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Original poster

is there something i can take to make me stop thinking of the past?

99 replies

anonymous22mner · 19/02/2008 17:18

it consisted of sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse and rape, self harm. i magaged to push it all to the back of my mind and get on with my life but somehow its cropped back to the front and i havent been able to stop thinking about everything. i feel its all been effecting my relationship with dp without me being aware ive been pushing him to be violent towards me as i cant trust any man and i want him to prove me right...does this make sense? i feel yuk. i hate myself for it all and think there musta been something i done. i cant talk to anybody about it as it makes it more real as it is doing now. im scared to go to a councilor.

OP posts:
jo1987 · 19/02/2008 17:26

Sweetheart there is no need to feel scared. I was abused sexually by a member of family, I self harmed and have thought of suicide for a long while. I do the same thing to my BF, it feels easier to push someone away than to accept they care, and incase they do hurt us like all other men we are in some strange way prepared. I'd say go to a psychologist as councilors just ask you to talk psychologists help you to understand how we can get over things- I've tried counciling and it didn't work but thats my opinion. if you want to talk more then I'm up for talking to someone in a seemingly similar predicament.

Original poster
anonymous22mner · 19/02/2008 17:34

thanks for replying. i really dont feel i can do it. i just want it all to go away again

OP posts:
jo1987 · 19/02/2008 17:42

I know, for me it comes in bouts, does your DP know? It's the hardest thing, but all you have to do is think- well, I've done it on here, no one else needs know getting help is the first step I'm on citalopram right now an anti d, but its kicking in. Just being able to put my hands up and admit Im depressed helps- family still dont know about abuse. Having a baby makes it come into mind again.You can do it!

seasidemama · 19/02/2008 17:47

I don't think there is anything you can take except time sweetheart. My background is much the same too. Therapy really can help, but it's got to be in a way that feels right and safe for you. I think it's pretty normal to have times in our lives when the past is with us more than at others. Is there anyone in RL you can talk to about this?

Does your DP know your history? Can you talk to him about why you need to push the boundaries in the way you describe?

I wish I had something more useful to say. Just know that you're not on you're own. Be gentle with yourself and please stay safe.

Original poster
anonymous22mner · 19/02/2008 17:57

thank you again for your replies. dp is aware of it but i cant talk to him about it. funny you should say that, i have just had a baby. i have 3 kids and if it wasnt for them id say i wouldnt be hear. im so annoyed with myself for letting all this come back to me. ive never really known what way im suposed to feel about it.

OP posts:
jo1987 · 19/02/2008 18:07

Confused, I always ask myself why it happened,if I was asking for it, why I fell for what I was told, I always think that I must have known better. In a way I think it made me promiscuous as a younger teenager. I pushed it aside as a child after it happened last, but now it's come back I've been depressed for years and permenantly thinking of suicide, there has been a lot of drug abuse and infidelity in the family which hasn't helped but when I fell pregnant with my DD it all came back, but now I've got an appointment with a psychologist as a councilor didnt help just having someone nod at me while I spoke didn't help me understand or make me feel any less guilty, confused and sad.

Original poster
anonymous22mner · 19/02/2008 18:19

no i dont supose it would. do you mind me asking what age you were? i was on ads after my kids were born but stopped them again do you think i would be able to ask for them back without having to go into things. i mean it was hard for me to type those words down never mind say them out loud. i hope it all goes well for you, you are allot braver than i am.

OP posts:
jo1987 · 19/02/2008 18:23

No, I'm not brave just so tired of feeling down and guilty. I was 7, 10 and 13. Yes, I don't see why not? Just say you are feeling very depressed and if he says you are just going through a phase, tell him you self harmed, and if he still says no, insist!

Original poster
anonymous22mner · 19/02/2008 18:32

they have it on record that i self harmed. that is very young. i think you are a strong person to be able to go to a psychologist and talk about it, i just want it to hide away again. i will phone for an appointment tomorrow. it also doesnt help that i used to have an eating disorder and dp keeps calling me fat(he doesnt know).

OP posts:
Original poster
anonymous22mner · 19/02/2008 18:34

i really hate men

OP posts:
jo1987 · 19/02/2008 18:40

Ditto, but I ended up telling him, things like this seem to e linked, I used to throw up food. Well, he should know you are in need if you seek help. Don't hold it in, try to tell him, when BF used to call me fat I didn't want to eat and didn't want to be undressed in front of him, talking does help I still get paranoid about other girls constantly accusing him of looking at other girls so I need to seek help for my babys sake I cant have her growing up with me so unstable.

jo1987 · 19/02/2008 18:44

Men just dont understand, I think sometimes it would be easier to be a lesbian! At least then I would get the assurance I need someone a bit more sensitive!

Original poster
anonymous22mner · 19/02/2008 18:45

you sound so much like me!

OP posts:
jo1987 · 19/02/2008 18:46

Its like a clone- just with a bit worse history and two more kids!

jo1987 · 19/02/2008 18:47

Well I suppose Im the clone as Im two years younger!

Heathcliffscathy · 19/02/2008 18:47

anonymous. I really recommend long term psychotherapy, with someone that has experience in this area. Nothing will change the horrendous things that happened to you. But a relationship based on trust and confidentiality where you will not be judged but supported, and sometimes challenged can really change how you feel about it.

I hope that you have the opportunity to get what you need.

x

Original poster
anonymous22mner · 19/02/2008 18:50

yeah they are a handfull! right better go and get the kids to bed. ill pop back soon.x

OP posts:
jo1987 · 19/02/2008 18:51

Ok just feeding my bundle! x

Original poster
anonymous22mner · 19/02/2008 18:52

sorry cross posts. do you really think it would make a difference im afraid it will make it worse bringing it all up again.
your 2 years younger!

OP posts:
jo1987 · 19/02/2008 19:03

yeah im 20!it wont its already still in your mind it would help, if you feel uncomfortable just stop!

Original poster
anonymous22mner · 19/02/2008 20:25

hey im back kids are in bed. i dont think it will help i already feel uncomfortable even thinking about taking to somebodyy face to face about it, i feel that it will make it worse. i seriously want to put it back into a little box and hide it. have you ever felt like this?

OP posts:
jo1987 · 19/02/2008 20:30

Oh yeah, all of the time, I feel sometimes I dont want to be me like I wish I was someone else, Im jealous of other people from the way they look to the life theyve had. I dont look people in the eyes and i never feel comfortable crying in front of people to the extent that at family funerals I go to the toilet if i feel im going to cry, yet when I talk about it I cry uncontrolably. Like I said give it a try its either for you or it isnt. Just give it a go. Nothing worth having comes easy!

Original poster
anonymous22mner · 19/02/2008 20:37

thanks jo ill try.

OP posts:
jo1987 · 19/02/2008 20:39

You can do it- good luck! Im on here if you want to talk. x

Original poster
anonymous22mner · 19/02/2008 20:46

thanks and im here if you want to talk although im not really much use yet. let me no how you get on. x

OP posts: