Parent and carers of anxious teens(part 6)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Another thread full!!
For anyone new,these threads started as my D's had crippling anxiety in year 8( and was later diagnosed ASD)now about to start 6th form in September we have been running this quite a while!
This is a safe space to discuss the overwhelm that can engulf us,seek advice and find friendship with others in a similar position.
Please note this is a non judgemental space and respect and care of each other is at the centre of what we are here for.
Whether you want to vent and run,or hang around a while,welcome!

VikingI'm so sorry things are proving so difficult right now with ds14.you know we don't judge here,so no concerns of that lovely.
Will you get him tested for ADD?
Does the high school have any SEN support at all?(at my girls school they have a room to escape to if things get to much,and staff there do have notes on who should/might need the space,and some students go there for a particular lesson if it causes too much trouble them actually attending with peers)

We had a difficult day.lil zoo had p.e yesterday.she didn't do pe in year 8 as whilst restricting food and water at school was put under the eating disorder team.they said nope.year 9 she had a few meltdown moments and refused go school or classes when staying at her sisters and it was agreed she could access the "pink room" for those lessons as was deemed better than missing huge volumes of lessons.year 10 it was agreed she would return full time,all subjects as she's now in GCSE years.sge freaked out on Monday and spent most of a double science lesson crying(teacher rang after-school concerned as she wouldn't say what was wrong).it was fretting over pe.she refuse brekkie and complained head and stomachache.i insisted has to go she went straight head of year on arrival and was agreed if that distressing wouldn't have to do it this year(so assume no one again).in a previous chat i had with head of year she said the only wiggle room would be over p.e as it's not a GCSE subject and could be jettison to protect the rest of her learning,nut was worth at least trying for the full set.
After school she said she hates tutor time/breaks/lunch and wanted me to email HOY to go there then I refused saying had to do tutor time as registration etc stormed upstairs in awful mood.i did email HOY this as I am worried the narrow view of how she wants it will start to impact other school lessons.so far she was alone all day Monday,and Tuesday sat a girl who was in her science class last year (not in tutor group) for art.she did get a text last night from a girl in her art class she attended primary school with ask how she was(they were friends then but said kid only wanted her when drama she created ment none else to hang out with)
DS circling the sun fretting about school.we visit again Thursday,with intention starting Monday after.still no word from transport!they all WFH and try get hold anyone is a JOKE...I might again try today to get hold of someone,if not ask school if they've heard anything.
Dd2 is in a pickle also,her new tutor is piling on pressure(saw video about leap in difficulty from gcse-a level is hard tear 12-13 much harder and yesterday she query if c really wanted go uni ,could afford to do so if not commited(she faltered over why history and her plan for post uni),and whether she could handle the work(not just DD she said it to)she's eroding what little confidence she has away and it's causing huge stress.shes not super anxious but more disassociating(?)nothing feels real and she feels numb and wants to cry but can't.the overwhelm yesterday evening over UCAS application,revision timetable organising and the fact her self chosen topic of jack the ripper for history was denied she is approaching wreck status.ibe said if things don't level off by the end of the week I will request moving tutor groups.i appreciate they want to push students but she is quite fragile and at this rate will end up crashing out again

Oh zoo how draining! DS2 has a long history of PE refusal as well so I sympathize. He’ll need to get one PE credit at some point to graduate from high school - it’ll be an issue for sure.

Fingers crossed DS’ transportation gets organized soon - the not knowing must be so stressful for you and DS. 💙

And for DD2, self-confidence is critical isn’t it? Perhaps she can bounce back better this time around with a little experience behind her.

Yes, DS does have our version of SEN support. He has access to a resource room if he wants to leave a class and do his work in a quiet area with SEN- trained teachers. They also have access to breakout rooms.
Your comment about little zoo’s narrow view on how she wants things…. is the best description of DS2 issues with school. He needs complete privacy to deescalate his behaviour and schools cannot accommodate this as it is a health and safety issue. We’ve gone round in circles for almost 3 years with this.

thinking of you and wishing for a better day tomorrow (today?)❤

Tiktok I hope the next visit to the EOTAS provider goes as well as the visit last week. Education and qualifications can always come later. EHCPs last until 25 or 26 in some cases.

Zoo did the visit go well? I hope the rest of the week hasn’t been too bad.

Viking lovely to see you, but I am sorry it’s at such a difficult time for you. Can you get exemptions for the credits?

DS3 had a difficult start back at school. On a positive note I have been offered a job.

