I don't want to be here anymore. I'm done with life.

[veryverymadworld]

Shamelessly posting again as I only got a couple of replies on the other thread and I just desperately need someone to talk to.

I have so much to deal with. I'm already dealing with so much.

Cancer (me diagnosed) money problems racking up in front of our eyes as my job is now very part time due to this. Not entitled to any benefits as DH earns too much. Recently took a guy to court who seriously sexually assaulted me but lost the case due to lack of evidence. Can't prove that I didn't give him consent. My dignity is through the floor. I worked so hard all my life since I was 16, but now we're in desperate need of help, we get nothing.

I'm ashamed to say, I took bread and some tins from LIDL yesterday as I couldn't pay for them. Had £5 and bought some basics but didn't put everything on the till and hid some bits in my bags so didn't pay for all of my shopping. Felt like the scum of the earth.

I've let my daughter down.
DH is working himself to the bone to try and keep us going but now behind now on bills with no way out and it's snowballing.

Every nice thing I own is on Vinted.
Pawned my wedding and engagement rings.

Already on max dose of mirtazapine.

Please don't think this post is for money. That's not the point of this post. I just need someone to talk to.
I was told I couldn't have children without IVF (which is how we got DD) but I fell pregnant recently naturally and we lost the baby at 7 weeks. I couldnt afford to feed another child anyway. Just another person to let down.

I'm so done with being in pain. With long hospital visits. With my little girl seeing paramedics work on her mum on the kitchen floor. I'm fed up with the shell of myself looking back at me in the mirror.

Our tax free childcare stopped last month because now I'm not earning the threshold. Any last bit of help is taken away from us. So now I can't afford for my daughter to go to her childcare, where she absolutely loves. The only bit of stability she's had whilst I've been in hospital.

Just a few years ago we were financially okay, my health was somewhat stable enough for me to have a bit of life back and have a baby. Now it's gone to shit again tenfold.

I'm working doing what I can but my work is so part time it's not even worth calling it work. I'm a financial advisor and I'm trying to advise people on their finances whilst mine are falling apart. Self employed but it's failing.

It's astounding what a change in health can do to you. What it can take away. So far it's taken my house, my daughters child care, I've had to sell my car I worked years for to buy, my precious jewellery, my friends and probably my business too along with what's left of my marriage.
I'm done with this life. I'm in my early 30s and I'm scarily suicidal.

I’m so sorry to read this.Have you considered ringing the Samaritans? They are always available to talk .Wishing you well.

I’m sorry I don’t have a lot of advice but I wanted to tell you that things can change and things do get better. Please hold on for your daughter.x

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/text-us/

You can email samaritans, or text a different organisation called SHOUT.

Sorry to hear that you are struggling so much.

That is a lot OP, no wonder you are struggling. For starters you are absolutely not scum of the earth for taking some food to feed your family. You haven't let your daughter down. You are not unreasonable to feel annoyed and upset that you aren't eligible for any financial help. It sounds like you are doing amazingly well given the challenging situation.

Have you spoken to someone like macmilan to see if they can advise around finances? Or CAB to triple check. You should still get the 15 hours at least? Not the same as 30 I know but might help.

I echo PP, please reach out to someone for support- you are deserving of it and people do care and want to help you.

I am so sorry to read that, @veryverymadworld what an awful lot for you to cope with.

I am also shocked that you are not entitled to any help bearing in mind your medical issues.

I'm so sorry to hear all of that, please know that you are a great mother and feeding your family comes first, no matter what others may think – please don't think badly of yourself for doing what you need to do. Please please speak to Samaritans as others have said, as that is what they're there for – life has thrown some terrible things at you but your daughter needs her mum, you are not a failure, you are a fighter and a survivor. Thinking of you xxx

I’m so sorry you are going through so much OP. Have you tried Macmillian for someone to talk to, they assigned a nurse to my mum when she had cancer and she was a great support.

Someone close to our family committed suicide last year and the impact it had on so many people has been devastating so please talk to someone if you are feeling like this, it’s never the answer!

Most importantly, you haven’t let your daughter down - she has a mum who is still fighting through all of those hardships, that’s someone to be proud of not ashamed of!!

No wonder you're bloody struggling OP. That's a mammoth amount for anyone to carry.
You've reached out here and I hope it brings you some relief to know you are not alone and you can receive support.
I really hope things get better for you soon

Please get help

I am currently processing the suicide of someone - please get help, it’s not the answer. The pain and the ripples of pain it leaves are beyond expression

i am very sorry you feel this way but please - seek the help signposted here
You are worth it and you are loved by people, even if you don’t feel like it

I don't have anything helpful to say but sending prayers and love xxx

I second reaching out to macmillan and seeing what support they have, I am sure they will be able to point you in the right direction to get some sort of help.

Please don't bury your head in the sand with finances as it can build up so quickly and feel like it's suffocating you, being proactive will feel nerve wracking whilst doing it but is best in the long run.

Contact everyone you need to pay... Mortgage provider/landlord, phone company, Internet, car insurance. Let them know your circumstances and ask if they can allow a reduction or defer payment for a period of time in order to give you some breathing room.

They would honestly rather you pay a little each month for an extended period that nothing at all and end up going to collections for it.

