I don't want to be here anymore. I'm done with life.

[veryverymadworld]

Shamelessly posting again as I only got a couple of replies on the other thread and I just desperately need someone to talk to.

I have so much to deal with. I'm already dealing with so much.

Cancer (me diagnosed) money problems racking up in front of our eyes as my job is now very part time due to this. Not entitled to any benefits as DH earns too much. Recently took a guy to court who seriously sexually assaulted me but lost the case due to lack of evidence. Can't prove that I didn't give him consent. My dignity is through the floor. I worked so hard all my life since I was 16, but now we're in desperate need of help, we get nothing.

I'm ashamed to say, I took bread and some tins from LIDL yesterday as I couldn't pay for them. Had £5 and bought some basics but didn't put everything on the till and hid some bits in my bags so didn't pay for all of my shopping. Felt like the scum of the earth.

I've let my daughter down.
DH is working himself to the bone to try and keep us going but now behind now on bills with no way out and it's snowballing.

Every nice thing I own is on Vinted.
Pawned my wedding and engagement rings.

Already on max dose of mirtazapine.

Please don't think this post is for money. That's not the point of this post. I just need someone to talk to.
I was told I couldn't have children without IVF (which is how we got DD) but I fell pregnant recently naturally and we lost the baby at 7 weeks. I couldnt afford to feed another child anyway. Just another person to let down.

I'm so done with being in pain. With long hospital visits. With my little girl seeing paramedics work on her mum on the kitchen floor. I'm fed up with the shell of myself looking back at me in the mirror.

Our tax free childcare stopped last month because now I'm not earning the threshold. Any last bit of help is taken away from us. So now I can't afford for my daughter to go to her childcare, where she absolutely loves. The only bit of stability she's had whilst I've been in hospital.

Just a few years ago we were financially okay, my health was somewhat stable enough for me to have a bit of life back and have a baby. Now it's gone to shit again tenfold.

I'm working doing what I can but my work is so part time it's not even worth calling it work. I'm a financial advisor and I'm trying to advise people on their finances whilst mine are falling apart. Self employed but it's failing.

It's astounding what a change in health can do to you. What it can take away. So far it's taken my house, my daughters child care, I've had to sell my car I worked years for to buy, my precious jewellery, my friends and probably my business too along with what's left of my marriage.
I'm done with this life. I'm in my early 30s and I'm scarily suicidal.

Your daughter needs you OP. My mother killed herself and the pain, the sorrow and the guilt never ever go away. I know your mind is telling you she would be better off not seeing you suffer, but honestly, she needs you. However you are, whatever you're going through, she's better off with you here, with the possibility of your recovery and your better future, than with the Impossible and unchangeable fact that you chose to die over being with her. She will not get over that ever.

I'm so sorry you're having such a terrible time. Do you have anyone you can reach out to - family, friends - to help you financially, at least enough to put food on the table and maybe your keep your DD in her childcare provision part time? Quite apart from stability for her you need that time to care for yourself. If I had a friend in your position I would support them without question.

Samaritans OP, please ring them ❤

By this I meant I got the impression GPs word was trusted re food banks, there was definitely no paperwork to fill in about my finances, I told the truth, but I didn’t have to prove anything.
best wishes

I just can't do this anymore 😭😭😭😭😭

I’m so sorry I can’t remember the name of the equivalent of samaritans for 25-35, hopefully other posters might, but they’re great (they don’t treat you like a child or anything, I just connected with them much better than Samaritans).
Hope it gives you a tiny bit of hope that I can’t remember the name today🍀

A minute at a time, an hour at at a time after that….
If you feel too unwell please do call emergency services.
I can’t say I’ve found the light at the end of the tunnel yet, but some little things have changed. It takes everything and more that you have though, please don’t think you’re alone in feeling like this.

And OP I’m sorry to be blunt but that miracle doesn’t exist, believe me. You’ll just leave a daughter who needs your love with a mum with likely sequels from trying, or worse no mum. Sorry, I’m unsure this is appropriate, but it’s the truth.
Stay strong OP
And please do call emergency services rather than helplines if you feel desperate, it can accelerate pathways to help (and no, you don’t need to act, just say how you feel)

Apologies miracle tablet or method I meant

https://www.papyrus-uk.org/

Well, remembered it after all
Give it a try? They can contact emergency services for you also, or others

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Some further support links:

NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
NHS: Looking after your mental health
MIND: Coping with mental health problems during coronavirus

CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably
NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts

Very best wishes from MNHQ.

Keep going for your little girl op. Better that she sees mummy being helped by kind doctors on the floor, than having no mummy at all.

Sounds really tough. Good luck.

Didn’t want to read and run. You sound an amazing strong mother, going through a very difficult time. Sending you love and strength xx

You can because you have to for your little girl, I’ve been that kid (albeit older), i know how much she needs you to keep fighting.

