My Miserable Birthday

[chapman154]

I cried as I bought birthday cake tonight for work colleagues tomorow which is ironic really because I am always the one that insists you have cake on your birthday. I am 53 tomorrow and I am so miserable that I don't want anyone to celebrate, for me it is nothing to celebrate. I know other people haven't made it this far which I'm sure I will be reminded of but I have often thought of leaving early doors myself.

I've had so much to cope with this year and asked for some professional help about 6 weeks back. I explained everything I've been trying to juggle and was deemed 'not stressed enough' by the experts. I don't qualify for counselling as I am not depressed enough, fair enough, it's not everyday but I beg to differ. I was told I may have some 'e CBT' as a 'real' person is unavailable, I just want to talk it all out with someone. As it is, I sit here crying again thinking about how worthless I am and the only things that really have time for me are my cats and that's probably because I 'pay them' with food and strokes to like me.

I look in the mirror and see an overweight, unattractive, middle aged woman with a head tremor that could turn into Parkinsons and an unfortunate haircut at the weekend that has aged me into the bargain. It has only served to highlight my enormous round face. All I have going for me is that I sometimes make people laugh but that's so they don't laugh AT me.

I'm a joke. A stereotypical middle aged woman to be ignored from now on because no one could possibly find me attractive unless you were blind and only then you might find me mildly amusing.

I have been alone most of my life, longer than I've ever been with a partner and that's because I always mess up. I always make them hate me, I self destruct because I probably don't deserve any better. I think I royally messed up the last relationship though we did have our rows, simply by being me and when he practically begged me to take him back, I ignored him like the piece of crap I am.

Last year on my birthday weekend I was totally spoilt by the man I knew really loved me, no one has ever loved me like him and I don't think anyone ever will....I miss him.... especially tonight. I will miss him as I find the Christmas card I bought for him back in July (I know, i'm just a bargain hunter) in the box with the other 'bought in advance' cards. I looked at my left hand today and see the space where the ring was that he gave me, pronouncing his love for me. It's the first time I have thought about it, the ring that is. It made me think about all the promises we'd made to each other and how exciting the future was after all those years on my own.

I have sold my house now and am looking for something smaller, it wasn't what my future was supposed to be, this time last year. The process started off being exciting but now coupled with the stress of dealing with estate agents that don't seem to want to show me any houses and moving away from the house I've lived in for 15 years, it feels scary. I already don't really 'see' anyone as everyone is too busy with their lives and I don't like to bother anyone but moving to somewhere strange fills me with trepidation that I actually could disappear and apart from work, I don't think anyone would actually notice.

I have become invisible, important only to work but in reality would be replaced in the blink of an eye and that is my dilemma. I just don't think it's worth me being here anymore. I am sick of crying and overthinking everything. I moan all the time and it must make people hate me but in reality, I have no one else to talk to.

I used to ring my mother quite regularly but now she has the start of dementia, she doesn't remember anything you tell her and constantly asks the same things over and over, I miss the confidante, the advice giving and the intelligent woman she once was... the way she was unbiased and didn't always take your side but always seemed to say the right thing you needed to hear..... She has been replaced by this frail old woman, who can barely make a little walk to the market without telling you how unsteady she feels and tired so can she go home.....I miss her.

I moaned to my son tonight after another failed flat viewing and I could tell I was annoying him, as usual. He just kept saying 'but you said last night it was early doors.' Which I did but I don't need it used against me and it's not helpful when I'm upset. I ended up putting the phone down on him as he wasn't helping. I have since messaged him.to say that I won't bother ringing him anymore and won't bother him with details about flats. He has offered to come with me but anytime I've asked he is busy so I am left to look at these empty so called 'homes' by myself. It's a daunting task.

I dream about the little boy he once was, who doted on me, wanted all my attention and NEEDED me.... I miss him too.

I am supposed to go for a 'birthday meal' tomorrow night but I shouldn't be eating anything as I am already overweight which contributes to my self loathing of how I look. I want to go out and walk again but it is dark when I get home and very boring by myself, everyone is too busy or tired to go with me so I end up not.doing anything and go to bed early.

I am so unhappy of late and I shouldn't be, apparently I have so much going for me but I don't see it. I pretend to be happy though I know I am miserable. I know loads of the kids hate me at school but I'm just doing my job. I know I annoy people and I don't mean to.

If I wrote a suicide note, I'm have to make it funny as I'd hate to upset anyone. I sat and read a few on the internet tonight to see if how I feel compares to them, I'm not saying I'm going to do anything but I have considered all my options more than once, the last time.being when my relationship ended a couple of months ago. I know this all sounds very dramatic but I am deadly serious, the three days I had to take off work, gave me lots of time to think and here I am again.... alone....upset.... on the eve of being 53, I wish it wasn"t my birthday, I've never wanted it so little in my life.

I'm a mess, held together by nice clothes.

7.12.2021

Hi, I just wanted to tell you that you are absolutely depressed enough to access some real help. Please let somebody in your life know that you are truly miserable and that you have been considering suicide.
Please let your doctor know that you need help, it doesn’t matter if you have lots going for you, depression is an illness, it doesn’t discriminate.

