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Original poster

Talk me down. I want to end things

104 replies

Beachbreak2411 · 02/05/2023 18:37

Thins are shit. I’m in massive dept and don’t know how to sort it. I fell asleep today and missed picking my daughter up from a sports class so my parents got her and won’t bring her home. I’m googling easy ways to kill myself and have written my goodbye notes. I don’t want to leave my daughter but I’m not worthy of her and she’s going to be better without me.

OP posts:
LobsterBiscuit · 02/05/2023 18:40

She'll never be better off without you, don't do it to her. You need some real life help, someone will know who you can call. Samaritans? Crisis team?

fivetriangulartrees · 02/05/2023 18:40

It sounds like you're having an exceptionally hard time but things can be fixed. Do you want to talk more about what's going on?

GoodChat · 02/05/2023 18:41

She wouldn't be better off without you. It sounds like you're going through a tough time without a support network.

In the morning, call citizens advice and get something in place for the debt. How much is it? Are you working?

Is your daughter healthy, clean and well loved? How old is she? If you go, she's the one who has to deal with that for the rest of her life. Does she have the capacity to do that? I doubt it. She needs you.

FishChipsMushyPeas · 02/05/2023 18:43

You sound like you need some practical support from Samaritans or your gp. Stepchange for debt (I think that's what they are called)

Please believe this though, i can't imagine one single scenario where your child would be better off without you. Please keep posting here, get it out.

Monsterjam · 02/05/2023 18:43

I’m sorry you feel so awful. Try and remember that this too shall pass. Try and get somewhere safe, maybe A&E

MissingMoominMamma · 02/05/2023 18:44

She will NOT be better off without you- please know this.

Get an appointment with a Dr tonight. Tell them what you’ve told us. You need help.

Original poster
Beachbreak2411 · 02/05/2023 18:48

She’s awesome. She’s 13. Clean, beautiful clothes, warm fed and loved. She’s healthy and happy and the best kid ever. I let her down. If I wasn’t here she could live in my parents huge house where no worries about heating, hot water or electric. My parents brought my bros homes each but I’m renting a shitty council house. She needs better than me. When I’m gone she will be ok as willhave a home and my family don’t give a shit about me so they won’t grieve and upset her (my mum said she wished I had never been born in front of my daughter)

OP posts:
NurseCranesRolodex · 02/05/2023 18:49

You need to call The Samaritans now. You will ruin your daughters life and set her up for a lifetime of blaming herself for not making
Mummy happy enough to stay with her. Help yourself now, for her sakes. You have much to offer, get help with debt and your mental health, look at a photo of your daughter, when you brought her into the world you made a commitment. Do not give up on yourself, get on the phone now.

NurseCranesRolodex · 02/05/2023 18:52

Go and collect her then. Your Mum sounds awful but that's her problem. Keep them at arms length. You need to address your mental health, please please do it this evening. Make a call to Samaritans.

Giselletheunicorn · 02/05/2023 18:54

She is never going to be better off without you. A child who loses a parent to suicide struggles with that loss and rejection their whole life. She will always question why Mummy didn't love her enough to stay. OP, PLEASE speak to someone - your family, the doctor, the Samaritans etc to try and access some help.

Lily0719 · 02/05/2023 18:56

I understand you feel low at the moment and I’m so sorry you are struggling, but leaving your child with a life time of emotional trauma is not worth it. You can’t just think of yourself. You need to get help and talk to someone you can trust. Life can only get better from here, please try to remember that.

Coffeeandbourbons · 02/05/2023 18:57

If you kill yourself she might have a bigger house but she won’t have a mother. Nobody to help her choose a wedding dress, nobody to help her when she eventually has her own baby, nobody to be proud when she passes her driving test. Other people can’t fill that gap, it’s yours. Please don’t do it, just hold on, if only for now. Keep posting on here.

