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Original poster

It's just hit me, DS3 is never going to have the same sort of relationship with DH that DS1 and 2 have.....

33 replies

FAQ · 26/02/2008 23:26

because of us splitting up. He's only 9 months old and so hasn't really had the opportunity to "bond" with DH like DS1 and DS2 have. Obviously it's going to be different for them too - but the "ties" are already there.

I'm in tears here now as DS3 (my longed for 3rd child) isn't going to get a chance to form those same sort of ties as his older brothers

OP posts:
skyatnight · 26/02/2008 23:29

Don't worry FAQ. Your husband will see DS3 when he sees DS1 and DS2. It won't be quite the same, but not far off, hopefully? DS3 is his son and his longed-for 3rd child too.

Original poster
FAQ · 26/02/2008 23:31

DH didn't want a 3rd child (actually suggested I had a termination when I found out I was pg - wasn't planned at all) - although he does love DS3 now I just can't see that it's going to be the like the same for him as it will for Ds1 and 2

OP posts:
KerryMum · 26/02/2008 23:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dippydeedoo · 26/02/2008 23:33

FAQ but a fantastic bloody mum is better than a resentful dad any day.....youre littlest babe will grow up secure and loved - you and his brothers will ensure that ((hugs))

Original poster
FAQ · 26/02/2008 23:34

been simmering since this time last year, thought we were getting back on track, but all blew up again about 1 month ago. Sunday decision was made that we're definitely going to split.

OP posts:
KerryMum · 26/02/2008 23:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
FAQ · 26/02/2008 23:35

he doesn't resent DS3 at all - he adores all 3 of them (in fact I know you can't really "spoil" a baby - but DH definitely spoils DS3.....).

OP posts:
skyatnight · 26/02/2008 23:36

Have DH and DS3 bonded now, cuddled? Surely they have in 9 months? I would think neither of them will want to give that bond up?

Original poster
FAQ · 26/02/2008 23:37

yes - I really hoped that we could work things out - find compromises that we were both happy with - but he's not swaying

OP posts:
skyatnight · 26/02/2008 23:37

Are you planning to move away?

Original poster
FAQ · 26/02/2008 23:39

yes they have - lots of times (until DS3 started sleeping through a month or so ago he was doing all the feeds before 4am).

But it's not really the same as the relationship a 4yr old and a 7yr old have developed....

OP posts:
dippydeedoo · 26/02/2008 23:39

sorry faq i misunderstood.....

S1ur · 26/02/2008 23:39

Yes. the relationship may be different. But relationships depend on so many things, the kind of people they are, the interests they have.

Early bonding is important but not the be all and end all.

Your ds3 may be an avid rugby player like his dad and be the one that feels most at ease with him. Or he may not. There is no way of predicting these things so no point in worrying about this aspect of the shit you're going through

FWIW your babies (all of them) will adjust and be happy and you will be too. sometime .

Original poster
FAQ · 26/02/2008 23:40

not planning on moving away in the forseeable future - but haven't ruled it out completely (yet) - will wait and see what the next 12 months or so hold and re-think it.......

OP posts:
DaDaDa · 26/02/2008 23:40

FAQ, it's actually great that you can think of that when you're in the middle of splitting - you'll try to make sure your DS's keep a good relationship with their Dad even though you're not together. I'm sure you'll make a great job of it and your ex will always love all of them.

Original poster
FAQ · 26/02/2008 23:45

I suppose - it just feels like I've pulled DS3 the short straw (so to speak) - and that he's going to have to make do with getting to know his dad in "bits" unlike his brothers who've had years to do it (even if it was only 20 minutes - or less - some days because of H's work)

OP posts:
skyatnight · 26/02/2008 23:46

It's very normal for you to be fretting about all the implications of the split. I know it has been a long time coming but deciding on it is different from thinking about it. It will start to become real for you and you will grieve over what would have been your future as a family all together. When you have done that grieving, it will take a while, you will be able to look forward.

I expect your husband will go through a similar process and you will no doubt have some useful discussions in the months ahead.

S1ur · 26/02/2008 23:51

It'll be different. But more focused bits might be good. snatched twenty mins is hard, dedicated time is special.

it's very early. You don't know how it'll pan out. I sorry you're worried. I think your DS3 won't have detriment to his life, anymore than all of you having to go through this.

Original poster
FAQ · 26/02/2008 23:53

I just feel so cr*p - DH has never brought up the prospect of splitting up - it's only ever been me that's brought it up as an option - and tbh I'm not sure he ever would have brought it up either. I don't want to split up - but at the same time can't help feeling that if I'd never mentioned the idea of splitting then we'd still be staying together .

OP posts:
skyatnight · 27/02/2008 00:00

You are going through the worst part of the cognitive dissonance that comes after a major decision, particularly one so big as leaving your husband. It is high anxiety that goes with this territory.

I can understand your logic of why you might feel guilty about DS3 and initiating discussions about splitting-up but you really tried hard to find another way, didn't you?

I haven't read every post on every one of your threads but he wasn't listening, was he?

You may end up getting back together in the end but I think you needed to take a proper stand at this point. And you have done.

Original poster
FAQ · 27/02/2008 00:02

I can't help wondering if I hadn't blurted out in an argument the idea of splitting up - but had mentioned the idea of Relate first (or even mentioned it first in a calm discussion) that we wouldn't be doing this now. For him I'm sure he just heard the words "splitting up" - thinks that's what I want so doesn't see the point in making any effort

OP posts:
skyatnight · 27/02/2008 00:19

Oh FAQ. You poor thing. You're really feeling it bad right now. The realisation of what is happening. But your mind may be playing tricks on you.

I don't think it is possible to give advice about this. If I had been a fly on the wall in your house when you were talking to DH, then I might have more of an idea about whether there was anything worth saving or any chance of saving it. But, in theory, it's never too late. In practice, who knows?

I think you have to get through the next few days and weeks and see how you feel then. If you tried to fix things and go back now, you might get rejected and, even if you weren't, you'd be back to square one and it probably wouldn't work or get any better.

I know the trip to Edinburgh and the ultimatum about Relate were a bit of a cry for help but he didn't respond, did he? Is that because he's really dumb about women and emotions or because he didn't care enough?

I would sleep on it and see how you feel in the morning. Hopefully, he is thinking about it too.

Original poster
FAQ · 27/02/2008 09:08

I don't think he's thinking about it it really - apart from the practicalities/financial side of things.

He's never been the best at understanding women and emotions so it could be that.......or it could just be that he doesn't care.

Had a horrible morning with DS1 - he came downstairs and was just a PITA from the second he got in - so feeling like a cr*p mum again too.

OP posts:
skyatnight · 27/02/2008 09:52

'Morning FAQ.

Re. your boys, you could look at some of PinkChampagne's threads on the Lone Parents, Behaviour and Parenting boards. She is a very conscientious parent and has been concerned about her two boys, 4 and 8, since she split with their father, a year or so ago. (Hope PinkChampagne doesn't mind me referencing her.)

Hope you are not feeling too bad today. You're bound to feel very up and down at the moment.

skyatnight · 27/02/2008 09:53

And you are not a crap Mum!