Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Feeling suicidal

67 replies

Song6 · 17/11/2022 22:05

I’ve got cptsd from my childhood and I’m feeling suicidal. I’ve got 2 children which is stopping me from doing anything but I feel awful all the time but I just want to to stop. I just want to feel ok but feel so lonely. My husband didn’t understand and he has his own mental health problems so he can’t see how much he’s struggling.
I don’t know where to up from here as for the past 20 years I’ve gone from feeling ok and managing to feeling awful and not being able to cope to have no one else to turn to. I have a stressful job in the nhs but can’t take time off as I’m bank, and I don’t know what to do as a really want to die.
I feel like everyone would be better off without me, and I’m letting my children down

OP posts:

helpyhelperton · 17/11/2022 23:49

Enjoy your program - get some sleep and check back in with us in the morning.

Fwiw - I think it WILL be ok. Take deep breaths and don't put any pressure on yourself - just take one step at at time. 💐

IfOnlyOCould · 17/11/2022 23:51

I'm so sorry you are feeling so low OP. I know it's really difficult but it's worth persevering with trying to get help. Even if it's not helped much in the past it may help in the future. Have you had all the standard health things checked? There are some 'fixable' causes of mental health issues.

I hope you have a good nights sleep and that tomorrow is a better day. ♥️♥️♥️

Gazelda · 18/11/2022 07:52

I hope you got a restful sleep OP. And that today is a better day. We're still here to chat anytime.

Rarrrarrrarrbumdiay · 18/11/2022 08:16

Hope you had some sleep and feeling bit better today

Eyesopenwideawake · 18/11/2022 08:49

Song6 · 17/11/2022 22:57

My stepdad was abusive towards me and I realised a few weeks ago that I get emotional flashbacks to that time. If anything bad happens or I fall out with someone the logical part of me is drowned out by the voice telling me that I’m worthless, stupid, ugly and horrible and everyone would be better off without me.
i don’t think anyone can truly understand unless they’ve been through that.
I feel like I’m programmed to always feel this way and no matter how hard I try to be positive and move on, they’re mmm more will always be that negative voice in my head that makes me revert back to feeling that way

OK. So what's happened here (which, sadly, is not uncommon) is that the abuse set up triggers in your subconscious to steer you away from danger - anything bad happening - by giving you these messages which you absorbed in childhood due to the abuse.

At that time you didn't have the power, the authority or the language to stop what your stepfather did to you so a core belief developed that you were worthless, etc. This became a truth for you because your conscious mind - which would have realised that it was in no way your fault - doesn't develop until later (around 9/10 years old).

Now, when you feel threatened, this comes back and prevents you handling difficult situations by reverting to that powerless child.

Here's a couple of videos and which explain negative core beliefs and childhood abuse in more detail.

Eyesopenwideawake · 18/11/2022 08:49

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 18/11/2022 13:04

Hi @Song6 How are you doing today? You've not been far my thoughts since last night.

Did you enjoy your Killing Eve viewing?

helpyhelperton · 18/11/2022 18:32

How are you doing @Song6?

Always4Brenner · 18/11/2022 18:33

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 17/11/2022 22:07

We're hear to listen.

Hugs I’ll read the whole thread and come back you handhold.

Suzi888 · 18/11/2022 18:37

You sound pretty amazing to me, you have children who love you, a rewarding (but I imagine emotionally draining) job. You are far from worthless.💐

Always4Brenner · 18/11/2022 18:37

Song6 · 17/11/2022 22:28

I’ve tried to get help for so long but my gp just tells me to self refer for online counselling when I prefer to see someone face to face. I know it gets better but I feel better for a bit and then I feel awful again which makes me feel hopeless.
I’m off for a week but I’m a weird way when I’m at work it distracts me and it’s the only place I feel appreciated.
life just feels really unfair and I feel like I always have to try so hard to feel ok all the time but when I don’t feel ok there’s no one there for me.

We are all here you are a wonderful mum your loved remember that, take it slowly and a bit at a time. 🙏🏼❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️💐💐💐💐💐

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 18/11/2022 22:23

Hope you are ok. Can you pop a quick post on tonight @Song6

onedayiwillflyaway1 · 18/11/2022 22:47

Hi OP, hope you're feeling better today. These feelings can overwhelm you quickly and pass overnight , I'm hoping this is the case. Reach out if you ever need to.

Peanutcookiecup · 19/11/2022 00:08

Hope today has been ok OP. I was thinking about you tonight and sending you imaginary strength and hope you have seen just a glimpse of how much you matter even to people you have never met.

it won’t always be so hard even if it feels relentless. Keep banging on the doors of the services who are there to help. Keep trying and searching for the answer.

take care

eleanorfalling · 19/11/2022 21:38

Hi OP just checking in x

NeAskw12 · 23/11/2022 03:26

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 23/11/2022 12:24

Hi @Song6 how are you doing?

Flip

1 2 3