Parent and carers of anxious teens(part 6)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Another thread full!!
For anyone new,these threads started as my D's had crippling anxiety in year 8( and was later diagnosed ASD)now about to start 6th form in September we have been running this quite a while!
This is a safe space to discuss the overwhelm that can engulf us,seek advice and find friendship with others in a similar position.
Please note this is a non judgemental space and respect and care of each other is at the centre of what we are here for.
Whether you want to vent and run,or hang around a while,welcome!

Zoo hurrah! Be sure to inform CTC/UC so you receive the backdated disabled child/severely disabled child element (depending on the award). Be careful with saving the PIP. If DD2 goes on to claim UC in her own right it may reduce/prevent her claiming as well as things like free dental treatment and prescriptions when she claims in her own right. And if DD2 needs any social care support it may be subject to a financial assessment.

A trampoline is a brilliant idea. DS’s use ours daily and DD2 still often gets on. It helps DS3 in particular to self regulate.

Now DD2’s application is sorted can I, nicely, prod you to apply for DLA for DD3 if you haven’t already.

Happy belated birthday to DS. I am glad the cake went down well even though it didn’t go to plan.

Hooray zoo! so pleased DD has been awarded pip.
Definitely take bounces advice and apply for DLA for DS.
Cake story made me smile! And sounded like you handled the walk well, it's so brilliant you all go out for a walk together.

Thank you zoo and bounce for your congrats re job.

Bounce you are right about DD she has come a long way, still bumps in the road but hopefully the general trajectory will keep going upwards.
You've encouraged me re taxi zoo- hopefully it will work out for DD too.
Sometimes I overthink too much and should try to be more positive.

I hope you all get to do something nice this week in run up to Christmas and it's not too stressful.

DS1 and I are having some quiet time whilst everyone else is busy playing an escape room game and so I’m sneaking 10 mins on here. DS3 has been hyper all day which hasn’t helped DS1’s anxiety.

I hope everyone is managing a relaxed evening.

Merry Christmas everyone!
I hope today brings new strength for the challenges ahead as I know for many of us have DC that don't like change they get overwhelmed.we do not live in a chocolate box world- remember that in every house this Christmas there will be wibbling adults or children as the expectations of perfect family life take hold.we are all gloriously imperfect and however Xmas looks for you and your family I hope you can have some happiness,nice food and a few minutes quiet time today.im here to remind you how bloody amazing you are❤️❤️

Ps I may have older DC now(15-19 still at home) but our cats did NOT get the memo Xmas morning doesn't start like every other day at 530 yowling for breakfast🤣🤣🤣🤣

Thank you so much, zoo, and the same to you. Just hoping to get through it with at least a few happy moments to treasure! Happy Christmas everyone!

Happy Christmas 🎄
Everyone, hope you all had a relaxing day.
DC joined in and were downstairs most of today which was lovely, just us here no visitors so low key and went at our own pace.
Hope you get a lie in tomorrow zoo !

Lie ins don't happen here runner😁
We had what I can only describe as an amazing day,only one spat between the girls which was pretty minor.was just me and then,in our own time,so no rush no plans of others just a simple routine we had pre agreed so everyone knew what was coming..stocking,breakfast,couple gifts under the tree,time to look at stuff/read books,play cards(D's got playstation playing cards) lunch<with amendments so no pressure to eat anything unfamiliar or unsure of cos it's just us it's ok to add bread to Xmas lunch,not have turkey or sprouts etc)with a party game before dessert,bit TV,bauble painting,girls did make up whilst D's coloured(downtime for all basically) then more games til teatime,TV,bed.without realising it it's a simple way we have always done Xmas but given they're older and more issues now I was surprised no one needed to escape for alone time(it was offered at interval)and when D's spoke to his dad(at work) he told him it was perfect with lots family time and really enjoyed games and everyone being together 🥰

Today my MH needs to get out and it's sunny so a little walk and I bought a gingerbread house kit for them to build before lunch will give some structure plus get out some more games

They also have a box with new wrapped games in to work thru over the next 7days(1 a day,some brand new,some rom charity shops) to encourage interaction and togetherness as they laughed more yesterday than in last couple of months.

