To not know where to start when my life, body and mind are all a bit of a mess?

[SynchOrSwim]

I don't even know where to start when explaining.

Marriage is pretty much over but I haven't officially said I want to leave as I'm so worried about how it will effect DD, how he will behave and I just don't feel mentally/emotionally strong enough at the mo.

I'm on edge all the time. Often cry at my desk when I'm working from home. Tried self referring myself for therapy but I didn't know what to say!

I want to get a better paid job before I become a single mum but it's hard dealing with job apps and interviews when my head is such a mess.

I'm obese. I comfort eat due to my home situation and struggle to fit in exercise as I'm either working or parenting until nearly 9pm by which point I'm knackered and screw myself over further by staying up too late and eating.

I know eating better and exercising regularly will improve my mental health but I feel like I need more time plus better mental health to do these things. Just feel a bit stuck.

Any suggestions on what to tackle first?

by which point I'm knackered and screw myself over further by staying up too late and eating

This. Commit to eating something that contains good vitamins and get some proper sleep. You can do nothing properly if tired and under-nourished.

Good luck

Just realised I probably shouldn't have posted this in AIBU when I'm feeling rubbish. How do I get it moved to chat?

Your weight and general eating, definitely.

@carefullycourageous

by which point I'm knackered and screw myself over further by staying up too late and eating

This. Commit to eating something that contains good vitamins and get some proper sleep. You can do nothing properly if tired and under-nourished.

Good luck

I'm such an introvert though, the thought if not having any time to myself is horrifying!

@Ponoka7

Your weight and general eating, definitely.

I find it difficult to tackle this though when my life and mental health are such a mess. I feel like I'm in a viscious circle and I can't work out how/where/when to break it.

I think if you report it you can ask for it to be moved.
I would commit to one thing at a time to change because otherwise it will be completely overwhelming. I don't know what your financial situation is like, but could you stretch to something like second nature that helps you change your habits one at a time?

It might help you to feel less overwhelmed working through their programme one step at a time

@nonevernotever

I think if you report it you can ask for it to be moved. I would commit to one thing at a time to change because otherwise it will be completely overwhelming. I don't know what your financial situation is like, but could you stretch to something like second nature that helps you change your habits one at a time?

I'm really trying not to spend money due to impending single motherhood! What's Second Nature?

I had really let my health suffer due to unhappy job situation. I wasn’t sleeping and eating rubbish. I started taking a multivitamin daily , drinking lots of water and taking very small steps to eat more fruit and veg. I realised after a few weeks that I have lost a little weight, hair is shinier and I feel more energetic. Next step is using body lotion and hand cream as I suffer from dry skin. The lotion / body butter makes me much more comfortable which helps me to relax . Small steps . And don’t beat yourself up when you slip.

@SynchOrSwim being honest, you have to want to change. You won't get a magic answer on here, or a consensus really. You have had three suggestions and given three immediate rejections.

What do you want to do about it, what do you want to tackle first?

Having recently separated I would say forget about trying to lose weight for now, it will happen when things are more settled and you're happier. I would focus on not staying up so late, get more sleep and put all your effort into securing a better job asap.

@Ohhelpmetoo

I had really let my health suffer due to unhappy job situation. I wasn’t sleeping and eating rubbish. I started taking a multivitamin daily , drinking lots of water and taking very small steps to eat more fruit and veg. I realised after a few weeks that I have lost a little weight, hair is shinier and I feel more energetic. Next step is using body lotion and hand cream as I suffer from dry skin. The lotion / body butter makes me much more comfortable which helps me to relax . Small steps . And don’t beat yourself up when you slip.

I do need to drink more water! Have never taken multivitamins as I feel like it's a cop out and I should actually be eating better so I don't need one but maybe it would be a good idea initially, thanks.

I'd tackle diet first. That will help you to feel better physically, so in turn, mentally. Then tackle the rest of the list in priority order.

Honestly, this isn't what you want to hear but you MUST tackle the relationship first. If it's really not working then it's the root of all the other issues. Move on, get yourself and DC out of the situation. If you're worries about anger then rent something and move in. If not then have an honest talk and say it's over. Work out a plan re house if you own it. Everything else will start to improve once you deal with this. It's a huge source of unhappiness and pain, for everyone. Good luck.

