I can’t see a way out of my misery but I feel forced to end my life

[Stillwearingskinnys]

Things are very bad.

I have been so unhappy for so many years.

On paper I sound a success, great job, ‘d’p, 3 lovely kids, nice house.

But I am so dreadfully dreadfully lonely and feel so unloved.

The lies, gaslighting, debt caused from my soul mate of 15 years has finally broken me.

I don’t see a future for me, put off ending it for my kids and mums sake. Now I don’t seem to care.

I can’t take another day of being stuck in the house wfh, never seeing anyone but kids and p, day in day out.

I spend my days thinking about ways of ending it all.

I look dreadful. I have only met a couple of friends a couple of times since before covid.

I feel absolutely hopeless.

Dont know why I am even posting. Suppose I just needed someone out there to hear me.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. I’m sure someone wiser will reply soon but I couldn’t read and not reply. It sounds a very hard situation. Can you leave- any family or friends nearby?

No not really. Thank you for replying x.

Just needed to someone to hear me

Hi Stillwearingskinnys, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when any of our users are struggling we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well. We hope you'll feel able to reach out in real life too.

Some further support links:

NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
NHS: Looking after your mental health
MIND: Coping with mental health problems during coronavirus

CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably
NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts

We hope life looks a lot brighter for you very soon

Very best wishes from MNHQ.

You sound desperate op. I would give some helplines a call right now and get talking to some people who are trained with this situation.
It's so easy for me to say please do not end you life, and that you have so much to live for but I do not know you or your situation so it would seem disingenuous. I think it's important for you to know how loved and needed you are, especially by those wonderful children! I think professional help and antidepressants are a must for you right now.

Sorry you're feeling like this lovely
How would you like your life to look?
Your partner sounds like the biggest cause of your unhappiness, millions of people seperate and it's all fine.

Do you need to stay with your partner? Are you with him for financial reasons?

I can tell you to go for a walk or arrange a meet up with friends... but I know from experience when feeling like this you wont have the energy or will to do this. What does make you happy? Is there anything at all?

I have been really depressed and thinking of suicide for a couple of years. I know it feels like theres no way out but there is. I feel better this year than I have for years and no longer think of suicide.

I'm happy to talk and give you some virtual company.

Feeling you've no other option but to end your life could be a medical emergency, especially if you've started to making plans about how or when, or started making preparations for when you're gone. Please go to your GP, or if you feel like you can't keep yourself safe even for a few hours, A&E. You may be dangerously unwell, even if it feels like what you're thinking is just the rational conclusion.

I hear you.

Have you tried woman’s aid? Your kids love you and I’m sure they don’t care what you look like. Friends won’t care either.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Please hold on, even if only for your kids, while you work on living for yourself again too.

Your partner sounds like the main problem you mention. Can you separate from him? You might find life brighter when out from under all the gaslighting and stress. 💐

Hugs from me please speak to someone, find something you love and hang on for it. Tiny steps at this stage if you can leave him.

I know you feel like there is no solution but there is, you just need to start seeing it. People around you, your children need you!
Please look for help, there’s some good ideas suggested already, many helplines and A&E too.
It will all get better ❤️‍🩹

please don’t give up OP there is always a way and your children need their mum.
can we practically help?

Although the circumstances were different, I felt like you did once and made an attempt. I didn't receive external help, it was all swept under the rug by those who should have helped me. But I'm in a position now to look back and be glad I was unsuccessful.

At one point I had a moment of realisation that continues to help me today... I thought of all the 'major' events/periods that had happened in my life. How big did they feel at the time? Good or bad. And what happened? Well... time had passed. Each 'major' event/period passed and became history. Each moment was fleeting, in spite of how monumental it felt at the time and it always feels like it goes on indefinitely at the time. There are occasions still where I have to remind myself that this too shall pass.

Please speak to somebody though. Even just a phone call to a helpline. Someone will be far wiser than I am and be able to guide you better. I'm sending you unmumsnetty hugs

OP I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.

But let me tell you you would be so missed.

