Parent and carers of anxious teens(part 6)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Another thread full!!
For anyone new,these threads started as my D's had crippling anxiety in year 8( and was later diagnosed ASD)now about to start 6th form in September we have been running this quite a while!
This is a safe space to discuss the overwhelm that can engulf us,seek advice and find friendship with others in a similar position.
Please note this is a non judgemental space and respect and care of each other is at the centre of what we are here for.
Whether you want to vent and run,or hang around a while,welcome!

Everything I could think of to add runner has already mentioned❤️but, welcome takingtime2.

Not been a good day here - lil zoo went in on understanding still in lots pain would come home.school rang say only release it went hospital.dad was drafted to do this.he wasn't on good form(depression and anxiety himself) and wasn't pay full attention then they ask urine sample.instead explaining she won't use a loo and could they drop sample at g.p he just left with her saying I'm not sit there all night when she won't do it.i was expected to feed back to school how it went,which I did.she then rang hospital who confirmed attended but said the overview I gave(as dad had said happened on phone) wasn't correct and as left without sorting her issues were issuing a MASH to social services as safeguard flag and school advised to do same...just what I need on top everything else!

In better news though dd2 completed her personal statement and it's very very good. very proud of her as it's made her very anxious as wanted it to be just right

Thank you runner and zoo you were so helpful when I posted before

I'm a bit calmer now thanks, think I was just extremely triggered tonight. We've been down cahms route before, ds doesn't engage at all unfortunately. Think we have pinpointed an incident at school recently which has contributed, I'm speaking to sendco hopefully tomorrow so can discuss further. He's had lots of support offered at school but hates the timeout area etc so doesn't really utilise the options available, he would just rather not go in at all!

No diagnosis/ehcp currently but maybe something to consider depending on how things go (and I may well be asking for some advice

I do have support, dh and close family. I really like your comments re not blaming myself or ds and recognising we've dealt with it before and can do so again.

Work is a big stressor for me, I have a stressful role with a lot of responsibility. I struggled to focus today.

@takingtime2
I hope you are feeling a bit stronger this morning,your day is calmer and school meeting helpful - hang in there!
I have spent a lot of time trying to "fix" everything for ( and probably including) my DD in the hope she will get "better" but I've had to accept, that although i still do whatever i can, a lot of it is actually out of my control and its not my fault or hers.

Zoo- how so very frustrating and annoying I'm sorry you can't rely on DCs dad to help. I get he has his own MH issues but it doesn't make it easier for you.
I don't know what MASH is but although it sounds worrying I hope they might actually be able of offer help.
How is lilzoo this morning?

Brilliant news re DDs personal statement, they are a nightmare to write, I'm pleased that's been done so less pressure on that front.
When she submits her ucas application , from memory- theres a tick box for has additional needs/ disability/will apply for DSA( I can't remember exact wording) but tick this box! Theres also another tick box/ question for her to give permission for you to act on her behalf - talk to her tutors / support staff and for them to contact you if they are concerned so make sure you tick those boxes!
When applications for student finance open also.apply for dsa, which will ensure DD has mentoring and/ or counselling support and any equipment she might need to make life easier, recording/ notes taking devices etc.

It means Multi Agency Safeguarding Hub..
Yes a safeguarding referral☹️
Thanks for extra tips runner for application.ice no idea what I'm doing as I never did uni and dd1 has help from friend her dad's who went uni to process her application so I wasn't involved in that.

Lil zoo pains very bad.managed get our family g.p callback.hes go have a look at her at 430(was happy to just do a script but given yesterday's shenanigans I wanted her looked at properly,so going weigh her just check no other issues like sudden weight loss he needs be aware of and feel her tummy)and put her back on laxido disempaction then maintenance .that'll mean more time off as pretty unpleasant initially painful and unpredictable but she's gone it before and knows what you expect

Welcome back Takingtime.

I agree with Runner about applying for an EHCNA. Even if the SENCO isn’t supportive I would still apply. In addition to this if DS can’t attend school full time the LA should make alternative arrangements to ensure DS receives a suitable, full time education. This should begin once it becomes clear DS will miss 15 days - the days don’t need to be consecutive or already missed.

It is likely DS not engaging is can’t rather than won’t engage. He needs a different approach to help him get to a point where he can engage. In many areas you can self refer to CAMHS. You can also self refer to Early Help.

