I don’t think I like who my child is becoming and I am afraid for our future

[NC2506]

So <deep breath> I do want to be honest here and there’s a good chance I won’t come out well in it but please hear me out.

I have one child, a boy, he is 2 and a half. He was an absolutely beautiful baby and I know there may be some bias there but he was so smiley, gentle and loving. I loved him so much, I still do.

I noticed he started to change at around 16 months. We had a play date with another child the same age as him and he was awful to her, pushing her away from his toys and wouldn’t let her near anything. As far as I can tell that’s been the start of over twelve months of very challenging behaviour towards other children. Between 17-20 months I had daily reports of him biting at nursery. The biting seems to have stopped now but he pushes and he will kick and hit.

I know everyone will say what am I doing about it as a parent and honestly everything I can. I say no firmly. I follow him round like a hawk and physically stop him hitting or anything. But it’s not foolproof, a few days ago he was at the top of a slide and shoved a little boy away. I know he knows what no means but he carries on doing it.

It’s now been fourteen months since I noticed him pushing that little girl and I can’t put into words how upset it makes me. I am worried he’s just quite aggressive by nature, or that maybe I’ve somehow done something that has made him that way?

I am posting because I feel like we’re on the cusp in a way of that sort of behaviour being tolerated. In very young toddlers people sort of expect it but by three (he will be three in December) I don’t think it will be tolerated at all. And he won’t have any friends and will be isolated at school.

He has become very aggressive elsewhere as well. He has started to scream at me and push me - he can’t push me over or anything but he’s really strong! - and he has destroyed a few things by hurling them around and just screaming in this sort of mad rage. That’s just been this past week.

My big worry is the dislike I feel for him when he is unkind. I hated bullies at school and I always thought I’d have a zero tolerance approach to any physical stuff but it’s harder than I thought when your child doesn’t listen to a word you say. Even when he’s being affectionate which tbf is a lot of the time, he can be delightful, but he can be quite rough, climbing up on me and he often laughs if I say ow or wince a bit.

I just am desperate to know what to do?

Been there, and it feels like hell.

Most kids genuinely go through biting phases (think I’ve read it’s over 70%). The stats are higher for hitting. People who think their kids don’t do this are probably not seeing it. Mine certainly learned certain things at nursery (he didn’t like being pushed for eg) and came back and tried them out at home out of curiosity as much as anything.

You are doing all the right things. Boundaries. Removing from the situation. Watching carefully. Natural consequences. Talk to nursery (see if you can use the same techniques and words, consistency helps).

Two year olds can be little terrorists, and it breaks your heart when they hit you when they’ve just told you they love you. Or you are scared of kisses turning into bites. He sounds totally normal to me.

You are teaching him empathy and kindness and boundaries. That’s your job. It’s fucking hard, keep going mama.

So was mine, they're not born with social skills,they have to learn them. Nothing you have described is anything other than totally normal. When I read your thread title I thought you were going to describe a wayward 16 year old not a toddler.

People are saying it's normal because largely it is. And the two year olds he is biting or hitting (or threatening to) probably don't think that much about it either. It's not like if your colleague at work hit you, you'd never stop thinking about it, but kids don't work that way.

That said if it continues then yes, he will become the child that other kids don't want to play with. There is one at my kids school and he is aggressive, physical and verbally threatening and all round a problem. Nobody wants to play with him, but that's one child, the majority of difficult two year olds do grow out of it.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way OP, and I totally get it. It isn't helpful people saying "it's normal" when all around you are other people's children who are NOT hitting, biting, pushing etc. It makes sense that you would obviously rather that was the case for your child too.
Whilst it may not be normal and certainly not desirable behaviour, it can definitely just be a phase (albeit a long one!) The advantage with him getting older is that he will understand action and consequence better. So just be very clear with your expectations, and very firm and consistent in following through with a consequence. Whether it is frustration or developmental leaps or whatever, he still needs to understand that it isn't acceptable behaviour. Other than that it is just a case of deep breaths and look for opportunities to praise positive interactions with others wherever you can.

I was talking to my friend about this the other day.
her son was a horror when he was a toddler/pre schooler-famous in the neighbourhood for his epic tantrums and biting/shoving/refusing etc.
He’s lovely now he’s 11-very bright and hardworking, lots of friends and happy.
Just be consistent and alert to removing him from situations before they escalate

OP have you considered reading some decent material about what behaviour is normal at your child’s age? I find having knowledge about what to expect has always really helped me.

