I don’t like my son

[Thisgirlis2]

I feel awful writing this. Truely awful but I need to know if anyone else gets like this. I’m a single mum to a boy 9, and a baby girl (<year). No input in anyway from fathers.
I can’t stand my son at the moment. He’s 9. He argues with me constantly about everything. Any little thing he’ll argue with me about. He doesn’t do as I say, he just will blatantly not listen, I’ll tell him to stop doing it and he’ll either carry on or do it again straight after. He will literally ruin every outing we have to the point I don’t want to go anywhere with him or take him anywhere with anyone because he is so embarrassing and exhausting to be around. He’ll constantly talk over people, act like an idiot or a child a lot younger than he is, he will constantly ask to be bought stuff. Obviously I’m tired from the baby she doesn’t sleep longer than an hour and a half at a time and is BF but tbh this has been going on longer than she’s been here. I just now completely resent him. I don’t want to cuddle him, I don’t want him touching me which is obviously awful because I want him to know he is loved but I just cannot stand him and his behaviour, his complete lack of respect for adults and the impact he is having on my life. I’ve spoken to the school about it and he is better at school but they don’t offer to help at home. I’m at a loss of what to do. I don’t get support from family and it’s really difficult to make friends with him the way he is. I have a few friends but they don’t want to be around him all the time because he’s such hard work. I have had a couple of relationships in his lifespan, both have failed after the guys meeting him and spending time. One of them straight forward said that it was because of him he is leaving. He’s currently being assessed for high functioning autism and adhd and I know he has traits but I also know that a majority of it is just him being a sh*t. Im at a loss of what to do. Consequences to his actions do not work. Nothing works. I’m considering giving him up because I just can’t cope with it. What do I do?!

Using Boarding School as a threat would really make a child feel that you don't love them unconditionally.... 'behave how I want you to or I'll send you away from me.' So any problems that are resulting from feeling abandoned by father / unloved by mum, are likely to get worse.

It also sets thing up do that any short-term respite care, or even residential care that gets offered to the family, now or later, to be interpreted as a punishment. That's not what you want either.

Do you think he's happy? Or do you think the differences and needs he's being assessed for are making him feel unsettled, overwhelmed, uncomfortable, unhappy, insecure, out of place, etc etc, prompting bad behaviour?

As a parent, you can provide a loving secure environment for your children and they can still be unhappy. It's not a judgement on your parenting, it's a fact of life. Happy children simply do not behave in this way.

I’m very interested that you view the book that way @Suetodo88 . The author is a Cambridge University Professor and it’s based on solid academic research. I know a lot of people don’t trust experts and academic research and prefer their own way of looking at things and no doubt sometimes this is the right approach.

With my own son I’ve been very keen to get evidence based information although I do also trust my instincts and experience and that of people whose way of life I admire.

Where do you find the most valuable male role models for your children outside the family? Do you find church, Scouts, School, tutors or anything else particularly successful? I’m in a somewhat similar situation to the OP with a very challenging 8 year old son and we might both benefit from you sharing your experience.

Have you looked at InOurPlace they do a free Solihull course, it also has a unit for special needs kids.

I’m not sure this is strictly accurate. It is possible to be happy at the same time as having a disability which causes you and those around you considerable difficulty.

Being happy does not mean you are automatically able to confirm to age typical social norms.

I get you want to vent and that's fine but I want to give some practical advise.
Firstly look at his environment as he may be reacting to it, what type of child is he? Is he sensory seeking - needs lots of stimulation/attention? Or needs quiet and less social interaction? If it's first lots of opportunity to burn energy - parks trampolines football etc, fidget spinners access to games etc. if it the second noise cancelling headphones, access to a quiet space. Does he respond better to routine and structure if yes calendar, daily planner. Stick to a familiar routine. Don't set him up to fail, things he can't cope with eg busy places, queues, sitting quietly stop doing them, find what soothes him -devices, books, you. Use them every day as sensory breaks but not constantly as it will lose affect. Just pick a few times in day. Dont take them away as punishment. Lower your expectations , drop all your issues with him then pick one or two to work on. So if it's interrupting when he does it put your hand up and ask him to wait. Continue for 2/3 seconds then let him speak. Gradually increase the time he has to wait. Loads of praise for doing it. Discipline, do t use words he probably isn't taking them in, don't use future threats either they don't work. Give a warnings ur stop that or xyz. If continues give punishment. Keep them small like a few minute time out or a few minutes you removed. Don't take away something that helps him regulate.

