I don’t like my son

[Thisgirlis2]

I feel awful writing this. Truely awful but I need to know if anyone else gets like this. I’m a single mum to a boy 9, and a baby girl (<year). No input in anyway from fathers.
I can’t stand my son at the moment. He’s 9. He argues with me constantly about everything. Any little thing he’ll argue with me about. He doesn’t do as I say, he just will blatantly not listen, I’ll tell him to stop doing it and he’ll either carry on or do it again straight after. He will literally ruin every outing we have to the point I don’t want to go anywhere with him or take him anywhere with anyone because he is so embarrassing and exhausting to be around. He’ll constantly talk over people, act like an idiot or a child a lot younger than he is, he will constantly ask to be bought stuff. Obviously I’m tired from the baby she doesn’t sleep longer than an hour and a half at a time and is BF but tbh this has been going on longer than she’s been here. I just now completely resent him. I don’t want to cuddle him, I don’t want him touching me which is obviously awful because I want him to know he is loved but I just cannot stand him and his behaviour, his complete lack of respect for adults and the impact he is having on my life. I’ve spoken to the school about it and he is better at school but they don’t offer to help at home. I’m at a loss of what to do. I don’t get support from family and it’s really difficult to make friends with him the way he is. I have a few friends but they don’t want to be around him all the time because he’s such hard work. I have had a couple of relationships in his lifespan, both have failed after the guys meeting him and spending time. One of them straight forward said that it was because of him he is leaving. He’s currently being assessed for high functioning autism and adhd and I know he has traits but I also know that a majority of it is just him being a sh*t. Im at a loss of what to do. Consequences to his actions do not work. Nothing works. I’m considering giving him up because I just can’t cope with it. What do I do?!

Holy shit that's hard to read. Happy, settled kids don't behave like this, he's obviously really, really struggling.

It sounds like his life is pretty chaotic - absent dad, different men in and out of his life, no family network, a new baby - that's all incredibly upsetting and unsettling for a little kid.

I think first up, you both need therapy. Him so he has a safe space to process his feelings, and you so you can work through your own issues towards him. There is absolutely no way that he isn't fully aware that you resent and dislike him. He definitely knows that you don't want him. He's probably known it for a long time, and it's fuelling his behaviour. You really need to speak to the GP about getting him some professional help, and yourself too, or he's going to grow up miserable and angry.

Please don't let other posters guilt you OP.
What I have noticed on mumsnet is that children seem to be considered absolute emperors, with no regard to the impact they have on other people especially parents. "Poor children" basically, no matter what they do.
Please remember that you are a person too and are allowed to react to other people's unpleasant behaviour, even if they are children.

Don’t let people make you feel bad for posting this, those who will have no idea about having to parent kids like this.

i haven’t got time to post properly but I will come back tomorrow

@Bonheurdupasse
So what are you suggesting? That the OP throw her son on the scrapheap?

A bit of empathy, epecially with a child, is more likely to get us close to what the problem is and consequently the solution.

No parent is perfect and we all make mistakes. If the OP has made mistakes that just goes to show that she is human.

OP I get your exhaustion and frustration. Which make everything else harder to deal with. It is a really tough situation for you. And for your son.

Autism and/or ADHD and/or absent father and /or knowing on some level that his mum resents him, can all contribute to very difficult behaviour that a 9 year old genuinely can't help.

Underneath it all he is probably a very frightened, confused little boy who feels rejected/ abandoned by his father (whether he remembers him or not) and insecure in terms of his bond with hus mum. That's tough already, add in autism and or adhd and life gets even more difficult for him.

.. so I'd really encourage you to leave some space for reasons other than "I know majority of it is just him being a sh**".

It's not necessarily a problem that you think that sometimes, you're human and sometimes you might be right, but it's not fair or accurate to assume that generally the problem is inherent nastiness in him.

Probably all the things listed at the start of this post are part of what's going on to some extent. That doesn't make the behaviour easy to deal with at all.

But it does mean that you both can get some support and understanding in this very tough perfect storm.

If you tell your GP/ his school you are struggling so much you're considering giving him up, they should be able to get things moving to helping both of you with therapy and support.

All the best with this very difficult situation.

OP
the poster above hit on an useful suggestion - that is, telling ‘official people’ that you are considering giving him up. Ideally you want Social services to be told this - they’ll do anything to avoid that, so that will force them to help you - with some respite, like him going to fostering for a few days.

I don’t think 2 men in his life qualify as men in and out of his life, considering I waited well over a year to introduce him to them, the first was introduced as a friend with no physical contact between us in his presence and he didn’t come to the house when my son was about and the second again well over a year before introduced a further 3 years before we moved in together.