His behaviour doesn’t sound out of the ordinary for a 2 year old, of course it’s not desirable behaviour and as adults we know that it isn’t ok but he is still learning. Just keep being consistent with dealing with it when it happens and eventually things will get easier as his understanding and ability to communicate improve.

Well, most of them are probably biting, hitting, pushing and kicking too. At nursery, at the park etc. They almost all do.

“The biter” at nursery is the cutest little girl, you would never suspect it until your child come back with broken skin in the shape of teeth marks!

I am 65 years old and have "experienced" many children. And I totally understand wher you are coming from, but at the same time, what you are describing is actually very common with both boys and girls - especially between the ages of 18 - 14 months and 4 years. In fact, I can think of a couple of girls who made him sound rather restrained! It requires perseverence on your part to (a) see it as a stage that you must handle, but recognise that this is actually quite normal (selfish driven) behaviour for young children and (b) find strategies and sanctions that matter to him so that he begins to learn that actions have consequences. Right now, as far as his brain development is concerned, he is the only thing in the world that matters. He won't learn about other people mattering for some time yet. That is nothing wrong in him, or in your parenting - it is just normal human development.

Not sure this will help as it's a very small sample but I remember a little boy (son of close friend) who went through a similar stage (from being very mild and chilled baby to prolonged stage of aggression). I think my friend found it v difficult and upsetting but she just continued to be a fab mum, making it clear being physical with other kids wasn't on and praising the good behaviour. By 4 he was back to being the sweetest kid and is a lovely young adult now. Others have said this but don't assume his behaviour now is anything like what his personality is/will be. Same goes for the teenage years 😆

There's a reason they call it the terrible twos.

His behaviour is very normal for a toddler. They are notorious for tantrums for exactly this reason. All emotions are huge, overwhelming and massive ragey meltdowns are a daily event.

He isn't unkind. He is too young to even comprehend what kindness is. He has no concept of other people's feelings, other people are objects to him currently, his brain isn't developed enough to handle the concept of empathy.

I think they go through an awful lot of phases at that age, and toddlers are utterly self centred little buggers. They don’t give a fig about anyone other than themselves. Physically aggressive behaviour isn’t unusual.

It’s good to be really aware of it, and to keep defining boundaries and being firm, but try not to worry - he will probably be just fine.

It sounds like you are very sensitive to this, so it’s probably worth being aware of that.

Wow I've never read anything quite so absurd in my entire days and I've read some stuff on here

He’s 2! I get you though. My child is as horrible at that age for hitting others just a general terror ! He is 19 now and the most moral trustworthy and gentle young man you can ever meet. His behavior now is not an indication of anything.

Just a thought what does he eat? I've noticed if my almost 3 year old has any chocolate / sugary treats he losses control of his behavior. Normally he's good but sugar definitely sets him off not in a hyper way just in an argumentative way! I'm making sweet treats for him now that have honey etc in rather than refined sugar and that seems to be fine.

If he's out and he does push or hit another child, what do you do?

The best thing to do would be to take him straight home - he will scream blue murder but he'll learn from it.

Both of my boys were like this at that age and it was exhausting. They grew out of it. It’s called the terrible twos for a reason! X

His diet is really good - there’s nothing obvious. He is ten times worse when he’s tired though.

Everyone has made me feel much better anyway. I can’t remember the posters name but over the page when you say about kids constantly being told off I worry about this. Am I too harsh? Am I too soft? I feel like sometimes I am quite good at preempting situations and steering him away but other times I just can’t!

Omg two and a half! It comes with the territory!
Stay calm, keep giving him the message that we don’t hit, distract him, remind yourself it’s a stage and this will pass, don’t pass on your fear and anxiety. Be the parent you would like to have had.

Once he’s been labelled naughty, and treated worse or disliked for not knowing how to manage big emotions, he will play up more. Feel hurt and rejected. Etc. You are the adult. Separate the behaviour from the person. He is your child and you (and his dad) are all he has. Give him consistency, love, boundaries and fun. At that age there were rimes where I made the right decision even though it meant hiding my emotions but I am glad I did. Your past trauma is not his fault.