Of course I may be delirious from lack of sleep and they may all freak and hide in rooms but I'll take it as they did so well yesterday!

So pleased you had such a good day zoo, the box of games sound a great idea- I may steal it next year. We always play board games at Xmas and I wish we played them more throughout the year as it does bring everyone together.
Enjoy your walk its a lovely sunny day here too.

Zoo Runner glad you had a nice evening day. We had a lovely day yesterday. DB and family, SIL’s DM and our friend are here. No lie ins here either Zoo, DS1 and DS3 don’t know the meaning, neither does DN3 who also has ASD.

This morning DH, DB, DC and DNs went on a bike ride. Much grumbling from DS1 (who went in the SN buggy) but he needed to get out and the rest needed to burn off some energy. DS1 is now building Lego. DS3 and DN3 are on the trampoline. DS2, DN1&2 are on the Xbox.

Like you, Zoo, we are going to play games this afternoon. DC love playing games. My friend gifted DC League of the Lexicon, which looks interesting.

Away with family with DD13 who struggles with anxiety. She's really upset that she hasn't been able to speak to anyone.

Luckily we have our own space where we're staying so she can relax and talk at me for as long as she likes. So sad for her. She couldn't even read out the joke in her cracker. It was too much.

Going home tomorrow. I'm glad we only agreed to come for a few days. It's hard for her and as hard as I try it's hard for me too.

Family have been great, but Roll on tomorrow when we can relax at home.

keep it just seems so much easier to manage at home doesn't it?
Bounce can you recommend a good sturdy trampoline(dd2 as pretty heavy set) as I said now would be great time to look for one in sales with her pip.
weve had ww3here.lil zoo and D's were teasing dd2 at lunch over a mis said word and it escalated as both are good at arguing their corner and coming out on top,tripping anyone over.she was getting upset,then spilt gaviscon on sofa and lil zoo laughed at her.by which time fighting off tears.i try comfort her say it's ok,nothing a wet cloth can't fix etc.she said going upstairs to revise(had planned to play games together) she then went other sofa and sat scoutcat.lil zoo turned and held phone towards her like go take photo so dd2 static smile await it and after a minute or so lil zoo laughing hysterically at her as was video her and thought hugely funny she was so facially still.at that point it was too much and she fled upstairs.lil zoo couldn't see why was upset.i was fuming and told them to go play on D's ps a while.theyre still there laughing and having fun.dd2 cried near an hour and now upset wasted revision time is revising and my hopes if happy families is crushed.
Think I might go out for a short walk try and reactivate my play nice button as I'm still feeling very angry and frustrated,more so as lil zoo is first throw a fit anyone makes a joke about her or she thinks are laughing at her and will refuse talk to said PERPETRATOR
for DAYShad I said anything close to a proper rebuke she wouldve storm off and refuse sit sane room as us for rest of the holidays☹️

Zoo outside we have a Plum in ground trampoline. It withstands adults on it. I think they make free standing trampolines too. Before that we had a JumpKing which was OK. Sportspower are good, DNs have one and it has lasted years. I’m not sure about any other brands, sorry. For inside we have a Bellicon, which is excellent and would be suitable.

I’m sorry your day didn’t go to plan, I hope your walk allowed you to regather. I know you say DD3 wouldn’t have taken kindly to you pulling her up and I can see why you wouldn’t want to, but I think there needs to be consequences otherwise she thinks you has ‘got away with it’.

I agree Keep, much easier at home. Having your own space whilst away is a must.

