To not know where to start when my life, body and mind are all a bit of a mess?

[SynchOrSwim]

I don't even know where to start when explaining.

Marriage is pretty much over but I haven't officially said I want to leave as I'm so worried about how it will effect DD, how he will behave and I just don't feel mentally/emotionally strong enough at the mo.

I'm on edge all the time. Often cry at my desk when I'm working from home. Tried self referring myself for therapy but I didn't know what to say!

I want to get a better paid job before I become a single mum but it's hard dealing with job apps and interviews when my head is such a mess.

I'm obese. I comfort eat due to my home situation and struggle to fit in exercise as I'm either working or parenting until nearly 9pm by which point I'm knackered and screw myself over further by staying up too late and eating.

I know eating better and exercising regularly will improve my mental health but I feel like I need more time plus better mental health to do these things. Just feel a bit stuck.

Any suggestions on what to tackle first?

There are some good books out there such as Pleasure Healing by Mary Beth Janssen which would help you to learn how to love yourself again which will help you build up your self esteem which sounds as though it has taken a bettering. Breaking free of the relationship may take years but self-care practices can be done right now and help you attain the mental clarity to deal with the rest of the issues effectively.

@Soffit I don't have an hour and a half to myself! I'd love to have an hour and a half to spend doing yoga, that would be amazing!

Do you really want to change because your putting up hell of a lot of resistance to peoples suggestions ?
I had to change , otherwise l would have sunk, simple as that, and that knowledge drove me to read up all l could about self improvement, physically, mentally, emotionally , spiritually and put it into practice, it is a life long process not an overnight cure , but you have to commit and stick with it and drop the excuses.

[quote SynchOrSwim]@Soffit I don't have an hour and a half to myself! I'd love to have an hour and a half to spend doing yoga, that would be amazing![/quote]
You need to do it at around the 9pm mark when you are tempted to binge eat. Even if it is the last thing in the world that you feel like doing, you automatically transfer yourself to the space you usually use (it needs to be the same space in general) and just do it. It has the added advantage of reducing food cravings soon afterwards (unlike cardio!)

Alternatively, do it first thing, an hour before your DC wakes up assuming they roughly have a routine.

You will always feel better after doing it, I promise. Once you learn to force a timetable upon yourself, it will be easier to timetable other activities into your day. I don't mean a rigid timetable but some kind of structure that will motivate you. You will probably want to eat a healthier breakfast after a morning yoga session. There is a lot of inspiration available for free online. It's little steps which create a habit and you will find that you are unstoppable in no time and assertive enough to expect that time for yourself without feeling guilty.

Most of the suggestions involve time and money that I don't have, I just feel so stuck.

DD isn't in bed until nearly 9, then I need to do the housework that I can't do during the day because I'm at work.

I don't understand how people fit everything in?

100% start with your mental health. You’re not going to change anything else until you’ve dealt with that (speaking from experience). It’s almost impossible to stick to a diet, work through a relationship, improve your job unless you have dealt with the crap that is causing you to respond in this way.

Mental health first always! Become the person who can handle all of these challenges first, then handle the challenges

@Ukrainehelp

100% start with your mental health. You’re not going to change anything else until you’ve dealt with that (speaking from experience). It’s almost impossible to stick to a diet, work through a relationship, improve your job unless you have dealt with the crap that is causing you to respond in this way.

Mental health first always! Become the person who can handle all of these challenges first, then handle the challenges

How?!

Second nature is a weight loss/healthy living programme that looks at a lot of different aspects (diet, exercise, sleep, stress etc) over a 12 week period. It doesn't sound as though it's right for you at the moment though. I suspect it doesn't matter which thing you try to tackle first , so long as you break it down into small enough steps. What are the things you need to do in order to be able to leave? Can you start working towards achieving some of those first steps so that you feel you're making some progress even if it's going to take a while? That in itself may be enough to help you take the first steps for other goals.

[quote SynchOrSwim]@Soffit I don't have an hour and a half to myself! I'd love to have an hour and a half to spend doing yoga, that would be amazing![/quote]
Do 20 minutes of yoga. You need to start with something and self-care would be best.

I'm trying to say kindly that if you read your answers, you are saying no to everyone. But you have said something has to change, pick one thing and start with that.

I think you should focus on drinking more water and getting 8 hours sleep.

Then after 5-7 days of that, focus on trying to clean up your eating just a little. Cut out an unhealthy snack or stop eating after 7pm etc.

Then after 5-7 days add in some yoga YouTube sessions - 20 mins a day.

Then add in actions to make “life” easier - setting out clothes the night before, cleaning the kitchen before bed for 15 mins etc

And keep slowly adding changes. Every step counts. You can do it

What about couch to 5k, early in the morning?

@SynchOrSwim

Most of the suggestions involve time and money that I don't have, I just feel so stuck.

DD isn't in bed until nearly 9, then I need to do the housework that I can't do during the day because I'm at work.

