I don’t think I like who my child is becoming and I am afraid for our future

[NC2506]

So <deep breath> I do want to be honest here and there’s a good chance I won’t come out well in it but please hear me out.

I have one child, a boy, he is 2 and a half. He was an absolutely beautiful baby and I know there may be some bias there but he was so smiley, gentle and loving. I loved him so much, I still do.

I noticed he started to change at around 16 months. We had a play date with another child the same age as him and he was awful to her, pushing her away from his toys and wouldn’t let her near anything. As far as I can tell that’s been the start of over twelve months of very challenging behaviour towards other children. Between 17-20 months I had daily reports of him biting at nursery. The biting seems to have stopped now but he pushes and he will kick and hit.

I know everyone will say what am I doing about it as a parent and honestly everything I can. I say no firmly. I follow him round like a hawk and physically stop him hitting or anything. But it’s not foolproof, a few days ago he was at the top of a slide and shoved a little boy away. I know he knows what no means but he carries on doing it.

It’s now been fourteen months since I noticed him pushing that little girl and I can’t put into words how upset it makes me. I am worried he’s just quite aggressive by nature, or that maybe I’ve somehow done something that has made him that way?

I am posting because I feel like we’re on the cusp in a way of that sort of behaviour being tolerated. In very young toddlers people sort of expect it but by three (he will be three in December) I don’t think it will be tolerated at all. And he won’t have any friends and will be isolated at school.

He has become very aggressive elsewhere as well. He has started to scream at me and push me - he can’t push me over or anything but he’s really strong! - and he has destroyed a few things by hurling them around and just screaming in this sort of mad rage. That’s just been this past week.

My big worry is the dislike I feel for him when he is unkind. I hated bullies at school and I always thought I’d have a zero tolerance approach to any physical stuff but it’s harder than I thought when your child doesn’t listen to a word you say. Even when he’s being affectionate which tbf is a lot of the time, he can be delightful, but he can be quite rough, climbing up on me and he often laughs if I say ow or wince a bit.

I just am desperate to know what to do?

OP I absolutely agree with the PPs who have suggested some reading material about child developmental stages. Understanding how his brain is developing at each age, and how to manage each tricky part will pay dividends.

My eldest was absolutely wild at that age. I couldn't take him to those stupid toddler classes as he ran riot. Now at 7, he's so, so calm and sweet and lovely, and a social butterfly.

My DD sat on my knee like a little angel, and was quiet and calm and the most load back toddler ever. Now at 5 she's giving us holy hell.

Phases are just phases. He sounds totally normal, just a spirited little guy exploring the world. Yes, he needs disciplined and taught what is right but in an age appropriate way. Your reaction is wildly disproportionate.

You say 'we' so do you have a partner? What does he/she think?

Concerned by the recent ramping up of tantrums, but ultimately it’s me who ends up feeling quite isolated by it all.

I do recognise the many good points in DS but this is a phase that’s been going on well over a year now. It is a hell of a long phase.

They are long phases. They really are. DD started sliding into princessy stampy footed tantruming about 4.5 and a year on she is worse than ever and showing no signs of letting up.

Take each day at a time and have a look at some reading/parenting materials.

I feel like we all go into parenting woefully underprepared, with nil or very little training, or real idea of what to expect. Then we beat ourselves up when we find it hard and make mistakes.

Yes ok, I understand.

It's not really a phase in the sense of like when they get obsessed with something and only want to do that for a few weeks and then they move on. It's more of a developmental phase, toddlers just are commonly explosive and have tantrums, it lasts a couple of years then they develop better communication and impulse control so they grow out of it.

Kind of like most teenagers are surly and act like washing is physically painful, it lasts a few years and then suddenly you can't get them out of the shower.

Thanks, yes, that makes sense. I just wish it would stop as it does get me down over and above anything else.

My son was a bit of a monster from 1 to 6 years. Obviously not all the time - plenty of loveliness too. But he was aggressive and very angry during those early years. I remember worrying something was wrong with him. I have lots of memories of me walking in to another room to have a little cry because it worried me so much. He's 10 now and really loving, sweet and calm. I enjoy his company so much. Please don't think that toddler aggression is a sign of who he has become or some fixed personality trait.

Over this coming month every time he hurts someone simply calmly remove him and go home or elsewhere. No debate or discussion, no faffing, just grab your stuff and peacefully quietly immediately leave. Be consistent and do it straight away so a link is made between behaviour and outcome. He must not get a lot of attention for poor behaviour. Simply explain that he’s hurt someone and that’s not kind so he is leaving. Don’t go on about it. Be abrupt, robotic almost, neutral, emotionless. Less attention for bad behaviour.

oh and take him somewhere boring.

It will pass

Are you blaming yourself, OP?

Coz the claim that you have full control over how they turn out: it's bollocks. You do your duty. That's your place, X your fingers, do your best, and usually they turn out fine. Or acceptable, anyway. None of my little thugs turned into big thugs.

He sounds fairly normal. Self-control is not the hallmark of children under 5 ... or 6. Or older probably.

His Prefrontal cortex still has a long ways to go!

He has strong emotions and limited ways of expressing himself. Children develop their sense of empathy from 5 onwards before this they are ego centric (world evolves around them)

My two year old pushes his older sister away when I am cuddling her, is increasingly showing his anger at a situation by bashing his head against things. He bites toes! I had to warn the nursery of all of this. It's not what he will do forever, he just can't communicate these emotions/ issues/ situations. He also doesn't have the ability to see how it impacts others yet. It's what all two year olds do. Continue to model good values and ways to overcome situations and feelings l- but don't write off his entire personality yet!!!!