Oh hello! Can I join? Mine is not a teen quite but has had anxiety issues for around 4 or 5 years (vomiting, checking, fear of germs/contamination/causing offence, transitions and new situations/ places).

Older child more robust and suffering by association as lots of stuff gets cancelled/ is planned around anxious DC needs.

Relationship with anxious child's father is strained. He is suspicious of mental health help from the white coats and everything is an unnecessary battle... I can barely sneeze without having to negotiate with him first. Private psych help is a no go without a court order and I'm not doing that. Luckily the school is supportive.

@Goawayangryman welcome.want to tell us more?
@1bounceforward2back how on earth do you have time to work and manage everything else?<not ment unkindly>I hope it gives you a say to say break from caring for your families needs,but not at the expense of looking after yourself.

Things here continue to slide sadly,
Lil zoo had camhs yesterday<Friday>I ask worker if she might ring me in the afternoon to arrange appointments as we can no longer do fridays.she text post session saying she was planning to ring school and ask them not to ask her questions in class as this would make a huge differenc,had set homework task find 3thinfs to work on to reduce social anxiety and had discussed with lil zoo Mondays at 9 and agreed that's be good.hops that's ok....I replied we tried no cold calling in class last year,changed nothing and as you have already discussed and agreed it will be alternate Mondays there's nothing I can say really but I will bring her or all hell will break lose if I change what's been set up and agreed on....
DD is unravelling so fast I'm scared for her.she was told if fails attend assembly it's effectively trusting and must go.a huge trigger for her.shes also been told minimu 3+ hours revision nightly she's jettisoning all attempts self soothe /manageanxiety as she sees this as mandatory/law as it were and with this added pressure has become like a robot.anxious and depressed is all she feels,nothing else and her eyes look dead and she looks utterly defeated.i emailed HOY for urgent telephone meet as at this rate I fear breakdown before half term.i don't know what else to do to help her.
DS school meet was good,timetable planned and wanting him in from next Wednesday which is when another boy joins(he's a boarder though).we have a lovely mix of things to try including igsce literature,animal care(loves horses),forest school,ceramics,maths IGCSE/functional skills to top up gaps and try to make this possible,history,science,pathway to adult skills,computer aided design or food tech,art etc it's to be reviewed in a couple of weeks to se what he likes as he's not had a varied cirriculum in 5years so will be trial and error for what he wants /enjoys.lots options for independent AQA learning too.i chased up transport and no reply email.finally got hold of phone to be told as late to apply(records say July) we have a two week wait minimum before will be available.she mention minimum 30 days from application.well July to sept is more than that and the only reason it was apply so late was LEA Faffing over naming damn placement!I suspect they have overlooked it and will now be put it to tender.really annoyed,and D's us upset and plan change and fact he will be so late joining everyone will be settled and established etc.we are looking at any home learning in interim and are to get the life of pi book to start for literature class.

It's heritage weekend here this weekend so couple local places DD wants to visit are hopefully going to happen.im very tired,but plodding on.

Hope everyone's doing ok,and DC are managing best they can at school return

Apologies awful typos.my phone has gone crazy and auto correcting gobbledegook as a press send☹️

You´re up early @Stilllivinginazoo! Although I completely understand when you´re worrying. Your DD does sound very anxious and you need to remind her that the results are not the be all and end all, although it might feel like that at this point in her life. You are right to contact HOY urgently and let then know what is going on. I hope that things settle in the coming weeks.,

Sounds like DS set up is quite good. I hear you about the transport, as we are in the same boat. My DS got his placement at the UTC (Yay!!) and he is loving it. No transport arranged and the consent order has only just gone through for the finalised EHCP. So transport "overlooked" and now we are chasing - and having to do the school run. However, I am not complaining as DS LOVES his new school and just seems so happy when he comes out of the gate. This is a lad who has not had a full school year since Year 6 and did not attend any of year 9 last academic year. He has been in every day since the new term started and long may it last! The main saving grace for him was that he got his EHCP before he stopped going to school, or I don´t know where we´d be. My stress levels have been through the roof these past years - but starting to come down now. Hope yours will soon too.

Great news @MackenCheese .sadly I don't drive so D's us stuck til they sort transport as it's in the next county!(about 1hr10 by car away)

How has everyone's first full week back gone? Hope we all get to have a restful weekend!

Although LA told me over a week ago the my request for a personal budget has been processed, the charity that acts as a kind of account manager hasn't had the paperwork through so we are still unable to start eotas and desperately chasing. It's extremely frustrating as we have tutors ready to go and are paying for SALT and Art therapy that are included in the EHCP.

