Husband has contamination OCD - struggling to cope

[PurplePenguins123]

Apologies in advance - this is long

My DH has contamination OCD. His focus is asbestos. Long story short, our shed roof is made of asbestos and sustained minor damage by a contractor (who was made aware it was asbestos before hand, but wasn't very careful). The situation has been assessed by professionals, who said the stuff in the shed will need to be decontaminated, but the decontamination work DH did outside the shed would be sufficient. Two different professionals have said there's no way we will have any negative health impacts from anything outside the shed.

DH has always had a touch of OCD, but covid made it MUCH worse. He insisted all shopping was washed before being put away, refused to go into any shops for over a year, and if someone so much as placed post on the side everything would need disinfecting.

We're both now double-jabbed, so he's actually not too worried about covid now, but around the same time the above incident occurred and he transferred all his OCD attention onto that instead. None of us are allowed in the garden, including the dog who has to be walked down the road for a wee. I'm not supposed to take my toddler to see her elderly and lonely grandmother (next door, DH's mum) because he knows she went out in the garden and doesn't think she would have washed her hands properly. To do the bins, I have to wash my shoes after going out the back and also have a shower. He spends literally hours cleaning things obsessively if he thinks any kind of contamination has occurred. If I accidentally brush past some washing hanging to dry then it has to be rewashed.

The worst bit is that it's affecting our almost-2-yo DD. DH considers work his safe space, so every morning he has a shower then can't touch anything (like, I have to let him out of the stair gate etc.). I have to drive him to work because the car is considered "dirty" apart from the passenger seat which he spends hours cleaning. From the time he comes down to the time we leave, he panics if DD tries to come near him.
He will actively step back away from her, which is sad when she just wants to say hi to daddy. I'II literally have to plop her on the sofa with my phone so she doesn't run round. When he gets home he immediately changes his clothes and then he is ok to play with DD as he just accepts he is "dirty".

He knows it doesn't make any sense, and knows logically there is no harm. We had the house tested for asbestos, which came back negative, but he can't relax as of course the lady didn't sample every single surface.

I'm not allowed to use certain areas of the house which he considers more contaminated. We were/are in the middle of a long renovation before all this happened so literally stuff everywhere that I want to get cleared up but not allowed. If I accidentally do touch a contaminated area he says it feels like I am torturing him and accuses me of not helping him, even though I literally do so many weird things in a day to try and make him feel safer.

I was reading recently that my approach to try and help him is actually doing more harm than good, and that really family members should not be helping in cleaning rituals etc. So that made me feel shit. He literally breaks down if he thinks there has been a contamination event and gets very upset. He also gets very frustrated if I suggest things don't make sense.

He saw a Dr a month ago after eventually accepting this isn't normal, and he's now on citlopram. He is awaiting therapy, but has been told the initial consultation may still be another month or more away. I don't know if I've fully got this across well, but the situation is all consuming and heartbreaking. He can't think about anything else. No work on the renovation, no plans for the future, and until a couple of weeks ago he was spending all weekend cleaning things rather than spending time as a family. I guess I should be grateful for that improvement, but I am struggling to cope with the constant stress. I think about leaving, but that feels awful as he's a great dad and husband when he's having a good day. I just wish he could get better soon.

I'm not even sure what I'm posting for - just feel so alone. If anyone knows of any family support resources/groups, please do let me know.

I'm not allowed to use certain areas of the house

It sounds tough. My first thought is what would happen if you simply ignored him? Stop letting him out of the stair gate, let your DD play in the garden, use all areas of your house. I wonder if by ‘going along with it’ you’re sort of legitimising it for him?

@Bloose

I'm not allowed to use certain areas of the house

It sounds tough. My first thought is what would happen if you simply ignored him? Stop letting him out of the stair gate, let your DD play in the garden, use all areas of your house. I wonder if by ‘going along with it’ you’re sort of legitimising it for him?

I think I am legitimising it. That's what all the mental health websites seem to say. I've said this to him. There's a treatment that's normally recommended where the patient is exposed to gradually increasing levels of perceived contamination, and isn't supposed to perform the cleaning rituals to get accustomed to normal life. I've said this to him but he says he would want to do it under the control of the therapist because he can't cope with the idea without proper support. He would get very upset and either cry or shout out of panic, neither is great with DD around.

Can he pay for private therapy?
CBT will do exposure response.
He may respond better to EMDR?

