I've reached my limit emotionally, sitting here with a box of cocodamol I've kept as almost a get out out of jail card. I'm off work for the week with (hopefully) a self correcting ectopic pregnancy after ivf. I feel so alone and angry, embarrassed a whole mix of emotions about my life. Last summer I was pregnant but at 16 weeks had an abortion as the baby had downs syndrome. I also have a nearly 4 yr old DS with GDD and ASD who is non verbal. I sit here and think, how did my life turn to absolute shit? I'm a bad mother as I have days where I don't even want to engage with my DS as Im so exhausted and down. I know I'm selfish and cowardly.. I just can't take this pain at 38 knowing I will never have a healthy child..ivf is financially draining and emotionally torturous. I've asked to go on anti depressants although I'm scared it would cause defects in a pregnancy. I've done ivf with a sperm donor for fear that DH autism will carry to another child. Is it worth all this pain? Do I keep going and risk my mental health? Or make do with a life of looking after my disabled DS? I constantly feel angry, sad and bitter about my life. Then I start to think, well maybe this all happened to me bc I AM a bad person. I didn't take the pills..too pathetic and scared of surviving. I'm so lonely, is there anyone out there who has a story like me and ve through? Is ivf at my age even worth it? I suppose I'm looking for hope and support. My friends all have healthy, happy families and I find it painful to even be around that. Over the last couple of years I've switched off socially and emotionally. I no longer go on any social media for self preservation. I hate being this person but I feel like I shut down a long time ago. I realise how pathetic I sound. I just need some support.