I know I keep banging on about it, but do talk to nursery. Find out if it’s a problem for them too. Chat to them about whether he’s getting picked on by bigger kids. See if they can tell you their strategies, or even the words they use - do they say “kind hands” or “gentle hands”. They might be able to give him some extra attention, or get him helping with the younger kids to build his understanding.

Tell them you are being really proactive but would welcome their professional advice. I have found experiences nursery practitioners much, much more useful than health visitors.

Hi@NC2506 I am living this right now (quite uncanny reading this actually). I completely understand where you're coming from as I too feel despair quite often. Am hopeful it's a (long) phase. 6 months on how are things for you? X

@Bobsurauntie how funny! I didn’t actually remember posting this, it came up in threads I’m on, and I assumed I was the contributor rather than the OP! It was really strange to read - I don’t remember posting it and I don’t remember what prompted it.

I DO remember being worried, very worried, upset, frustrated and scared really - as my DS did seem to have an aggressive and (this was what really worried me) mean streak in him. One of the things that most had me stressed was that he is and was one of only two boys in my NCT group and the girls aren’t feisty MN girls. One is very timid, one is a bit of a wimp (said with affection) one is very shy and one is outgoing and confident but not physical and I felt a lot of judgement if DS went for another child (or worse, one of theirs) which made me feel isolated and so worried.

I don’t know why I didn’t mention on this thread I was heavily pregnant at the time, just about to start maternity leave. Probably didn’t mention it because I didn’t want a load of shaming ‘how dare you replace your first with another, no wonder he’s acting up’ comments which unfortunately are par for the course on here at the moment. I had a baby girl in July and DS … didn’t take to her shall we say and we did have some dark times. If I thought it was upsetting to see him go for a random child at the park it didn’t compare to seeing him trying to hurt his tiny newborn sister and I won’t pretend I always dealt with it well.

But slowly … slowly … things are coming together. The following may help you although I obviously should add the caveat that this is just what I found, I’m not an expert.

There were massive changes in DS between being two and a half and turning three. The big one was he dropped his nap - it was gradually being phased out before that and I’d tried to drop it before to stop him waking so early (he was a 5am kid!) but to no avail. And if I did manage to keep him awake he still woke at 5. Somehow he found his own way and he dropped the nap and now wakes around 7. It’s made a massive difference to me because the day doesn’t feel as relentlessly long and I don’t think he’s as overtired and grumpy either.

He has matured SO much. He is really lovely with his baby sister now, in fact earlier today he was looking at her and laughing and she was smiling and gurgling back. He’s much, much nicer with other children, nowhere near as unpredictable. Very occasionally he’ll try to get territorial over a playground item or toy but he’ll accept it (albeit stroppily sometimes!) when told to take turns. On Saturday we went to a party at soft play and I was able to let him run free and I couldn’t have done that before.

He is a really great little person and I consider myself lucky, so lucky. He eats well, a wide variety of food, he sleeps well, he is generally pretty no trouble. He doesn’t always tidy up brilliantly after himself and potty training is an ongoing issue but apart from that we’re in a good place.

I will read back through this thread but one of the things I’ve come to realise is like a lot of things they develop when they are able to do so. Removing DS from a place with ‘you did X so we are going would have been ineffective. I don’t think he could stop himself. Of course you sometimes have to and a bit of time out is good to just deescalate a situation or calm things down but no sanction or punishment or making a drama out of it would have worked.

So take heart, hold on, don’t blame yourself and smile

This is really lovely to read, especially the relationship between him and his sister ❤ great to hear that things have moved on.

Great to read your update, OP.

His behaviour is within the normal range, though of course stressful and exhausting for you. Consistency and calm are the watchwords with toddlers - always the same consequence for hurting others (swift removal, with a sparse but clear explanation), and as a pp said, keep praising the good.

What worries me more is your response to his behaviour, which I think must come from your own issues around violence and bullying? He's far too young for concepts like bullying. He's not developed enough to understand the effects of his behaviour on others; learning that is a long road and he's just at the start of it. If you don't address your own issues, you run the risk of this tendency doing real harm to him and to your relationship as he grows. If he goes through a phase of pilfering sweets when he's three, will you decide that he's a thief with no morals? If he fibs about homework when he's eight, will you panic that he's a compulsive liar?

I think you need to speak to someone - a therapist - about your anxiety and drill down into what it is that makes you catastrophise like this, for his sake and your own.

Oh bloody hell, that will teach me to read the thread before responding. Ignore me OP, I'm an idiot

I didn’t acknowledge your post at the time @PermanentTemporary and I should have … it was brilliant.

Well, it will probably be helpful to re read in two years when DD is in the thick of it! I did have a rough end to my pregnancy, sciatica meant I struggled to walk and i can see how reading this I was making way too much of ordinary toddler behaviour.

His speech has come on loads too which is helpful although I do get verbal abuse from time to time ‘go over there!’ being one favourite when he’s been told off and wants me to go away!

@NC2506 this has made my day. I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to come back and reply to me. I will save this thread for when I'm having a wobble, some great advice here - hopefully I'll come back in six months and give my own positive update! Take care x