How is everyone?
I have family coming today but can't seem to shake off post Xmas blues, I don't know why.
Hopefully we will have a good day.
I agree it's much easier in your own home.
DDs tics are bad atm, just when I thought they had almost disappeared.
However she was our only DC to come and visit DHs family with us for a couple of hours and that was pretty amazing she came ( she did have a new top( corset!) she wanted to wear out so that may have been a motivating factor.
Zoo- siblings can say the cruelest things, it's a minefield.
I hope everything is settled now.
@Justgottokeepongoing
Sounds like DD did brilliantly,all things considered. not being able to talk in some situations sounds very much like my DD, who was diagnosed earlier in the year with selective/ situational mutism . Which was a surprise but then totally made sense.
Basically so anxious they literally cant speak. DD is slowly improving so it won't last forever.
Hope your Christmas break is going well bounce .

Runner I hope the family visit went ok today. DS1’s tics are worse when he is anxious, so it doesn’t surprise me DD’s have worsened with the additional stress of Christmas.

The holidays are going well. DB and family and my friend left a couple of days ago. We’ve also seen the in laws. It has worked hosting everyone at home as DC could escape when needed for some downtime. Lots of Lego building, obviously.

Bit late to post but Merry Christmas everyone!

Sounds like a mainly positive time so far?
We've had a nice break with the pressure of school removed. Gearing up for a return next week but I've managed to arrange work so I can be around more in the mornings.

I've decided I'm taking the pressure off though, will encourage and support ds to get in but will do my level best to accept whatever happens and try not to stress if it's not always successful (if anyone has any tips re this would be much appreciated as I struggle with knowing when to back off and when to keep encouraging him in).

I've just found this and desperately looking for support and for someone to understand. My dd is at Uni. She has ASD and is struggling with the course and her mental health. She is low in mood and keeps melting down over Christmas. She doesn't want to be home or at Uni. I am finding it difficult to know how to support her and I'm ashamed to say I've had a bit of a meltdown myself because I'm struggling to cope with directing and supporting her since September. Of course I'm happy to do it but it's taking its toll on me and I'm now very low and anxious and struggling to not cry every day. I just want to hide away and not see anyone and just sleep. Does anyone have any ideas on how to support her in an effective way? She will be having counselling at Uni when she returns which is good. Or is there anyone that can relate to our situation? Wishing everyone all the best and thank you.

Pleased you are having a good Christmas bounce, agree an escape route for anxious DC is good to have!
Had a good day with family today, bit stressful doing the catering but once that was done had a really relaxing time.
@moggyd that's sounds really hard. My mood is often linked to how well DD is doing- I know it shouldn't be but it is - so I totally get how it can impact you.
I would remove all pressure and expectation from DD. Try not ask too many questions, chat about lighthearted things, watch TV together, try and get her to go for walk with you, play games. Try and listen to her without judgement.
I would also consider going to GP and asking about medication (for both of you )as the right medication can turn things round although it does take time to find the right one and dose so not a quick fix.
If she can't manage uni right now it's not the end If the world ( even if it feels like it) so I wouldn't pressure her to go back. If she does return I would set a date to visit her and let her know it's not the end of the world if uni doesn't work out, her MH is more important. Ask her to give uni student support permission to talk to you and for you to be able to contact them on her behalf so you are in the loop.
Try and do something just for you, exercise, reading whatever it is try and find some time to unwind to look after yourself.
@takingtime2 I think stepping back and accepting you can't always get them into school is a good move although much easier said than done, rejigging work for a later start will hopefully remove extra stess and pressure.
I am still walking a tightrope with DD about when to push and when to back off and accept its not happening. I think giving yourself a cut off point and if they haven’t made a move to go in by x time accept it and move on.
Sometimes is obvious shut down, complete withdrawal, pushing aka gentle encouragement! never works when my DDs like this.
Tbh pushing her to do anything rarely works!! Although sometimes I think it is worth trying.
I usually say go for x time and I'll come and pick you up but only make promises you can keep and dont move the goal posts. Removing as much uncertainty as possible also helps my DD.
Unfortunately a lot of this is out of your control which is really hard when you realise you can't fix it so don't blame yourself if it doesn't go to plan. Good luck.

