How bad was this set of experiences?

[lljkk]

Take it as read that I'm an insensitive cowbag. It's just that... someone told me a story about another person today, how "terrible" a time he had in last 2 years.

I thought it wasn't that bad. I mean, it's bad, but it's not horrendous. Am I being my usual insensitive self, or was this especially awful set of experiences:

Person is 37 yo. In last 2 years...

• Good physical health

• Lost job he loved due to covid restrictions but

+ has family money, probably employed again now, too

• 1 parent died

+ one parent remaining with whom they have good relationship)

• Wife finished marriage (not due to OM)
• Wife soon found a boyfriend
• Wife's dad died

+ 2 healthy children + Amicable relations with ex-wife & both kids

Life is not a misery competition. But I read stories on MN daily, don't I, of people who have had much more stressful times in last 2 years. Is that a merely pissy set of events, or is it truly terrible?

So he lost a parent, a parent in law, his job, and his marriage? I'd say that was pretty crappy

I dunno. He lost a parent and an in-law, a job and his marriage. Sounds like a shitty time to me.

What?! He's lost his job, been bereaved AND his wife has left him. How traumatic do you want it?

Cowbag

Haha, cross post @CMOTDibbler. We said almost word for word the exact same thing. 😂

Surely this is a reverse? No one can think losing your job, bereavement and divorce are not bad. I bet with the divorce came a house move as well.

Sorry, what exactly do you want to happen for it to be suitably shit enough?

And writing a post like this in this section invalidates anyone who comes on here needing support who is literally not being tortured.

Its not just insensitive, it’s nasty.

I would think most people would be struggling after that. Aren’t they 3 of the most stressful events you could have? And to happen in such a small time frame.

I think that's a really terrible 2 years!

Either losing a parent, the job you love, or your marriage ending would be bad enough, but to have all 3 plus the death of someone else they cared about really is a lot!!

No matter how amicable the split I assume they also don't now live with their children full time which would also be tough. Plus all of this going on alongside the other covid crap we've all been dealing with.

Just out of interest what would you consider to be a tough 2 years?!?

WTF? It's a terrible year. Just because he's got some family money doesn't negate job loss, bereavement and his marriage ending. What more do you want to happen to him for you to have some sympathy?

Don't you expect your parents to die sometime, especially after you turn 30 (or was it just me, alcoholic cigarette smoking depressive mother)?

I suppose I read here (esp. this topic) about people who are battling with doing anything all the time because of chronic mental health conditions.

Plus they have kids with severe problems (endless list)

Plus they have their own severe physical health woes

Plus they have terrible relationships, abusive partners

Plus they have awful money troubles

Plus their parents died when they were young, or they have to go NC due to abusive relatives

Plus nasty neighbours, or bullying workplace, or school and doctors that won't listen

Am I wrong to think many people are juggling all of above?

Well, unless you went round and TOLD him you thought it was 'not horrendous', then I don't suppose it matters what you think inside your own head. But really, there must be quite a void where empathy should reside.

I think you are incredibly insensitive tbh. I hate it when people have the attitude there's always someone worse off. Probably plenty of people worse off it doesn't invalidate his feelings just because there are others worse off. Are you seriously suggesting because he lost one parent and still has the other it's not too bad? Also a parent in law, his job and his marriage. That's a dreadful set of experiences and just one of those could be enough to tip some people over the edge

I'm juggling A LOT. You would view it as more than your "friend" doesn't mean I have to be suicidal and he has to be sweetness and light. We all deal with things differently. If it were my friend I'd be going out of my way to support them not botching about them behind their back

I lost my dad on 23rd December - called to hospital to say he'd taken a turn for the worst. He'd already died when I got there.

February 8th my 40 year old cousin hanged himself. My auntie found him.

February 28th my mum died. I sat by her bedside for 26 hours until she passed.

None of these were 'expected'. And no, it actually doesn't make any difference if you were expecting it. It hurts like all kinds of fucking hell.

I think the problem with the kind of attitude that it's not 'bad enough' is that it makes it very difficult for those that are struggling to feel that they are worthy of help. I'm severely depressed/suicidal and one of the main areas I struggle with is not feeling like I 'should' feel like this and that everyone has their own shit to deal with and I should just be better at dealing with my own shit. About half my therapy sessions are my therapist trying to convince me that I'm not just an incapable human.

Painful life experiences don't really work like that. There's not a uniform scale from one to ten where e.g. 'death of a parent after 30' is experienced as a 4 by everyone. Everyone's suffering is relative to their own situation and their own personal levels of resilience. So yes, objectively speaking, some of the situations you are talking about are worse than what this man went through, but his experience isn't objective, it is by nature completely subjective, and for him he had a really bad year. FWIW, I think objectively speaking he had a really bad year too. I hate 'suffering top trumps'. It's so insensitive and reductive.

Unequivocally an absolute cow bag yes. Have you no heart?

Just because some are juggling some/all of the above, it doesn’t mean his feelings are less. So on the flip side of “life is not a misery competition”, it’s perfectly ok to say he’s had a rough 2 years. The death of a parent in itself, is massive- especially when there was a good relationship between them (which I’m just presuming), so add divorce (another life changing event) AND the death of an in-law, it is a lot.

Lost house, parent, made homeless (still after 2 years) and insurance wont pay £50k in debt.....

Oh gosh, this is awful. I'm so sorry you're going through this. That certainly was an awful year and I hope things start to look up soon. I'm very sorry indeed.

Thanks. Unfortunately despite having full insurance the company are not paying and just keep sending legal letters with reasons. I cannot 'make them' part with their money and I have tried for so long but total waste of time. Its insane. i never thought Id be in this position and there is literally nothing I can do. MP said they would help and find accommodation - never heard back. So that's 'Great' Britain. I have met people in much worse situations and living in tents etc literally starving....Tried to help but the services are terrible and ignore them.
Anyway what can you do

PS. I have written to them and visit their offices and been polite to ask for help and its just like banging head on a brick wall. They take your info and say they will get back to you and never do. Happy to take you money but not to help in a genuine emergency. I would name the company but....i dont think we can

The parent I lost would have wanted me to carry on fighting which i have but these corporations have time and money and drag things out an wear people down hoping they will go away. At some point you have to stop as it will destroy you. Its like going up against a faceless enemy. ugh They can literally break the law and get away with it.

I think you may need to look into why you invalidate other peoples issues. Are you the sort of person who thinks you always have it worse than everyone else even when you probably don't?

Were you starved of attention & empathy as a child? I would seek some therapy. Just the fact you took the time to write this to invalidate someone else is quite a 🚩.