I don’t think I like who my child is becoming and I am afraid for our future

[NC2506]

So <deep breath> I do want to be honest here and there’s a good chance I won’t come out well in it but please hear me out.

I have one child, a boy, he is 2 and a half. He was an absolutely beautiful baby and I know there may be some bias there but he was so smiley, gentle and loving. I loved him so much, I still do.

I noticed he started to change at around 16 months. We had a play date with another child the same age as him and he was awful to her, pushing her away from his toys and wouldn’t let her near anything. As far as I can tell that’s been the start of over twelve months of very challenging behaviour towards other children. Between 17-20 months I had daily reports of him biting at nursery. The biting seems to have stopped now but he pushes and he will kick and hit.

I know everyone will say what am I doing about it as a parent and honestly everything I can. I say no firmly. I follow him round like a hawk and physically stop him hitting or anything. But it’s not foolproof, a few days ago he was at the top of a slide and shoved a little boy away. I know he knows what no means but he carries on doing it.

It’s now been fourteen months since I noticed him pushing that little girl and I can’t put into words how upset it makes me. I am worried he’s just quite aggressive by nature, or that maybe I’ve somehow done something that has made him that way?

I am posting because I feel like we’re on the cusp in a way of that sort of behaviour being tolerated. In very young toddlers people sort of expect it but by three (he will be three in December) I don’t think it will be tolerated at all. And he won’t have any friends and will be isolated at school.

He has become very aggressive elsewhere as well. He has started to scream at me and push me - he can’t push me over or anything but he’s really strong! - and he has destroyed a few things by hurling them around and just screaming in this sort of mad rage. That’s just been this past week.

My big worry is the dislike I feel for him when he is unkind. I hated bullies at school and I always thought I’d have a zero tolerance approach to any physical stuff but it’s harder than I thought when your child doesn’t listen to a word you say. Even when he’s being affectionate which tbf is a lot of the time, he can be delightful, but he can be quite rough, climbing up on me and he often laughs if I say ow or wince a bit.

I just am desperate to know what to do?

Oh my god, me too. I kept scanning to see if I missed a fast forward in age because he's now turned 14 or 16 and a nightmare.

OP, he's just 2 or 3. Just guide him when he does something wrong and let him be and learn. His behaviour and personality isn't set in stone so he'll keep changing and you'll keep learning about who he is, correcting and guiding the bad behaviours and applauding or just accepting the good ones.

People have been taught to make such a big deal (and find possible disorder) out of fairly regular behaviour nowadays.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful and glad it is normal and I do understand it is normal in one sense but it’s different when this is actually your life, when actually you can’t see friends and you have to constantly follow you child round.

It is totally normal for their behaviour to get worse before it gets better. And v normal to have to follow them around. I think it's why most people hate the toddler phase - it's lucky they are so cute really!

It is OK to tell them off when they are being naughty. It's balancing the less fun parts of discipline with plenty of positive attention that is important.

It gets better/a bit less intense around age 4.

Why can't you see friends? I'm wondering if either what you are experiencing/trying to describe is either a lot worse than the standard toddler stage that people are assuming, or you are experiencing the normal toddler stage but feeling more anxious about it than perhaps is warranted. Most people understand that toddlers are little savages still learning the rules of human interaction, and will not mind if you are telling him off, following him around, won't judge if he is having a tantrum, screaming, protesting being removed, has the odd spat with other DC etc. But most parents of toddlers still socialise (mainly, it has to be said, with other parents of toddlers or slightly older children!) It can be hard to try and continue more "adult only" type socialising like chilling out at a beer garden, unless it's a very child friendly one with play area and your friends also have kids in the stage that they need to follow them around so you're all stuck in the play area together. Otherwise, socialising tends to be in your own house, other people's houses, child-centred attractions or in the evening, with a babysitter (or child's other parent) looking after the child.

Does he go to nursery? That is helpful both in a sense of it giving you a break, but also in the sense of him getting plenty of opportunity to socialise with other children and get used to their interactions, and having staff who know this age very well to be able to feed back what is normal/what isn't normal.

If his behaviour is extreme it would be worth asking your health visitor if you can fill out the appropriate ASQ (ages & stages questionnaire). In fact you can often find the right one by googling "ASQ" plus his age in months - I think they come in 6-monthly or 3-monthly increments.

Your ‘friends’ should not be judging you or your toddler. Just be honest, stick to activities that are outside with lots of distractions, keep outings very short.