@Neome

I think most of my sons role models that aren’t family (that he knows personally) have largely come about through sporting clubs as coaches and men (usually from senior teams) that help out. School is a bit iffy as far as male role models go as that is dependant on the boy actually caring about school and the subject in question - if he doesn’t then he’s probably not going to look at teachers as role models. I think tutors is probably similar, dependant on the boys interest in the subject he’s learning.

Really one of the main places he could see other male role models is just in OP’s friendship group - doesn’t need to be a boyfriend. But that really depends on your social circle.

Scouts could be a good idea - I don’t have personal experience.

I think one thing to keep in mind is that anything is better than nothing, you don’t need to pin this all on one male role model who may never materialise. Just getting out and being a part of things with your son that have men in some capacity acting in a normal responsible way is a good thing. Even if the boy does have some issues surrounding his father, it’s still good for him to see that men don’t need to be that way - and for him to see the way they can be. He will be one one day after all so it’s important they aren’t alien to him.

İ discovered Mumsnet googling for advice when my son was the same age for very similar issues, he is now 24.
Mistakes I made:
Waiting and seeing for too long, wish I'd got a DX sooner (he was better at school which confused me and delayed help from them)
Wish I hadn't wasted time on reward charts and naughty steps, they do Not work on children with ASD/ADHD/PDA
Wish I'd understood that children with the above are often socially and emotionally only 2/3 their actual age..
If I'd understood his needs better, especially his anxiety I'd have saved a lot of conflict.
I wish I hadn't compared him to my friends kids, he picked up on it even though I didn't do it directly.
Its been a bumpy ride but he is progressing in life and we get on quite well (not quite as relaxed a relationship as with his siblings, i think due to all the conflict when he was younger, he has a more chilled relationship with DH who left me in charge of discipline!)

@BlueWhaleBay A child of this age will not be adopted. If he goes into care, he will bounce around different foster carers, until he ages out of the system, which could mean going into unsupported accommodation at 16. It is not a good outcome.

I have two dc with ADHD and they had massive problems in school from the age of 3. I would say if the school are not reporting difficulties, that is a good sign and that there is hope. 9 is a tricky age for a lot of children.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly. We know you didn't start the thread asking for help with your own mental health but as a few posters on here have suggested, it sounds like you need some support too - and we hope that the wise folk in our Mental Health topic will have some useful advice and guidance for you on that subject. Best of luck with it all, OP.

Poor you, poor boy

I have 2 sons and found that boys, this kind of age, need these things

• routine, predictability
• good food, more than you think
• exercise, I likened mine to dogs, they need 1-2 hours exercise a day
• love, hugs, kisses, some gentle time, reading together or watching telly together. Saying positive things like "I love you" and "You're so funny/great/kind" when he does something nice

Can you try and meet his needs a bit more, and you might find it gets easier?

Exactly. The two are not mutually exclusive. You can be happy by nature (as my son is) but also have a diagnosed disability/emotional difficulties at the same time.

I don’t suggest it will be an ideal outcome but it’s difficult to imagine a worse environment than the one he is in.

A couple of things stood out for me. He is acting a lot younger than he is- with a baby sister I'm wondering if he has decided that the way to get attention from mum is to act like a young child and demand attention. The behaviour that you find normal in a 1 year old, and will respond to, you will find so irritating in a 9 year old, but he won't understand that, he will just see it working for his sister.

He is demanding to be bought things - I wonder if he equates this with love and wants proof all the time that you love him?

Talking over people and demanding attention - maybe he isn't getting the attention he needs.

How many of the activities you are taking him to are specifically designed for older children? Are you expecting him to go to activities that suit your DD? If so that's fine but make it clear - 'we are going here because your sister will enjoy it but I promise tomorrow we will do something you will love' message - you matter just as much as her.

I know it's cliche but all behaviour is communication so you need to work out what he is trying to tell you.

He will suddenly be Sharing his mum with a sibling which is really hard and I should imagine that naturally a lot of your attention is on her and you are subconsciously expecting him to understand this as an adult would - that is doesn't mean you love him less but a baby is demanding. but he is still a young child who needs his mum, and they don't really understand things in the way adults do. Even as an adult I still got peeved if my mum was paying my brother too much attention

Hi,
I know this was posted a while ago, but I could have written this myself. I totally sympathise with everything you are saying.
I had a 2nd child (now two) and my oldest (11) is just causing me so much stress.
He does all the things you have listed. My family notice it. friends notice it. I do wonder if there is underlying adhd/autism.
only thing is his dad (we are separated) says he doesn’t behave this way with him!!!
im finding life really difficult. If I broach the subject with his dad he makes me feel inadequate.
Am I too soft perhaps?! I’m at a loss. I worry once he’s a teenager I really do! Any help
Would be appreciated ❤️