Also he'll usually blame me for a contamination event because of course my brain doesn't work the same way as his so I don't always remember that this particularly corner of the bathroom is considered contaminated of whatever. He can say some horrible things like it all being my fault, then later when he starts thinking rationally he apologises.

I have OCD. Its exhausting. And you're right, it tortuous.

But I am having counselling to try and help me to deal with it. It was taking over my life and I didn't want it to. Nothing anybody said or did affected the compulsion to be have obsessively.

And it's only got better since I have acknowledged that it is OCD and acknowledged that I don't want to love like that any more.

It's been really hard. But I am slowly getting better and some days are better than others. Every day I have to fight the urges. It's even more exhausting trying to not let the OCD win.

Pay for counselling for him, get that ball rolling!

I said let's just throw money at it and get private therapy but he doesn't want to cancel the NHS one as apparently it can affect your ability to access therapy through them again in the future? So he says anyway.

I hadn't heard of EMDR, so thanks, I will look into it.

Honestly I might start looking into private therapists. It sounds like once he has initial consultation it might still be another wait before treatment can begin, from his conversation with them?

The fact he knows and accepts he is being irrational is a good sign. How does he react if you try to walk away from him when he’s shouting that it’s all your fault? When you’ve ‘contaminated’ something and he’s freaking out, could you say something like ‘ I can see you’re upset. I’m going to take DD to the park/for dinner with my mum/I’m going to go and have a bath/cup of tea and we can talk about it afterwards.

This is horrendous. Does he now have insight and realise it's in his mind and the impact on others?

My DH has been similar although not as bad. In the end I told him he has to address it because I'm not living the rest of my life like that and the DC shouldn't have to either. He started CBT privately. After doing the initial assessments he had a real shock how bad he was- almost at the max of anxiety scales. The fact he was surprised was an eye opener for me as I thought it was so obvious- it was dominating our lives. Anyway now he is really trying to sort himself out.

If you can afford CBT privately I'd do it. The wait for NHS could be a couple of years. Can you live like this that long? Won't your marriage break down? He probably only thinks it can wait as he lacks insight into how bad he is.

Should add my Dh knew he was anxious. He just thought he was a bit stressed about things that were naturally worrying. Whilst I thought he was riddled with implausible fears and restricting the lives of everyone in the family.

@Babyiskickingmyribs

The fact he knows and accepts he is being irrational is a good sign. How does he react if you try to walk away from him when he’s shouting that it’s all your fault? When you’ve ‘contaminated’ something and he’s freaking out, could you say something like ‘ I can see you’re upset. I’m going to take DD to the park/for dinner with my mum/I’m going to go and have a bath/cup of tea and we can talk about it afterwards.

That usually is what happens to be honest. I'll take DD and the dog for a walk or something and leave him to his decontamination rituals. He acts ok when we get back, and later we have a talk and he apologises.

Honestly I think that while he is trying to do the right thing, this is a very inappropriate environment for a toddler to be growing up in.

My ex had severe depression and anxiety, and it wasn't until I made a throwaway comment about something at home to someone, and I saw the horror on her face, that I realised how much our entire lives were being dominated by his mental health issues.

I saw a counsellor myself, it really helped me set up boundaries and also reframe our home lives around all of our needs and not just his - and to see the harm being caused to our DCs.

In his case, he moved out for a few months while he got help, turn came back. He is an ex, unfortunately, because we left it too long, so much damage had been done and because although when well he's a good person and he does work hard on his health, unfortunately there's only so far that treatment has been able to take him. You might be in a better place, but for all your sakes and especially your DD, your way of living needs to change pretty drastically and quite soon, it may be that waiting the many many months until his condition improves is not appropriate.

Also is there a difference in his reactions when he sees a contamination event and when he hears about it later? Like could he cope knowing DD played in the garden earlier in the day if she’s had her bath by the time he comes home? I’m thinking you might be able to totally disregard his rules when he is out of the house. He’d have to learn to cope knowing you don’t follow his rules when he’s not there, but he won’t have to see it happen. He might be ok with this, especially if you don’t talk about it with him particularly. It shouldn’t be a secret though, because that would be crap for you and impossible for your toddler.

@MotherOfCrocodiles

This is horrendous. Does he now have insight and realise it's in his mind and the impact on others?

My DH has been similar although not as bad. In the end I told him he has to address it because I'm not living the rest of my life like that and the DC shouldn't have to either. He started CBT privately. After doing the initial assessments he had a real shock how bad he was- almost at the max of anxiety scales. The fact he was surprised was an eye opener for me as I thought it was so obvious- it was dominating our lives. Anyway now he is really trying to sort himself out.

