Does anyone else just fake it all the time?

[Fakingitallthetime]

I'm so deeply depressed and have been for most of my adult life after suffering from eating disorders for a decade (my eating is fine now). I have been on sertraline for a couple of short periods but never long term.

I am extremely successful at work, have lots of material things and a wonderful DC. But I think frequently about how much I would love to just not be here anymore. I'm still here because of my DC and my parents but not for me, if you see what I mean. Most people would think my life is perfect but I'm just faking it all the time. I just want to be alone and I feel completely disconnected from my partner and have let all my friendships slide away. I'm so lonely and have nobody to turn to. When I've tried, people just want to tell me how wonderful my life is and how much others would want it. Every now and again, the weight of faking feels too much (i can even fool myself sometimes) and I just plunge into a deep depression (but outwardly appear fine).

Does anyone else just live a complete lie all the time?

Have you tried therapy to find out the root cause of your problems? (Psychotherapy, not CBT)

Depression doesn't care about material wealth, it cares about happiness. What does a life without depression look like to you? What would be in it, what wouldn't be in it?

I think a lot of people do "fake it", in that they probably aren't has happy behind closed doors as they would want people to believe.

I have had some therapy but never really looked at the root cause. I find I have a tendency to minimise everything, even to the therapist... I also don't feel like I want to dig deep into my childhood. Not sure what that would achieve. Does that make sense?

I guess my gut feeling is that my depression is physiological. Some kind of chemical or hormonal imbalance. I'm in the child bearing phase of my life so feel a bit reluctant to medicate because of that but do feel like it might be my only option.

My husband constantly asks me how I could possibly be unhappy and just ignores me until I start faking again....

If the root cause of your problems are in your childhood then you need to look at your childhood.

Does depression run in the family? Genetics are a factor (but not guaranteed to happen) in about 20% of cases.

Everything about who you believe you are developed in childhood between the ages of 2/3 and 8-10. These are called core beliefs - have a look at this for a detailed description. Why don't you want to dig into your past (feel free not to say!).

Another cause of your unhappiness could very well be being with someone who "constantly asks me how I could possibly be unhappy and just ignores me until I start faking again"...

I guess I feel like I had a happy childhood and don't really want to start blaming my parents for things. There was no significant trauma. I know even if my parents did mess up, it wouldn't have been intentional so I kind of feel it would be more painful to blame them for something.

I agree on genetics. Weirdly some men in my family have issues around food, though none as bad as me. I've always just felt like I fell into the 'high achieving, perfectionist girl gets anorexia' box. I.e. nothing new to report here.

I can't decide whether my DHs stance is more because I just try to hide stuff from him so well that he doesn't see someone depressed.

@Eyesopenwideawake thank you for info on core beliefs. I suppose I do fall into constant negative comparison and feel deficient.

It's not about blaming parents - it's about finding out why you think about yourself the way you do. I'll give you an example. Imagine you went to your school sports day and came last in every race and overheard a parent saying "Fakingit is terrible at sport". You might very well form a core belief simply based on that day and that one statement but, crucially, missed the second half of the conversation which was "Fakingit is terrible at sport...today because she's recovering from flu". Does that make sense?

Oh and BTW, candy striped unicorns are more common than happy perfectionists 😊

Thank you for the link about core beliefs. Reading that page has helped me in a timely way today.

Oh and BTW, candy striped unicorns are more common than happy perfectionists. Ha indeed!

I spend all my time writing lists of the ways in which I could improve things/the steps I could take. I feel like my mind is so consumed with how to make things better, that I never enjoy anything and there is just a constant sense of failure.

Life long depression, perfectionist tendencies, anxiety and eating disorders are all symptoms of autism in females.

My son was diagnosed with autism and doing research on it has been eye opening for myself and members of my family. We now suspect there had been undiagnosed autism in my family going back three generations.

@Undermearmour yes but I have literally none of the other symptoms of autism. In fact, quite the opposite of most of them. I'm hugely invested in how others feel and quite perceptive to it..... Will do anything to remove any awkwardness/go out of my way to make others feel better to my own detriment. No obsessive interests etc. I don't think I fit the profile really. My ED was also just the standard start dieting and be really good at it route....