I don't understand how people fit everything in?

What about couch to 5k, early in the morning?

@LottyD32

What about couch to 5k, early in the morning?

My daughter is too young to be left alone.

@ThePoint678

I think you should focus on drinking more water and getting 8 hours sleep.

Then after 5-7 days of that, focus on trying to clean up your eating just a little. Cut out an unhealthy snack or stop eating after 7pm etc.

Then after 5-7 days add in some yoga YouTube sessions - 20 mins a day.

Then add in actions to make “life” easier - setting out clothes the night before, cleaning the kitchen before bed for 15 mins etc

And keep slowly adding changes. Every step counts. You can do it

Thanks. I just feel so stressed and angry and sad all the time but I also have to be 'on' all the time too. Answering the phone at work, being a good parent.

I have a million things buzzing through my head and yoga/mindfulness/meditation doesn't seem to make a difference and even if I go to bed early my brain won't shut up and let me sleep.

Before 7am DD was already asking me what we're doing today so I'll plaster a smile on all day then back to work tomorrow.

As others have said you keep saying no.

You mentioned your husband goes to bed first, so exercise then. Prioritise yourself and don’t do the housework. Or get up earlier and do it then. Your daughter isn’t alone her father is in the house.

You need to put you first and make it happen. A quick walk during your lunch break, vitamin tablets, getting DD and husband to help with household tasks. You have to make it happen it won’t happen around you/for you

What you are eating is key. Next time you do your food shopping buy zero junk food. No sugary snacks no fatty snacks like crisps just do not buy them. If they arnt in the house you can't have them. Buy lots of fruit and veg and soups. Sweet potatoe is the best food you can eat. Have it for lunch with soup and snack on chopped up carrot sticks and peppers. Give it a go. See how much better you feel. Also get out for a walk once a day. You can start small and build up. If you are self conscious and don't want to go out go once it's dark. I promise you your mental health will benefit so much from the new food you eat and the walking. You will see everything In a more positive light. You will feel better. Good luck

Can you take a walk at lunch each day? Even 10 mins? I am an introvert and find a calm walk alone gives me a real boost and also seems to allow time to think on problems and get solutions. Plus it's exercise.

I think probably the fix you need most is the relationship but it's also the hardest.

On better paid job, can you ask your current employer for a payrise?

@Cakequeen1988

As others have said you keep saying no.

You mentioned your husband goes to bed first, so exercise then. Prioritise yourself and don’t do the housework. Or get up earlier and do it then. Your daughter isn’t alone her father is in the house.

You need to put you first and make it happen. A quick walk during your lunch break, vitamin tablets, getting DD and husband to help with household tasks. You have to make it happen it won’t happen around you/for you

He goes to bed before DD, I'm doing bath, reading etc. I HAVE to do housework to male sure DD has clean school uniform, PE kit, extra curricular kits, her school bag packed, the dishwasher on etc. It's not really optional.

No he isn't in the house he leaves for work around 5am. Or earlier. Or works overnight.

I do take a walk on my lunch break but I often don't have a lunch break or only have a short one.

Although I work almost full-time DH works more than full-time so basically treats me like a SAHM.

@Weepingwillows12

Can you take a walk at lunch each day? Even 10 mins? I am an introvert and find a calm walk alone gives me a real boost and also seems to allow time to think on problems and get solutions. Plus it's exercise.

I think probably the fix you need most is the relationship but it's also the hardest.

On better paid job, can you ask your current employer for a payrise?

I do get my steps in most days. I don't find it makes any difference though? The whole walk my brain is buzzing with stuff I need to do then I go back to my desk stressed.

I work somewhere with set pay grades, I've gone up a grade recently but I'm still on a below average salary. Not minimum wage at all but I'm still scared it's not enough. I'm terrible at interviews though and preparing for them just adds another level of stress and another thing do do that takes time away from doing the things I need to be doing.

Lots to unpick here! You could benefit from a life coach, but with money being an issue, here are some suggestions:

1. Right a list of life goals.
2. Pick the one you can mentally cope with first.
3. Start one per month.

Re fitness - Try the FitOn app. It’s free and you can do it with your daughter. All free. Lots of videos.

Re food - stop buying junk food. If it’s not there, you can’t eat it.

Re water - switch some of your hot drinks to hot water. Switch your cold drinks to fizzy water, or half juice half water. Water stops you being hungry.

Journal your feelings. Write it all out. Then delete it.

To increase mood, try to play more music. Dance, sing. It all helps.

Go for walks with your daughter.

And get off social media and read a book. It can be just as good as mindfulness.

Other things that help include having a clear out at home. Once a week, tackle and area. Clear all the crap out your house. If you do decide to leave, it will be less difficult if you have minimised your stuff. Plus, it feels like a mental cleanse. Put on music, clear out wardrobe. That sort of thing.