How is your eotas progressing @Tiktokcat? I hope its less frustrating than ours. My DD is slso worried about being left behind her peers so I get it, it's hard.

ZOO, I hope your DD is OK.
3 hours homework every night is bonkers honestly I don't think the teachers really expect that but perhaps say 3 and hope for 1??
It's too much. Her MH comes first , I hope HOY meeting goes well and that you get transport for DS sorted soon and lilzoo is ok. Going round in circles trying same things repeatedly is something CAMHS and school asked us to do, probably with best intentions but it's frustrating.

@mackencheese so pleased school is going well hope you get transport sorted.

@Viking I hope the week went better than you feared. It sounds extremely stressful. Hope you are OK.

Welcome @goawayangryman
Sorry you are going through this, I hope this thread is helpful, Ive fojnd it very supportive.The relationship with ex sounds toxic. I hope you get the support you need from school.

BOUNCE huge congratulations on your new job! They are very luck to have you, wishng you lots of luck and hope the transition to work is smooth.

Welcome goawayangryman.

Runner I would email the Director of Children’s Services threatening JR for failure to provide the provision in specified and quantified in F.

MackenCheese lovely to hear DS is happy.

Zoo I am pleased the school visit went well. Experiencing a varied curriculum will be brilliant for DS. I hope you managed to get out this weekend.

MackenCheese Zoo email the Director of Children Services about failure to provide transport. MackenCheese if you are transporting, even temporarily, you want mileage.

DS3 has asked many times this weekend if he has to go back to school tomorrow, and is disappointed the answer is always the same.

Thank you for the congratulations. I haven’t worked for many years due to DC’s needs, but it is ‘only’ 12 hours a week TTO and the majority will be flexible. I don’t know if it will work, but the opportunity is otherwise perfect so I am going to give it a go. I don’t start straight away due to checks and paperwork etc. so time to plan.

Well dd2 is drowning.my strongly worded email to HOY about aggressive approach of form tutor has resulted in a form change starting today.one her favourite teachers whom is excellent with her when she's struggling,so hoping this will help a lot.
I've been so worried I contacted consult camhs line,who for once we're amazing.she sent me a fab letter I can forward to school saying DD is awaiting a meds increase and in meantime need to be accomodating if whatever she needs until stabilised.
Lil zoo refused school declaring herself too unwell with gut issues yesterday..
DS is stressed about school changes and I was no use not ornament yesterday as was in lots pain with joints and so tired I couldn't move.
Hopefully today will be better

Can I join? Goawayangryman you situation sounds very similar to ours. Younger child gets anxious and a very similar list of symptoms. In fact now I read the list I see things I hadn’t even realised , worrying about causing offence is one I hadn’t really realised before. People are always telling me how lovely and kind he is. All the other parents at school he seems to have a reputation for being super kind and inclusive but I think it’s all part of the issues for him.
nausea, fear of vomiting, checking, etc
I find it quite difficult to know what to say to people and explain the situation. I think often others judge me and think I am passing my own anxieties to him. I have had a few friends/aquaintances suggest this is the possibility and it makes me so sad as I am desperate to try and do the right thing by him 😢

Welcome@Nabrt
Would you like to tell us more about your son and yourself?
How old is he?how long has he had difficulties?are there any Sen issues?
Do you have anyone in RL to support you,as it's very difficult caring for an anxious child?what do you do for yourself to keep you able to manage all the stress?
A lot of people who have passed through this thread have varying levels of anxiety.do we pass it on?if it's very bad,I think so.milder anxietys,I can't be sure but there's no need to beat yourself up over it.hindsight is great at making you feel bad,but doesn't help things move forward.

Dd2 new tutor(who teaches her English also) is AMAZING.said if class get too loud plug in her headphones and shut them out(listens to music),if need chat about uni we can link up in mutual frees and talk,same any worries or things she can help with assembly she can now enter at back and stand at the back so she's not "trapped".also aware of camhs MH matters most til meds are sorted approach and are on board to do whatever she needs.im super grateful to have such support there as I know if so many whose experience in school settings is no where near as good

I am sahm . Ds is 10. He has always been sensitive soul but probably had issues since around age 6. He gets on absolutely fine out and about at school etc and puts on a very confident front for everyone else, it’s just at home I get all the anxiety symptoms which leave me stressed. It’s just dh for support but mainly everything to me as he works a lot. He hasn’t eaten properly for about 3 weeks due to stress and anxiety about dh and I being away for a night. He was to stay over with family friend. The symptoms of nausea and sore tummies were so bad we were in doctor looking for a physical cause. Every week when swimming lesson comes round it’s the same, fear of vomiting in the pool. We make him go as don’t want him to think he can just opt out . I think it’s bad for them not to face the fear ? He is always fine and enjoys it once there but I feel like an awful mum trying to work out what to do and whether to let him stay home. He also seems to be fixated on death a bit , always asking me “what would happen if I ….” Would someone die if they did this , jump from something really high, drank x etc etc. I don’t really know how to handle these questions. Is this “checking”? Should I ignore or reassure? It’s just all these little things.

