I don't want to be here anymore. I'm done with life.

[veryverymadworld]

Shamelessly posting again as I only got a couple of replies on the other thread and I just desperately need someone to talk to.

I have so much to deal with. I'm already dealing with so much.

Cancer (me diagnosed) money problems racking up in front of our eyes as my job is now very part time due to this. Not entitled to any benefits as DH earns too much. Recently took a guy to court who seriously sexually assaulted me but lost the case due to lack of evidence. Can't prove that I didn't give him consent. My dignity is through the floor. I worked so hard all my life since I was 16, but now we're in desperate need of help, we get nothing.

I'm ashamed to say, I took bread and some tins from LIDL yesterday as I couldn't pay for them. Had £5 and bought some basics but didn't put everything on the till and hid some bits in my bags so didn't pay for all of my shopping. Felt like the scum of the earth.

I've let my daughter down.
DH is working himself to the bone to try and keep us going but now behind now on bills with no way out and it's snowballing.

Every nice thing I own is on Vinted.
Pawned my wedding and engagement rings.

Already on max dose of mirtazapine.

Please don't think this post is for money. That's not the point of this post. I just need someone to talk to.
I was told I couldn't have children without IVF (which is how we got DD) but I fell pregnant recently naturally and we lost the baby at 7 weeks. I couldnt afford to feed another child anyway. Just another person to let down.

I'm so done with being in pain. With long hospital visits. With my little girl seeing paramedics work on her mum on the kitchen floor. I'm fed up with the shell of myself looking back at me in the mirror.

Our tax free childcare stopped last month because now I'm not earning the threshold. Any last bit of help is taken away from us. So now I can't afford for my daughter to go to her childcare, where she absolutely loves. The only bit of stability she's had whilst I've been in hospital.

Just a few years ago we were financially okay, my health was somewhat stable enough for me to have a bit of life back and have a baby. Now it's gone to shit again tenfold.

I'm working doing what I can but my work is so part time it's not even worth calling it work. I'm a financial advisor and I'm trying to advise people on their finances whilst mine are falling apart. Self employed but it's failing.

It's astounding what a change in health can do to you. What it can take away. So far it's taken my house, my daughters child care, I've had to sell my car I worked years for to buy, my precious jewellery, my friends and probably my business too along with what's left of my marriage.
I'm done with this life. I'm in my early 30s and I'm scarily suicidal.

Wow, this is scarily sad. I really hope you hold on for your daughters sake, and keep reaching out for help, in whichever way you can. I know it’s very easy to say, but eventually, you things will improve in some way. You must continue, you are already so so brave to be coping and I have faith you will get through it. ❤️

Hi op

I'm a daughter to a mum struggling very much right now so my view is somewhat of what your daughter is seeing.

Its hard to see my mum struggle with the pain and everything that comes with it, but at the end of the day, boy am I glad she is still here. Even as an adult, I so very much need her. Your lovely daughter does too.

I'm sorry, no practical advice but just wanted to give you a daughter's view ❤️

I'll be keeping you in my prayers

I'm so sorry you're in this place.

Have you checked if you're eligible for PIP? Sounds like you may be and it may make you eligible for other benefits.

Can you also speak to a debt advisor and get a debt management plan ? For you and your partner.

Hi everyone.
I'm so sorry to go a bit MIA, I realise it's probably the wrong thing to do after posting what I did. I'm still here.

I got my little girl and put her in bed with me. (She's only 2 so doesn't take that much space up) and I'm just holding her and watching her sleep. She's so peaceful and that makes me peaceful. I love her so damn much it hurts. Every single fibre of her I adore. I'd die for her. We fought so hard to have her, so I can't leave her. I can't leave her without a mummy. I love her too much.

The urge is still there as I really can't cope with this pain, but to fill her with a pain for the rest of her life is something I cannot do. Ending my life wouldn't end the pain, it'll just pass it onto her.

