To not know where to start when my life, body and mind are all a bit of a mess?

[SynchOrSwim]

I don't even know where to start when explaining.

Marriage is pretty much over but I haven't officially said I want to leave as I'm so worried about how it will effect DD, how he will behave and I just don't feel mentally/emotionally strong enough at the mo.

I'm on edge all the time. Often cry at my desk when I'm working from home. Tried self referring myself for therapy but I didn't know what to say!

I want to get a better paid job before I become a single mum but it's hard dealing with job apps and interviews when my head is such a mess.

I'm obese. I comfort eat due to my home situation and struggle to fit in exercise as I'm either working or parenting until nearly 9pm by which point I'm knackered and screw myself over further by staying up too late and eating.

I know eating better and exercising regularly will improve my mental health but I feel like I need more time plus better mental health to do these things. Just feel a bit stuck.

Any suggestions on what to tackle first?

@peacocktail

Like evreyone else here I really feel for you. It feels like you are drowning and you have to try to regain your sense of self little by little. Buy yourself a book that you can keep in a safe place and start to note down the small things that you can do for yourself. I know it seems silly but small things add up. For example, Buy a beautifully scented bar of soap just for you. don't leave it where it can be used by shitty husband. When you are shopping buy yourself a nice fresh piece of fruit. Begin self care in secret as though it is a secret pleasure (often if husbands see you doing well they will drag you down again). Remind yourself that you are valuable. Drink water with slice of lemon just to make it special. Small changes will make you feel better stronger healthier and will snowball Be your own best friend and treat yourself like you would treat someone you love. Its a long road but it is possible. In the future when you look back at where you are now you will be proud of yourself. Also, you will be in a better position to make changes for yourself and child.

I've written a huge list of things to do it's just finding time to do them that's the problem. I have nice soap and nice fruit?

I'm in a job with a below average salary and DH expects me to do everything else too. How do I remind myself that I'm valuable when I don't seem to be?

Like PP said, you seem to be very anti the advice here. What, that is within your control, can you change?

I don’t think OP is anti advice. She has deep entrenched problems and very few resources to deal with them.

It’s understandable that she is highlighting the challenges she faces. They do exist.

It’s hard to be responsible for holding everyone else up, and yourself, when there is nothing and no-one for you to lean on.

As for feeling awkward at the Counsrlling OP, you do know what to say. You say it here. Maybe the previous session you had was awkward as your counselor wasn’t great and had nothing to say, I have had one like that! I ditched her.

@neverthenot

I don’t think people are really hearing how little time you have and how exhausted you are OP. I hear you. I know exactly the mental toll you are under of having to appear ‘on’, keeping it together whilst you are breaking. It’s utterly, utterly exhausting. Having said that, as my therapist said to me, ‘if nothing changes, everything stays the same.’ If you start to get small wins, it will help you gain motivation for bigger wins. I do 5-10 mins of stretches when I wake and before I sleep. It does really help to destress and make you feel a bit better in your body. If your daughter is at school, she is old enough to watch tv for a bit whilst you get on with other stuff. This is ok. She may also be old enough to help you with some chores. Don’t give up on Counsrlling. There is free Counselling, and you can ask to change to a different counselor if the one you have is not moving you forward. A good counselor will help with shifting your thinking to help motivate you and may help you plan how to move forward. You need a counselor who will help move you forward, not just be a sympathetic ear. The Samaritans are also there if you just need to offlload too. They are the sympathetic ear! They don’t offer advice, but I have found it really helps when it’s all got too much. Your biggest priority is getting a new job so you can leave the relationship. Your council is likely to have some sort of into-work/ employment scheme and some of these may be for people who have jobs but want to move to progress in work/ move to a different job. They may also be able to offer help with interviews/ applications. If you can find little supports/ little wins it will help with working to the bigger ones.

I don't know how counselling works if you feel awkward about talking though? I just felt so awkward and self-conscious so I don't know how it would work for me?

I've done a course through work about careers, interviews etc and I have managed to get slightly better job but I'm just terrible at interviews, terrible at being put on the spot. I'm always nervous and on edge at work too, I'm not sure I'll ever be confident enough to do a higher paid job but but I just feel pathetic that I'm almost 40 and haven't even achieved a job with an average salary.

I don't mind my daughter having screen time but she's an only child and not an introvert like me so she prefers interaction and attention..

I work from home a couple of days a week and I sit at my desk in the window and see other women down my road going for runs or getting in the car dressed in gym stuff and going shopping, washing the car, walking the dog, mowing the lawn and I've actually cried with jealousy that that get time to do all that while their kids are at school.

