I don’t want to be alive

[Bubblemonkey]

Just that.

I get married in 8 days & I don’t want to see it alive.

I have a cpn appointment tomorrow but it’s more for anxiety management than mood related stuff.

I’m at a loss.

Samaritans - the number to call is 116 123

Have you managed to get through to crisis OP? How are you getting on?

Cuddle that beautiful baby of yours and remember that she needs you. She needs you to stay with her and protect her snd look after her

OK so let's focus on days when you haven't felt like this....

When you were proposed to, what did you feel,

when your child was born how did it feel?

When you tried on your wedding dress how did you feel?

Is this frame of mind common for you with BPD?

I have PTSD so have "black" days.... I remind myself of the better days and remind myself this feeling will pass...... Its maybe not the same but I hope it helps

OK so just read about your meds.... I think this is the issue.... Possibly. Anti ds take about 6 weeks and you often reach rock bottom before you start coming up, I'm hoping they are compatible with your antipsychotic meds??

I am a samaritan about to head out for a night shift. Myself and fellow samaritans are there all night to talk to people feeling exactly as you do now. We don't give advice, tell you what you can and can't do or tell you to think about your little girl or your family or friends but what we will do is listen to and focus on you, your worries and anxieties and help you to explore your own feelings. Please reach out , there is someone at the end of the phone who wants to listen.

I’m on hold to crisis now

Hi bubblemonkey,

I work in mental health. When you speak to the crisis team please be completely honest about your plan. All of the details, the when, and the how. Please be honest with someone you trust.

Please remember just because you have a plan does not mean it needs to be acted on. Just because you are having thoughts does not mean they need to be acted.

This feeling does not need to be final. Things could be very different in time with a few things in the right place.

There is hope. There is always hope.

I’m not sure what crisis team do. They told me to put my head in cold water when i was feeling suicidal.
I hope you get all the help you need.

They told me to go to bed the other night when I said I didn’t want to be alive but didn’t have any plans.

But you do actually have a plan.
@mice thanks to you and all Samaritans. OP calling them is another option.

I really think you should tell your partner, especially if your on hold to crisis and he’s in the house.

Sorry to sound blunt . I’ve got severe mental illness myself and am under CMHT and I get it. I really do. And it’s fucking shit.

But you are absolutely doing the right thing calling them but you have a hand too to hold as well as ours in that of your partner.

Deep breaths and just focus on getting through the next five minutes and then the five minutes after that. And so on.

You are in my thoughts and a giant hand hold here from me too. 💕💐

Really hope you took the excellent advice above and you are ok xx

Hang in there, my dd is 3 months and I have really bad pnd. I know it's shit but I also know it will get better, your dd needs you and that is your purpose/reason for being here. You are important and you will get through this ❤

Op, been thinking of you. Hope you're OK and got the help you deserve

I spoke to crisis during the early hours who said to keep my cpn appt. Cpn asked if I had any plans & I denied all. Why am I like this 😶on the plus side, I got home from my appointment without doing a drug sweep?

Well done for getting home without drugs.
It is difficult to admit in rl that you have a plan and how desperate you are.
Can someone go with you and advocate for you or write it down and read it out? Or you could pass the note to the person, even just show them this thread and what you have written.
There is so much good advice and personal experience of people who have got through, as can you, on this thread, please look at them especially about calling the Samaritans 116 123.
Keep the appointment and don't give up hope.
You can get through this.

make not keep

My perinatal worker is coming round at 4 today.

Could you write down something about how you are and having feeling (and about the 'plans') before your appointment?

It is really difficult to speak about not coping. I think it is normal to have this in-built need to cover our vulnerability in stress situations. It might be easier to be honest on paper when you are not facing someone directly.

have been feeling

I’ve spoke to her on the phone this afternoon so she’s got a good idea of what’s going on thankfully.

Well done Bubblemonkey - that is courage.

So my worker asked if I’d consider a mother & baby unit, which is impossible for various reasons. Got asked if I’m hearing or seeing stuff which doesn’t exist, I keep seeing shadows but hadnt thought much of it.

My workers gonna speak to their psychiatrist & see if we can get an earlier appt than my one with cmht.

How are you lovely?