Feeling suicidal

[Song6]

I’ve got cptsd from my childhood and I’m feeling suicidal. I’ve got 2 children which is stopping me from doing anything but I feel awful all the time but I just want to to stop. I just want to feel ok but feel so lonely. My husband didn’t understand and he has his own mental health problems so he can’t see how much he’s struggling.
I don’t know where to up from here as for the past 20 years I’ve gone from feeling ok and managing to feeling awful and not being able to cope to have no one else to turn to. I have a stressful job in the nhs but can’t take time off as I’m bank, and I don’t know what to do as a really want to die.
I feel like everyone would be better off without me, and I’m letting my children down

If you are pointless, do you think we are all pointless? Because I feel that you and I and everyone on this thread are just people... little us with our own feelings and thoughts and wants and worries ...

Why do do you feel bad about yourself?

I like making my own clothes too takes me ages to finish them though. Rock climbing I would love to do but I'm not brave enough.

On your week off could you treat yourself to some new fabrics and make some new items? Book into a rock climbing centre and have an afternoon out!
It annoys me so much that some gps fob people off and tell them to self refer.
please contact them again and say you need to speak to someone! Sadly my friend kept getting this silly response from her gp so she fibbed that she had an uti so when she finally got seen she could fully explain herself to her gp.

Was there a time in your life when you felt like this, eg childhood with your parents? It might be that this is an emotional flashback to an earlier time, when actually you are safe and supported right now?

Btw your feelings are totally valid and true. I’m just saying that they might not be of this present time.

True.

you are so strong and resilient. You may not feel it this moment and you may not feel like you want to keep on being strong, but you are stronger than you realise and you are going to get through this. You have gone through so much, you're going to figure out a way to get better and heal from the trauma. There is a way, there is always a way.

This is a really good point with cptsd it hits you like a tsunami out of nowhere. It is truly horrible, one minute you are fine then bam.

Please hang in there OP. It will feel better at some point in the future and you might not recognise these feelings you have today. That’s not to dismiss how you feel now. I’ve been there. And it’s just impossible to see a way out of the pit. But don’t do it to your kids. You can do this, because you have been doing. You’re strong and you do matter.

second the Samaritans - they just listen without judgement. There are always kind people who will hold your hand when it’s dark. Reach out for them. Take care x

My stepdad was abusive towards me and I realised a few weeks ago that I get emotional flashbacks to that time. If anything bad happens or I fall out with someone the logical part of me is drowned out by the voice telling me that I’m worthless, stupid, ugly and horrible and everyone would be better off without me.
i don’t think anyone can truly understand unless they’ve been through that.
I feel like I’m programmed to always feel this way and no matter how hard I try to be positive and move on, they’re mmm more will always be that negative voice in my head that makes me revert back to feeling that way

Having seen the aftermath of suicide, I can assure you, whatever you're thinking isn't actually the reality. You are both loved and needed and would leave a huge hole in your children's lives. Your mind is deceiving you.

Can you make an emergency gp appointment tomorrow? Do you have a friend or relative who can advocate for you? Insist on medication or a change of medication if you already have a prescription? You really need to push sometimes and if you aren't up to it, might be useful to have someone bolshy with you.

You can also Google "Crisis Resolution and Home Treatment Team (CRHTT) + your area" and they might be able to offer alternative advise or support. They operate slightly differently by area but should have a 24hr phone line.

Have you tried calling 111? They might be able to direct you to alternative resources.

FYI if you don't feel like talking: You can text "SHOUT" to 85258 for free from all major UK mobile networks. You'll then be connected to a volunteer for an anonymous conversation by text message. This is not an NHS service. This free, confidential, 24/7 text messaging mental health support service is run by a charity called Mental Health Innovations.

If you feel up to it maybe give Samaritans a try. You can always end the call if it's not helping.

In the meantime, can you distract yourself with something menial or mundane? Cleaning the kitchen? Take the bins out? Reading one of the kids story books? Watching dodgy home haircuts on YouTube (Brad Mondo)?