@Snorkello

Like PP said, you seem to be very anti the advice here. What, that is within your control, can you change?

I don't know, I need time to do all these things which I don't have.

@neverthenot

I don’t think OP is anti advice. She has deep entrenched problems and very few resources to deal with them. It’s understandable that she is highlighting the challenges she faces. They do exist. It’s hard to be responsible for holding everyone else up, and yourself, when there is nothing and no-one for you to lean on. As for feeling awkward at the Counsrlling OP, you do know what to say. You say it here. Maybe the previous session you had was awkward as your counselor wasn’t great and had nothing to say, I have had one like that! I ditched her.

Typing is different to talking through, I'm not much of a public speaker.

Sorry if I came across as short. I didn’t mean to - if time is what you need, can your partner help free up any time for you at the weekend? Or can your daughter join you in an activity?

@Snorkello

Sorry if I came across as short. I didn’t mean to - if time is what you need, can your partner help free up any time for you at the weekend? Or can your daughter join you in an activity?

He often works weekends and isn't generally helpful.

She does lots of activities, I'm either working while she's there or rushing off to the supermarket, post office, library, dry cleaner, etc, etc. All the things I can't get done while I'm at work.

Sorry, I just noticed you said join ME in an activity. As I said we do long walks and sometimes junior parkrun and we sometimes do kids yoga on YouTube. Can't afford more paid for activities.

But she can't run much so I don't get much exercise out of it and she's very chatty so it doesn't help with clearing my head.

What about at 9pm? Instead of eating, can you do something else? Just for 15 minutes? Or maybe just take 2 days off. One duvet day, then a day to focus on yourself.

@Snorkello

What about at 9pm? Instead of eating, can you do something else? Just for 15 minutes? Or maybe just take 2 days off. One duvet day, then a day to focus on yourself.

I do need to do some exercise in the evening, I always tell myself I will I'm just so knackered by then!

I have to save my annual leave for the school holidays and even if I did book a day off I'd still have to get up for the school run and leave the house at the same time plus DH could come home at anytime so I wouldn't really relax.

@Cakequeen1988

As others have said you keep saying no.

You mentioned your husband goes to bed first, so exercise then. Prioritise yourself and don’t do the housework. Or get up earlier and do it then. Your daughter isn’t alone her father is in the house.

You need to put you first and make it happen. A quick walk during your lunch break, vitamin tablets, getting DD and husband to help with household tasks. You have to make it happen it won’t happen around you/for you

This is it, you have to accept that you need to change something for things to start changing, it's not going to fall in your lap.

I agree with others that you have an excuse for every suggestion made.

It's daunting to change things so maybe work on that first, there areyoutube videos about changing your mindset etc. I'm sure if you made a post asking how to do that/gain confidence/get yourself ready/able to make the changes you need you'll get good advice.

Put the list in this thread in priority order and then ask for the help to do it.

OK, as a single parent it doesn't get easier to exercise when children are too young to be left alone, you have to multitask and factor movement into your day.

You are working from home so make a chilli or something similar and use a rice cooker for the rice, you can have them on while working, put them in a thermos and go for a walk with your Dd, take her to the park and play, the beach if it's near, a bike ride and have your dinner out now the weather's getting nicer. Your MH will feel better as you are out getting fresh air and moving more. Soon to be ExH can still have a hot meal when he gets home so can't moan too much if that's going to be an issue.

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime

OK, as a single parent it doesn't get easier to exercise when children are too young to be left alone, you have to multitask and factor movement into your day.

You are working from home so make a chilli or something similar and use a rice cooker for the rice, you can have them on while working, put them in a thermos and go for a walk with your Dd, take her to the park and play, the beach if it's near, a bike ride and have your dinner out now the weather's getting nicer. Your MH will feel better as you are out getting fresh air and moving more. Soon to be ExH can still have a hot meal when he gets home so can't moan too much if that's going to be an issue.

I eat chilli, I go outside everyday, I hit 10k steps most days. I am getting out in the fresh air and moving. I still feel shit. I do yoga with DD and parkrun and geocaching and playing at the beach.

@LottyD32 it's so frustrating when people say it's excuses. When DD went to a sleepover and DH decided to go out I went for a run, did some yoga, cooked a healthy dinner, went to bed and read a book.

Got up the next morning, went for another run and did some more yoga before going to pick her up.

So I know that I make the right choices if I have time and headspace, I just don't have it day to day!