"I spend all my time writing lists of the ways in which I could improve things/the steps I could take."

How often do you write lists of the things you've achieved and the things you have already improved?

As a wild guess, are/were your family results orientated and valued success above all else?

@Eyesopenwideawake yes never but I do try to shift my thinking when I can. I know I have done a lot, especially whilst suffering through most of it.

In a way you are correct but also oddly i was never noticed at school. I did well but teachers didn't focus on me - I wasn't head girl or anything. Everyone was very surprised when I got the best results in the county.... even my parents and went on to the best uni in the country. I think they all felt a little uneasy that they had underestimated me!

Yes I've been faking it most of my life. I've had some traumas over the course of my life (I'm in my 50s now) that have deadened me inside. Whenever I tell someone I feel that way they always say they don't see it cause I still laugh and joke but they don't know that most of the time I'm faking it and forcing myself to react that way, when most of the time I'd rather just not have to.

It sounds like you are suffering from perfectionism - eating disorders are common with it too I think. Maybe all through school you weren't noticed and then when you came top you suddenly were - and the message was, if you want to be noticed you need to be the very best. On from then on you have convinced yourself that if you're not the very best/perfect, then you're a failure.

Can you get help to look into this, it's not necessarily anything anyone has done intentionally to you but you deserve to be happy and feel good about yourself.

@Sunnytwobridges Oh goodness, that is how I feel. If I am around other people then I am faking it. So tired. So depressed. Just waiting for each day to be over. Even big occasions and stuff that other people get excited about have little effect on me other than me making negative comparisons to other people. Most things are meaningless, and honestly? If someone told that I had little time left alive it would be a relief.
No one would guess that’s how I feel though. I’m always dressed well, make up on and actively engaged in something, but really I just want it over.

I’ve been on antidepressants for decades, had 7 years of psychotherapy, lots of contact with NHS psychiatry including one week in a locked ward and crisis team involvement. Nothing has really changed. My health worsening and taking I’ll health retirement has definitely made me feel worse though.

I think I understand something of what you feel OP and am truly sorry.

I feel like dogshit and never tell anybody anything

like you, I “have it all “

I had a very dysfunctional upbringing and have a lifelong hatred of conflict

I am not listened to
I eat my feelings and am 15 stone
I am not allowed any feelings by anybody - they just don’t want to engage with me standing up for myself or voicing my feelings when I am wronged because it’s wrong to make a scene
I feel utterly utterly suffocated

I am assuming this is something similar for you? Having a dismissive partner really hurts so much.

@IrisAtwood this is exactly how I feel. I’m not scared of dying. I just get through each day. Some are better than others. I strongly suspect I have adhd. I definitely fake it and pretend to be normal round friends which I find exhausting.

I'm curious to know where the 2-3, 8-10 age ranges are from?
I suspect the first hours, days, weeks, months are where your core beliefs are formed.

@FLOWER1982 You are right - it is exhausting. It’s like managing other peoples’ feelings at the same time as dealing with our own.
Like so many in this thread grew up in a dysfunctional family, not listened to, feelings denied.
I don’t know whether faking it makes it worse? But then when I have actually broken down I’ve not found very much help either, and fear of being readmitted keeps me faking.
I don’t know what the answer is, or if there is an answer, but it helps to know that we’re not alone - even if we wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
Henry David Thoreau wrote about the ‘mass of men living lives of quiet desperation.’ So I guess it’s relatively common?

Yes to all these comments. I'm shocked that when I have asked for help, I haven't really got it. Just 'I'm here if you need me' or dismissal. So you spend your life suppressing your feelings because you don't want to ruin anyone else's day or be a burden.

I'm never sure if I want to divorce my husband because he's not supportive or if I want to divorce him because I don't want to burden him with supporting me. I know I am secretive and probably don't articulate what I need very well.

I'm curious to know where the 2-3, 8-10 age ranges are from?
I suspect the first hours, days, weeks, months are where your core beliefs are formed.

I'm happy to be corrected but I don't think a newborn to months old child has much comprehension of anything other than their own needs - food, warmth, sleep and play. They certainly don't have any self awareness or insights into where they fit in the world.