With the trying and failing to socialize with friends thing, do you know anyone with slightly older kids? Who will think your two year is cute but shove him off and shout at him if he hits them/tries to bite them. That can be surprisingly effective. Avoid the kids a year younger for a bit if they could be properly hurt by your child. Also if he hurts you you don’t have to hide that it hurts. Shout in pain! Then tell him he hurt you and you didn’t like it. He’ll probably cry because it’s scary when you hurt mum and realize you can make her sad/angry/upset at you. And toddler appropriate sanctions are fine - tuck him under your arm like a parcel and take him away from the situation. They can’t do any damage tucked under your arm and it’s fairly comfortable as a carrying position if you can balance their weight on your hip. Used to work well when mine was going through a stage of hitting.

Does he respond to other's emotions in the correct way? I try not to tell off too much, my youngest is very boisterous but when this happens with her older siblings we always make sure to fake cry to her actions and explain that what she did hurt us. She will hug and kiss when we do this and then we tell her she did such a good job and ask for a high five. However I'm aware this may not work for your son, my middle is a boy and he still laughs when we fake cry, he's 4yo 🙄

My youngest DS was like that until around 3 and a half. I was mortified by his behaviour, especially as I was a teacher at his nursery, but a lot of the 2 year olds go through this phase, some for longer than others and some not at all. DS is 9 now and just lovely. He has a big group of friends, is doing well at school and regularly gets into their good behaviour book.

Im sure your DS will come through this phase. As a practitioner, I wouldn't be worried until he's closer to four and still displaying the same behaviours, then we'd be thinking about whether there are any additional needs at play, or whether it's general immaturity.

I think it does sound extreme to be biting another child daily for months on end (over a year?). How can anyone read that and thinks it’s normal at nursery? Yes, some children do bite but it shouldn’t be that often. What kind of supervision and play do they do at nursery for that to happen?

I would arrange an appointment to speak to the nursery head and also your health visitor, specifically to see if there are any signs of neurodiversity. Hopefully they will reassure you that everything is within the boundaries of expected behaviour and they don’t have any concerns.

Some children have horrible behaviour and some don’t. Same with some adults.

@GCalltheway I don’t think anybody is judging me but I have had to accept I can’t have friends round to play as DS just gets so territorial.

@TheSnowyOwl thats not it. He went through a biting stage but it stopped at about 21 months. Briefly started again a couple of months later then stopped. Have had no biting reports for about seven months now thank god. However he does push and hit.

Has the HV mentioned anything? Could he be displaying signs of ASD/ADHD?

These were the first things that have sprung into mind.

You can't love a child so much or raise them so well that they can leap frog these important developmental stepping stones in which they come to learn how to operate co-operatively in the world through a process of trial and error.

Toddlers are maximum mobility and minimal sense, I actually love this phase, but you have to have enough confidence to know that you are wrangling a small ape who will slowly become more civilized.

We don’t see the HV …. nursery haven’t mentioned any concerns.

It is very difficult to distract him or to move him away once he’s decided on his target.

There is a boy in Y1 who bites and kicks and even bangs other children's head against the wall-type, and my DD got injured as a result. I've had to email in a few complaints as it was getting progressively worse. I found out recently that he has ASD.

But 2.5yrs is still too young. Fixation is quite common among ASD kids so maybe just keep it in mind, but also keep an open mind.

I get some people don’t like what I am saying, but if I can’t be honest on the mental health board, where can I be? Maybe the men in white coats do need to take me away!

But please try to see this from my point of view. I want to be a good parent. My child doesn’t respond to me, he just doesn’t. Every strategy I’ve tried has not worked. We aren’t talking about the occasional push here. There is a child at a group we go to and DS took a dislike to her several weeks ago, I’m not sure why, and I’m just going to have to stop going because I spend the entire session grabbing him trying to make sure he doesn’t shove her or hit her.

He also once deliberately tried to stamp on a baby who was there with an older sibling. It does upset me, I’m really sorry but it does. I don’t want to see small children hurt and babies stamped on!

I found the 'Toddler Taming' book useful.

3 points which stuck with me- 1. Toddlers are essentially the centre of their own universe and they expect you to revolve around them.

2, Don't take it personally. You will have to repeat yourself endlessly for the message to go in. It's endless but eventually it will work.
3.Brains aren't fully developed yet- so stuff which seems sensible to us is nonsense to them. Why can't they push someone out of the way to get what they want?

The more I read your posts, the more I understand why you're worried. Sorry for part of my initial judgement as the whole picture is coming to light a bit more.

