I don’t like my son

[Thisgirlis2]

I feel awful writing this. Truely awful but I need to know if anyone else gets like this. I’m a single mum to a boy 9, and a baby girl (<year). No input in anyway from fathers.
I can’t stand my son at the moment. He’s 9. He argues with me constantly about everything. Any little thing he’ll argue with me about. He doesn’t do as I say, he just will blatantly not listen, I’ll tell him to stop doing it and he’ll either carry on or do it again straight after. He will literally ruin every outing we have to the point I don’t want to go anywhere with him or take him anywhere with anyone because he is so embarrassing and exhausting to be around. He’ll constantly talk over people, act like an idiot or a child a lot younger than he is, he will constantly ask to be bought stuff. Obviously I’m tired from the baby she doesn’t sleep longer than an hour and a half at a time and is BF but tbh this has been going on longer than she’s been here. I just now completely resent him. I don’t want to cuddle him, I don’t want him touching me which is obviously awful because I want him to know he is loved but I just cannot stand him and his behaviour, his complete lack of respect for adults and the impact he is having on my life. I’ve spoken to the school about it and he is better at school but they don’t offer to help at home. I’m at a loss of what to do. I don’t get support from family and it’s really difficult to make friends with him the way he is. I have a few friends but they don’t want to be around him all the time because he’s such hard work. I have had a couple of relationships in his lifespan, both have failed after the guys meeting him and spending time. One of them straight forward said that it was because of him he is leaving. He’s currently being assessed for high functioning autism and adhd and I know he has traits but I also know that a majority of it is just him being a sh*t. Im at a loss of what to do. Consequences to his actions do not work. Nothing works. I’m considering giving him up because I just can’t cope with it. What do I do?!

"Happy, settled children do not behave like this."

My DS is in a loving family environment but behaves in a similar way. Please don't talk rubbish . That's why he is being assessed.

Some practical advice OP for coping daily is to get outdoors as much as you can. Woodland walks, wide open spaces. Fields, country parks etc. Let him run free.

@User48751490

No one is saying he couldn’t genuinely have ADHD. But it was being assumed that he does and no mention was made of his life possibly being the reason (or a factor) in his beahviour because maybe OP doesn’t want to face the possibility that his issues may stem from his situation - so it’s easier to want to think they are from something like ADHD.

He could have ADHD, it’s also true that many boys without ADHD who have abandonment issues with fathers and father figures (which he definetly does) act out and become badly behaved. This is very very common. It’s also possible that both are going on. I just think ignoring his life as playing a role in this is wishful thinking that doesn’t help him.

It might be because he doesn’t have a male figure in his life, and it might not. But there’s nothing she can do about that.
‘My suggestion would be for you to jump the gun and assume he has ADHD/ASD and for you to learn how to manage his behaviour with that in mind. You are going to have to educate yourself in that.
Then go to the school nurse and health visitor, and tell them you are struggling and need help. Then back to the GP, and school. Keep going, you’ll get there.

And make sure your contraception is water tight.

OP, you need to separate him from his behaviour. Don’t label him difficult or unpleasant, try to think of him as the son you love going through a difficult phase. Be firm and decisive with your discipline. Reward good behaviours first. Try to catch him being good and give him praise. Do you have a friend that could look after your baby DD for a couple of hours so that you can spend quality 1-1 time with your DS? It sounds to me that he is craving attention. Does he have a friend you could invite round? It sounds as though he is feeling unloveable. Take the high road by not arguing back (which is so hard, I know.) You need to be firm but very benevolent and loving. Tell him that you won’t argue with him and stay strong. Override any feelings of distaste for him you may have and ‘kill him with kindness.’

You don’t have a magic wand and it’s going to take time, patience and consistent boundaries from you. Even if it turns out that he has an ASD diagnosis, these strategies might help you stay calm. Keep remembering that he is 9 and struggling in his world at the moment.

I hope none of this sounds patronising and I know that you may have tried everything I listed, but extra love, calmness, consistency and hopefully 1-1 time with him are key. I wish you all the luck in the world, OP.

@KangarooKenny

She can’t change the past, but if he has issues from not having a male figure in his life and all that’s gone on he may need to address those issues. The problem is saying “there’s nothing she can do about that” just makes it sound like it will be ignored because it might make her uncomfortable - when actually talking about it and some therapy or similar may help him a lot.

Its not exactly the same but if a child had a parent that died and the child was having problems then no one would say the answer was to just act like that couldn’t be a factor and never address how it made the child feel - because the other parent wouldn’t feel judged in that case. But here were OP may feel judged by the lack of male figures/male figures leaving their is advice to look the other way on it. It doesn’t help the boy.