What really annoys me is you are a prime example of someone who should get government support yet doesn't. Meanwhile there are people allowed to claim without ever working and with no intention of ever working. I really hope things work out for you op

Have you checked you definitely aren’t entitled to benefits? CAB can help. I wonder whether contribution based ESA might be an option? I was surprised when I was reading up on it that household income and savings doesn’t affect it.
you should also be able to access food banks, CAB should advise on that too?
im sorry you’re feeling so low
It will get better

Thanks everyone.

I just don't know how to put one foot in front of the other at the moment.
Something has to give. But I've been waiting for that give for so long. I just want to take a tablet and sleep forever but I don't want to hurt my darling girl. She's amazing, such a beautiful little girl. But I don't want her to see her mummy suffer anymore.

This is so fucking hard. I can't explain how hard. On my life I have never, ever felt so low.

Op. Nothing I can say will make your situation better but I just wanted to say you sound so very strong with everything that's been thrown your way in life. My heart breaks that people in your situation cannot access financial assistance. Big handhold and hugs. You are an amazing mother x

Hi OP,
I'm so sorry you are going through so much.
If you can contact Stepchange or Christians Against Poverty (you don't have to be religious) they can help you with your finances. You might need to stop paying less essential bills and debts so you can meet your basic needs.

Don't pay for debt help use a charity e.g. those above.

Have you looked at whether you might be entitled to any help from universal credit as a family. Families with quite high incomes can be entitled to something.
https://www.entitledto.co.uk/

Please call the Samaritans tonight lovely.

They literally saved my life in December, I didn't want to go on anymore after my marriage ended. I was in such a dark, low place.

I spoke to them around twice a day for a week, sometimes not saying anything, sometimes sharing my life story. That, along with medication from my GP, really helped me to slowly see the light in life again.

Sending lots of love and strength.

So sorry you are feeling like this OP. I have had cancer too & it is so so shit. I also ended up leaving my job & am now working self employed on very few hours mostly due to my mental health having taken a battering. Please keep talking to us on here. Macmillan are good as others have said. Also Penny Brohn (based in Bristol but have a lot of online classes & support). Also the feeling of guilt & failure shows how depressed you are. Could you speak to your GP about your antidepressant? I know you are on the max dose of mirtazapine. Please know you are not alone OP. Don’t give up.

I'm so sorry you went through this too.
It just about takes everything from us. I hope you're in good health now and well done for coming out the other side. It's gruelling isn't it.

My heart is quite damaged from all my treatments as well as my lungs so I'm very limited as to what anx / dep medications I can take. I'm in such a rut and I can't see a way out. We aren't entitled to any help, my husband earns too much.

I won't want to kill myself, i just wouldn't mind dying. After all this time fighting for my life, I've come to the stage where I'm slowly giving up.

I'll keep talking on here and I may give the Samaritans a call. Probably very naive of me I just don't see how they'll be able to help with all my problems.

I need a medical and financial miracle. Both which I know for now, I won't get.

PLEASE,PLEASE HOLD ON. IT IS ALWAYS DARKEST BEFORE THE DAWN. THINGS WILL CHANGE. AS OTHERS HAVE SAID, REACH OUT TO ANY ORGANISATION WHO MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP. KEEP YOUR CHILD AT THE FRONT OF YOUR MIND. SHE NEEDS AND LOVES YOU. XXX

You have so much going on OP- it is no wonder you are feeling as low as you are and I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I'm also really outraged that our country doesn't support people with serious illness better- but that's for another thread. As others have suggested please contact Samaritans to get a more direct listening ear.
Please also contact Macmillan. When my MIL got cancer she became unable to work and things were very stressful because my FIL was already retired pretty much following redundancy 5 years previous. They still had some mortgage to pay and other bills etc. Macmillan helped them sort things out so my FIL applied for carers allowance and my MIL got given some form of DLA or PIP (can't remember now) but it was a pretty significant amount per month. She was terminal so I'm not sure if that made a difference to the payment but it really helped ease their financial stresses. Do you have an assigned Macmillan nurse already? If not, phone or email them tomorrow. Sending you a huge hug and a hand hold- you are clearly such a wonderful mum to your DD. Please hold on for her sake - even though I appreciate how emotionally, mentally and physically exhausting that feels right now. Xx

Firstly OP you are worth it. Secondly, one of my really good friends lost their mum to suicide when they were a child and they have never gotten over it. I promise you things will get better.
please can I send you my number so I can be the stranger to vent to x

I won’t post all the numbers. Others have.

What I will say is I am mentally where you are without half of that going on. It’s hard. I don’t talk to anyone. Why bother. It won’t change the situation. Some days I don’t leave bed. Other days I manically clean, terrified of what I’m turning into.

one day at a time.

I'm so sorry OP. It sounds like life is really really hard for you right now. If you imagine a couple of years ago someone told you your life would look like this now, you probably wouldn't have believed them. Life can change so so quickly. Similarly now, I know it's so hard to believe it can be better, and that it will get better, but I promise you, it will.
My brother took his own life and I wish everyday that someone had reached out to him. Please know, it's incredibly brave of you to reach out for help. I'm not saying this in a patronising way, and I know people may not seem like they care, there's a lot of hurt and selfish people out there at the moment, but I promise you they do care. So so many people care and would miss you. Please call Samaritans and talk through it. If not them, please talk to Macmillan. They got my mum talking therapy when she was in a similar place to you.

Hugs OP. I’m also your age with a life changing illness last year.
I don’t have much advice as I’m a relatively recent European expat, but my GP gave me generous referrals to food banks (although I don’t know how your husband would impact that, I wasn’t asked many questions, although I was underweight, so maybe worth a try ?