GoodChat · 02/05/2023 18:58

Beachbreak2411 · 02/05/2023 18:48

She’s awesome. She’s 13. Clean, beautiful clothes, warm fed and loved. She’s healthy and happy and the best kid ever. I let her down. If I wasn’t here she could live in my parents huge house where no worries about heating, hot water or electric. My parents brought my bros homes each but I’m renting a shitty council house. She needs better than me. When I’m gone she will be ok as willhave a home and my family don’t give a shit about me so they won’t grieve and upset her (my mum said she wished I had never been born in front of my daughter)

If your mother is so horrible about her own daughter, how could you trust her to love and care for yours like you do?

FishChipsMushyPeas · 02/05/2023 18:59

Your lovely daughter needs to be the hell away from your awful mother.

When your daughter looks back on her childhood I doubt she will once think 'ugh I wish I lived with my vile grandparents in their big house' or even 'I wish I didn't live in a council house' (my in laws live in a council house and it's lovely). She'll look back at her childhood and remember the lovely things she did with YOU.

You aren't failing her, she sounds lovely.

Cal2022 · 02/05/2023 18:59

Please call the Samaritans. Your daughter needs you. There is no one and nothing in the world that can replace a mum. Please get the help you need. Your daughter’s life will be so so much worse if you leave her now. Please don’t do that.

Emily29 · 02/05/2023 19:01

There is help out there for debt, please don't worry. Please call for help now, your daughter needs you and loves you.

FeltedDogs · 02/05/2023 19:02

Exactly what the last poster said. It's ok to reach absolute rock bottom and it's ok to have a pity party but you know you need to get help and I think deep down you know you will probably look back at today as the lowest point. It is impossible to pull yourself together, stick your chin up or any of the other bullshit but you do hold a huge power right now, you feel out of control but you hold a power. However awful it is, if you would sacrifice anything for your daughter, who sounds lovely by the way, then you should sacrifice this helplessness and speak to someone, anyone, scream, shout, demand drugs or admission, whatever you need. But please don't leave her. She needs you. If you were not a decent human being and a loving mother you wouldn't have reached out. I'm so sorry, I wish I could wave a magic wand or at least give you a hug x

Pinksmyfavoritecolour · 02/05/2023 19:03

We're all here and we care.
If your daughter is great, then a good part of that must be down to you!!!
Your mum speaking like that about you is a good part of the root of your problem, but it's not true, it really is not true.
Sounds like you need to go get your girl and bring her home. Nothing else needed for today, other than perhaps eat something and drink something, and rest.
Tomorrow is a new day, maybe a call to your gp, one day at a time life can and will get better.

CPParenttoDD1234 · 02/05/2023 19:04

Hey sweetheart. It sounds like today things are terrible for you. But imagine your beautiful daughter never having a mummy and you are so proud of the person she is. She needs you to be proud of her as that gives her the push she needs to keep going and being so brilliant. Only a mum can unconditionally give her that. And you are her mum. Please please please call Samaritans. Talk it through with them. You are amazing and reaching out which is a sign of true strength. I am so proud and amazed at your for doing that. You have got this. Today is hard and tomorrow might be no better. But one day this will be another chapter in your book. The chapter where it got too much but you climbed the mountain to find the sun. One day the new chapter will be the sun you found. The happy days will come. Xxx

FishChipsMushyPeas · 02/05/2023 19:05

@CPParenttoDD1234 I'm in tears reading this.

You aren't alone op, you really aren't x

Original poster
Beachbreak2411 · 02/05/2023 19:06

Thank you all. Your kind words mean so much. I don’t have anyone being nice to me. My girl is awesome and needs someone who isn’t like me but I realise what you say she still needs her mummy.

OP posts:
Lilibert456 · 02/05/2023 19:11

Suicide: a permanent solution to a temporary problem. All things pass.

Coffeeandbourbons · 02/05/2023 19:11

her being a lovely kid can’t be down to chance can it? You’ve obviously done a great job, look at the end product. You’re just not able to see that right now.

MNHQ
FlissMumsnet · 02/05/2023 19:12

Hi Beachbreak2411, we're sorry to hear how hard things feel right now.

We hope you don't mind, but when any of our users are struglging we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

Some further support links:

NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
NHS: Looking after your mental health
MIND: Coping with mental health problems during coronavirus

CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably
NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts

We hope things look a lot brighter for you soon

Very best wishes from all MNHQ.

Flowers