I don’t think I like who my child is becoming and I am afraid for our future

[NC2506]

So <deep breath> I do want to be honest here and there’s a good chance I won’t come out well in it but please hear me out.

I have one child, a boy, he is 2 and a half. He was an absolutely beautiful baby and I know there may be some bias there but he was so smiley, gentle and loving. I loved him so much, I still do.

I noticed he started to change at around 16 months. We had a play date with another child the same age as him and he was awful to her, pushing her away from his toys and wouldn’t let her near anything. As far as I can tell that’s been the start of over twelve months of very challenging behaviour towards other children. Between 17-20 months I had daily reports of him biting at nursery. The biting seems to have stopped now but he pushes and he will kick and hit.

I know everyone will say what am I doing about it as a parent and honestly everything I can. I say no firmly. I follow him round like a hawk and physically stop him hitting or anything. But it’s not foolproof, a few days ago he was at the top of a slide and shoved a little boy away. I know he knows what no means but he carries on doing it.

It’s now been fourteen months since I noticed him pushing that little girl and I can’t put into words how upset it makes me. I am worried he’s just quite aggressive by nature, or that maybe I’ve somehow done something that has made him that way?

I am posting because I feel like we’re on the cusp in a way of that sort of behaviour being tolerated. In very young toddlers people sort of expect it but by three (he will be three in December) I don’t think it will be tolerated at all. And he won’t have any friends and will be isolated at school.

He has become very aggressive elsewhere as well. He has started to scream at me and push me - he can’t push me over or anything but he’s really strong! - and he has destroyed a few things by hurling them around and just screaming in this sort of mad rage. That’s just been this past week.

My big worry is the dislike I feel for him when he is unkind. I hated bullies at school and I always thought I’d have a zero tolerance approach to any physical stuff but it’s harder than I thought when your child doesn’t listen to a word you say. Even when he’s being affectionate which tbf is a lot of the time, he can be delightful, but he can be quite rough, climbing up on me and he often laughs if I say ow or wince a bit.

I just am desperate to know what to do?

At 2 and a half, my dd1 used to freeze and cry if another child came near her. She was food phobic. She hated her little cousin (one year younger) and used to shove her.

She's now nearing adulthood. Has a great group of friends, loves her waitressing job, is off to uni. Cooking is her favourite hobby. She is best friends with her cousin.

At 2 and half, my dd2 discovered the joy of hitting. She would hit and hit and hit: me, her sister, friends. I won't lie, it went on beyond toddler years. But now she is the sweetest soul, always the first to step in and protect other kids, her teachers always comment how kind she is.

When our kids are 2, we see them going through lots of changes and trying different behaviours. We don't know when what we are seeing is a permanent trait and when it is a passing phase. The things we spend nights worrying about are often forgotten, while the problems we didn't expect rear their heads.

Deep breath, OP. Toddlers can be little psychopaths. The odds are that this, too, shall pass.

I will say this gently this is your stuff, have you had a bad experience with bullies/violence and this is triggering for you?

Your son is two years old, and he is just a baby and figuring things out. Is he getting frustrated because he can’t communicate fully? Are there consequences when he bites?
Obviously removing him and stopping play/toys and going home if you are out and eventually he will learn.

Remaining calm and in control, at all times will help him feel safe.

Dont label him or see this situation as catastrophic- it’s not. Just keep being firm, kind and patient with him. He is a human being learning how to do life, he doesn’t have to be perfect/ well behaved - he hasn’t learnt to regulate just yet that’s all.

Thank you. I do outwardly appear calm, or mostly anyway. I did once lose my cool and dragged him into the toilet with me when I just cried. But that’s really the only time I think.

This is what is so hard to understand, he’s been raised with so much love and gentleness and his needs have been met. I know you are both right and ‘he’s two!’ is as good an answer as any. I think the thing is that I keep thinking we’re coming to the end of this phase then suddenly we’re not. And although I recognise in an academic way it is normal, the other kids don’t seem to behave like it.

Babies are programmed to make sure their needs are satisfied - they scream their heads off to get food, because in their small undeveloped minds they are about to die of starvation. When they are toddlers, they have needs and wants that are huge in their minds, so they go all out to get what they want, even if that involves thumping someone else.

Gradually children are socialised, partly by instruction and appropriate mild sanctions, but also partly because they learn to delay gratification, and realise that the things they want will come but not immediately. It is a learning process. They also learn a lot by example of course.

