I just can’t be bothered to do anything

[ghostmouse]

I lost my dh 5 month ago and I was coping ok ish, had some wobbles etc.

But now it’s Xmas or near to it I’m finding I’m sinking.. fast.

I have an 11 year old and 14 year old living at home and we are all so chaotic. The house is a mess I can’t be bothered to do anything apart from the very bare minimum, I barely cook they’re surviving on noodles and microwave pizzas

Every day is a reminder than dh is no longer here and the whole palace over Xmas is really getting me down. All I do is watch to or Netflix, I’ve lost all interest in reading crochet or even walking as walking feels so lonely without dh. I’ve piled in weight, my hygiene isn’t brilliant although I do bath most days, my hairs greasy.
And I’ve let my dh down, I know I have. I’m so tired, I just can’t see the point to life anymore

How on earth do I get out of this rut, I can’t take antidepressants and mirtazipine sent my completely loopy. I smashed plates and nearly totalled the car on it. Awful drug.

How do I take one step at a time. I know going for a little walk would help but I look and smell awful and then by the time I’ve had a bath and washed my hair it’s dark. I don’t get a break from the dds, their own dad is beyond useless and I don’t have much help and support either.

Any ideas on what I can do. I can’t get an appointment at the docs until the new year

Could you make Christmas this year a sort of memory day about him? Watch his favourite film, share your memories of him, cook his favourite dinner, play his favourite music etc. That way you get to celebrate the day for him rather than go through the motions of something none of you feel like.

I can't imagine how hard this must be. FWIW, I think you are coping as well as anyone could expect. You are holding down your job, bathing more often than most people do, feeding the family, even if it is pizza most nights. Just muddling through is all anyone can expect. And in a way it might be best for DC. Some people get hyper organised and chuck stuff out and get super controlling. That could be harder for them. At least this way they get to express their grief. It's shit and no one is pretending otherwise.

You need a very comforting box set to watch together. Have you seen Heartland?

The first couple of episodes aren't great but it gets good after that and I could imagine your dd enjoying it. It starts with a bereavement which might be hard, but then it might help to.

I think you're doing okay OP. Just try and do small steps as others have said. You WILL feel better in time. Hang on in there. Try to focus on all you have still got too.

Ooo I’ve seen heartland it’s very good, well ok I got half way through the whole thing and gave up but it’s very good so might give it a rewatch

I’m halfway through maid and I’m enjoying that even if it’s a big depressing.

We are putting his photo on the dinner table so we all know he’s with us, he loved Christmas.

I’ve had a bath, dinner was nice and I’ve cleaned my teeth, house is a shit tip though

Bagelsandbrie thanks for the active 10 app suggestion. Looks good

You sound like you’re doing really well in the circumstances. The first year is going to be the hardest, especially Xmas . Well done on the slower cooker meal. You’re making a start! You will get through this, just take baby steps and things will gradually get easier. Contact Cruse and ask for bereavement counselling.
Try to get outside every day for fresh air. The suggestions about tidying are very good.
Try to do one thing every day just for you. Treat yourself gently and be patient with your children. You will all get through this.

You’re grieving, working, raising two kids- you are NOT failing!!

When things are tough here i make food easier- pasta and sauces, quiche and crusty bread, good quality ready meals etc.

Beyond that i think it’s fine just to get through. Your first Christmas without him is always going to be so very hard. Go easy on yourself x

It sounds like you’re doing great in the circumstances to be honest!

I lost my DH when I was 31, 5yrs ago now. It was shit for a long time but things do get better. I still haven’t got my cooking mojo back and my house isn’t as clean/cared for as I’d like, but we muddle through. We go on holiday over Christmas and eat pizza on Christmas Day!

If you can get some counselling I would really recommend it, it could help you stop being so harsh on yourself and comparing yourself to others, and give you some space to process how you’re feeling about it all.

Grief is truly exhausting, especially when you’re working and have kids and can’t really tend to your feelings fully. And when you’re young, it’s not exactly a normal life event and suddenly being so different to your peers or compared to what you thought life would be like… it all adds to the emotional load.

Be kind to yourself. Sleep! Do nothing if you feel like it. Depression can be your body needing ‘deep rest’ and that’s okay. No one else needs to understand. Do what’s right for you. You will get through it bit by bit.

Have you come across Widowed and Young? I didn’t find it helpful personally - somehow being exposed to loads of people’s grief was too much for me on top of my own - but everyone is different and you might find a support group useful.

Hi yes I’m a member of way. I’ve found them to be quite supportive although I can’t be doing with the group zoom calls tbh, and I won’t be meeting up with anyone from there for a long time, although I do like the fb group.
I did join a few fb groups to do with bereavement but they were awful, full of people wanting to kill themselves or they were waiting to die to be with their loved ones and nothing at all helpful, I hid them pretty quickly.

I’ve been to work this morning, met for a coffee with a friend afterwards and have washed up.

So I’ve been out at least