I don’t want to be here - life getting too hard

[Iwishiwasabutterfly]

Please help me.

I feel as if I’m drowning. My head is telling me to jump into my car and drive into a wall. That it would be easier if I wasn’t here. My head is spinning with all sorts of thoughts. My husband is at his wits end with worry. I constantly think bad of him, accuse him of all sorts. Affairs, doing this or that when it’s not reality. But when my head goes into a spin, my thoughts are erratic. I tried medication. Did not help. Trying to come off it and really struggling to get off it. Doctors very little help. I’m not surprised there is crazy amounts of suicide when the health care system is the way it is. I’ve tried counselling over the years but don’t think it’s been right.

please help me find the right therapist. Please. I want to continue my life. But sometimes, most of the time my head is telling me to throw it in.

SSRI’s did not work for me at all. Fluxotine make me extremely ill. I’m currently coming off an SNRI.

thank you everyone.

If anyone could suggest any more therapy routes it would be wonderful.

3.30am and have not had an ounce of sleep yet and back up at 6.15am,

tomorrow night I will need an sleeping aid for sure.

i need sleep. Brain doesn’t have an off button

Please hang in there.

A psychotherapist can help you but you need to have someone who is really experienced and is not there to just have a chat but will actually have ideas as to how to help you to change how you think and how you feel.

It sounds like you feel like you are spinning out of control because you are scared and it feels uncontained. A therapist who is able to hold strong boundaries will help you to feel safe again. Being able to talk honestly about your suicidal feelings will ease some of the burden you are feeling.

If I was working with you I'd been exploring what in your past has led you to feeling so uncontained and vulnerable. Having awareness of what is going on for you can be extremely validating and reassuring. It can help you to see a way forward. It must be very frightening to feel how you are feeling right now, but I hope it helps you to realise that you are not alone in feeling this way and that things can be different.

I would go on the BACP website or the Counselling Directory website to find someone. Speak to at least three therapists before arranging to see one. You can ask them how they would help you to feel more balanced right away (they should have some answers for this, around helping you to regulate your feelings and to calm your anxious bodily sensations) and then what strategy they would adopt to help you in the longer term (they should also have some ideas about this: which might include greater self awareness, psychoeducation so you understand better why you are feeling this way, working through any difficult past experiences, developing kinder self talk, having strategies to deal with anxiety, having a healthier lifestyle including better sleep and exercise routine - which have a massive impact on rates of anxiety and depression, establishing a greater sense of safety through the therapeutic relationship etc.)

The main message to take away from this is that things can be different. You don't have to always feel this way. There is hope out there but you just need to find the right therapist for you. Someone who is both effective and that you can trust to be open with.

In the mean time you might find it beneficial to watch some online youtube videos. Brad Yates has lots of EFT (tapping) videos. Many people find it calming to tap along to relaxing scripts that he gives. Emma McAdam does excellent videos on learning to contain and process your emotions Therapy in a Nutshell. Pete Walker has a page on his website about understanding and dealing with emotional flashbacks. Try doing some yoga or tai chi or swimming, anything that combines exercising the body with stilling the mind. If you like animals spend some time petting animals. If you like water, spend some time in the sea or a pool.

Good luck OP.

As PP said, check out Counselling Directory. The most important factor in achieving positive outcomes in therapy is the relationship between you and your therapist.

Browse the profiles, many offer free initial short chats so you can get a feel for them and ask them questions around how they work and what you would actually be doing during the sessions. Chat with as many as you need to.

No, your children will not be better off without you. Depression is terrible, but I promise you it will get better, even if you can't see it right now.
Go to your GP and ask for help. Please. Sending love to you. xx

So sorry to hear of your struggles OP. Your friends and family would definitely not be better off without you - statistically they would be more at risk so you are protecting them by staying here and fighting each day.
Do you exercise? I'm currently in a difficult patch and also struggling to sleep but I know when I've done regular exercise it has helped enormously- at different times different things have worked and most recently I've tried a 6am boot camp in the park which was brilliant to be up in the peace and quiet and greenery before the world gets busy.
Also walking quite fast listening to podcasts or music helps. The endorphins and physical tiredness help your body sleep which make your days so much calmer. At night everyone feels worse about everything. When we're tired everything is worse too. If that situation alone continues we become more vulnerable to heartache and depression.
Give yourself every chance of fighting this by taking practical steps as well as looking at what talking and medicinal treatments.
How old are your children? Could they walk/exercise with you? Could you build it into your day so walk to/from school?
Good luck and please hang in there - they need you so much xxx

OP, I’ve been thinking of you. Re therapy routes, I wonder if CBT would be helpful. It can really help us to change the thoughts and feelings patterns which can take such a hold on us when we’re vulnerable. It might be worth looking for/asking about that when finding your counsellor. For now, try to focus on just getting through each day, one day at a time. Make sure you do things which can give your mind relief, like spending time outside, noticing nature and changes in nature around you, focussing on really listening to your children when they talk, making contact with friends/old friends you love and who you trust in your life. Find podcasts which would interest you. Keep looking after yourself too, even if you have to make conscious efforts, you must show compassion, kindness and care towards yourself xx

I wouldn't worry about scaring other people, OP. I'm trying a sixth right now.

