I hate my baby

[Secondchildregret]

Honestly about to refer myself to SS because I really want to hurt my baby.. I’m at my white end and I don’t know what the fuck to do.

10.30 I finally get to sleep, ds1 wakes up coughing at 11:15 wakes the house up, then ds2 wakes up at 12:00 whining crying screaming shouting wimpering - nothing settles him he’s really ruining my life. Wel it is ruined. My brain aches every single day. It’s 2 am and I have to be up for work in 4 hours and function in normal society.

literally not one family member has them overnight there’s no option for anything else. I hate the affect he has had on my life. One year in and I get ~3.5 hours a night broke sleep. I FUCKING HATE MY CHILD it’s been like this for a YEAR.

12 times I’ve been up and down trying to settle in the last 2 hours, he goes quiet and then whimpers off screams again.

it’s never ending.
people don’t understand the severity when I say I’m tired, this is torture, absolute torture

yes we’ve seen doctors and they say he’s fine. Someone needs to take this child away from me

Oh darling I’m so sorry. Please phone your GP. When it gets too much just go and stand outside a room after putting baby down safely. It won’t do him any harm to have a whinge for 2-3 minutes.

I’ve been there, it’s fucking hell on earth. I know it’s not ideal but do you think he’d sleep better in your room with you?

please please speak to a doctor about how you feel, it’s okay to struggle and you’ve done well to speak out about your feelings. Sending you so much love.

Is there another adult in the household?

Is it any better if you co sleep?

I really feel for you, it really is hellish.

What is the gp going to do… they can’t make my child sleep

There is another adult in the house, he gets kept up too. He’s tried sleeping downstairs because the walls are so thin it doesn’t matter everyone’s up. We can’t escape this baby the screaming and crying. Can’t afford a hotel.

What if you take the baby in and co sleep?

Could you go to a family member’s house and have a night of unbroken sleep?

Evrn if you kip on the sofa?

You sound absolutely past yourself, you poor thing.

This is awful for you right now and you cannot possibly think straight while you are this tired. It's dangerous for everyone while it lasts. I know people get scared when your feelings are so overwhelmingly negative, but I've been there and I know it can be completely awful and also that it will pass. Can you hang on in there for just 5 minutes more? And repeat. Sounds trite, but find a mantra that works for you. At different times I've found these successful at dragging me through: "What would robot mummy do?", "You can, you can, you can, you can...". I also found breathing exercises worked, and counting to 20 on repeat. Sleep deprivation is a killer. Do get to a Dr for yourself. Please.

I'm guessing this is a list of questions you've already considered, but just in case...
Have you investigate any dietary reasons for his constant unhappiness?
Have you tried co-sleeping?
Have you told family you are desperate for help?
Will work be sympathetic to you taking 1 or 2 sick days?

He doesn’t like co sleeping; that is what is so confusing. He self settles to sleep every night and nap. Must be alone. Has milk pops dummy in and bosh he drifts on himself after shuffling around. THEN the night hits and he’s up screaming, crying wining wimpering coughing repeatedly every night what feels like all night but there are big gaps of like an hour or two.

Not really any family to stay over at the moment.y grandparents are ill his are dead, my only parent I speak to keeps letting us down for breaks (says he will then doesn’t turn up or forgets he said he’d have them overnight and goes out drinking instead) partners parents have them so we can work but won’t any other time. Like it’s chronic

The Dr can do irritatingly little about your physical circumstances. A prescription for something to help you cope with the anxiety of sleep deprivation might work out well. SSRIs saved my life. Don't hold back on how has it's been, or hide the tears.

Daft idea really, but is there a car you could take turns to sleep in? Or at your in-laws?

Ooo yes we do have cars
that might be a plan. Partners is an suv so seats down that is quite big too.

there is definitely anxiety in the evening not wanting to go to sleep because you don’t know if you’ll get ten minutes or two hours and whether it’s be a scream a cry or a cough waking us up. Do ssris improve sleep quality ?

Right.

Ring in sick. Because you are.

Let DP’s parents have the kids. They don’t need to know.

Get some sleep. It’s a priority.

But, would you feel ok letting DP fly solo one night while you stay over at a friend’s/his parents’ place? If you do the same for him?

Getting some sleep is your first priority. You can decide how to move forward once you feel a bit better.

How old is he? If he's over 6 months then honestly, sleep train. I will get flamed on here for this but it worked for us within two nights, my lo went from waking every 45-60 mins to sleeping long stretches of 4-5 hours.

We did sort of a combo of Ferber and pick up/put down. She's a happy, affectionate baby and it's not done her any harm, and tbh it sounds like your little one is at more risk of harm now with your current state of mind than if you sleep trained. Please give it a go. It's hell for 2 nights but then blissful afterwards.

Thank you for your posts I ma reading them.
he’s asleep
now and I’m upset for even feeling like that.
it’s just so insanely difficult and I feel trapped.
We have done so many investigations since tiny, he was a screamer from the second he was born that was the darkest time of our lives. Even worse than Now because he’s happy learning things and toddling about in the daytime

Stop feeling guilty. You’re desperate.

You’re a good mum - your love for your son is obvious.