In my experience children need three things to be successful,

most importantly to feel that they are unconditionally loved, I used to say just to be loved but then I taught a child who's mum did love him but was quite distant. He didn't feel as though she loved him. His behaviour was awful.

to have a lot of praise and the worse they behave the more praise they need when they have done things right. I don't just mean a cursory well done. I mean exhausting isn't that amazing, thank you so much for doing that, that's really helped me etc

To have very clear consequences that are followed through. Not in the moment consequences but short, one warning and then immediate consequences. Super nanny style. I'm not advocating the step as he his 9 but that sort of instant consequence if the warning doesn't work.

Changing the behaviour of a child is exhausting. Possible diagnosises are not going to help either. But again clear boundaries, knowing what's going to happen when, giving time warnings before leaving somewhere (we're going in 10 mins, 5 mins, 2 mins, 1 min, 30 secs) giving clear reasons why things have to happen (don't presume he will know why you want to do anything, it may be really obvious to you that you can't talk to him that second because the dinner is burning and baby needs feeding but it won't be to him).

Sorry this is such a long reply. Keep pushing at the school and gp. There are things like primary behaviour support and where I teach they will come and work with you at home. Help is out there you just have to find it.

Look after yourself.

Can you afford to pack him off to boarding school?
Or if not, could you at least use it as a threat?

Lots of parent cannot accept that even if a child is ND that the environment could also be a factor. Its a huge issue in the child being to access to right support for them. It's not the case everytime of course, but it's naieve and harmful not to consider it.

I found the experience, strength and hope of parents who had faced similar problems more useful with my neurodiverse son than well meaning analysis by individuals who hadn’t experienced anything similar.

This psychologist has an interesting perspective on the different parenting demand required by children with ADHD. If ADHD might be a factor it’s worth a watch.
www.google.co.uk/search?q=coping+with+a+child+with+ADHD+youtube&safe=active&client=safari&hl=en-gb&sxsrf=ALiCzsagdh8PpZrrQu7udOkWqDg5klpzEw%3A1659854143080&ei=P13vYpvHBIncgAbQoaSICw&ved=0ahUKEwjb4s7EjrT5AhUJLsAKHdAQCbEQ4dUDCA0&uact=5&oq=coping+with+a+child+with+ADHD+youtube&gs_lcp=Cgdnd3Mtd2l6EAMyBQghEKABOgcIABBHELADOgYIABAeEBY6BQgAEIYDOgcIIRCgARAKOgQIIRAVOggIIRAeEBYQHUoECEEYAEoECEYYAFDFCFiSF2CvGmgBcAF4AIABdIgBxgWSAQM3LjGYAQCgAQHIAQjAAQE&sclient=gws-wiz#kpvalbx=_SF3vYvfOMpGChbIP6JWIkAY12

Triple P do a parenting programme for children with disabilities, I found it very helpful when it was running in my area
www.triplep.net/glo-en/the-triple-p-system-at-work/the-system-explained/specialist-programs/
When things get too much making a phone call to the Samaritans isn’t always possible and I find the text support from
giveusashout.org/
really helpful

I came across this over the counter remedy which has been looked at for ADHD and tried it with my son for a while when he was on the CAHMS multi year waiting list, he now has prescribed medication. I think it helped a little.

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16699814/

Definitely this.

@FreyaStorm

Pack a boy who has been abandoned by every male figure in his life off to boarding school shortly after she has a new baby?

That doesn’t sound like a recipe for ensuring serious future psychological problems at all.

You might find this researcher’s work interesting www.amazon.co.uk/We-Are-Family-matters-children/dp/1912854376
Susan Golombok investigates what really impacts children in families and it’s not necessarily what you might think.

Also I wonder if you’re aware @Suetodo88 that quite different causes can result in similar appearing behaviours/symptoms. The experience of trauma can result in behaviour that might look like autism.

Even so the remedy is what’s most important. If you see a fire, get out and call 999. Don’t worry about what exactly started it until you’re safe and it’s out!

I by no means want to “throw my son on a scrap heap” however most days now it is so bad I consider and plan taking my life because I can’t cope with it.

If this is what it’s got to you need some urgent help. Don’t focus on causes and trying to change your son, focus on getting rest and help for yourself first. Good luck.