It sounds like you’re exhausted and overwhelmed. Small steps are best. I also agree you need more sleep. Bed at 9 with your daughter. Then up at 5 for some peaceful time before everyone wakes up. All these things will slowly improve your mood and your mindset. Its hard, but you’ll get there x

Like evreyone else here I really feel for you. It feels like you are drowning and you have to try to regain your sense of self little by little.
Buy yourself a book that you can keep in a safe place and start to note down the small things that you can do for yourself.
I know it seems silly but small things add up.
For example, Buy a beautifully scented bar of soap just for you. don't leave it where it can be used by shitty husband. When you are shopping buy yourself a nice fresh piece of fruit. Begin self care in secret as though it is a secret pleasure (often if husbands see you doing well they will drag you down again). Remind yourself that you are valuable. Drink water with slice of lemon just to make it special.
Small changes will make you feel better stronger healthier and will snowball
Be your own best friend and treat yourself like you would treat someone you love.
Its a long road but it is possible. In the future when you look back at where you are now you will be proud of yourself.
Also, you will be in a better position to make changes for yourself and child.

GP for anti-depressants - even just to temporarily get you through a difficult time? If you're crying so much, you must feel dreadful, so no wonder you feel stuck and overwhelmed. Also, a skilled, empathic counsellor should be able to work with you helpfully, but it's not a quick fix - maybe try again?

@Snorkello

Lots to unpick here! You could benefit from a life coach, but with money being an issue, here are some suggestions:

1. Right a list of life goals.
2. Pick the one you can mentally cope with first.
3. Start one per month.

Re fitness - Try the FitOn app. It’s free and you can do it with your daughter. All free. Lots of videos.

Re food - stop buying junk food. If it’s not there, you can’t eat it.

Re water - switch some of your hot drinks to hot water. Switch your cold drinks to fizzy water, or half juice half water. Water stops you being hungry.

Journal your feelings. Write it all out. Then delete it.

To increase mood, try to play more music. Dance, sing. It all helps.

Go for walks with your daughter.

And get off social media and read a book. It can be just as good as mindfulness.

Other things that help include having a clear out at home. Once a week, tackle and area. Clear all the crap out your house. If you do decide to leave, it will be less difficult if you have minimised your stuff. Plus, it feels like a mental cleanse. Put on music, clear out wardrobe. That sort of thing.

It sounds like you’re exhausted and overwhelmed. Small steps are best. I also agree you need more sleep. Bed at 9 with your daughter. Then up at 5 for some peaceful time before everyone wakes up. All these things will slowly improve your mood and your mindset. Its hard, but you’ll get there x

I don't buy junk food, I just eat too many calories.

I do go on long walks with DD and sometimes even junior parkrun.

I'm trying to drink more water but I'm on the loo all the time! How on earth do people manage 2 litres a day???

There's no guarantee of peace if I get up at 5am as DH is often still getting ready to leave and DD has always been an early riser.

I'd do occasionally do bits of decluttering and take bags to the charity shop while DD is at an extracurricular.

I just feel so stuck and stressed.

@Booboobadoo

GP for anti-depressants - even just to temporarily get you through a difficult time? If you're crying so much, you must feel dreadful, so no wonder you feel stuck and overwhelmed. Also, a skilled, empathic counsellor should be able to work with you helpfully, but it's not a quick fix - maybe try again?

I filled in my GPs online form for an appointment about mental health and got a reply that I can self refer for therapy but it was over the phone and I didn't know what to say, I've never felt more awkward. No time to do an in person appointment though.

I'm scared of antidepressants. You say just to go on them for a while but I've read lots of threads on here of people struggling to come off them and I don't want to be reliant on them for the rest of my life.

I don’t think people are really hearing how little time you have and how exhausted you are OP. I hear you. I know exactly the mental toll you are under of having to appear ‘on’, keeping it together whilst you are breaking. It’s utterly, utterly exhausting.

Having said that, as my therapist said to me, ‘if nothing changes, everything stays the same.’
If you start to get small wins, it will help you gain motivation for bigger wins. I do 5-10 mins of stretches when I wake and before I sleep. It does really help to destress and make you feel a bit better in your body.

If your daughter is at school, she is old enough to watch tv for a bit whilst you get on with other stuff. This is ok. She may also be old enough to help you with some chores.
Don’t give up on Counsrlling. There is free Counselling, and you can ask to change to a different counselor if the one you have is not moving you forward. A good counselor will help with shifting your thinking to help motivate you and may help you plan how to move forward. You need a counselor who will help move you forward, not just be a sympathetic ear.
The Samaritans are also there if you just need to offlload too. They are the sympathetic ear! They don’t offer advice, but I have found it really helps when it’s all got too much.
Your biggest priority is getting a new job so you can leave the relationship. Your council is likely to have some sort of into-work/ employment scheme and some of these may be for people who have jobs but want to move to progress in work/ move to a different job. They may also be able to offer help with interviews/ applications.

If you can find little supports/ little wins it will help with working to the bigger ones.