Found out I am pregnant (very early). The man isn't in the picture, I've known him for several years and we've had infrequent casual sex for that time. There is no relationship.
I know I can't keep this baby. I don't earn enough money- less than 15k- and I currently live in a professional house share (rented). I work in a job that seems professional but with a poor working contract that means I'm not paid full time. Although I would like to be in a position to be a mother, I'm not under any illusion as to how hard it would be to go it alone in my circumstance. I know that no one has an ideal life and having a baby is always challenging but in my case the challenge would be too great.
The reason I'm posting isn't to make up my mind as I'm already sure about my decision (will terminate). But having worked through all the thoughts and emotions to come to that decision, I feel even more bewildered by life in general than I did before.
I'm 30 soon, and I had a difficult start in life (very poor background, DV household during adolescence, chronic nerve pain issue which thankfully was eventually resolved although only recently). Before I say this I want to make it clear that I think there are some good and worthwhile things in life. But I'm afraid to say that most of life is awful. The world is a complete mess, absurdly so, and frankly when you step back and look at it for what it is, populated by deranged upright apes that are obsessed with status, it's no surprise really. If I had no family to upset, I wouldn't care if I died tomorrow. I see so little point to it and even more so now.
My main complaint is that I feel like I've had to work extra hard just to make an extremely basic life for myself, and I've been a good person overall, but I don't even have enough to have a baby that I would actually like to have. Of course, you might point out that most of the time it works best if planned between two people who support one another and I would agree, although I'm sure you wouldn't disagree with me when I say that the majority of men are unable to function in a relationship.
It all just makes me want to laugh to be honest at how awfully bad everything actually is.