As with all progress, children develop at different rates and your DS is taking a while to get this one - it really does not mean there is anything wrong with him and he is destined to become a thug! His brain is still developing and setting down connections and he will reprogramme himself over time and with your support.

Our children do some horrid things as they develop into the lovely adults they become - we just have to hang on in there and have faith that all will be well.

You need to be firm when he does this - remove him - tell him no, gently but firmly - stop the cuddle in which he has thumped you. But you can also model good behaviour in a positive way too - "This is what we do when we cuddle - we do not hit." "We do not hit." " You cannot have that toy at the moment as X is playing with it - let's look at this one instead." etc.

It can be jolly hard work! I am sure you will get there in the end.

Don’t feel you have fo justify his behaviour all of the time, obviously if he has bitten someone it is different but being quite relaxed and allowing him the space to be a toddler will be easier all round. It will pass.

He sounds perfectly normal to me. But your reaction is a little off - honestly he will grow out of it - little children don't always have a huge amount of empathy, it comes with age. Try not to dislike him or to over-react, honestly it's all normal.

It's called 'the terrible twos' for a reason OP. Some DC (not all DC, as you can see), are simply awful at two. Mine were delightful at two, but not so much at three (threenagers) and four (in the immortal words of SIL 'the fucking fours')

Just do what you're doing, keep saying 'No', remove him from situations where he's behaving badly, take him home from the park, the playdate, the soft play, if he can't play nicely and be kind to other DC. This isn't about you or your parenting, it's just that most DC are really hard work at some point.

How is his speech? My friends little boy used to be quite physical (not helped by the fact he was very big for his age so looked older) and she had to be on her toes at all times. He was quite delayed with his speech and as he started catching up with his peers he really changed. He's 11 now and he's so lovely and mild mannered.

It's not fun but you just have to keep on socialising him, being clear about not pushing/hitting and I'm sure he'll mellow.

Fwiw I've never had a problem if a child has pushed one of mine as long as I see the parent is watching and trying to stop it, most of us have been there at some point. The problems come with aggressive behaviours where the parent doesn't seem fussed or isn't watching.

I was honestly expecting this to be about a near teenage age child, not a 2 yo, it is good to calm bad behaviour (not the best use of the expression) but far out he is 2!, if you genuinely think this then you really should seek some help for yourself to manage this

Eh? This is quite normal behaviour for toddlers. My DS was a terror. He grew out of it.

Oh God these stages are awful- sympathies. I'm going to say the same as everyone else but with my own spin.

Positive, positive, positive. Slather him in positive feedback. Right now, is he shouting, hitting anyone? If not, what is he doing? Tell him how great it is to see him doing X. If you have a good moment at the dinner table, however brief, tell him so. Tell him you love being with him when he's eating and chatting like this. Roar with laughter at his jokes. Tell him how much fun he is to be around when he entertains you. If he has any positive interactions at all with other children, tell him what he's doing right. If he lashes out afterwards, a quick 'No', remove, tell him he's done well to stop. Take him off to do something with you and tell him howuch you enjoy doing that with him. Keep it simple, not lengthy explanations, just 'you're so great when you do Y.'

There's a terrible toxic discourse out there about how children should be told off and told No in public much more. Its bollocks. Actually if you look at children who are badly behaved, they are often being relentlessly told off, in between patches of being ignored. Often thats because parents are on their knees with exhaustion, isolated, but also because they think that other parents will judge them if they don't tell their kids off. It's actually got nothing to do with the children at all.

He's 2 and he has his own needs, which you are meeting. Don't be afraid. I'm not going to say everything will definitely be fine with no challenges, but at this stage there's every chance you will both be FINE.

I know I am not proud of these feelings and they aren’t all the time. Sometimes he’s lovely but it’s just so upsetting when he turns on another child. Sometimes there’s some logic to it but other times he does just seem to take a dislike to someone.

And it’s been going on so long. I think that’s what is making me so down about it.

Speech is following normal guidelines but not as good as some kids his age.

What's his communication like? If he struggles to talk/ask for what he wants, it'll come out physically.

Help him name what he's feeling but keep the boundary firm where physical violence is concerned. It's ok to be angry, it's not ok to hit, I won't let you. And then restrain him or take him away from the situation until he's calmed down. Every single time.

