Does anyone else just fake it all the time?

[Fakingitallthetime]

I'm so deeply depressed and have been for most of my adult life after suffering from eating disorders for a decade (my eating is fine now). I have been on sertraline for a couple of short periods but never long term.

I am extremely successful at work, have lots of material things and a wonderful DC. But I think frequently about how much I would love to just not be here anymore. I'm still here because of my DC and my parents but not for me, if you see what I mean. Most people would think my life is perfect but I'm just faking it all the time. I just want to be alone and I feel completely disconnected from my partner and have let all my friendships slide away. I'm so lonely and have nobody to turn to. When I've tried, people just want to tell me how wonderful my life is and how much others would want it. Every now and again, the weight of faking feels too much (i can even fool myself sometimes) and I just plunge into a deep depression (but outwardly appear fine).

Does anyone else just live a complete lie all the time?

I totally understand your post OP however I think therapy would be very useful. It sounds as if you are afraid to blame your parents- but sometimes parents do a really poor job at parenting.
Therapy is there to help you make better sense of life. Success for you seems to hinge on the 'right' things - but thats not what life is about. Ive felt like how you are but always became curious about why I felt like that and how I could accept or change it.

@IrisAtwood Yes I feel the exact same way. I’m just drifting thru life putting in a front. No one would know the difference cause I am constantly masking. My DD is grown and my senior dog has passed so I really don’t feel a need to be around anymore. I’m sorry you feel the same.

Thanks @ThisisMax . I'm curious, do you feel that understanding the reasons for your feelings helped you get over them?

I've been awake since 5 feeling sick. Early waking is a huge symptom of depression for me.

Are you on hormonal contraception by any chance? I felt how you describe on the pill. When I stopped it I was better almost immediately.

No, I'm not. I was on the pill years ago and agree it made me feel 'numb' the entire time. But now my hormonal ups and downs are horrendous.... cant win!

Lots of similarities here ,
ive had antidepressants and CBT and counselling,nothing worked .
2 of my children have diagnosis of autism
my doctor suggested I get assessed,I’m 50 ,and filled in the forms to be assessed..just waiting now
i know you said it doesn’t fit for you
but look at ..Samantha craft ,autism in women checklist …was an eye opener for me

Your faking could be masking ,and your downs could be shutdowns..
have another look at autism especially Samatha craft

If it helps I am exactly the same OP, except I'm not a perfectionist and thankfully my husband is supportive.

I wish I knew what the answer was. Its horrible and actively stops me reaching out to people. I also let my friendships slide and it makes me really sad and anxious.

@Summergirl5 wow that checklist is interesting. I don't relate to any of the more typical things you would expect- like memorising facts or having difficulty in social situations. I do relate to the extreme introversion elements and being too much inside my own head. Its difficult to think about whether that is a symptom or a cause if you see what I mean. It's also got much worse as I got older, I was more sociable as a teenager. I've also never had any difficulty making friends.

Did you get worse as you got older op
or did you become more aware ???????

More aware of what you find difficult,and more aware you find life hard

Yes, maybe - hard to separate the two I suppose. I'm just so tired of it all now. I guess I've just given up. Weirdly I have no eating issues at all now so perhaps the lack of that coping mechanism has made it worse.

It just goes to show that we can never judge how other people’s lives are, doesn’t it? Sorry you’re feeling like this OP. I don’t really know if I have anything helpful to add, just didn’t want to read and run. Life is difficult, I wonder how many people are truly happy with their lot, especially right now. I feel like the majority are in fact masking/faking it as well, because we are all just paddling for dear life beneath the surface. You admit yourself that you’re very private with your feelings and that you’ve shut friends out… I’m sure this also plays part in how you feel. You have to let people try to be there for you, at least giving it a go would make you feel like you’ve tried everything. ♥️

Goodness, it’s unfortunate that you are surrounded by people who don’t understand mental illness. It isn’t a choice and doesn’t go away because you are wealthy or comfortably off.
I wonder if you would consider a longer course of antidepressants to see if they can actually help you get on top of things? The minimum period is usually 6 months trial or longer, staying on them for several months after things seem improved.
This might give you enough of a little lift to be more consistent about activities for self care of low mood, a cycle of improvement.

This ^^

OP even if you don't fit all the other criteria, it is definitely something worth considering. 'Masking' aka 'faking it' is also a huge component, as is wanting to be alone.

In any case, you deserve help and support as this must be really hard for you, whatever the cause.

Go back to your GP, and see what help you can get 🌺🌺🌺

Thanks for your supportive words. I do agree a long course (lifelong?) of medication is probably needed.

I'm struggling at the moment to determine if my life is empty and lonely because I've pushed everyone away and made so. Or because I just don't have the mental space to live a normal, full life. I've forgotten what I used to like and nothing interests me anymore. Work, TV, glass of wine, bed. Everyday. Yesterday we were both at home all day and my husband spoke 2 sentences to me.

Can I ask more about the drive to improve? What does that feel like? What would happen if you accepted you were never going to be better at anything? Who would mind/ notice?

Hello! I relate to a lot of this.
Just because you have mentioned hormonal ups and downs, I wondered if you find these feelings most difficult in the 2 weeks before your period?
I have PMDD and in the week or two before my period, the following increases ten-fold: feelings of doom and unworthiness, self-sabotaging urges to end my relationship/quit my job, generally being an emotional wreck and thinking I’d rather not be here.
I only noticed this cycle after stopping the pill (which also affected my mood terribly..).

Yes I do.
If anyone knew what was going on in my head, I would be locked away for my own safety.

Yes, because I learned to just watch feelings and see them as fluid. I struggle with anxiety a bit and had depression before. Learning to be curious was good for me. I dont want to get over them though because once you watch feelings they go anyway. Highly recommend meditation and yoga for self care.

@Schools2023 the drive to improve is to try to make my life worthwhile for me, find some pleasure. Nobody else would notice.

@DogsPyjamas yes my feelings are so much worse the second half of my cycle with a couple of days being really bad. But the low level hatred of my life continues all month. Maybe a good mood for 2 days around ovulation when I feel a burst of motivation and like I could improve things. I'm struggling to sepate the depressive episodes from what is a fundamentally empty life all the time.

I could have written absolutely everything that you've written. It's slightly uncanny. For me, medication (there are a couple which are totally fine in pregnancy if you're worried - I was on sertraline throughout mine) and weekly therapy are the only way that I cope. I've been lucky enough to find a psych that 'gets it' and is one of the few people that I can un-mask with.

Thanks @mynameiscalypso . My doctor refused to give me sertaline whilst I debated a second child....said it was too risky in the first trimester . I was pregnant but I lost the baby anyway.

@Fakingitallthetime I'm so sorry for your loss, that must have been hard. Your GP is wrong though about sertraline; I often find them woefully uninformed about medication in pregnancy. I was specifically put on sertraline by a consultant psychiatrist because I was TTC and going through IVF.

Thank you. Yes I had understood that sertaline was safe. I know there are some minor risks. The doctor and DH were against taking any risk at all to the baby.