@Runnerduck34 thanks so much for your reply and for the very good advice. I do need to take a step back in not asking her what's wrong all the time. It doesn't help and just makes her more upset. I will talk to her about seeing the GP too. I just feel wrung out. DP has also had a crap Christmas because of it all too so I also feel guilty about that!

Moggyd Is DD receiving support via DSA? Has she spoken to her personal tutor and disability services? A leave of absence is a possibility if DD needs some time away.

Takingtime2 it’s a hard balance between pushing enough so you don’t get into a vicious cycle of avoidance but not too much that you cause further harm. Over time you will learn DS’s individual signs of when you have reached the tipping point. Sadly, this won’t be without sometimes getting it wrong (both ways) - no one can get it right a 100% of the time, which is hard to accept.

Runner not being able to fix things is one of the hardest parts for me.

Thank you runner and bounce

Sometimes is obvious shut down, complete withdrawal, pushing aka gentle encouragement! never works when my DDs like this

This is a very good point, actually on the days he hasn't gone in at all it's been pretty obvious from the minute he's woken up that nothing I can say or do will help in the moment.

Good point bounce re the tightrope, that's exactly it I don't want to make staying home the easy option but also don't want to add additional pressure to him....

Wishing you all a very happy new year

@1bounceforward2back thank you. Yes she is in contact with DSA and wellbeing department. Unfortunately her tutor is useless and the wellbeing dept hasn't been great either. She has been offered counselling now though when she gets back. She is a terrible procrastinator too which causes all sorts of distress. She can't handle time with no arrangements made which makes life difficult. I try to keep her occupied as much as I can.

moggyd runner has provided excellent advice,I can't really add much to
Welcome.have you got any RL support to turn to?what do you do for yourself each day.its difficult and draining being "on the case"24/7 and in my experience dropping things I need for myself cos I "don't have time" inevitably causes the card house to tumble!

Not doing great here tbh.
DS is extremely irritable,and he's not getting enough sleep either which is making things much worse.hes messing around til well after midnight(I'm out cold by then,as I often wake in the early hours and don't sleep again)and then tired and grumpy all day.
Lil zoo is stroppy,not taking meds every day and insisting on real chocolate.im certain this is slowing her digestion but she won't be told and holds such intense grudges it's a case if pick my battles.had camhs but didn't do much,never spoke what happened."accidently" forgot RCADS again...
Dd2 is angry,exhausted and 100%a nervous wreck lurching one panic attack to the next.we are still awaiting adult services support,so floating in the wind without any help it's all on my shoulders as meds change is what we need most as support with regulating emotions.
Barely sleeps if not on me panics through every bite of food (which then makes me anxious and I'm off mine at best of times when stressed) and is needing huge amounts reasurances and comfort.
I cracked yesterday and we as so close walking awa to from everything into the ether I was in complete overload.has three warnings this week where I've cried and been unable function at all so I know I'm drowning under all of it,but i do not want social services involved as it's an added pressure so it's a case try work out how best to keep going.the exhaustion doesn't help,nor the I can look after myself or the kids or the house.nit all three at once☹️
She's ordered a mini trampoline,a camera off eBay and some new trainers with her money so far!

@Stilllivinginazoo thank you. Sorry to hear you're having a bad day. I know that feeling of wanting to disappear for a bit. Sounds like you've got your hands full. I think it's the mental load all the time that's hard too.

Oh zoo, I've just seen this, I'm so sorry it has been such a difficult time.
I hope when everything returns to normal routines it will get easier.
Looking after 3 anxious teens 24/7 at home by yourself would push anyone to their limits and beyond.
How are you today?

I hope 2023 brings joy and respite to everyone on this thread.
Happy New Year everyone