Oddly enough I’ve just read Lady Glenconner’s memoir (doing a massive Kondo clear out) and boarding school was the done thing in her family. Her oldest son (3 sons 2 daughters) had quite a few unusual behaviours but nevertheless off to boarding school before the age of 10. It may not have made his problems any easier…

She also mentions Charles Windsor writing to her mother from boarding school, finding it very tough. It sounds like her mother was a bit of an aunt figure to him. Her description of him as a kind and gentle child who was then subjected to quite a harsh experience has really changed my view of him as a person.

You said you are considering ending your life over this OP… please get some help for yourself too. Could postnatal depression be playing a part?
If baby is under 1 year you may be able to get support from the perinatal mental health services. Your GP can refer you and should if you tell them what you said here, you are struggling and considering ending your life or giving your son up for adoption…
I hope your family can get some support and things get better for you.

@Neome

Frankly that book sounds like highly wishful thinking combined with a political worldview on family. I can’t believe that being abandoned by parental figures repeatedly can ever be good for a child and I can’t believe that having no male role model who wants to be a part of his life can be good for a boy whatever some book says. Besides there are many books and studies which say the exact opposite. People cherry pick these things to suit what they wish to be true and act like there some kind of new discovery when really they’re just a different opinion.

Is there a possibility of PND for you?
This would make everything so much harder to deal with.

This sentence is very telling op : I don’t want to cuddle him, I don’t want him touching me which is obviously awful because I want him to know he is loved but I just cannot stand him and his behaviour

Your child needs love and physical touch. With your chaotic life (no offense, I get that shit happens, but children need stability), new baby,he feels he's only being a nuisance and means nothing else to you. He might be seeking attention, he doesn't know how else to deal with his emotions. 9 years old is not an old child op. You really must deal with your lack of love towards him and also face your own issues. Children do not grow up in a vacuum, there's generally a reason they behave the way they do. Please hug and love your child, make him the centre of attention. Its difficult with a baby I know, but try to find the strength. You'll see that it'll get better.

Op, I have a teenage son with ADHD and learning difficulties (not autism).
I’m afraid that many children with additional needs do have very difficult behaviour.
your child didn’t ask to have these issues, you need to be the grown up here, take your responsibility as a mother seriously. Contact social services to see what help and respite you can have.
you Need to put to one side the feelings of dislike and make your child feel loved even if you have to fake it when he’s being difficult.
I’m not going to lie to you, it is tough. I have an amazing husband. I’m your case I would find a support group with children on the spectrum so that you can get support in that way. You cannot do this alone.

OP - thank you for being very brave and posting what must have been be such a difficult post to write.
I hope that you find the help that you need from the other more experienced posters.
I just wanted to send a hug and tell you that I've heard you and that we are here for you if you need space - I hope everything gets better xx

OP if you are considering your life please call good Samaritans.
www.samaritans.org
You may also want to ask Mumsnet to move this to the SEN area so you only get responses from parents who have sen kids and will be very sympathetic to your struggles.
please also contact the compliants section of your surgery and ask to see another doctor - you been told he can’t be referred until 10 is appalling.
I am very sorry for your problems - kids at 9 are at an age where they realise they are part of a bigger world and can make them feel frightened. It’s also likely the new baby is making him feel insecure.
Ignore all the bullocks said about the men - plenty of single mothers raising kids this is more a kit your sons sen needs I think. Best wishes to you.

I also wouldn't jump to ASD or ADHD from what you have written, OP, although it is hard to judge without seeing him - sometimes these diagnoses are obvious in reality but not on paper.

But being argumentative, testing boundaries, striving for dominance and constantly asking for stuff are all normal 9 year old behaviour. And this child has a very insecure background, a new baby sibling (time consuming, lovable), various father figures who have left when he pushed boundaries, a mother who believes (perhaps rightly) that he has driven away her partners and who can't bear to hug him... As difficult as he sounds I think there are other possible explanations for his behaviour.

Agree with mollicious

Can you afford some holiday clubs for him - he might find it difficult waiting around while you feed baby.

Ask for help from Homestart. I don't know how school are supposed to help you with him at home?

You need a structure to the day & sit down & plan with him so he knows what he will be doing. It doesn't need to be expensive. It could be trips to park, library, watching a film. Do you have garden for trampoline or paddling pool?

I think you also need to prioritise 1-1 time with him - so he knows he will get your full attention even if it's just 15 mins chatting or watching him do something.

You might also be eligible for baby to get some free childcare - my childminder used to have some children who had fees paid by council as the Mum was struggling a bit.

Look into whether you can get any free activities for DS. I presume he gets free school meals (might be wrong) and sometimes there are free or subsidised activities for those children - precisely for the reasons you mention (absent fathers, no family support, lack of money).