I have tried to get him help. The current school got an educational psychologist in as well, which he told that the first school he went to would shut him in an office all day because of his behaviour (I had no knowledge of this at the time), however that school also told me he had no potential to succeed anywhere which is why I moved him from there. GP won’t refer him for therapy until he is 10. I’ve already asked them for help. The school know I am struggling I’ve told them on several occasions but say I’ll get support when he has an official diagnosis, but there’s a 2 year waiting list for him even to be seen.
I have no family network because my mum died of cancer when he was small, and my Dad left when I was small and hasn’t really had much interest in our lives.

I by no means want to “throw my son on a scrap heap” however most days now it is so bad I consider and plan taking my life because I can’t cope with it. When I try and talk to people about it I get a lot of “that’s just kids” but I can’t believe this is normal for a child. Our GP has said he will grow out of it. I can also see it’s not from the behaviour of his peers.

I by no means want to “throw my son on a scrap heap"

I wasn't referring to you OP.

Is there such a thing as family therapy in the UK? My nephew, who had a horrible start in life, was a really impossible child until my sister took him to family therapy and the difference was amazing.

OP my son ended up with a team of professionals (including a social worker who was absolutely vital in getting shit done) and I am seeing a difference in the last couple months, he is Nine.
He is still the most noticeable person in any room, he can be rude but I no longer feel the way you do about him, I did for a couple of years and I hated myself for it, but I also knew other adults hated my son too. That's a shitty, shitty feeling but likely a sign something is amiss
Push for the assessments ALL of them, ASD ADHD ODD and any others, make sure people around you know you are struggling and demanding help.
Quite a lot of ASD, ADHD looks like being a little shit, rudeness(no awareness of social protocols and other peoples feelings, being surprised when you lose your shit and arguing back) it is HARD as fuck.

Social services do not operate a collect service, they are unlikely to take him off you, but my SW was fucking indispensable in getting shit done. Knowing that there is a SW means the school, sends, CAMHS, gps etc will pull their finger out and get him seen.

You are NOT alone feeling like this, but you do have to make a lot of noise to get anyone to take you seriously.

The school is not doing enough by saying when he gets a diagnosis, as they know damn well he may be in year 7 secondary before that happens. You should have been referred to camhs by the school at the very least.
Go back to GP and insist on getting referrals for assessments, you have to be quite rude yourself at times to get anything done but he needs help. No kid should be in a position where its hard for their caregiver to love them and there is help out there but you have to stamp your feet to get taken seriously.

Reach out to the local authority directly. Ring them yourself

Some children are very difficult. If I was you I would acknowledge that - your son is difficult. And then think about what you can do to make things better.

"He argues with me constantly about everything. Any little thing he’ll argue with me about."
It takes two to have an argument. Just say you are not arguing with him and walk away. Lock yourself in the bathroom if you need to.

"He doesn’t do as I say, he just will blatantly not listen, I’ll tell him to stop doing it and he’ll either carry on or do it again straight after."
This is really common. He needs consequences. This will happen if you do not do z. And then follow through.

"He will literally ruin every outing we have to the point I don’t want to go anywhere with him or take him anywhere with anyone because he is so embarrassing and exhausting to be around."
The embarrassment stuff - in your mind imagine he has special needs. You would not be embarrassed if he had special needs and acted differently. Is there anywhere you can take him that is less exhausting for you?

"He’ll constantly talk over people, act like an idiot or a child a lot younger than he is, he will constantly ask to be bought stuff."
Give him weekly pocket money. Once it is gone it is gone. He will create hell the first few times when he wants more, but once he gets the message that he will not get anymore, this will get easier. Do not give in.
Children acting younger than their age are usually seeking love and nurture and cuddles.
Acting like an idiot is normal 9 year old attention seeking. See above.
Read how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk.
This stuff is hard.

I think you need help to separate your feelings from your actions. You don't need to feel love to show love.

I remember reading about how love is an action, it is in doing the things we don't want to do e.g. get up in the middle of the night that we show howuch we love our children.

Dont hug him because you want to, hug him because he needs you to. It is so hard to parent sometimes, your feelings are understandable, but don't let your feelings make things even harder in your house. It is in your own best interests to hug your child etc.

You sound alone and must miss your own mum. I'm sorry it is hard. Can you have a quiet day with your children tomorrow, watch a favourite film, do some colouring, eat nice food? Just give all of you a breather from trying so hard.

Has it escalated since having your second child?

