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Original poster

I can’t see a way out of my misery but I feel forced to end my life

63 replies

Stillwearingskinnys · 02/05/2023 19:18

Things are very bad.

I have been so unhappy for so many years.

On paper I sound a success, great job, ‘d’p, 3 lovely kids, nice house.

But I am so dreadfully dreadfully lonely and feel so unloved.

The lies, gaslighting, debt caused from my soul mate of 15 years has finally broken me.

I don’t see a future for me, put off ending it for my kids and mums sake. Now I don’t seem to care.

I can’t take another day of being stuck in the house wfh, never seeing anyone but kids and p, day in day out.

I spend my days thinking about ways of ending it all.

I look dreadful. I have only met a couple of friends a couple of times since before covid.

I feel absolutely hopeless.

Dont know why I am even posting. Suppose I just needed someone out there to hear me.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 02/05/2023 20:05

Do you feel as though you could call one of the friends you mentioned ? Or maybe text them and say that you could do with a chat?

Or a helpline/Samaritans?

Are you safe right now?

I care. Honestly. I really feel sad that life is so difficult and unhappy for you.

HappiDaze · 02/05/2023 20:06

Or stay at a friends for a couple of days or as long as possible without him knowing

I did this when I reached my limit

I just buggered off and stayed in my friends spare room for a few days without DC to give myself time to reflect

It shifted the dynamics in my favour

PickoftheMix · 02/05/2023 20:07

Please just keep posting OP. No "thoughts in your head" will be seen as silly or trivial if you need to just get them out. With wfh, is there a library nearby you could work from? Even for a few hours, or a coffee shop. I struggle too wfh and the isolation so sometimes just being around people with background noise helps.

Dracuuule · 02/05/2023 20:12

Please reach out to someone.
Do you have family you can talk to? Any friends?
Phone the Samaritans or one of the helplines.

This is you at rock bottom. It's your desperation talking. There is a way through this. Please talk to someone.

Vallmo47 · 02/05/2023 20:13

I’m sorry you’re in the darkest moment OP. I have been there and know many others who have. Do you know the song “Bridge over troubled water” by Simon & Garfunkel? The lyrics really hit home to me so we used them at my mother’s funeral. She was my bridge, much like you are your children’s. But sometimes it’s time to reach out and let someone else carry you for a while. And now is that time. ♥️

Kentlassie · 02/05/2023 20:18

Keep talking to us. We are here. You are not alone I promise.

I’ve felt like you do. I made a plan and used to fantasise about doing it. But in the end I didn’t because I wanted to stay for my dc, even though I thought they would be better off without me.

For now, talk to us and call any one of the helplines suggested if you can. It will feel like a weight off your mind.

You can make changes to make life worth living again, and we can help with suggestions if that would help.

Please don’t give up.

Silene · 02/05/2023 20:23

You will survive this, truly, there is help, and this too shall pass. I know very well the kind of despair, and have also thought and planned but my children and extended family would not have got over it. You are precious and loved by them, and that love will get you through this, and solutions can be found. Sending you love and hugs and strength. xxx

Original poster
Stillwearingskinnys · 02/05/2023 20:26

Vallmo47 · 02/05/2023 20:13

I’m sorry you’re in the darkest moment OP. I have been there and know many others who have. Do you know the song “Bridge over troubled water” by Simon & Garfunkel? The lyrics really hit home to me so we used them at my mother’s funeral. She was my bridge, much like you are your children’s. But sometimes it’s time to reach out and let someone else carry you for a while. And now is that time. ♥️

But I have tried before, no one is ever free to talk other than p.

He doesn’t hear me, is understanding and listens, but basically tells me everything is my fault. My past anxiety is the reason for his lies and debt.

I just feel like I have tried and tried to stay positive for so many years and now I see it was all for nothing. No future. Never see anyone. A visit to the supermarket once every 2-3 weeks is me going out, been this way for years. Zero energy to do anything really. Anxiety about going anywhere.

finally the penny has dropped that my p is not actually my best friend at all. I am just some sort of puppet for him to manipulate.

everyday is the same. Wake up, sad I woke up. Kids, housework, wfh, clean up everyone’s mess, laundry, cook tea. For what??

I am so desperately unhappy. The only reason I haven’t done it before now was because of family, but now I just think I just can’t do it anymore. There is no purpose as to why I am.

OP posts:
Beaniesmumsie · 02/05/2023 20:34

I think you’re posting here because you want us to keep talking to you and stop you from doing anything stupid. We are listening, I’m sorry life isn’t working out how you imagined it atm but you can get out of this. I’m sure your kids adore you even though they might not show you the appreciation you deserve.

As others have mentioned, have you spoken to women’s aid? Do you think leaving him and having a fresh start will be good for you all? Sounds like he’s tearing you down piece by piece but you can rebuild yourself, because you’re great and I’m sorry he’s not appreciating how amazing you are.