[quote carefullycourageous]@SynchOrSwim being honest, you have to want to change. You won't get a magic answer on here, or a consensus really. You have had three suggestions and given three immediate rejections.

What do you want to do about it, what do you want to tackle first?[/quote]
I don't know. I feel like I put so much energy into holding it together and not breaking down in front of colleagues/DD that once she's in bed and I plan to exercise, pre-prepare lunch, go to bed early etc I just end up crying on the sofa instead.

I think going to bed earlier would be the best thing to start with but I always tend to wait until DH is asleep. I realise I'm not exactly helping myself but I just feel so overwhelmed.

Relationship first. If you are an emotional eater then the bad relationship isn't going to help you break out of the pattern.
Re exercise, you could do worse than start with yoga. I am not talking about the super advanced type, but a nice gentle nurturing practice (there is even such a thing as seated yoga). Find a class with a lovely chunk of meditation at the end.

@VioletLemon

Honestly, this isn't what you want to hear but you MUST tackle the relationship first. If it's really not working then it's the root of all the other issues. Move on, get yourself and DC out of the situation. If you're worries about anger then rent something and move in. If not then have an honest talk and say it's over. Work out a plan re house if you own it. Everything else will start to improve once you deal with this. It's a huge source of unhappiness and pain, for everyone. Good luck.

I can't afford to just rent something. It's not as easy as 'just leave'. I don't know how he'll react, I don't think I'll be able to hold it together through the process but I have a job and a child,who I am almost completely responsible for, so I can't fall apart.

@Soffit

Relationship first. If you are an emotional eater then the bad relationship isn't going to help you break out of the pattern. Re exercise, you could do worse than start with yoga. I am not talking about the super advanced type, but a nice gentle nurturing practice (there is even such a thing as seated yoga). Find a class with a lovely chunk of meditation at the end.

I do YouTube yoga videos sometimes but actual classes require time and money.

There are some good YouTube options (hello Yoga With Tim ) but you don't get the long, group meditation at the end which is arguably the most beneficial part when you need some healing. Many places run donation yoga where you pay whatever you can afford.

@Soffit

There are some good YouTube options (hello Yoga With Tim ) but you don't get the long, group meditation at the end which is arguably the most beneficial part when you need some healing. Many places run donation yoga where you pay whatever you can afford.

Maybe a yoga video followed by a meditation video?

I can't really go out to a class as DD is too young to be left alone?

I usually go for yoga with Adriene. How regularly and for how long do you need to do yoga to notice a body/mind difference? I'm not talking about weight I mean physically feeling less tense and achy?

I've filled up a litre bottle of water and am carrying it around with me!

I would say the job first actually if you can. My unhappy marriage ended recently. I would say that stress was absolutely contributing to my ill health and weight. Now I’m on my own I batch cook, I use those foil pots with lids or takeaway tubs so I can freeze and defrost a sensible portion. Now people are commenting that I’ve lost weight (I don’t actually weigh myself because it triggers bingeing for me) and I know I’m slimmed down. My STBXH did some of the cooking and he tended to give huge portions, he also frequently went towards processed foods, quick and easy. I cook more from scratch now (or even if I do something like chilli with frozen rice the chilli will be from scratch). I’m less inclined to binge now because I’m less miserable.
I would also look at what’s available activity wise locally. I found a local gym that was offering free membership for a select time and in my local area there’s free gym membership if your BMI is over 30 via the GP.
So yes, I would tackle your unhappy circumstances first. Try and find a job and get yourself sorted. The rest is likely to come easier after that.

Oh and I had individual counselling before I embarked on any major changes. I’d been in a controlling relationship for so long I couldn’t work out what I wanted any more, the counselling really helped with that. (Mine was free through work but again there’s often discounts for lower incomes or local to me there’s a training college that offers free counselling with qualified counsellors doing enough hours to go into private practice).

@SynchOrSwim

I usually go for yoga with Adriene. How regularly and for how long do you need to do yoga to notice a body/mind difference? I'm not talking about weight I mean physically feeling less tense and achy?

With the right class, the difference can be almost immediate. However, a session of 1-1.5 hours gentle flow class usually makes the greater difference to your state of mind than a faster 30 minute one (You Tube is full of those! . Perhaps deliberately working at less than your maximum potential so that you can carry on for longer. Break it up with plenty of child's pose whenever you feel you need to pause and a 15-30 minute meditation at the end, preferably lying down in a darkened room.