For the past month Iv felt like giving up. I have two boys one being 14 and my youngest 8 who has autism. For years Iv fought to get him the support he's needed. Now has an echp and much more support. I'm pretty much a single parent, his dad is what is describe as a narcissist,has done little effort to support or help. Just looks after himself. I took him back due to struggling massively I admit I can't cope. Because he was homeless and has no one else, I gave in, although he had his caravan. First few months were great he helped anywhere he could, promised he would change etc...however start of 2023 Iv had to write a daily diary, it just isn't working again, he's so passive aggressive towards me, stays in his caravan most the time. While I'm pulling me hair out, juggling everything and I'm constantly exhausted.
My family don't wanna except my youngest son, even though he was diagnosed with autism, they label him naughty and don't want to recognise his diagnosis. Lately he's gotten more defiant, won't go to bed, demanding constantly, I'm constantly pulled up by other parents regarding my son hitting and being aggressive.
My eldest was a joy to bring up, his dad is really hands on. I feel it's not fair on him, I feel so guilty I can't give him my time.
I desperately need a break, but have no support for babysitters.
Iv gotten so low, I'm starting to plan a suicide, something I don't agree on, but I know my eldest would be better with his dad, his amazing life he lives, my youngest being better off with someone who is educated better than me with autism. I just feel I don't no where to turn, there's only so many times I can cry myself to sleep hoping and praying life would get easier. I feel so guilty having these thoughts, but I'm hurting. I seem to be fighting at all angles. With money, work, parenting, family, my sons escalating behaviour, the guilt of not giving my eldest much time, being made a fool by my youngest dad and the bullying I get from him.
I feel like I'm sinking.