Is taking parental leave possible?

Zoo I’m sorry yesterday was so difficult and DC’s DF wasn’t more helpful. I hope the GP appointment went OK. Well done to DD2 for finishing her personal statement. I agree with Runner (again!) re DSA. DD2 receives support via that.

It has been a long day with DS1.

Hope you got some sleep bounce.totally sympathise on the long days,dd2 makes for very very long ones mostly...
We have laxido.had yo laugh at school saying oh great so should be back in before mid week..erm.NO.last time took 4 days before anything moved,and was about 10/12 til reliably going daily!

Thanks zoo I'm going to see what next week brings, he went in today with no issues (but it is the end of the week). I've had to take time off before from work for this and sadly they weren't supportive, I am looking for another job though.

I need to manage my emotions better around this, I'm full of admiration for how you are all coping with challenging situations

takingFind an outlet,something that resets you.could be journaling,exercise of some kind,time to do something you love(read ,paint nails etc) and vent your worries to someone you trust,or here❤️.do not hold it in.
And don't for one minute think we all have it Sussed all of the time.i have days everything goes wrong and I am reactive,not proactive!

Also meant to say thank you bounce very helpful post

How is everyone?
DD15 has had a up and down week, some real positives, and some downs which still(!) has the capacity to leave me blindsided especially when I think things are going so well.

DD19 had follow up appointment with GP re not eating enough.
Her referral to MH services has been turned down, she doesnt meet criteria even though her bmi is 16. Due to how she presents (she doesn't think she's fat) they think its linked to her autism possible ARFID.
Blood test results all normal.
GP recommended about searching for private therapy as she said there was no help available on nhs.
GP told DD she needs to increase her food intake and gain weight. This is very hard to implement. She is soo fussy , doesn't like lots of foods and always says she's not hungry.
She's starting a new part time job today and feeling nervous, shes always been a very anxious person. I'm wondering if we should have asked about medication to take edge off anxiety and possibly if this in turn will help her to eat.

Im.both shocked and saddened help wasn't forthcoming runner(but then dd2 friend who is going to do so ial care at uni next year is volunteering at local hospital as befriending volunteer.yesterday was first shift and was caring for rather than chatting to elderly patients as so short staffed.she hadn't signed up for that,but couldn't really say no so that was a bit of a shock for her)
Things here lurch onwards.dd2 is a mess,no other words for it meltdowns a plenty,I'm exhausted with it all.she keeps saying no one believes she's mentally ill when she does some things and then she questions if she's making it all up and has another meltdown
DS is agitated.lil zoo is being very slow upping laxido doses.had 2 yesterday morning,today it's 2 in the morning,one at night then two at night then 3at both increasing daily til we have a liquid poo.shes got some discomfort so have wait and see.wasnt happy school spoke to camhs about the hospital incident and absenteeism and they ask about it all on phone consult today...

Runner if your area’s eating disorder service can’t help your ICB need to pay for an out of area service. I know it’s a distance from you, and I don’t know whether they ever did, but Bolton were going to set up a specialist adult ARFID service. Would DD drink supplements?

DS1 had a bad end to last week, but the weekend wasn’t too bad.

Not the best week so far this week, made it in for two days but anxiety is definitely increasing and he had a panic attack this am so he's at home while I'm at work.

Sendco ringing tomorrow. Can I ask advice re the EHCP process? Can I start this even if this is an intermittent problem? What do I need to do to get the ball rolling? What are the benefits of having one in place?

Hope everyone else's week is going ok

Takingtime You can apply for an EHCNA yourself. IPSEA have a model letter you can send to the LA. The benefit of an EHCP is it is a legal document that sets out DC’s needs and the provision required to meet those needs. It is the only way to guarantee provision and can include provision that DC wouldn’t otherwise receive. The EHCNA process can also ensure DS’s needs are assessed, which can highlight hidden needs.

DS’s needs are always there even if the school refusal is intermittent. If DS received more support and the provision he needed all the time life would be easier and the school refusal may well reduce.

Thank you bounce, day off tomorrow so will do some reading on this.