Runner - we still haven't heard anything from panel that sat 7 days ago about eotas funding.
I am funding one group myself until it comes through. The others she can't go to. I have a Taf meeting on Friday so will be voicing my view. Sorry you are still waiting.

1bounce - you have a job? Yay. Must go back and read details. Congrats

Zoo - take care of yourself

Welcome everyone new x

@TikTokCat hope TAF goes ok,we have one next week.
@Nabrt I try to reassure,but only one if ask again I am firm we have already discussed this (change subject).yes it is important to face fears or the world shrinks and conversely anxiety worsens as brain goes on even higher alert "looking" for potential hazards!
How do you handle his anxiety when it kicks off?do you have strategies and ideas in place for that?
It's very hard handling it on your own,I do so hope you have a stress relief option.over the years there have been many seen on these pages- from bubble baths to nail painting,reading a few pages of a book with a mug of tea to hiding in the bathroom with a bar of chocolate!I favour a walk in our local nature reserve space.fresh air and nature work for me(unless it's bitterly cold and raining then I might opt hop into bed )wrap up in a soft blanket on sofa with a book for a little bit)

Welcome Nabrt. ‘People pleasing’ can be part of anxiety. To a certain extent you do have to push otherwise anxiety breeds further anxiety and, as Zoo posted, their world shrinks. However, there is a point where pushing further is harmful. Over time you will pick up the signs you have reached that point in DS.

Zoo I am glad the form change is helping. Has DD3 gone to school today?

Tiktok Have you emailed the Director of Children’s Services? Save the invoices/receipts for things you are funding. Then once everything is settled and in place complain and then complain to the LGO.

Thank you. I do have a job for a local charity, although I haven’t started yet.

I am going to see how the TAF meeting on Friday goes 1bounce and then I think I may lose my sh*t
Let's eee how it goes.

LA tribunal officer joined our TAF meeting. Very apologetic and plans to work with our lawyer to sort eotas out very quickly.

That's a positive @TikTokCat

Welcome @narbt
Sounds very difficult but please don't blame yourself. Mum guilt is awful.
I think gently encouraging and reassuring is good.
Talk about all the times it's been ok and he hasnt been sick. Be positive, lots of praise.
As others have said their world can shrink pretty quickly , it's a balance between encouraging and pushing to hard.

@ tiktokcat, pleased your meeting went well hope you get it sorted soon.

We are , I hope, making progress, but personal budget process seems slow and I can't get anyone to explain the process to me properly , I'm told it's been
" processed"

then when I chase
" I'm told personal budget has been agreed from date of EHCP "
Next it's
" having a meeting"
then I receive an email with list of hours agreed .i.e . 17 hours tuition. But list didn't include everything .
Also doesn't Include a monetary budget.
And no mention of travel budget we asked for.
Should the travel budget be Included within the tuition or therapy budget or be separate??
They have said we can't have a PB for independent travel training as the LA do that .
Also querying sundries budget, maybe I was pushing that but was asking for it to cover text books, art materials etc and possibly a laptop.

Bounce if you have any advice I'd be so grateful!
Or any if you have recommendations of where I can find advice.

A friend she works for LA said they will only agree to pay county average so if our tutors or therapist are more expensive they wont cover costs. I'm not sure they are more expensive, but I'm now panicking, particularly as therapists are the only ones I can find and DD gets on well with them so don't want to change.
Paying for some therapy ourselves atm.
Tuition provided says she can start as they think budget will be released soon. DD had her first maths lesson yesterday which went really well, so I'm hoping there will be no spanner in the works!
The other issue is the tutoring company we found, one of the LA providers, has a centre that DD will need to go to for some core lessons due to tutor availability ( they dont have capacity to travel to pupils) DD happy to do this but she has a lesson mid afternoon for 1 hour which is impossible for me to take her to - DH said he could but he has just told me he forgot and can't do it this week!
So clearly not really workable so need to figure out a way. Centre has a minibus which may be possible to use but time is either taken from Tuition hours- which I'm not keen on and wouldnt be contrary to EHCP surely? Or charged separately. Can we get LA to fund this?

