I don’t want to be here - life getting too hard

[Iwishiwasabutterfly]

Please help me.

I feel as if I’m drowning. My head is telling me to jump into my car and drive into a wall. That it would be easier if I wasn’t here. My head is spinning with all sorts of thoughts. My husband is at his wits end with worry. I constantly think bad of him, accuse him of all sorts. Affairs, doing this or that when it’s not reality. But when my head goes into a spin, my thoughts are erratic. I tried medication. Did not help. Trying to come off it and really struggling to get off it. Doctors very little help. I’m not surprised there is crazy amounts of suicide when the health care system is the way it is. I’ve tried counselling over the years but don’t think it’s been right.

please help me find the right therapist. Please. I want to continue my life. But sometimes, most of the time my head is telling me to throw it in.

Ahh honey please know that you are so special to your family and your friends, think of the devastation that you would cause if you ended your life ..Would you think about being admitted to hospital and I'm sure some mental health expert could offer you help ..please be careful coming off your medication, you need to follow your doctors instructions with how to come off them slowly .Just remember you are unique and special and the sun will shine again for you, you just need the right help .Please hang in there xx

You’re not well, and so many peoples lives would be sadder without you in it. How old are you?

Medicine hasn’t worked you say but there are lots of combinations and things to try.

Your husband is at his wits end because he loves you. Hold on to that.

I have had some severe mental health issues for about 20 years. I haven’t taken medication for about 10 years. It may sound too simplistic but I have learnt to cope with the ups and downs with diet, avoiding alcohol, gardening, staying hydrated and getting enough sleep whenever possible.

the wanting to drive your car into a wall is a common thing so don’t think your alone. There is always another way, take it one day at a time.

I can’t help with the therapist because I’m yet to do it as I’m scared to dredge things up but there are good websites for local therapists with reviews.

I hope this is in some way helpful

The Samaritans can talk to you right now if you ring them.

I’m here for a bit, let it out. My mental health has been at the point where I just wanted to end it all but I got better and you will too. Don’t let this define your life, it’s just a dark moment you’re going through and that dark cloud will pass with the right help. Can you afford to go private?

truely appreciate every single reply 😞

my head is telling me no one will care. That my children would be better off without me and that they would get over it. I feel like screaming with anger and frustration. I don’t know what to do. I regret the day I ever put a tablet in my mouth. It really has made me significantly worse. I’ve ended tapering then cold turkey. I hate them. I just want to get better and not feel like I’m treading water in my life. Will
it get better,

It will 100% get better. Are there things that you could do tomorrow. Like talk to a friend, that will help. It’s gone on so long for me that at bad times I can see what’s happening from the outside so I don’t necessarily buy into my feelings if that makes sense, I know it’s temporary.

always talk to someone even it’s about something completely unrelated. You’re alive and you matter and things can improve.

i have done all this and feel no different. I feel like I’m a burden to everyone as they have listened to my circus for a long time now. I feel so lost and lonely. My life is a mess at the minute and will be for a few months, I just need power and strength to get through it and I don’t have it

Can you call The Samaritans? Just for now. Then an emergency appt with your GP tomorrow.

You are strong enough to overcome your thoughts. You are.

Your children need you. They do.

You will be free of the medication. Tapering off is so hard. It really is.

It's early July now. How many more days do you need to taper?

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves than they can afford to spare.

@Iwishiwasabutterfly first off, thank you - I now have that song in my head (which is good because I loved it and the programme!).

When you can't imagine not feeling better it's kind of natural for your mind to look at every option open to you. We've all stood at the top of a tall building or the edge of a cliff and momentarily wondered what it would be like to take a step forward, but the brain is all about self preservation which is why it very quickly tells us not to do it.

Just as there was once a time when you couldn't contemplate feeling like this there is a time ahead when you will look back and find it hard to remember feeling so low. Imagine you were in a locked room with no light but then you realised that, somewhere in that room, there was both a light switch and a key, it's just a matter of finding them.

What brought you to this dark place? That light switch, that key is often dealing with the trauma, event or beliefs that put you in the room in the first place.

How are you feeling today, OP?

This is so sad and I want to tell you people WILL CARE if you make the decision to end your life. My brother committed suicide 10 years ago (I'm 32 now) and he had exactly the same thoughts as you wrote above. He thought we would be better off without him but he could not have been more wrong. The pain I'm felt since he left is indescribable and I wish I had had an opportunity to tell him before he made the decision that he did. It's a sickness that's making you think like that - your family and kids and everyone around you love you and will want to support you to help you get better. Please remember that those who love you will not be better off without you. I wish I could do more for you x

Still feeling unbearably low. I feel there is no help out there. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I will pay private if I knew the person would help me. I feel like I’m just plodding along waiting for the next almighty low to hit. I desperately want to get better. I yearn for the life I have in my head sometimes. So many plans. Simple but happy. I just can’t grasp it. There is so much badness aimed at me and I can’t hack dealing with it

Please pay for private therapy. I do. You can find a therapist here:
https://www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists

There is help, lots of it. If you could describe what's brought you so low (without being outing, of course) we can suggest the types of therapy that can best help you.

I’ve paid private before, several times, now I need to search a therapist who can actually be beneficial this time. at the moment i need of this anti depressant, it’s tearing me apart.

Have you tried any holistic therapies? Acupuncture? Massage? Even the oxytocin from another person touching your skin could help.

You need to go back to the person who prescribed this anti depressant. You may or may not need medication but you shouldn’t come off it cold Turkey. They can also help you access other forms of help like CBT.

Which one is it, OP?

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you are going through such a tough time, it sounds incredibly hard. You are not alone, you are loved and so important. Also, although it feels almost unbearable at the moment, I promise it won't always feel like this, you will feel better. Please remember that. Regarding a therapist, sometimes it's better to find a counselling psychologist rather than a counsellor. I tried several counsellors but it was a counselling psychologist who helped me most. Are you able to take care of yourself right now?
I had a cousin take his own life - I can only imagine the pain he was in, but I'm sure, it's nothing compared to the pain he's left behind, for the ones he loved and who loved him, the most. Please, keep talking to us here on Mumsnet, you are not alone

Thank you. I will look into counselling psychologist. Has anyone else tried this form before or can suggest any that has helped them. I so desperately want to feel better. Not a short term fix but to finally feel better completely. I’m just so tired and lonely.

I don’t know whether to share the name of this AD incase I scare someone from taking it. I know it’s helped people before. None of them helped me. But it’s this one that is a bugger(understatement) to get bloody off. Suppose I tapered as far as I could then off. Doctor wanted me to start again and taper even slower but I couldn’t.

There are all sorts of anti depressants and I would go back to the doctor with your husband to advocate for a change of tablet.

I know afew people who take setraline. Some liked it. One didn’t. Another friend was on amytriptaline. My sil has been on and off Escitalopram.

when you feel like life is one grey mass to be dragged through it’s hard to make choices, advocate for yourself. I wish you well.