Does anyone else just fake it all the time?

[Fakingitallthetime]

I'm so deeply depressed and have been for most of my adult life after suffering from eating disorders for a decade (my eating is fine now). I have been on sertraline for a couple of short periods but never long term.

I am extremely successful at work, have lots of material things and a wonderful DC. But I think frequently about how much I would love to just not be here anymore. I'm still here because of my DC and my parents but not for me, if you see what I mean. Most people would think my life is perfect but I'm just faking it all the time. I just want to be alone and I feel completely disconnected from my partner and have let all my friendships slide away. I'm so lonely and have nobody to turn to. When I've tried, people just want to tell me how wonderful my life is and how much others would want it. Every now and again, the weight of faking feels too much (i can even fool myself sometimes) and I just plunge into a deep depression (but outwardly appear fine).

Does anyone else just live a complete lie all the time?

Regardless of what’s at the bottom of why you feel as you do …I think you need a doctor appointment,to try an antidepressant.
there’s so many different ones ,it’s definitely worth persevering untill you find one that works for you
if you can lift the fog a little bit ,things may seem brighter x

OP I can relate to so much of what you say and it seems so can others. I am so sorry about your loss. I had a miscarriage that was a huge shock for me - it took a long time for me to process it. Talking about it IRL didn't help but allowing myself to grieve helped, and the support I found online was great.

The idea of perfectionism jumps out at me frow your posts. Lists of things that you could improve while on the same breath you say you seem to have a perfect life. Have you considered yoga or meditation? They are all about accepting yourself as you are now without judgment, which can be very freeing. They are also easy to get started with.

You said 'Yesterday we were both at home all day and my husband spoke 2 sentences to me.' Is that how things usually are? Are there things you want to say to him but can't? Or do you have no desire or need to talk to him?

I guess i'm wondering if you're unhappy in your relationship and that's clouding your feelings about your life in general.

I guess everyone has different perspectives of what their core structure is, all the best and positivity op, I guess treasure the important things,

What would make your life perfect at the moment, how is that different from now?

Eg do you live somewhere different, is the house clear of clutter, do you have time for exercise and good food?

What are the things that are wrong for you today?

@MythicalBiologicalFennel thank you. I do like yoga and should do it more. I do find being 'still quite difficult at the moment.

@Schools2023 I have absolutely no idea. I suppose I have a vision of happy family life but its me that's the problem. I guess I want someone to look after me, I'm sick of doing everything alone.

@3leafclover I'm not sure. I know we should try to spend quality time together but I don't really want to and I don't feel like he wants to spend his time with me either.

DogsPyjamas yes my feelings are so much worse the second half of my cycle with a couple of days being really bad. But the low level hatred of my life continues all month. Maybe a good mood for 2 days around ovulation when I feel a burst of motivation and like I could improve things. I'm struggling to sepate the depressive episodes from what is a fundamentally empty life all the time.

This is me to a tee, when unmedicated. I’ve been depressed most of my adult life. I’ve been on sertraline for around a decade and it just makes me feel normal. I still have lots of ups and downs (lots of downs lately but that is circumstantial) but I am able to function and feel fairly normal about it all. I’m rarely filled with joy, but I can crack on and not feel like I’m faking it. Without meds, the clouds descend.

I’d discuss it again, in the context of your family plans. Also I notice you lost a baby recently. You almost mention that in passing, but that is a significant bereavement. Have you been given chance to feel all your feelings there? 💐

Might be worth having a look at my hypnosis AMA. I shall say no more 😊

Thanks @knackeredagain . I'm not sure about the baby - just told first trimester miscarriage is normal and nothing to worry about it. It was complicated though and required quite a lot of medical intervention. I guess it depleted me physically quite a bit but really it's just the icing on the cake. And should I really have another child anyway?

It definitely sounds like you are lonely and need someone to look after you. Do you think you could find a way to talk to your husband about this? Have you ever felt looked after? What does that look like to you?

OP being alone in a partnership can feel very lonely indeed as you have an expectation of companionship and partnership which you just aren’t getting. If you can’t change your relationship then focus on what you can change.

@Schools2023 no, I don't think I am the sort of person people feel the need to look after! Some people have nice words but that's about it. I've always just had to pull myself together and get on with it. That was a huge value in my family growing up - just tough it out.

That's really hard that you've never felt looked after, do you do the things for others that you'd appreciate yourself?

I'm really sorry you feel like this. I recognise myself a lot in what you write. I have been depressed for about 30 years and sometimes I just find it amazing that I am still here! My family and DP are both pretty useless at feelings and that's a very lonely place to be.

I know it's not the same but can you pay for any help?
A cleaner who does the beds and puts the clothes away?
Regular pedicures or massages?
A personal trainer?
Lessons in a new skill?

I do still think you need to explain to your husband how he can make you feel more looked after, if he doesn't want to, then that's a different proposition but I think you should ask.

Yes. Now I have a child, I can't imagine not being active in the way I don't think my parents were. If she has a problem, I acknowledge it and do everything in my power to solve/help her solve it.

I'm sorry to hear that. It's awful.

Yes I can pay for whatever I want, just not sure what I enjoy anymore!

Do you read much? Try Alain de Botton website/ books on the book of life and his one on long term relationships. Also something vast like Sapiens or Bill Bryson's book about science. Books about explorers and the age of enlightenment are good too to give some perspective. Some Germaine Greer/ Margaret Atwood etc is never a bad idea either. Apologies if this is patronising, just often reassuring to understand that humans have suffered the same for all of history!

@Schools2023 yes am an avid reader....introvert life! Not patronising at all. Right now I do try to avoid reading or watching anything that relates to suffering or hardship though. My DH is big into philosophy.....I feel I don't have the brain space.

Try these, they're really short

www.theschooloflife.com/articles/

Are you menopausal. Are you affected by hormone upheaval due to miscarriage. Have you good friends? Did you used to have good friends you could share with.
I was put on mirtazapine - it fixed my depression, stopped all negative ruminations, helped with sleep. -personally wish I'd been put on it decades ago. Takes a few weeks to get used to it.
I therefore think medication is the way to go but obviously avoid pregnancy for a few months while you trial the meds.

I've always just had to pull myself together and get on with it. That was a huge value in my family growing up - just tough it out.

Which I guess is why you feel guilty and unworthy of asking for the help you currently need. Again, it's not being critical of your upbringing but a family that sets great score by the infamous "stiff upper lip" does no favours for the times when mental health needs some tlc.

I've always just had to pull myself together and get on with it. That was a huge value in my family growing up - just tough it out.

Yes, I suspect this is at the root of it - you need to be able to feel your feelings and let them work their way out. Pushing them down works in the short term, but they all just linger, waiting to emerge.

It's scary opening up if you aren't that way inclined (I'm not either) but it could be helpful to you.