To ask for a suitable punishment for my children

[Workquestion11]

Most nights we take our youngest and our dog for a walk.
Never occurred to me to lock the back door (don't come for me, I know I know)

Just found out that my two children aged 5 and 6 have been opening our side gate and helping themselves to chocolate, money, juice anything pretty much

I'm so pissed off I don't know how to calm down

https://www.children1st.org.uk/help-for-families/parentline-scotland/

Helpline here too

Good links from @Limitedisall - would you be able to call someone?

You need to parent your children. Fucking
off and leaving a 5 and 6 year old to wonder about unsupervised because they were at
one point playing with a neighbour is unacceptable and part of the story of their poor behaviour. Again, a 5 year old doesn’t steal money without seeing that behaviour modelled to them.

@Hufflepods you need to read the whole thread, or at least OPs posts using the Filter option. OP is suffering with mental ill health and there's more going on.

@Workquestion11 please see your GP. Please get help for yourself. I've done that in the past when I was going through depression, had a psych nurse visit and assess the family dynamic. They were lovely and once I was on meds the fog lifted a bit. I've got a good idea where the depression was coming from (anger over many things in my life that I was just swallowing down, trying to keep everyone happy, 'don't make a fuss' etc) and have worked on that.

I agree with this . They are crying out for attention.

I imagine OPs depression has impacted the children in their formative years and these are the effects. And I’m not sure how engaged the father is either? It probably feels like more rejection and neglect each time they’re left in their neighbours garden for a dog. If they were otherwise secure and had lots of love and attention they probably wouldn’t feel that way.

OP there is obviously a lot more to be sorted out than dog walking or kids stealing snacks and your issues clearly run deep, but if your partner is the one insisting on keeping the dog can he not be responsible for all the walks from now on? If you’re struggling to raise kids it doesn’t make sense for there to be a dog that seems to be getting more positive attention than the children.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster than they can afford to spare.

Yes primary schools do have healthy tuck shops manned by older kids.
Op. Have you talked about a lack of money a lot with kids in earshot? Perhaps they think they are helping by getting money?

I know it's a royal pain in the arse walking a dog with young kids in tow who walk like 00000.1 miles per hour. But it may be your only option for now. Can they come alongside you with scooters etc to speed them up a bit?

I think she's just not managing the children at all, and these are the symptoms.
OP, I hope you're feeling ok this morning. There are some great links upthread, so please make sure that you get help.

Morning. I'm coming back in with a clearer head.
No I have not spoken about money in ear shot of my children. Stealing is something she's done for the last year. We went on holiday and she stole hair bobbles, and lip gloss from the neighbouring table.
She stole shells from her friends house.
She has stolen water bottles from children at school.
To me, stealing food is an issue. For the sheer fact I'd only gone shopping at 1pm that same day and the treats I had got for our movie night on Sunday is now gone.
I had got a gluten free cake delivered that morning, My eldest daughter took that to give her friends.
And also they spend a large portion of the day complaining how hungry they are. So to fill yourself up on absolute shite without asking is an issue for me.
I made dinner but as usual they didn't eat it.
That's another parenting fail, noted.
Again I had threads on this issue from 2 years ago, nothing has improved. Nothing ever improves.
Social services, health visitor, and nursery staff are all aware of the issues we have. Nothing changes, nobody helps.
And to be honest, I don't take all the children for a walk with the dog because I cannot be arsed hearing "why are we walking" "my legs hurt" "my ear hurts" for the fifteen thousand time that day. Far quicker for them to stay with the neighbours children and tbh it saves my own sanity. It also gives me a few minutes with just the youngest.
I also work 30 hours so I'm just burnt out and knackered.
Last night was the straw that broke the camels back.
Not sure what else I can say or do.

What have SS, health visitor, nursery identified when looking at the problems @Workquestion11 ? What have they advised?

You haven't mentioned seeing the GP about your own health - are you on any medication for depression?

Do you feel supported by your partner?

Ss closed the case, they said it was normal behavior (admittedly their last involvement was the end of 2021)
Health visitor said I'm not strict enough
And nursery had concerns for my second youngest, who is due to start primary school next week. Their concerns were mainly focused on her having autism but I haven't looked any further in to that.
I did try and see the GP, but tbh I'm scared about being really open about how I feel. Search my username and you'll see I've commented on a few thread about how hard I find it but if I truly admitted how I was feeling, I think I'd be locked up.
Put it this way, if I could walk away from the family I've created without causing them trauma, I'd be gone. Parenthood isn't for me but as everyone else has said (including my own mum) you chose to have them so deal with it.
No I don't, he gets how hard it is but his mentality is 'get on with it'

All the stealing is an issue, not just the food.

It sounds like you’ve created a really unhealthy relationship with food for your children, in that you’ve used food as treats, as rewards and as punishment too, which has led to their behaviour now.

OP, your frustration is completely and utterly understandable. I understand your reluctance to be honest about your real feelings, but unless you're honest with those you're engaging with, their ability to help will be limited. If you open up, stay open minded to their recommendations etc, you're giving yourself and your kids every chance to improve the current situation. Which you all badly need x

But does he get on with it too? Or does he just leave it for you to get on with?

@Workquestion11 I think you'll be surprised how many people have felt they couldn't be honest or they'd be locked up, only to then find that wasn't the case. My mum was convinced SS would remove my kids as I had a CPN visiting - they didn't. You may find medication helps just take the edge off for you - I felt that way and it did help

Autism - see GP about this for diagnosis and support. There may be a local support group. See SENDCO at school and ask them how to get diagnosis and other support available. I have autistic DC and it can be exhausting (I suspect DH is autistic too).

I wonder if you have somehow been made to feel that you're not worth getting the help, or you're making a fuss and should just get on? Maybe that's why there's reluctance on your part to see the GP too? Like you're punishing yourself? I might be way off the mark, but something is behind the depression and I've found it's usually a lack of self worth.

I did try and see the GP, but tbh I'm scared about being really open about how I feel.

It's scary to try and explain yourself to a doctor. Are you scared to admit it or scared they'll judge you?

You can self-refer for therapy if you would prefer to try than first instead.

It's ok to ask for help. They won't judge you. They'll have heard what you say, and much worse, before. They just want to help you get better.