Feeling suicidal

[Song6]

I’ve got cptsd from my childhood and I’m feeling suicidal. I’ve got 2 children which is stopping me from doing anything but I feel awful all the time but I just want to to stop. I just want to feel ok but feel so lonely. My husband didn’t understand and he has his own mental health problems so he can’t see how much he’s struggling.
I don’t know where to up from here as for the past 20 years I’ve gone from feeling ok and managing to feeling awful and not being able to cope to have no one else to turn to. I have a stressful job in the nhs but can’t take time off as I’m bank, and I don’t know what to do as a really want to die.
I feel like everyone would be better off without me, and I’m letting my children down

We're hear to listen.

Oh honey, your family won't be better off without you. Please phone the Samaritans, just for someone to talk to this evening. And there will be lots of people here to listen to you and help if they can x

I'm here and listening. I have cpstd too and have felt suicidal in the past the samaritans were my saviour in those moments.

You are so precious and valued - as a nurse, as a mother, as you. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way.

Have you found HAVOCA? www.havoca.org

They have a forum full of lovely people including a board where you can be completely honest about suicidal feelings.

And Pete Walker’s website might help - especially his steps to managing emotional flashbacks - www.pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm

What happened when you were a child (you don't have to say) and what treatment have you had?

I have bipolar and am currently in a period of low mood, so I understand the misery of suicidal ideation (in fact I posted on here last night) and the horrible loneliness too. Please feel free to pm me if you want to offload, or post on here. I wish I could sit with you and just make you feel a bit less alone.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website
or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Some further support links:

NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
NHS: Looking after your mental health
MIND: Coping with mental health problems during coronavirus

CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably
NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts

Very best wishes from MNHQ.

Your family love you, they are not better off without you and you mean the world to your children, so you’re definitely not letting them down.
Have you spoken to a doctor? I’d also recommend speaking to the Samaritans.
lots of us here to listen! ❤️

I don’t feel up to talking to a stranger on the phone but I just want to feel like someone cares about me.
Sometimes I wish someone would just tell me it’s all going to be ok, because sometimes it feels like it is but then but then I just end up in the same place and it feels so never ending and lonely.

Your children love and need you and they need you to stay alive
You matter so much OP
I care

please access help via the resources on here and/or via your GP

Im so sorry you are feeling so bad. My friends mum committed suicide, I can assure you your children really really really won't be better off without you. Their lifes would be ruined and they'd miss you forever. School proms, first boyfriend/girlfriend problem, graduation, first day of jobs, weddings, new babies will always just leave them aching for their mum and wishing you were there. Please stay for them ❤ what help are you getting, are you on any medication? Please reach out to the Samaritans or ever someone on here if you need to talk one to one. You aren't alone, you are so so worthy and needed here on earth.

This may sound glib, but I care. I'm sure you are a good person who has positive impact on others around you.

Have you got anything planned at the weekend, if you're not working?

You're going to think I'm weird and that what I'm saying isn't true, BUT I care about you. Geninunely. I am sending a prayer up for you. I know how you feel I've been there. Things will can get better. Please, please believe that. It seems so absolutely impossible but that's your mind tricking you. I genuinely care and if you want to message please do. Sending you so much love.

I'm here still listening, I felt the same about ringing the samaritans, talking to a complete stranger wasn't something I was comfortable doing, but it did help me at that moment.

Sometimes people find it easier talking to strangers. You’re doing so well in opening up and talking to all of us, you could try phone Samaritans and see how you get on?
please contact your gp though and speak to them about how you’re feeling!

You matter. A lot. Your kids love you. They need you. This situation WILL get better but you must seek help in order for it to get better. The fact you have no desire to live but have kept on for your kids shows what a wonderful person you are. Keep going OP. You are so much stronger than you think. I absolutely promise you it will get better.

I care, and I can empathise with how you’re feeling. But please no, no matter how hard things feel and how bleak they can seem, your children love you and need you, and absolutely aren’t better off without you.

I totally understand that things feel dreadful right now, but is there anything, even tiny, that you can do to make things feel a little better or brighter in the next few days? A nice meal? A movie with the kids? A bath and a book? Try and find these tiny glimmers to help see you through. And please, talk to your Gp - there may be things to help. Sending love. You’re not alone.

So sorry to hear that!
It's tough but keep your children in your head. How would they feel not having a mum. This has got me through some darks days when I think what's the point! Easier said than done. It keep fighting ... for them!

Can you send update your thread op? I'm worried about you. Just say something so we know your there reading it xx

I’ve tried to get help for so long but my gp just tells me to self refer for online counselling when I prefer to see someone face to face. I know it gets better but I feel better for a bit and then I feel awful again which makes me feel hopeless.
I’m off for a week but I’m a weird way when I’m at work it distracts me and it’s the only place I feel appreciated.
life just feels really unfair and I feel like I always have to try so hard to feel ok all the time but when I don’t feel ok there’s no one there for me.

You say that you feel like everyone would be better off without you...
No that's how YOU feel, that you would be better off with you(r pain emptiness loneliness etc).
Your children need you - you say it yourself- you're holding on FOR them.

Please speak to someone who knows what to say and get you through this.

You're one of us - warm body, beating heart, memories, feelings, worries, fears - you're human. You matter. You are matter. If anything just put your hand around your wrist and feel your beating pulse.

Why do you feel lonely?

I feel like no one cares how bad I feel and I have no one to talk to who understands when I’m feeling this bad

I'm always better when I'm working less time to ruminate. Give me a week off work and my mental health suffers. I was off today, went for a very long walk in the pouring rain sound crazy but it helps me. What do you do when you're not working?

@WishingWell5 lovely words.

@Song6 look at all these people here now, we all care, we are listening to you and won't judge whatever you want to say.

Life is so busy as a mum, and it's easy to not find time to self care. Any other adults around you are probably busy too. It's not that they don't care. Do you think there's anyone in real life if you could open up to and explain the way your feeling?

I do rock climbing and I like to make my own clothes but recently I feel so bad about myself it just feels pointless