Most 2.5 yr olds are self-absorbed little gits a lot of the time. They are wired to be selfish. Yes, you'll see kids who are kind more of the time but I bet they then exhibit a different unwanted behaviour.

My DD has never physically pushed kids away but definitely has emotionally and she's a lot older now but can still exhibit awful behaviour when she's at the end of her tether.

I really wouldn't worry OP. Start placing more emphasis about all the positive behaviour you see from your DC.

I think you're overreacting to normal toddler behaviour. My two (girl and boy) were little horrors at 2 but now they're 12 and 10 and both very gentle children.
Your son is still a baby. When I saw the title of your thread I thought you were talking about a 16 year old! You can't write him off at 2.

I agree with others it sounds like normal toddler stuff.

I would suggest you go out and get hold of some good books written by highly qualified authors that explain all the developmental changes that small children go through to become the fully formed person that we all become.

It’s fascinating stuff from when babies are born and they don’t understand that their mother is a separate entity, to when a small child can understand deferred gratification, and how the teenage brain grows at different rates.

You sound under confident, so make yourself an expert. Next time you may find someone else comes to you for the answer!

@Innocents4321 ”Give him consistency, love, boundaries and fun.”

What you don’t seem to be getting is that this is what he’s had, all he’s had, since birth, and he seems to be getting worse.

I am not trying to be horrible and negative about him at all. But it is a worry.

My first born (in hindsight) was so gentle and considerate. She once "pushed" a kid at nursery and I was so shamed. My second born is WILD in comparison, I've just watched her bite my husband on the knee for no apparent reason and she regularly gets so angry she screams and bites. It's such a big age for them, they get new independence from newly learnt skills but so many limits and soooo many rules that just don't make sense to toddlers. I found a few Instagram pages helpful: biglittlefeelings and nurturedfirst.

Other than that, I HAVE to believe it's just a phase. You sound like such a good and lovely mum, keep your chin up. 😊

It's normal meaning it's not a sign he's a psychopath or something. It's developmentally appropriate because they do not yet understand that other people are also people and can be hurt etc. To him they are just an obstacle that is in his way and so he deals with them like he deals with other obstacles - he is very little and only has very crude skills for solving problems.

It's ALSO behaviour that should definitely be addressed/corrected/worked on (whatever you want to call it).

Those two things are not mutually exclusive! Normal doesn't (always) mean just ignore it and hope that it goes away by itself.

The three main things you can do to address behaviour are:

Stop/discourage the behaviour in the moment. This could be through talking, redirecting, a mild consequence such as time out or losing out on something or being removed, not rewarding it with attention, any number of techniques depending on the urgency of the behaviour, the situation, and your own preference and skillset.

Think of what you want to happen instead and actively encourage, ask for, model, or reward that. For example, when children want to play with the same toy, see if you can find a similar toy that they can each play together, or model and encourage the idea of turn taking, or show them a game that they can play together (e.g. rolling a toy vehicle to each other). Ideally, encourage/prompt the positive opposite behaviour before the unwanted behaviour begins. You can do this by thinking about some common behaviours that your child exhibits that you don't like and how you might prefer them to behave in that situation, then you're prepared the next time the situation comes up.

Think about what skill might help the situation (for example, speech/communication, emotional regulation, impulse control) and try to work on this skill at a separate time - perhaps working on some key phrases or words for specific situations for example, or for emotional regulation there are lots of feelings exercises, breathing games, calm down tricks that you can practice when the DC are already calm, impulse control something fun to play is the stop and go or red light green light game - if you play this enough they actually develop an instant freeze when you say stop/red light, which is pretty helpful!

What you don't seem to be getting is that this is normal behaviour. You say he's getting worse - that's what happens at 2! That's why it's called the Terrible Twos. To be honest my children didn't grow out of toddler behaviour until much older than 2.
My friend's DD was so aggressive at age 2, 3, 4 and older. She was always hitting and pushing other children. She used to smear her poo on the wall. She was always attacking her younger sister in a way I found quite scary! Her parents couldn't leave them alone for a minute. She's now 13 - she's a completely normal, lovely girl. Excelling at school. Can speak a couple of languages, play several musical instruments and is just very bright and kind. You seem to think that because your 2 year old is a bit aggressive that he'll somehow be like this forever. Two year olds can't control their emotions. They get frustrated, they lash out, they have big feelings.