Nearly 5 months on me and my boys still miss their daddy every day. They wonder why they weren't enough. I wonder why I didn't notice.

There is always a reason, and always a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dark it seems. Please phone for help. It's out there ❤️

Oh op, you sound so sad. Please don’t underestimate what a bad partner can do to your mind. Could you leave? Then get help to undo the damage?

Your children, your mum & your friends really love & need you.

@Stillwearingskinnys like DietCokeUser said, I couldn’t read you message and not respond.

So sorry you’re going through this. I called the Samaritans at the start of 2022 and they were a lifeline to me, so kind and caring. I think you should give them a bell, you can tell them everything that’s on your mind and everything you’ve gone through - just sharing this will make you feel a bit better. They’ll remind you that you are deeply loved, by your DC, DM and others. They can recommend more support for the practical stuff like debt management.

The bad times never last, they’re not forever. What is forever though is if you chose to end it all. I’m not saying this to make you feel bad but your loved ones would be devastated. Think of them and all those unanswered questions and the sadness you would leave them with.

This is what I think you could do short term to help get your through this very difficult moment: tomorrow call the GP and get signed off work for a couple of weeks (you can tell them a bit about how you’re feeling, or if you’re not ready, explain you have insomnia and can’t work if that’s easier). Then spend the time outdoors in nature, soaking up the Spring weather. Pick up a book or magazine if you think you can focus (obviously this might not be possible) or chose some a podcasts to listen to just to distract yourself a bit. Reach out to friends on WhatsApp just say you’re checking in and seeing how they are, no need to meet IRL if the thought is too stressful. Just to get yourself back on track and in a better headspace.

Its so hard with everything you’re facing atm, but I’m sure you’re strong enough to get through this. Just tiny steps at a time. We all believe in you on this thread. Sending all the love xxxx

Once you've reached this stage, you're at the point where you've literally nothing left to lose, so you should at least try making a change and quit your job, or leave your partner, or buy yourself something you want.

Honestly, your children need you in their future lives. Your life sounds like it has the potential to be lovely. Just make some changes and get through the next 6 months - you will be absolutely fine.

@whataballbag i am so desperately sorry for your loss xxx.

I felt this way for the majority of last year. I'm sorry you're going through this. If you're living with gaslighting and emotional abuse, and you feel you've no way out, it's totally understandable you feel this way.

There are ways out of this situation other than death.

What are the reasons that you can't leave?

I felt like you did a few years ago. Had made a decision to end it, had a clear and workable plan. I felt very calm about it, and very decided, and was reading the paper. In it I read an article by Joey Essex whose mum ended her own life when he was a child. He said, ' She ended her pain, but what about me?'

I couldn't do it then.

Your problems sound awful but they also sound resolvable. I hate working from home and it has really damaged my mental health badly, so I get that. Get help, from GP, medication, counsellor, wherever and use that use that to start to get out in the evenings and weekends. Get out, do things, meet people, stop being trapped in your house and head. Being around people will slowly start to wake you up. Think about changing to a job that is less wfh if possible. Think about leaving your P if he makes you miserable. Your problems seem insurmountable but they are not. Seek help from people who can support you to make a change.

Oh and the Samaritans are great if you just want someone to talk to, and who will make you feel that they care.

@Stillwearingskinnys Thankyou. You're clearly a very kind person still thinking and feeling for others when you're having an incredibly shit time yourself.

It doesn't seem like it now, but taking your own life is a permanent solution to temporary problems.

How old are your kids?

What all the lovely pps have said.
I know it doesn't feel like it will but things will change for the better as they always do.
Sendung you a big hug ❤️

I couldn't read and not post.

You sound so sad and tired and I know how that feels but please try and hold on until you've called a helpline. I have had to a couple of times when I lost all hope that things would get better or change.
You will be loved by your kids and you deserve to feel better.

People here will listen and let you offload. Try us, we might give you that wee bit of a left to make a call or have a vision of what you want.
Xo

Book a break for yourself and just go for 2 weeks anywhere you can

Don't tell your DP and let him sort out the logistics of childcare etc and turn your phone off