I will keep posting. I've read every reply and I appreciate you all so much. I can't believe I have got to this point. I never thought I'd get to this point. It's scary and lonely and I wish I could sleep, but laying next to my little girl dreaming away without a care in the world, will always bring me peace.

I'm going to call the doctors tomorrow morning and get back into CAB to see again if there's anything more they can do to help.

Thank you all so much. Each and everyone of you.

You can do this OP. Things will change, one way or another. It won't be this way forever. What you said about how much your life has changed in such a short space of time works both ways - By the time she is in school, you could be in much better health, able to work more, your financial situation could be lots better.

What support do you have? Is your husband a good egg? Do you have any family/friends who love you and can help you practically, financially or emotionally? Are you connected to any cancer support services?

I think you are incredibly brave, most people don't have to survive a fraction of what you're going through all at once. Be so kind to yourself.

Thinking of you, OP.

I know it sounds trite but when I feel terrible it really helps to take the odd moment to go for a walk somewhere green, or even just to look at the sky for a minute or two, watch the birds, the wind in the trees etc. In times of stress we can get into a kind of panicky tunnel vision, remembering there's a whole world around you can help to process the stress and give a bit of perspective so it doesn't feel so all-encompassing.

Have you applied for pip op?

@veryverymadworld did you call the GP?

I spoke to mine today. My mood is bouncing all over and I wandered if I was peri. Had blood tests. Results today. Apparently my bloods are all normal. Great. That means the 200mg of Sertraline I’ve been on for over seven years isn’t cutting it. Perhaps it is good old depression.

How are you doing tonight? I don’t have children. I loiter here to fill that gap in a way.

Hi everyone just checking back in.
@FlappyFish it's good that your bloods were okay but it's shit that you come to the realisation it's bloody depression rearing it's ugly head. I wonder if I'm on the same boat. Been on mirtazapine for a year but I'm so limited on what I can take due to my heart condition. I hope there's something there.

I finished my therapy a few months back. It was NHS so maybe it might be worth going back but no idea if I'd go back to the bottom of the never ending list. How're you feeling today?

I've woken up with a clearer head today. I'm so down but life goes on and the world keeps turning so I'm just trying to keep my world spinning at my own pace.

PIP - it's complicated, I don't know if I would get any. I tried a few years back and it was a resounding no but I'm going to try again as now I have this heart condition to contend with.

What's everybody up to today? I'm working this morning until 12.30 then off to a market research which should give us some money to get a little food shop.
At least the sun is shining here in the midlands!

Good to hear from you @veryverymadworld

Do you have a specialist nurse for your heart condition who could help you with filling out the PIP form?

I’ve been working today - a rather manic and disjointed day but I got the most important bits from my never ending to do list done and will start again tomorrow!

Oh op just in case you don't know about it, Prolific is a site that gives you money for completing surveys online. Some are really short and you get less than a pound, others are more complex and you can get more - but it's just a quite simple way of making a bit of money when you can't get out of bed or do any real brain work. Just a thought!

Please speak to Macmillan on their national phone line. they have a partnership with BUPA which can refer you for counselling if you think that might be helpful. They can also do a benefit check and help apply for a grant - although that is somewhat means tested the threshold for earnings is quite high from what I remember. Have you looked at the criteria for claiming PIP ? Whilst a cancer diagnosis itself doesn't qualify you, many many people with cancer will qualify and particularly if mental health is poor like in your case. The advisors will support you with form filling and gathering medical evidence. I hope things feel a little better soon.

@veryverymadworld that’s a shame about the different meds and working with your heart condition. I was on Mirrazpine briefly many years back. It worked great for mood but made me gain weight so quickly. That made the depression worst.

I’m doing ok today. I’ve got bits of work to do and I’ve been ferrying my Mum round. It helps me feel useful.

You self refer to talking therapies here. Worth a go for you? I mean, anything is better than the alternative of living in that turmoil and feeling how you feel.

I’ve done oodles of therapy. I actually found it useful to go back and revisit it with later in life perspectives. It also made me realise how much my recollections changed when I read back some of the journal. Very odd.

How are you today?