I cried as I bought birthday cake tonight for work colleagues tomorow which is ironic really because I am always the one that insists you have cake on your birthday. I am 53 tomorrow and I am so miserable that I don't want anyone to celebrate, for me it is nothing to celebrate. I know other people haven't made it this far which I'm sure I will be reminded of but I have often thought of leaving early doors myself.
I've had so much to cope with this year and asked for some professional help about 6 weeks back. I explained everything I've been trying to juggle and was deemed 'not stressed enough' by the experts. I don't qualify for counselling as I am not depressed enough, fair enough, it's not everyday but I beg to differ. I was told I may have some 'e CBT' as a 'real' person is unavailable, I just want to talk it all out with someone. As it is, I sit here crying again thinking about how worthless I am and the only things that really have time for me are my cats and that's probably because I 'pay them' with food and strokes to like me.
I look in the mirror and see an overweight, unattractive, middle aged woman with a head tremor that could turn into Parkinsons and an unfortunate haircut at the weekend that has aged me into the bargain. It has only served to highlight my enormous round face. All I have going for me is that I sometimes make people laugh but that's so they don't laugh AT me.
I'm a joke. A stereotypical middle aged woman to be ignored from now on because no one could possibly find me attractive unless you were blind and only then you might find me mildly amusing.
I have been alone most of my life, longer than I've ever been with a partner and that's because I always mess up. I always make them hate me, I self destruct because I probably don't deserve any better. I think I royally messed up the last relationship though we did have our rows, simply by being me and when he practically begged me to take him back, I ignored him like the piece of crap I am.
Last year on my birthday weekend I was totally spoilt by the man I knew really loved me, no one has ever loved me like him and I don't think anyone ever will....I miss him.... especially tonight. I will miss him as I find the Christmas card I bought for him back in July (I know, i'm just a bargain hunter) in the box with the other 'bought in advance' cards. I looked at my left hand today and see the space where the ring was that he gave me, pronouncing his love for me. It's the first time I have thought about it, the ring that is. It made me think about all the promises we'd made to each other and how exciting the future was after all those years on my own.
I have sold my house now and am looking for something smaller, it wasn't what my future was supposed to be, this time last year. The process started off being exciting but now coupled with the stress of dealing with estate agents that don't seem to want to show me any houses and moving away from the house I've lived in for 15 years, it feels scary. I already don't really 'see' anyone as everyone is too busy with their lives and I don't like to bother anyone but moving to somewhere strange fills me with trepidation that I actually could disappear and apart from work, I don't think anyone would actually notice.
I have become invisible, important only to work but in reality would be replaced in the blink of an eye and that is my dilemma. I just don't think it's worth me being here anymore. I am sick of crying and overthinking everything. I moan all the time and it must make people hate me but in reality, I have no one else to talk to.
I used to ring my mother quite regularly but now she has the start of dementia, she doesn't remember anything you tell her and constantly asks the same things over and over, I miss the confidante, the advice giving and the intelligent woman she once was... the way she was unbiased and didn't always take your side but always seemed to say the right thing you needed to hear..... She has been replaced by this frail old woman, who can barely make a little walk to the market without telling you how unsteady she feels and tired so can she go home.....I miss her.
I moaned to my son tonight after another failed flat viewing and I could tell I was annoying him, as usual. He just kept saying 'but you said last night it was early doors.' Which I did but I don't need it used against me and it's not helpful when I'm upset. I ended up putting the phone down on him as he wasn't helping. I have since messaged him.to say that I won't bother ringing him anymore and won't bother him with details about flats. He has offered to come with me but anytime I've asked he is busy so I am left to look at these empty so called 'homes' by myself. It's a daunting task.
I dream about the little boy he once was, who doted on me, wanted all my attention and NEEDED me.... I miss him too.
I am supposed to go for a 'birthday meal' tomorrow night but I shouldn't be eating anything as I am already overweight which contributes to my self loathing of how I look. I want to go out and walk again but it is dark when I get home and very boring by myself, everyone is too busy or tired to go with me so I end up not.doing anything and go to bed early.
I am so unhappy of late and I shouldn't be, apparently I have so much going for me but I don't see it. I pretend to be happy though I know I am miserable. I know loads of the kids hate me at school but I'm just doing my job. I know I annoy people and I don't mean to.
If I wrote a suicide note, I'm have to make it funny as I'd hate to upset anyone. I sat and read a few on the internet tonight to see if how I feel compares to them, I'm not saying I'm going to do anything but I have considered all my options more than once, the last time.being when my relationship ended a couple of months ago. I know this all sounds very dramatic but I am deadly serious, the three days I had to take off work, gave me lots of time to think and here I am again.... alone....upset.... on the eve of being 53, I wish it wasn"t my birthday, I've never wanted it so little in my life.
I'm a mess, held together by nice clothes.
7.12.2021