I am totally alone

[ohsuzannah]

I am 70 and carer for my dd aged 34. She has complex mental health problems and suspected autism/adhd. Her life has gradually disintegrated since a breakdown and suicide attempt at 23

I live in her house and she is also my carer, I have chronic arthritis, scoliosis, neck and spinal problems.

Dd has suffered from endometriosis since 2018 but due to the fact that she won't submit to an examination she hast received treatment ( recommended laparoscopy)

Now to my current situation, during the last few months she had become more and more violent towards me. I meet her needs as much as I can and do not retaliate. I've been pushed and shoved, had many things thrown at me, including a glass which cut my head. All this during meltdowns, and if I'm pushed over I can't get up and have to call a friend for help.
I've been in touch with a lady from the carer volunteer service who put in a Marac form and police attended. They promised to get help for my dd.

Last night everything escalated again and many things were thrown. Dd has also started threatening our 2 small dogs which is the final straw for me.
I rang the crisis team who were as much help as a chocolate teapot. They actually asked me what I wanted from them. They had no one to come out and don't you know it's a bank holiday 🙄
So I have come to understand that I am totally on my own and NO help will be given. 😢

So as not to drip feed, dd was in the system for 10 years having " therapy ". First diagnosed borderline personality disorder and then bipolar. No meds were given.

I give up, and I've started counting my pills, of which I have many due to various conditions. I've also come across a really effective way of helping myself off this life, found it in a book!

Thank you for reading if you've got this far and I apologise for the long post.

Your situation is absolutely horrific... but you can't keep the promise of not having her sectioned etc. You need to think very carefully about what help you need and what help she needs. You certainly won't be able to advocate for her if you aren't here. You very probably need to live away from her where you are being cared for and then try to put in place the support she needs for the rest of her life... even if she chooses not to take that support. It will take a lot of energy and support to do this and your best chance of doing so is before you are more disabled.

As I had to remind myself today it's no use setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

So sorry to read about your situation. I wonder what would happen if you turned up at a women’s refuge with your bags and say you have nowhere safe to live? Hopefully someone will know the right steps to take, it could be the same as someone leaving a domestic violence situation. I know that you still care about your daughter but you have to get yourself safe first.

My reaction too. The system is utterly failed and broken - a mentally ill woman and her physically disabled mother both left to struggle on alone, both in danger, both experiencing suicidal ideation by the sound of it, which should be a trigger for immediate help. It is beyond disgusting.

I feel for you desperately. This is terrible. Might Citizens Advice be able to help you begin to pinpoint a way forward?

@Grimbelina
That is very true. I need to get out of here, but I have to take the dogs. Yesterday she threatened to stomp on them 🤦🏽‍♀️ I've also been punched in the stomach while trying to defend them. They are the innocents in all this 😢

Take a look at flats in Extra Care schemes - some of these will allow pets and as you age the care could be stepped up so you might never need to move again. My DFIL was adamant he wouldn't go into the one we found for him but once he moved in he actually had a completely new lease of life, new friends etc. The rent was reasonable and the site had great security and a restaurant (if you wanted to eat communally etc.) amongst other things. Start to make a plan for yourself and the dogs (but please don't put their needs above your own) and then start thinking of how you can help your daughter... but at a distance.

I am not sure where you in the country but here's one that welcomes pets:

https://www.housing21.org.uk/our-properties/extra-care/#:~:text=Your%20pets%20are%20also%20welcome,and%20Care%20or%20Housing%20Manager

Try to push for a social worker OP - they usually do the recommendations for these assisted living/sheltered Extra Care places. My mother is in one and has independence, a lovely small flat, but help with preparing food/taking meds etc. And they are allowed pets if the person already has one on entry. Sure they would allow two small dogs if your circs are so extreme and difficult, some welcome pets as therapy generally.

We actually applied directly and it was incredibly straightforward and incredibly quick (weeks not months) but a very good idea to get a social worker involved to make sure you are getting all the support you can.

Yes my mum got in within six weeks too. Don't know where OP is, we are in N. Ireland so maybe different. Also worth her while getting hold of the council housing dept to get a housing assessment done - anyone living with violence can be deemed statutorily homeless, esp if it's not her own home. That can help speed up an application.

How did she come by the house?

I'm in Wales, still waiting to be allocated a social worker.
My dd bought the house after living rent free with me in my social housing flat, she was able to save for a deposit. She was ok then and working 🙁

Thank you all for the suggestions, you're all so kind!
I've had a reasonably good day today, so I'm feeling quite upbeat for now 😊