Sympathies OP you have so much going on 💐 I'd really suggest trying to find some way of exercising with your dd if that's at all possible. It is one of the best things you can do for low mood and stress. You could put on a youtube yoga video and ask her to copy you? Something dancey or even an aerobics/zumba type video? Doesn't matter if it's not super strict exercise, but you might find it makes the both of you laugh. I don't know how old your dd is. If she's really little take her out for a walk with her in the pushchair. Walk as fast as you can. Spring is here and the evenings are getting longer if you're home before sunset, otherwise do this at the weekend... Get out in nature at the weekend.... woods, parkland...

I'm also having big issues with comfort eating. It's hard. I'd recommend trying to cut out the sugary snacks first. Have fruit, veg, nuts to nibble on. Fizzy water in the evening can feel a bit less bleak than tap water. Even add a bit of squash, still low calorie.

@colouringindoors

Sympathies OP you have so much going on 💐 I'd really suggest trying to find some way of exercising with your dd if that's at all possible. It is one of the best things you can do for low mood and stress. You could put on a youtube yoga video and ask her to copy you? Something dancey or even an aerobics/zumba type video? Doesn't matter if it's not super strict exercise, but you might find it makes the both of you laugh. I don't know how old your dd is. If she's really little take her out for a walk with her in the pushchair. Walk as fast as you can. Spring is here and the evenings are getting longer if you're home before sunset, otherwise do this at the weekend... Get out in nature at the weekend.... woods, parkland...

I'm also having big issues with comfort eating. It's hard. I'd recommend trying to cut out the sugary snacks first. Have fruit, veg, nuts to nibble on. Fizzy water in the evening can feel a bit less bleak than tap water. Even add a bit of squash, still low calorie.

This is the 3rd time I've said this: DD and I go on long walks, do junior parkrun and do kids yoga videos together. I get outside everyday, I hit 10k+ steps most days. I'm still fat and stressed.

Why cant you go for a run when she and your husband are in bed?

@LottyD32

Why cant you go for a run when she and your husband are in bed?

That's generally when I'm trying to squeeze in housework and get stuff ready for the next day before going to bed and it's 8.80/9ish so usually dark anyway.

Its funny how everybody has different ideas about what to tackle first but that's because we all are different. I can emphasize as have had all your problems in the past but with three kids (still am overweight and comfort eat but heh🤷there's worse things!). I'm also an introvert who hates interviews so personally I would put that to one side at the moment as that would be really stressful and stick with the job you have. If you manage to leave husband I'm sure you would probably be entitled to some benefits to top up, if not enough to live on, until you have the focus to deal with it. (if you don't think he will leave or be violent then slowly start secreting money away for deposit on a flat, perhaps by taking cash out to do weekly shop and stashing some). I'd put the weight to one side too as your obviously healthy enough if you can do park run and yoga so that can be dealt with later when your settled. Which to my mind leaves number one priority bringing the relationship to an end as that is probably the root cause of a lot of the problems. You will at least get some time to yourself when DD is with her dad then. I'm also a night owl and needed a couple of hours to myself before bed to decompress, often not going to bed til midnight even if the time was spent organizing packed lunches and stuff for the next day so I can understand that too. Good luck🍀

This is the 3rd time I've said this: DD and I go on long walks, do junior parkrun and do kids yoga videos together. I get outside everyday, I hit 10k+ steps most days. I'm still fat and stressed

Address your eating then.

Why can't you run when it's dark? I used to love running at 1-2am when the streets were empty and quiet.

Couch to 5k is only 20 minutes.

If you want your life to change, you have to make changes.

@LottyD32

This is the 3rd time I've said this: DD and I go on long walks, do junior parkrun and do kids yoga videos together. I get outside everyday, I hit 10k+ steps most days. I'm still fat and stressed

Address your eating then.

Why can't you run when it's dark? I used to love running at 1-2am when the streets were empty and quiet.

Couch to 5k is only 20 minutes.

If you want your life to change, you have to make changes.

... because I'm doing housework then going to bed.

🤷‍♀️ Stay in your rut then.

I don't understand why you posted if you won't make any change whatsoever or put yourself out in any way.

Start with the easiest thing to do and get into a habit of it. That might be filling a 2L jug with water at the start of the day and making sure you've drunk it by the end of the day.

Once that's established as a routine, add tiny extra movements into the day. Leslie Sanson's walking videos are a good place to start. Do one while the kettle or pasta boils. She has a 10 minute one.

Every time you manage to stick with a new good habit for a week, reward yourself - maybe a new top that fits and looks good at the size you are currently, to remind yourself to appreciate and take good care of yourself as you are now, not only when you have made all the changes.