He's 2, so little. My lo is 3 and there is still a LOT of biting/pushing/hitting at nursery (from all of them). They get tired, overstimulated, they're figuring out social interactions, they're struggling with sharing. Try to be patient, it should pass.

One thing though, he might also be picking up from you that you're finding his behaviour really challenging and starting to dislike him. That could make him worse. He needs to know that however he behaves, you are there to love him and keep him safe. That's not to say ever excusing the behaviour, you step in ever time. But try to meet it with love and empathy rather than disappointment and worry.

I used to work in a family-run restaurant where two teenage nephews chipped in. Aged maybe 12 and 14 or so. They were the most lovely, mature, polite boys and you could see they really took others into account.

One day I said to their aunt how lovely they were and she told me that they had been holy terrors when younger, making other children cry, couldn’t leave them alone for a second, and so forth. You would never have guessed it though.

I’m not suggesting that all rude teenagers have been badly parented but clearly it can pay off to consistently supervise and correct your children!

That said, at your son’s age I wouldn’t be worrying. My own DS is very timid and gentle but at 2 he was sometimes pretty rough with other kids. It’s normal.

He will probably grow out of it, though 2.5 is when my DS started showing signs of neurodiversity and one of those was melt downs beyond normal toddler tantrums and being aggressive / lashing out at others. He still does this at almost 5 and needs 1 to 1 support at preschool. So, sometimes it's 'normal' and sometimes it isn't but usually it's just a phase.

I thought this was going to be a teenager too OP, honestly his behaviour is pretty normal.

My daughter is three and a bloody nightmare quite honestly, she's my third child and I know the drill now but she's a biter and a hitter and can be quite unpleasant to tell the truth. But as I say, I know the drill, and all this stuff is a phase. Even quite 'terrible' two year olds tend to grow out of it.

I try and cherish the nice moments with my daughter - she's funny and smart and very affectionate - and try to ignore the bad ones. I think this is the only way because a 2/3 year old has no empathy - they don't really develop that until later, so they don't give a shit about consequences. All you can do is keep them and the people they are with safe from them if needs be, and otherwise focus on the good bits.

My little brother used to bite and scratch me when he was 2. My DS once bit 6 babies at nursery in one day and used regularly to try to sink his teeth into us. I didn’t know my DSS when he was that young but for a long while worried he had absolutely no empathy.

All three of them have grown into kind, thoughtful absolutely non-violent men.

It’s horrible at the time - I used to recoil from my biting DS when he wanted a hug in case he bit me - but it doesn’t last. Hang in there!

I remember posting on Mumsnet about my DC1 when she was three. One comment stuck with me and I think helped fix my approach. I used to put her in the car and, before we even left, I'd tell her we were going in a play date and I wanted her to behave and any misbehaviour would result in coming home. The poster pointed out I was telling her in advance that I expected her to be bad, that I saw her as bad first, that she knew this etc. It made me cry because I just hadn't seen it, but I changed my approach dramatically. Positive all the way, calm when things went wrong, and stopped casting her as a naughty child all time. Never ever assume she would behave a certain way. Everyday was a new start and different. It worked. We grew really close and her behaviour changed.

I’m really hoping it is just a phase but it has been such a long one, fourteen months now and I feel so upset about it.

He isn't "becoming a psychopath".

He's a toddler. It's normal at this age.

Just show him lots of love, lots of firmness and good boundaries on repeat for the next 18-24 months. Don't retaliate or start to think there's something wrong with him. There isn't. He will start to feel he is bad if you do that.

When he's getting on for 4 he'll get better.

Why are you so upset?
He is a toddler not Ian Brady
With all due respect it sounds extreme.

Everyone keep saying it's normal but it probably doesn't seem normal to the kids being pushed and bit and hit. Are they just collateral damage or crash test dummies for "positive feedback" moments?

I’ve explained I don’t let him @CovertImage , I’m unsure what else I can do at this stage.

This is really good advice. I actually do this with my older child - he has a terrible temper and has really embarrassed me in the past on days out etc. I now often start with the 'now we are going to x and I want you to be on your best behaviour, so no getting angry if things don't go your way' and you've made me realise that maybe I need a more positive approach.

Every day is a fresh start is something I need to remember.

Sorry OP, that wasn't directed at you, it was a response to the normal, normal, normal folk