Sending you love x

Sending you a massive cuddle. You are not alone. ❤️

I'm so sorry you're struggling at the moment. Depression is an evil fucker and you are absolutely deserving of help. Please go back to the gp and explain what you've said here. Hang on in there x

This sounds very tough op. However u are loved, more than you can ever imagine. God loves you and wants to get to know you. ❤

Happy birthday for tomorrow. Eat the cake. Go for the meal. Talk to someone. Sending hug x

Well done for getting all of this out. I hope it helped you in some way. Continue to write if it helps you. It doesn't need to be here if you don't want. Fill up a word document.

You mention you pushed away your ex partner and how much that hurts you now, don't do the same to your son. You say yourself that repeating yourself to your mother is annoying, perhaps he feels the same hearing your constant moaning? Hanging up on him is extremely rude and then the passive aggressive follow up text isn't going to help. I say this aware that you are in delicate place, but in fear that if you don't change your approach you could end up in a worse situation. Apologise to him and keep him close.

Keep writing! I honestly could read a book of what you just shared. Find some joy in the little things you can do for your self. I draw and paint and it helps. I wish I was a writer like you x

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Some further support links:

NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
NHS: Looking after your mental health
MIND: Coping with mental health problems during coronavirus

CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably
NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts

We're going to move this to our Mental Health topic now. Very best wishes from MNHQ.

Please get some counselling, reach out privately if you can afford it. Bottom line is that we could all do with therapy if we are brutally honest about it, so there is no benchmark need for intervention. You absolutely deserve to sit with someone and try and figure out how you got to this space of suicidal depression. If you write a suicide note and act on it you will devastate those who know and love you. No one will care if you crack a joke or not, that is not the point. They will have lost you, that is all they will see. Please seek help, and keep writing here. There is a way through this, not an easy one so please seek support, but you can get through this

Happy Birthday!
You are a very good writer.

@thisplaceisweird

Well done for getting all of this out. I hope it helped you in some way. Continue to write if it helps you. It doesn't need to be here if you don't want. Fill up a word document.

You mention you pushed away your ex partner and how much that hurts you now, don't do the same to your son. You say yourself that repeating yourself to your mother is annoying, perhaps he feels the same hearing your constant moaning? Hanging up on him is extremely rude and then the passive aggressive follow up text isn't going to help. I say this aware that you are in delicate place, but in fear that if you don't change your approach you could end up in a worse situation. Apologise to him and keep him close.

Thank you for your reply to my post.

However at no point did I say it was annoying having to repeat myself to my mother. We often laugh and so does she as she remembers she has already asked. I stated I missed the strong independent woman she was and we deal with her situation as it arises.

My son and I chatted the following evening and he apologised for not feeling he supported me enough but explained why which was sufficient for me. I apologised for putting the phone down on him.

Your advice felt a bit harsh but I've dealt with so much throughout my life which is probably what keeps me going, maybe reread your reply before posting to others who may not take it as constructively as I have.

Again thank you for taking the time to reply and enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Thank you, I have been told this before. Maybe I should throw myself into this and channel my feelings this way?

Thank you for taking the time to add a reply.

Thank you to everyone that has replied to my original post.

My birthday was emotional to start but got better as the day went along. I went for the meal and enjoyed the evening with my sons. I have also struggled with Christmas the last few years and feel it is to do with the 'expected enjoyment' of the whole thing so I get extremely anxious about it all, culminating in panic attacks during Christmases in the past.

My ex also sent the most beautiful bouquet of flowers to work and has begged me to give him a second chance, I don't know if I am mentally up to it and don't want to destroy him in the process so I may suggest a few 'dates' to see if he wants to 'jump in' with me.

I'm hard work.....I know

@thisplaceisweird

Well done for getting all of this out. I hope it helped you in some way. Continue to write if it helps you. It doesn't need to be here if you don't want. Fill up a word document.

You mention you pushed away your ex partner and how much that hurts you now, don't do the same to your son. You say yourself that repeating yourself to your mother is annoying, perhaps he feels the same hearing your constant moaning? Hanging up on him is extremely rude and then the passive aggressive follow up text isn't going to help. I say this aware that you are in delicate place, but in fear that if you don't change your approach you could end up in a worse situation. Apologise to him and keep him close.

I agree. You are definitely depressed enough to need urgent help. Go back to your GP.

I'm 41 so my advice is probably useless, but I saw my mum go through the 'I'm washed up' mentality after my parents divorced in her early 50s, so...

The lack of referral for counselling isn't you, it's the overwhelm on services right now, the threshold is very high. You absolutely would benefit from a counsellor, go private if you can afford it, or call the Samaritans, they are there to help anyone feeling really low.

I don't know how else to explain it but DM looks back now in her 70s and realises that she wasn't washed up at all, she still had years ahead of her, and regrets the wasted time worrying. Every stage in life is an opportunity...

It does sound like a lifelong habit of pushing people away, and (not meaning to sound harsh as I do the same thing..) the common denominator is you, so the only way is to try not to do it. Lastly you have put in effort in relationships in order for them to be fulfilling I have learned.