@1bounceforward2back I need advice.dd2 is struggling so bad,but really wants at least try and do the mocks after Xmas...isn't in school currently,but WFH on coursework(4,000 words history essay in progress).I asked school if she has sit in big room with everyone and they saying yes,no other options.ive asked why this is the case as I'm uncertain how it lies in the reasonable adjustments for mental wellbeing?

Hope bounce is around to reply soon zoo but I'm shocked school said no.
All my DC sat exams in a smaller room, 2 for dyslexia and 1 for anorexia.
My son did sit his mocks in the hall though due to room availability/ staffing which was a bit rubbish.
Why have they said no?
I think they need to request special arrangements by this Friday - at least that's the deadline Ive been told for youngest DDs GCSEs.
Tbh the school sound a bit rubbish, I'm sorry they aren't supporting DD more, for what it's worth I think it's a totally reasonable request given DDs history of anxiety.
I would escalate the request to headteacher and, if not already in place, ask for special arrangements for real exams too.

Zoo Separate invigilation within the centre is possible if it is the normal way of working. The school don’t need to make an access arrangements application for it like they do for some other access arrangements such as extra time. You can read JCQ’s access arrangement guidance here. It includes a link to more information about separate invigilation.

Runner the deadline for applying for those access arrangements that require an application is 31st January for modified papers and 21st March all others that need applying for.

DS1 is not liking the cold weather.

@1bounceforward2back the exams it covers listed at top of link don't include a levels☹️
I have queried via email why they do not consider this reasonable adjustments and am hoping for a reply asap but am aware there's a lot of staff illness etc at the moment so I may not get a reply before Xmas break up.

The link says reasonable adjustment for assessments,but not for actual exams(if I am reading that right.my brains addled from lack of sleep)

Dd2has induction at museum as a volunteer at 11.we have been awake a lot of the night with anxiety/restless sleeping...she's not been in school in a week,but almost completed her 4,000 history coursework assignment.no revision started yet,as she's battling to stay afloat of coursework.im a bit annoyed their mocks are right after Xmas break so she's literally got the hols for revising not rest and and enjoying time off but nothing I can do about that.

Lil zoo is becoming a nightmare child.we had rows yesterday over books for Xmas(can't see why tender is the flesh/perfume of a murderer are unacceptable,stating she's seen one as a film online anyway)complaining wants fringe but I cannot afford a professional cut and am not willing to do the specific she wants myself knowing esp if she change mind once it's done will be hell to live with til it grows out,and a very specific shelf unit for her desk I'm pretty saw she saw on Pinterest and you literally cannot get ANYWHERE.nothing else is acceptable.im tired of trying to achieve the virtual impossible and when things aren't to her exacting standards she won't have anything to do with them and considers me unreasonable(and likes to argue her case as she's the skills of a vicious defense lawyer at debating and knows can tie my middle aged fogged brain in a knot within seconds thus rendering my reasoning invalid in her mind and gets very angry/sulks and holds it against you indefinitely if she feels wronged)
.
DS not loving the run up to Xmas at school(routine changes) he's holding up with the weather(deffo copes better cold than hot) but not happy about it and he refuses point blank to have warm drinks,even hit chocolate anymore and cold milk on cold cereal within a cold house(temp in here this week's averaging at 10oc most of the time,heatings on couple hours to 18.nights are bitterly cold).he also hates duvets now so has 5blankets and I feel very guilty about the house not being warm enough as I think dd2 has reynauds as her fingernsils are blue a lot so she's taken to wearing gloves indoors and three pairs of socks...
DS birthday on Sunday(17) and funds as they are I can't get a gift til Thursday,and typically what he wants requires Amazon (specific set books can't find elsewhere) so be a wing and a prayer if it arrives on time...he hadn't really got any hobbies or hyper fixations so Xmas has been hard too this year.so far he has a pair of PJ's (same as the girls)awaiting a book to come,some chocolate and I think I may have found a card game he might like(again Amazon,it's called mantis).

Hope everyone else is ok.
Sorry I seem to be on a constant offload/whingefest...

Zoo The JCQ guidance does cover A level exams, A levels are GCE exams.

Apologies for not replying properly, in a rush and don’t know whether I will get back on today or not.

Apologies for my brief post this morning and not replying properly. It’s been a long, busy day.

Zoo you don’t need to apologise for offloading, that is what the thread is for.

I hope DD2’s induction went well. Mocks after Christmas is unfortunately a common time to hold them.

