your death bed grateful to have spent it with you. That isn't necessarily THIS job, is it? You must see that, even in the obvious depression you seem to be in.

I wish you well. Everyone deserves more than to be worrying to that extent about the thing that simply pays the bills.

I've just read your second post. Your parents won't have died with the uppermost thought being "oh what a good [insert role] you are, we are so proud of you. My life was all worth it because you became a [insert role]" That seems silly, doesn't it? They would have died thinking of your real qualities. Remembering the shared laughter, thinking of fun memories such as holidays, or parties, little anecdotes from when you were a child, hoping you are happy in life, and if suspecting you weren't, then hoping you'd do what you needed to do to find happiness. Maybe they felt bloody proud of you, just for being you, but just didn't know how to say it.

I think you are still affected by bereavement. And it's confusing all your thoughts, and causing you not to think rationally. Bereavement counselling would be good for you, I think.

I didn't expect anybody to reply to me at all, let alone with such care. Thank you.

Thinking about it reading these replies, my job has probably filled the space where my family were. I know that's sad and pathetic but it made me feel safe and secure and part of something again. There's so much of my identity and security wrapped up in this I don't know how to start over or do anything else.

What a mess.

It’s not sad or pathetic, it’s really easy for work to start to feel like a significant part of your identity. But it isn’t who you are and it doesn’t define you.

What things make you happy? Can you take some time off and get a bit of a break?

It’s okay for changing to be a huge adjustment. What has triggered the negative feeling about your work, or have they been building for a while?

Wanting to belong is such a normal thing, and having lost your family it’s easy to see how work could be something that you put huge amounts of yourself into.

Whats most important to you in life and I’m sure people will be able to help with advice on how you can change career.

You do deserve people addressing you with care. You seem really nice, and you matter and are important.

I am sorry for all you went through x I totally understand that feeling of your job being everything to you but it really doesn’t need to be - you are worth more than a job. Your worth isn’t linked to how you earn money x

You do deserve this level of care. It's not silly at all that you've thrown yourself into work following huge losses and now understandably when there is a problem (if there is one and this isn't you being super harsh to yourself) it feels so significant because it's such a huge part of your life.

You've been so brave in starting this thread and keeping talking. You can get though this and you will. Please get some real life help too, but keep talking here if it helps too x

We're all here for you OP

It's been a hard time for you, and I'm so sorry for your loss.

Can it be that you're looking at your life and yourself too harshly? This one small question could help you show yourself more love: 'What is one small thing that is good about me?'. You can start with the tiniest thing, if you feel too bleak.

Keep doing this every day (even at the same time) and your brain will start looking for the good again. With time, and asked again and again every day this small question can make a big difference.

Please also speak to your GP about how you are feeling.

That's not sad or pathetic at all! It's brave and meaningful that you threw yourself into your career, even if it was to fill a space. But, nonetheless, it doesn't define you. As you can see from this thread, we really care what happens to you. You've been through a lot. This is probably a sign you need to go and see your GP and start making changes to bring yourself some joy xoxo

Why do you feel you've failed? Why do you feel unvalued?
What else would you like to do?

OP, just to say that I have children in their early 20s, so the age you were when your parents died (for which I am very sorry) - and I am pretty certain that they will have loved you fiercely and unconditionally for being you, rather than being "ashamed" of you.

Not sad or pathetic. I’ve had a job land me into psychiatric hospital. I too used work to define me. To some extent I still do.

Take time out. It helps. Stopping at first is hard, to go from every minute being planned to a vacuum of time. It does get better each day as you start to realise what happens.

I had therapy to help me deal with it. I will never be able to let go entirely. Work was something I could succeed at. But it is no longer my life.

What is your job? Those that work in the same field may have insight?