Have you considered aspergers/ASD with a Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) profile? Kids with this seem really defiant but underneath it is serious anxiety and this comes out as a need to hyper-control their world... might be worth having a read up on because it takes a very different style of discipline to manage... just a thought!

Stating the obvious may be upsetting to you here OP but it needs to be said. Boys with absent fathers can often act up as kids this age. Couple that with the fact the father of his new sibling is apparently absent as well and the other two boyfriends you’ve had have also left and I think you may possibly have the whole answer.

You can’t just act like your son has had a settled life because you want it to be true, literally every male figure introduced into his life (including his own father) has left him in the space of 9 years. I would be surprised if he didn’t have behavioural problems.

Point is I really think you need to have some sympathy with him there and talk to him about it rather than just act like he’s just got randomly occurring behavioural difficulties. His life is the cause.

@PleaseGoDontGoAgain

The thing is we don’t have to just assume his behaviour problems are down to a disorder and can be medicated - that may be the case, but it also may be a case of wishful thinking in overlooking the obvious. The obvious being that the boys life has been hard - he’s abandoned by his own father, now for whatever reason the father of his sister isn’t in their lives either. Things like that cause issues and acting up - it happens all the time.

If he has traits of autism and Andy a lot of this behaviour will stem from that.

Sounds very sensory seeking.

Do you have garden? If so a swing may help or a paddling pool. He needs a space to get lots of movement to help him regulate so he can manage to be stiller when you're out.

Also have you tried visual timetables?

Talk to him before you go out and set the expectations. Use visual clues as well. Things like "when we are out today we will buy an ice cream then we aren't buying anything else".

If he wants the ice cream as soon as you arrive then I wouldn't argue about that.

It's tough. I'm a LP and my ds has autism. Ages 8-10 were the worse and he did then settle down. I was also told they have a testosterone surge this age age which doesn't help!

But consistency is the key and try not to "over parent" him because others make you feel you should. So you can take him to a park and let him run around for hours. If he's loud so be it. This is what this kid needs.

@Thisgirlis2

OP I think you are a little defensive about the men in his life (or not in his life) as you feel attacked by it being brought up but it’s very relevant to his behaviour. When doctors and others say bad behaviour is normal - what they may mean is it’s normal for a boy in his situation. Boys with absent fathers have the highest instance of behaviour problems and emotional difficulties. Couple this with the men in his life continually leaving for whatever reason, including his baby siblings father and he actually has plenty of cause to act out.

You may not like hearing it but You can’t pretend that your son is a boy from a settled household who has always had support and therefore should follow the “normal” pattern or act like his peers. He’s had an unsettled and upsetting life and his beahviour is quite normal for a boy in that situation. I think counselling for him may be of a benifet but I also think it doesn’t help him for you to get defensive about the fact his childhood is less than ideal and likely to be causing issues or if they exist, exacerbating them.

Have to agree with @Suetodo88
Let's Not tiptoe around what is likely the main cause for his behaviour here OP.
You resent him but he is likely to coming to age where he also resents you
Has there been any contact with his father at all?

@itsgettingweird

I just don’t think we can jump straight to autism and ignore the very obvious possible cause that this boys beahviour may stem from his life situation. Many boys in his situation (abandoned by father and then other males) have behaviour issues. That is their normal.

You are spot on @MolliciousIntent.

Speak to a different GP if you’re not getting what you need.

if they won’t fund counseling then speak to a charity that may be able to provide it.

And I think you’re being naive to think the men in his life leaving won’t have had an impact, regardless of how long you left it before introducing him to them. The fact is, he still met them and then they vanished.

Having another baby will have had a massive impact on him too. Not only does he have no father figure or extended family network, he now also has to share his mum with a very demanding new baby.

following I have a similar child and am struggling too

There’s a very good reason why most posters have the sense not to judge children for their behaviour. In children, all behaviour is communication. This child is communicating his distress in the only way he knows how, by being disruptive. It gets him attention. Happy, settled children do not behave like this.

OP there is no quick fix beyond giving your child up for adoption. Which is probably preferable than him being denied love, acceptance and stability for the rest of his childhood.

Honestly, you need to get support for yourself and your parenting. I know that’s easier said than done but you are the adult here and you are responsible for your relationship with your son.

If you can find it within yourself to commit to loving and cherishing your child by doing whatever it takes to learn to better manage his behaviour and demonstrate to him that he is loved and accepted, 💯 his behaviour will improve.

Going to throw a spanner in the works now, as I have a DS who is 6yo currently being assessed for ADHD, with similar behaviours - from a settled background with two parents present every day. It's a tough gig.

Please don't just assume it's because of the dad not being present in her DS's life.