Sorry this is such a long rant . If anyone has experience or advice of PB or EOTAS I'd be so grateful.

Tiktok I hope EOTAS materialises soon.

Runner it sounds like you are being fobbed off. Email the Director of Children’s Services. Regardless of the delay with the PB DD should be receiving the provision. Part of the problem may be the third party charity holding the budget for you, not everyone is happy with them.

The travel PB won’t necessary be part of the same education PB the rest of the provision is funded via. Sometimes LAs cover transport via a separate personal transport budget. The independent travel training sounds like it can’t be disaggregated.

Is provision for anything not listed, sundries and laptop in F? If so, it must be provided. The monetary value should be in J (and maybe in F depending on the wording of what’s specified and quantified).

A friend she works for LA said they will only agree to pay county average so if our tutors or therapist are more expensive they wont cover costs.

The LA has to pay what it takes to provide the provision. If that is more than average due to availability &/or the pupil’s needs they still have to fund it. If the budget the LA are proposing isn’t enough threaten to hand control back to them to arrange and fund directly.


but she has a lesson mid afternoon for 1 hour which is impossible for me to take her to
Centre has a minibus which may be possible to use but time is either taken from Tuition hours- which I'm not keen on and wouldnt be contrary to EHCP surely?

If the tuition hours are specified and quantified in F this is unlawful. Ask the LA for funding, they should be funding it, although not necessarily via the provider’s minibus, it could be a taxi.

Have you seen your area is going to be reinspected?

@Runnerduck34 what a nightmare!good to hear she's taking small steps forward and did some maths though.how are you coping at the mo?

Thanks so much Bounce and Zoo
Yes I definitely feel fobbed off! Have asked for clarification of the PB process many times but its like sending emails into a black hole:(
Emails
give false impression its all sorted then it becomes apparent it really it isnt,
I have tried to email director of children's services and senior management but they are leaving at alarming speed and I have had no longer works for... email -twice this week!
Yes I've heard about inspection and, for what its worth will submit my views.
Interesting what you say about the charity that will hold budget-I was trying to simplify things! Can I ask who /why isnt happy?
Just want it sorted tbh! As you know the tuition provider we are using is also really in the pocket of the LA but the tutors seem great, its local and DD likes it.
But getting real impartial advice is hard.
The travel training provided by LA will be fine.

There arent any sundries/resources mentioned in EHCP but the charity who act as account managers said it sometimes included-so thought worth an ask but if we dont get it so be it.
Really want to find out more about transport-I dont mind if its
a taxi- but wasnt sure if transport would be down to us
as its EOTAS ?? As usual no information is forthcoming from LA so not clear if DDs entitled to transport but am definitely asking for funding.
Will keep trying.... thank you so much for your support
Im coping ok,thank you Zoo,
work stressful due to restructure and so is sorting out all the funding and EOTAS but DD is currently doing really well which counts for a lot!
Just hope she copes with restarting education and doesnt go backwards but we are going slowly, also
dont want her to pick up about uncertainty
about getting her to centre.

Her older sister had an ASC assessment this week, I found the parent interview difficult- shes nearly 19 and its hard to answer all the questions about early childhood accurately, plus overthink my answers about her
i dont want the report to read like a list of negative stuff mum says!
We get results Tuesday so be interesting to see if she also has ASC- i think she does but copes a lot better than she did and comes across pretty "normal" tbh

I know of 4 in your LA who have used/are using the charity who aren’t happy. Slowness is a common theme, one where the charity didn’t pass information on to the parents about something that was funded so the child didn’t receive the provision for over a year. But I know others are happy with them.

For the Director of Children’s Services are you emailing SH? Do you know any other parents with DC with EOTAS in your LA? If not, it is worth trying to get to know them. Whatever your LA say they do exist.

Unfortunately if the sundries etc. aren’t in F they aren’t enforceable, so if the LA aren’t forthcoming there isn’t anything you can do. This is something you could try to include at the next AR.

The LA may try to tell you it is, but transport isn’t your responsibility. You cannot be compelled to deliver or facilitate any part of the EHCP, you are not EHE. DD is entitled to transport which should be none stressful. The LA should be arranging transport (and an escort if necessary), or if you agree giving you mileage for some or all - don’t feel pressured into accepting this though.

I hope DD1’s results go well. I know what you mean about overthinking the answers, but I don’t think you need to worry about coming across negatively. The team will understand a large part of the assessment focuses on difficulties, and the report will be written accordingly.