I doubt it's that the people around you don't care. They probably don't understand though. Sorry you're feeling shitty

You matter- you’ve got to put your big girl pants on and face this head on. For your babies- who need you. Ignore the sad thoughts and make a plan for tomorrow- a plan to turn your life around and how you feel: happiness is out there- ring the gp and tell them you need an urgent chat- explain how you feel.
ring a friend: family member who you know you feel comfortable talking to.
Put yourself first/ you have a week off to pamper yourself, start running/ get outdoors/ binge Netflix series/ do anything you want. See your babies. Do you remember the feeling and excitement of making plans and what you have always wanted to do? Create a mood board- pictures of places you want to go, foods you want to try, things you want to see.
the only way from rock bottom is up —you can do this,

Can you afford to pay for a few private counselling and/or CBT sessions?

You might be able to come up with some coping strategies or ways to reframe your thoughts?

Op you sound great.

I’m not a climber because I am pathetic about heights but I love a trail/fell run - mountains are magic.

Do you want to talk dressmaking? I’m currently having a fight with the bias yoke seams on this blouse www.fibremood.com/en/patterns/694-ermine-blouse and trying to find out where my 5 year old has hidden the good pins. Lots of sales on in fabric shops at the mo - fab works mill have money off some lovely stuff.

And I echo what others have said about your kids needing you. The world needs you. There are plenty of people who are not necessarily bringing anything excellent to the world, but I really think the world needs more healthcare professionals who are creative and caring and adventurous despite the fuckery life chucks at you, not less. Hang in there. Xx

I’m so sorry.
in my darkest moments I’ve found solace here, it is anonymous yet not, I can’t really describe it.

Song6 i am so sorry to hear that about your stepfather. It’s pretty impressive to have worked that out though and be able to say it out loud. You do really need help to be able to move forward. But help helps, honestly. It is possible to feel differnet. I have PTSD from my teenage years and it took me so long to even work that out. And the therapy is helping. Do go back to the GP and say you can’t self refer and need more help. Or is there a route to therapy through your work? Your EAP or occupational health might be able to help? It’s confidential too (tbh I have had mixed experience but it’s worth a try - once it was great).

Op I hope you get some rest tonight, we may all be strangers but we all care. I will check back tomorrow.

Thank you for all your kind words. It means a lot

I care too. I've read your posts and I'm worried about you.

What happened to you was not your fault, nor was it a reflection of you or anything you had a say in. It was the actions of a nasty person and you were the target. It is ALL THEIR fault. I know this is true without knowing the details because they took advantage of their position and you were a child. You were and are Completely innocent and blameless.

You are not the things your head is telling you. Heck, by dint of the fact you are talking on here and being sympathetic to your dh's needs and recognising that your kids need you makes you a good person, a worthy person and valuable.

Keep talking to us on here but do make another appt with your GP, see a different one if you feel you're not getting help.

Everyday seems like an uphill battle but just take it 5 minutes to an hour at a time.

I can't sleep so will look out for your posts.

I understand how you feel op. I had abusive parents. Sounds silly but I retrained my brain and although I'm.not fully recovered I am better. Work in progress.... everytime you hear your step fathers words, say outloud or in your head the exact opposite of it. Sounds silly but eventually you will start to believe it, you fake it till you make it. You are none of these things he said to you. Words matter and you can start by telling yourself the truth and drowning out his awful voice and hurtful false words.
You ARE worthy.
YOU ARE WORTHY.
YOU ARE SO, SO WORTHY.
Keep posting. Will check in tomorrow. Xxx

Thank you so much, I’m feeling a bit better so I’m going to watch killing eve and hopefully fall asleep soon. I feel alone but posting tonight has made me feel a bit better. I know it’s one day at a time but sometimes it feels too much. I do hope that one day I’ll get through it and won’t have what happened to me controlling how I feel all the time

I’ve been there. I understand. There is absolutely a way through to healing. I know because I’ve walked that path. I very, very rarely have suicidal thoughts anymore! And when I do, I know what’s going on and how to get through it.

It’s great you’ve noticed some patterns in your thinking and clues to when you’re in emotional flashback. That’s huge! It’s the hardest step to realise that you’re having a flashback when you’re in the middle of one. You’ll get quicker at spotting them and bringing yourself back to the present. There is lots of hope for recovery.

Cross posted - so glad you’re feeling a bit better now. Keep posting whenever you want as you can see there are loads of people here who care about you 💗

It's great you're feeling a bit better on the back of the supportive posters on this thread. If you still feel like this tomorrow, come back, because people will still be here for you.