Emily29 · 02/05/2023 20:50

We're all here for you to talk to. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.
There is help out there for you.
How old are you children? X

Siezethefish · 02/05/2023 20:57

do you have or can you get a dog? I wfh and having to leave the house every day to walk him is great for my mental health. Plus you get to talk to other dog owners if only in passing.plus they give you unconditional love.

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 02/05/2023 21:04

If you are not married, it's not your debt, its his. Your children need you, they really do. How about post what is going on with this man, and see if some of the people on here can help you get away from him.

Gazelda · 02/05/2023 21:23

It sounds as though things could be happier for you if you were to split from your P.

Do think that could be true?

overitunderit · 02/05/2023 21:29

Please don't end it. Those children need you. It might not feel like it but I promise you that their life is better just because you are here. Seek help immediately and start taking steps to change your life. There is another future waiting for you

parietal · 02/05/2023 21:42

tell us about your DC. how old are they? what do they do that makes you smile?

SquidgersMummy · 02/05/2023 21:59

Please don't end it. Things can be better. Your children would be devastated. You are loved. It just feels dark and overwhelming but there is help.

Please tell us about your children.
Tell us about you.

If a miracle happened overnight and you could wake up anywhere where would you be tomorrow? and what would you be doing? Who with? I bet we can all help you with a tiny step towards this. That would be a step nearer. X

Original poster
Stillwearingskinnys · 02/05/2023 22:04

Kids are dd12, ds12 and dd17.

Its the mind games of 15 years with p.

I don’t know what is real and what isn’t. I spent years believing his lies were my fault. All of a sudden the last lot of lies recently has just made me see the truth.

He was my everything. I can’t unsee how he has twisted every conversation. The lies upon lies. When I call him out on them, he turns from sweetness and light to horrible.

That is just for starters. I haven’t got it in me for what is coming

OP posts:
Keeponpottingon · 02/05/2023 22:27

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry you feel like this. Heartbreaking as it is yours is the second thread I've read tonight about someone feeling the same as you. You are not alone. Suicide is a permanent fix to a temporary problem and you aren't thinking straight right now. You are poorly and you need help tonight. Please call Samaritans...what have you got to lose? Or even better take yourself to A and E. You aren't bothering anyone. Let people care for you. You do deserve it and you would be very missed. Take care of yourself. Sending big hugs xxx

woollymammal · 02/05/2023 22:40

Maybe its this life you have you want to end, rather than your actual life.

Are you able to do 'golden thinking' ? That is, to think of how life could be....even if at this point you have no idea of how to make it so, or strength to.

Sometimes even being able to glimpse something different is just enough to hang onto.

Try it. Make a nice cup of tea or coffee...think while you make it 'I am doing something nice for myself, I deserve it' and as you drink it, just think what could be.

TheVanguardSix · 02/05/2023 22:41

It is just awful. You’ve woken up to the deception and it is soul destroying. You are grieving… worse than that because most grief is powered by a great love. But when you have been so deceived by someone you trusted with your heart and your soul, the pain becomes way bigger than you. You are being swallowed up by that pain.

Do you want to talk about his lies and deceit? This is a safe place to let loose. This is a safe place to rage if you need to. ❤️

BartsLongLostBro · 02/05/2023 22:44

Just leave! The kids will be fine. You can start again. You will be free. You DO have choices, you can't see them right now as you have been worn down but you have a lots of options for a different life. You are strong enough to do this.

Mischance · 02/05/2023 22:44

The Samaritans saved me - please ring them. They do not judge, they just care.

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 02/05/2023 22:47

You are completely and utterly depressed and exhausted.

Exhausted of the life you are living.

You can create change. Step by step.

Please reach out to your GP without you partner knowing. Please seek help outside of the home environment.

You are worn out, worn down and done in.

So, baby steps - do you think you can call the GP? (If nosey receptionist, just say urgent mental health).

That's step one. We're all here.

Original poster
Stillwearingskinnys · 02/05/2023 23:11

But if I ring gp won’t they tell ss? I don’t want that for them.

@TheVanguardSix that is exactly how I feel. But I am so annoyed at myself too because it’s not the first time.

I feel such a fool looking back believing him. He was my soul mate though.

It was our 15 year anniversary less than a month ago, he was awful to me for no reason, really awful. Then a couple of days later I found out about the extra debt. Just squandering thousands.

It’s all my fault though, because of my anxiety.

You are right, I don’t want to end my life, I want this one to end and that is the only option I have. I cannot do another day of this tomorrow.

If I reach out for help in rl what can anyone do? Not a lot I imagine. They cannot pay his half of the bills, everything I have worked so hard for, my home for 20 years gone.

No one realises how much attachment I have to my home, I can’t explain it. My safe place would be gone

OP posts:
MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 02/05/2023 23:18

@Stillwearingskinnys I've been mentally ill all my child raising years. I'm talking being stitched up for SH, overdoses, blah blah I was never once reported to SS or CS as now known.

However I was referred to lovely group therapy sessions that were run by SS and psychiatrists. It was a great help to me and zero judgement.

CS have such a hard job. They want good mum's to get well whilst dealing with the horrors we see on the news.

But no, no GP ever called CS regarding my MH.