But that’s not to say that you need to do it all by yourself, seek some support, even if it’s just someone to talk to. Prioritise your bills, if some of them can’t be paid, talk to the companies involved, tell them you need to pay less and see if they will let you spread payments out. Find a local food bank and see if macmillan can help you access more financial support.

As you said, you’ve fought for your life against cancer - you must keep going now!

Its an absolute scandal that people are left stranded by the government at times of ill health like this!

Ah OP what a tough time you're having 💐.

A few things I can see that could help.

Look into Young Carer's groups for DD. It sounds like she's helping you with your health if she's involved with paramedics? It will give her something as respite from the daily shite situation and to be with others who understand.

If you're in pain can the doctors do anything more about that? I'd be telling them the current pain relief is insufficient.

Are there any charities for cancer that can help by providing alternative therapies? Sometimes people find these things helpful for pain relief or relaxation, if nothing else.

So your finances are taking a hammering and I know as a family you already have a lot to deal with, but is moving to a smaller place or a cheaper area an option? It could relieve the stress of watching the debts mount up, if it's possible to find some way of making outgoings match income. I know it's not ideal and the last thing you'll feel like doing is moving home but it might make life better in the long run.

Actually, I think you need some help organising everything, because of feeling so low. Ask your GP to make a referral to social services (for you, not children's services) so you can have someone help you find options/solutions and help you put things in place to help yourself/ the family. Some GP practices have social workers attached to them now for early intervention so people don't end up with even bigger messes to sort out needing further intervention. I'd also ask for counseling to deal with the aftermath of the court case (and call Rape Crisis helpline or similar for support while you're waiting) and the miscarriage (there's probably a helpline for that too).

Hi OP,
We are just bobbing our heads round to replace the MIND link initially included to something more up to date. If you click here , you'll hopefully find some useful resources.

We are wishing you the very best wishes

from MNHQ.

Bless you for thinking of me OP. It’s a horrible horrible disease. I also have side effects from all the cancer treatment. I am in remission now but I am monitored regularly as my cancer was stage 4 so I am deemed high risk. I struggle a lot with my mental health now too. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I know the feeling of wishing that you don’t exist. As others have said don’t hesitate to call 999 if you can’t keep yourself safe. Samaritans too. Also do you get PIP? It’s not means tested. There’s also employment support allowance. I don’t get either but you might be eligible.

OP My heart breaks for you. You are dealing with so much. Local food banks will be able to help you out with groceries. Citizens advice will be a good source of benefits and financial advice. Just one small step to get some help and then another. People do care and will help.

I'm so so sorry you have so very much to deal with

There's some excellent advice here and all I can add is to take one day and one task at a time

Please stay with us; we're all here to help you x

OP please reach out to the organisations linked. Look at food banks too. This time feels hellish I'm sure but you will look back at it and realise how strong you were getting through it.

Sending hugs to you sounds like you have had it rough! You’re a fighter and you can do this!! Go through your bank statements eg any memberships, is there anything you can cancel to save money. Most important your daughter and husband need you. Speak to your husband or any relatives x sometimes admitting to relatives you have issues they may be able to help with food or essentials. Speak to your dr too they can make referrals for food banks! Try benefits again pip is not means tested. Sometimes you have to appeal! Keep going and look at alternatives you got this! Maybe try and get a job where your employed as sick benefits are quite helpful xx don’t presume people won’t hire you as your experience alone is amazing!
there’s a lovely song by Wilson Phillips called hold on for one more day - google it and play when I have felt low this help me Xx

I’m so very sorry you’re going through this op, I just want to give you a cuddle :( because of your health are you entitled to pip or anything?

@veryverymadworld i’m so sorry that your situa has caused you to feel like this.

please ring any of the helplines already mentioned above for support, or 999 if that’s what’s needed right now.

Do you have a specialist nurse? You should be eligible for PIP based on what you’ve said and they can help you to fill out the forms. Don’t put a brave face on it when answering the questions, base it on the worst days. Also how much does your DH do for you? He may be able to get attendance allowance.

These things will help take some of the awful financial pressures off you allowing you to focus on getting yourself better.

sending you much love xx

attendance allowance is for the elderly, it'd be carer's allowance for the OP's DH

Sometimes foodbanks need a referral so ask anyone official if they can provide that eg citizens advice, GP, school etc

@veryverymadworld you can do this. I’m doing it with you. I have a plan. I have letters drafted in my head. I can’t write them as it makes it closer. But I’m not going to do this and neither are you.

Your earlier post gave me a kick up the bum. I said then I’m not dealing with half as much as you. I’m not. In no way shape or form. And that gave me a little fire again. Kindled something in me. I did a bundle of gardening. It helped.

Please let me know you’re there and ok? Or have gone to sleep tm morning? I love sleep. My brain doesn’t whirl or go numb.