Are you claiming everything you are entitled to and applied for DLA for DD3? And if you haven’t switched yet check whether you would be better off on UC, many with disabled DC are. If you would like any help with checking or signposting to grants etc. feel free to ask either on the thread or via PM. Would DS accept a sleeping bag?

For DD3’s shelf for Christmas can you put it back on her, give her a budget and ask her to send you a link to the one she would like. I’m sorry, I know it’s not funny but your line about arguing with a lawyer made me laugh. I have one of those who can run rings around me in arguments, except mine is DH and a solicitor (although not criminal defence and sadly not education either). Thankfully we don’t argue often.

Morning everyone, how are you all?
Zoo- wishing your DS a happy birthday. I hope he has a good day.
Did you have any luck with resolving DDs access arrangements for exams?
I hope now school has broken up things are a bit calmer.
I'm sorry it's all so stressful right now with gifts/ finances / heating.
But you are a wonderful caring mum and that's truly worth more than any gift even if it may not feel like it and doesn't make it any easier.
I hope you take up bounces offer of help re checking benefit entitlement, you must claim everything you can to make life that little bit easier.
Does DCs dad pay any maintenance. I remember that relationship is tricky. I hope he provides financial support.

I've now got 2 weeks off for xmas- hooray! But have hurt my back ( wrapping presents while sitting on the floor !) and am in pain- feel like I'm 100.

I went for a promotion at work and got it,start in the new year but now I've got a serious case of imposter syndrome and worrying if I've bitten more off than I can chew as caring for DD takes up a lot of time and headspace.

DD is very up and down, some days she does brilliantly other days she's withdrawn and won't do her tutoring.
She is being put in for her maths gcse and this has really triggered her anxiety.
They asked her to choose between foundation and higher papers, this is a girl who has PDA.
They recommended the higher paper but them saying how well she is doing just puts another expectation/ demand on her so she gets even more anxious .
She has finally decided to do higher paper but after giving her a deadline of last Friday they have now said she doesn't need to decide until mid Jan - which actually isn't helpful as it just prolongs the anxiety .
She is due to start having a taxi to and from Tuition centre from January which in theory should make my life easier but I suspect in reality may make it harder as I'm not convinced she will actually get in the taxi so it may just make it more stressful- but hopefully not!

Hope you all have a good week

Congratulations on the promotion Runner. Banish that imposter syndrome! I hope your back is feeling better.

I’m sorry the prospect of exams and decisions around them are causing DD anxiety. When times are difficult, as transport starting may be, remember how far you have come this year, from accessing no provision to now accessing several hours. It’s a long process and there will be bumps along the way with difficult times.

Last week was busy here, but this week is quieter. One more appointment left before Christmas later in the week. DS3 is rather hyper and anxious in equal measure.

Congrats on the promotion runner.I know it's different,but I never thought D's would master taxis and he's travelling 11/2 hours each way now...

Hope everyone's finding Xmas anxieties easier than school day ones!

Got a call yesterday dd2 has been awarded pip and as backdated to claim date(July) it will be a "substantial amount".I've told her has save most in case does uni to cushion her/avoid need to work and study but we are agreed on a trampoline in the spring and she's adamant needs some craft things and new squishmallow toys!

All the usual going on here.im not ready for Xmas and feeling very tired,but we plod on.ds spent most his birthday gaming.my scales broke,so his cake failed.i tried again next day and forgot line tins so it stuck and crumbled...luckily he found that very funny and I just gave them the tin and forks and dollops of jam and buttercream.i suspect this will become an ingrained family legend like tale of mums cooking disaster🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Also I believe lil zoo had a massive panic attack this morning.i insisted she come out for a walk with rest of us kept dawdling say tummy hurt then she started cry and holding a wall.i kept walking as seen it before as walk avoidance,but got worse I walked back and she cowered saying don't hit ir shout at me(no idea where that came from)gasping she couldn't breathe and ds was try hold her shoulders attempt calm her.i did bring her down(well practised with dd2)and she cried to go home,which I refused stating her brain will link it and she will become scared to go out/be out if it happens again,plus she needs stop just lay in bed all day as doesn't help he gut motility.she had scowl on entire walk but dd2 and D's enjoyed the sunshine and trip down near the river/into countryside so 2 out of 3 is a success in my book!