It is worrisome some of the behaviour he displays regularly and I hope you can find a lasting solution.

@NC2506 - your feelings are normal, don’t let anyone put you down. It’s a really hard thing, and I’ve had similar thoughts, we are terrified of raising a thug or a bully.

It’s really hard, but it is most kids (even if they are angelic at your house or when you see them, they will have moments at nursery or home).

Are you getting him to have lots of really, really physical activity? My DC needs two really big physical activities every day or he’s a pain. If you are stuck inside a bit, get him piling all the cushions from the sofa and jumping on them. Get an indoor scuttlebug or something like that. Softplay. Mini trampoline - get him to jump up and down holding your hands whilst you sing songs. It’s as effective as anything for emotional regulation. Playgrounds. Digging in mud/soil. Literally as much physical activity as possible. Which is hard when you are tired and sad, I know.

To answer your question - yes, I think it is possible to get into a downward cycle with being too harsh and the kid always feeling in the wrong. Boundaries, held kindly but firmly, accompanied by valuing and praising all his good points too, aren’t that though.

If you need to, some really strict enforcement will make a point. I haven’t been bitten since he did it when we were out and his dad literally just took him home (I stayed out). He got put on “the thinking seat” (what they call it at nursery) with the door shut in the other room when he hit. It does work eventually even if you feel it hasn’t yet.

I don't think it's that people don't like what you're saying, I think it's that it sounds unusual or out of proportion, which probably means that EITHER his behaviour is unusually difficult, in which case there could be something going on - hearing problem or speech delay causing frustration, for example, or maybe something like ASD/ADHD though it would be very early to say.

If you're worried something like that is the case you can contact your HV for advice. It's normal not to see the HV regularly, but you should be able to find a number by googling "Health visiting team + town" if you don't know where the clinic is or have a number already. Or you could take your child to the GP and ask them for input about the behaviour as they can also do developmental checks.

Or the other possibility is that you are catastrophising normal behaviour, which I'm not saying because I'm criticising you, I mean that it could be a sign that there's something going on with you, in that you could benefit from some kind of mental health support. I wonder if you're thinking along these lines too, since you posted in the mental health section?

It just seems like a very extreme thing to be ruminating on a single event which happened over a year ago and to see it as the part of some big story which will culminate in "he won’t have any friends and will be isolated at school" - when he starts school, he'll be four and will probably have outgrown the worst of this behaviour.

Bertie - huh? I’m really sorry but I don’t know what you’re talking about.

OK, sorry, I'm not being helpful, I'll stop posting.

I didn’t mean that, I just genuinely have no idea what you mean by “ruminating on a single event which happened over a year ago and to see it as the part of some big story which will culminate in "he won’t have any friends and will be isolated at school.” I don’t mean that to sound horrible, I honestly don’t understand.

Oh I was thinking along Bertie’s lines too - that maybe you are unable to shake things off because you are low and are taking it too seriously? Not meaning to offend at all but It’s worth considering that aspect - well it helped me. I was very hard on my eldest dc for what I see now as perfectly usual if bloody annoying and challenging toddler behaviour. I was actually very anxious and unresiliant myself.
Remember: they don’t have empathy. I found dr Martha psychologist on Instagram very helpful for easy toddler taming and she has a good perspective as well as practical advice on what to do when your kid acts like a violent thug 😬😵

OK - I think something has been a bit lost in translation here. I’m not ruminating on events from over a year ago, what prompted this thread was a horrible incident yesterday!

I've obviously focused on the wrong parts of your post, but this is what you said in the OP:

"It’s now been fourteen months since I noticed him pushing that little girl and I can’t put into words how upset it makes me."

"by three... I don’t think it will be tolerated at all. And he won’t have any friends and will be isolated at school."

Won't he he four, nearly 5 when he starts school? So his (normal toddler) behaviour from ages 18 months to two and a half is totally irrelevant. His third birthday is six months away, so don't worry about what people will tolerate in six months time. He'll have developed loads by then.

Like I said, I'm not getting at you, I'm just thinking this is really out of proportion, in the way that anxiety for example often makes it hard to get things in proportion.

I see. What I was trying to do was provide the full context. If it was something that had just started I would assume it was a phase, likewise if it was something he’d done as a much younger toddler it wouldn’t worry me now. It’s the fact that (as much as I can pinpoint it) this sort of aggression started over a year ago and doesn’t seem to be stopping, that’s really upsetting me. Hope that makes sense!