Pop your phone down now, and grab some precious kip.

I had a brother who was a screamer. Almost every waking minute. I wasn't even 2, but I have an odd kind of memory sense of wanting to block him out completely. Hug your eldest plenty!

SSRIs may not directly improve sleep quality (I am no expert!), but mine did dull the intensity of those racing and plummeting thoughts, when I was so desperate to sleep that I couldn't let go.

To add to the above advice, you say he self settles then wakes at night with coughing and simpering?

Has he been checked for asthma? These are classic symptoms and will be causing him to feel unwell.

Sorry to hear how tough it is for you. A sound machine might help both with the little ones sleep but also if you put one in your other childs room it can disguise the noise outside their room so not to disturb them. Ours are on continuous loop.

I'm assuming he has been assessed for silent reflux but I'll throw it out there just in case as my friend went through undiagnosed reflux with her child and it was terrible for her.

What about a pair of ear plugs each and taking turns each night to see to baby/get some sleep?

SSRI'S don't help with sleep but they do (if they work well for you) give you a better ability to cope with how you are feeling at the moment.

You have been very brave reaching out, the first step is the hardest. If you can talk to your GP and get it across how desperate you are there may be services they can connect you to that they haven't done so yet.

I second this! I had the same with my DS, he woke 10+ times a night until he was 8 months old. I was miserable and beyond exhausted. Also zero family help.
We did the Ferber method of sleep training. We had 2-3 tough nights but then within a week he slept through and has done since. I then become a normal functioning, happy mum again.
Also, second others who say call in sick and get someone to help if you can during the day so you can rest.

Sleep train. You're already dealing with the worst bits of it. I told my babies, if you're going to cry with or without me, you're going to learn to self-soothe. ALL of them have been happier, better rested children after sleep training. Are there still occasional difficult nights? Yes, occasional -- but only that.

All of mine have been like your baby. Not interested in cosleeping, needing to be alone. Let. The baby. Cry. For 15 minutes at a time. Get foam earplugs and those gun range earmuff style hearing protectors. Ignore the everloving shit out of him.

Oh, I can hear the posters here already, claiming I'm torturing the children, but I promise you wouldn't think any of them are torture victims if you met them in person. Two of my four are in fact very happy about going to bed, but never were before sleep training. Before I actually had my babies I thought I'd be an extended cosleeping parent. That was not what they were going to tolerate. This baby isn't the kind that just wants snuggles. He's going to need to learn to chill out. I've sleep trained as young as 3-4 months and the sign of readiness I look for is whether they seem to be crying over and over to get you back to "play." Fuck that! Once they do that, they get a pacifier and a lovey and are left to figure it out for themselves.

All four turned into champion sleepers and they all love everyone, none of them seem sad or isolated or lonely or over-clingy. All the horror stories the crunchy parents swore would happen? Never happened. Your sanity matters. Your baby will live through sleep training and may very well thrive. Your relationship with your child matters, and right now, hearing protection (for you and your older child, perhaps, to help them sleep through?) and sleep training will make that relationship better, not worse.

White noise machine? Is he losing his dummy? Can you get a night nurse very short term?

I don’t have children of my own, but my niece was a terrible sleeper as a baby, turned out to be reflux. You can buy these wedge type things (sorry I don’t know what they are called) to slightly tilt the mattress to stop the acid coming up. Might be worth a try? I only wonder this as she had the coughing thing too, and it was the reflux causing that. After that was solved my brother and his partner then sleep trained her to get her into a routine.

Oh, this must be so hard for you, hang in there. Call in sick for work. No ifs or buts. Get some daytime sleep. There's a reason sleep deprivation is used as torture.

Pink noise machine may help. Lots of dummies in cot, I can't remember seeing if your lo has one.

I have to agree with another poster. Sleep train your lo, you have been to gp and they have stated lo is not unwell, so sleep training sounds the way to go. Look up control crying, stick with it and go for it. Stick with it for every wake up, don't give up. One week maximum and it will be done.

Handhold OP, I have been there, absolutely exhausting, do whatever you need to, to get through it, and you will.

My DS2 was exactly how you have described your son, so I can empathise completely.

We were lucky my late MIL was an absolute angel, and looked after DS2 all night, one night a week for us, made us go out for dinner to have time as a couple, I used to feel guilty and say but he’s screaming, MIL said DS2 will scream whether you are here or not Rose, get away from it for a while. MIL saved our sanity and probably our marriage.

On other nights DH and I used to tag team, I would go to bed at 7pm, sleep, DH would be downstairs with screaming son, once he got him to sleep, about midnight DH would come to bed and I would get up when DS2 woke again. It’s hard as you don’t get to spend the evening with your partner, but we both needed to sleep so badly.

The only way I could describe it, is like being on a constant treadmill, and every morning I would think, oh no, another day. My DS2 did improve a lot after 7.5mths, but he still got in our bed every night without fail until he was 4!

MIL was very experienced with babies, she said she had never known another baby like DS2. I was considering a third before he was born, as DS1 was such a contented baby, but after DS2 a third was out of the question, no way on earth.

Good luck OP, sending hugs.