I have tried (but can't spell):

Sertaline (awful)
Fluxotine (really good but wore out)
Mirtazipine (fab but gained 3 stone)
Citalopram (did nothing)
Venaflaxine (the worst exp of my life)

Now on Paraoxitine which has been OK. I've added Mirtz again for the Summer holidays so I can sleep.

Any chance of getting on a clinical trial for Ketamine? It looks very effective for long term depression that nothing else works for.

Have a look at my AMA on remedial hypnosis. It's another option.

My son was like you ten years ago. I thought nothing could help and despaired, even thought maybe I could ask the doctor if he could have electric shock therapy. In the end he was prescribed Fluexotine, but had to go up to 60mg. He was also prescribed antipsychotic medication and ADHD medication. He has been fine ever since. Sometimes it’s about finding the right combination of meds. I should add that he is on the spectrum and it’s very common to suffer depression if you have autism. Do you think you might be neurodivergent in any way? Just a thought. I am surprised Fluexotine made you feel ill. Maybe the AD that do work for you need the dose increasing? Therapy does nothing for my son because it’s not depression that is trauma based, it’s a lack of Seratonin in the brain. It may be the same for you. Don’t dismiss medication because of a few negative experiences. It’s trial and error but there will be a combination that works for you.

fluxotine made me really ill. Doctor said my body obviously can’t adapt to SSRI’s and now snri’s.

my mood is still unbearably low. Head won’t stop with bad thoughts

OP have you reached out to any therapists?

I don’t know which

@Eyesopenwideawake No one in this region seems to offer that service

Have you checked out counselling directory? Lots offer online or telephone counselling too if there is no one near by.

Just try one whose profile appeals to you and seems to understand your issues and go from there. You can leave and change counsellors at any time. Do the free initial phone calls and explain how you are feeling and see if you like what they say in response.

Which region are you in?

I have a colleague in Derry who works both in person and via Zoom, as do all practitioners. Happy to send you his details if you'd like.

Have you self referred to the NHS? You can get advice online if you Google it. Usually a waiting list of around 3 months, but you could be seen earlier. I've found the NHS services to be better than private actually.
There are lots of different medications. I would return to your Dr to discuss in more detail. At least it might speed up mental health referral.

The calm app is good for emergency mood issues. Their sleep stories are also good. I use a blue tooth sleep mask so that I can listen to them in bed.

Achieving things releases endorphins. Set yourself small tasks, be specific about when you will realistically do them, then tick them off. Also plan rewards for afterwards.

Planning what you will do each day in advance is really helpful. I've learnt techniques to keep myself afloat. They do work, but it does feel as though I have to manage my condition daily.

Is it venlafaxine you're trying to get off? I reduced from 112.5mg to 75mg ten days ago. Anxiety and OCD thoughts magnified. Palpitations, difficulty breathing etc.
The type of psychotherapy that helps me is relational.

@Greenberg2 thank you so much for your very insightful message.

but you need to have someone who is really experienced and is not there to just have a chat but will actually have ideas as to how to help you to change how you think and how you feel.

This is what I need. Spot on. It’s making me very anxious though that I just can’t find someone to truely help.I’ve been to on average 5 consillors and as nice as they were and chatted, none REALLY helped me. When I’m feeling ‘good’ I feel myself. But when that bearable low comes, or paranoia or intrusive thoughts etc, this is when it gets dangerous and I can’t cope with it. I feel as if I’m going crazy sometimes and it scares me incredibly

@FlopsiesAngrySandwich yes. The ‘devils tic tac’ that I recently seen someone refer to it as and it’s a pretty spot on description. I know it helps numerous people, me? No. It done the opposite. It magnified everything and more. Coming off it is hellish isn’t it. My goodness. Doctor promised me when I first was suggested it, lots of support when it come the time I needed to come off. They have been dreadful support to the point it truely shocked me. I’m nearly 2 weeks fully off. Horrendous on it and horrendous coming off. I feel so lost knowing what to do next. Keep going, you are doing brilliant. U will get there. It is horrid but slow and steady reduce. I came off very quickly but I panicked and got extremely anxious. Doctor wanted me back up to 150mg after I got down to 12.5mg and do it over again but slower. But there was absolutely no chance I was doing that and I made the final jump off.

@Oioicaptain thank you. They had referred me to the MHT but they reviewed me and didn’t think I qualified for the CPN. They then discharged me.

just want to nail it now. I don’t want to go through my life hitting extreme lows like this every few days/weeks/months. I will go back to doctor next week but it will be the normal, eat better/walk more. All the things I do actually do. My problems are so much more than eatting/walking more. If only it was as simple eh……