If you can afford CBT privately I'd do it. The wait for NHS could be a couple of years. Can you live like this that long? Won't your marriage break down? He probably only thinks it can wait as he lacks insight into how bad he is.

I absolutely could not bear this for another two years. I can barely hold out the new few weeks. He knows how upset it makes me. At first I was talking about it all with my mum to avoid upsetting him further, but he was sad to hear that I felt I couldn't come to him about it.

I'm glad your husband is getting help. Is it working? I dread this being a very long process, although I know it will be.

Yes, it is working, he's been 3-4 times and I see a big difference . cBT doesn't take years, it's not like analysis. They give the patient tools to recognise and manage their triggers.

Also- it's not like the anxiety has gone overnight but it's just such a relief that he has acknowledged the problem and is trying to get better. I can support him as long as he's trying!

@OverTheRubicon

Honestly I think that while he is trying to do the right thing, this is a very inappropriate environment for a toddler to be growing up in.

My ex had severe depression and anxiety, and it wasn't until I made a throwaway comment about something at home to someone, and I saw the horror on her face, that I realised how much our entire lives were being dominated by his mental health issues.

I saw a counsellor myself, it really helped me set up boundaries and also reframe our home lives around all of our needs and not just his - and to see the harm being caused to our DCs.

In his case, he moved out for a few months while he got help, turn came back. He is an ex, unfortunately, because we left it too long, so much damage had been done and because although when well he's a good person and he does work hard on his health, unfortunately there's only so far that treatment has been able to take him. You might be in a better place, but for all your sakes and especially your DD, your way of living needs to change pretty drastically and quite soon, it may be that waiting the many many months until his condition improves is not appropriate.

Thanks for your honesty. I have suggested previously that he or all of us should move out, but he is quite against it as he fears he would never be able to come back. Just this morning I told him again that DD should be able to move freely around her own house and interact with objects that aren't dangerous (she grabbed a shoe and he freaked out that it may have traces of asbestos on it and immediately took her to wash her hands, while she was crying "my shoooe"). To be honest you have a very good point about this being inappropriate for DD. I have been trying to shield her from everything but of course kids pick up.on more than you think

You absolutely shouldn’t feel bad about discussing this with your mum. His behavior is putting you under a lot of stress and it’s unrealistic to expect you to only speak to him about that because he is the source of your stress! That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk to him about it too, but the conversations you have with your mum are probably about you and how you are dealing with your husband’s behaviour and not about your husband and how he’s dealing with his OCD.

I don't think he could handle that. He would have to clean everything and I would have an interrogation of "what did she touch" for hours/days.

@PurplePenguins123

I don't think he could handle that. He would have to clean everything and I would have an interrogation of "what did she touch" for hours/days.

Sorry, this was to @Babyiskickingmyribs

@MotherOfCrocodiles

Yes, it is working, he's been 3-4 times and I see a big difference . cBT doesn't take years, it's not like analysis. They give the patient tools to recognise and manage their triggers.

Also- it's not like the anxiety has gone overnight but it's just such a relief that he has acknowledged the problem and is trying to get better. I can support him as long as he's trying!

That's a relief. I'm glad he's getting better so quickly! I said the same to DH. I will support you trying to get better but won't put up with this if you aren't. That's what sent him to the Dr in the first place.

From the time he comes down to the time we leave, he panics if DD tries to come near him.
He will actively step back away from her, which is sad when she just wants to say hi to daddy. I'II literally have to plop her on the sofa with my phone so she doesn't run round

Saying this as someone who is been there, but failed to recognise how bad things have got - this and other things in your OP would absolutely meet the threshold to being a neglectful household in terms of meeting your DD's emotional needs. I appreciate he is not trying to cause harm, and you are trying to help, but I'm really worried about your DD.

My eldest is 8 and I had no idea how badly all that his dad went through would affect him. He'd voiced how for years he thought it might be good if he died, because he was convinced that we would all be better off without him because of the stress he caused his father. He has some fairly significant issues and is seeing a psychologist.

As someone who has been there, I think that you (and your DH, if he has enough insight) need to consider how things can change asap.

This is heartbreaking and I would worry about the impact this is having on your own mental health and on your DD who is forming her understanding of the world observing very unhealthy rules and routines.

I really think you need to push forward with counselling as quickly as possible and begin to set your own rules around what you are and aren't willing to compromise on with regards to his 'rules'. His needs and feelings do not trump yours and DDs, however unwell he is. If his illness is so severe that it's hugely and negatively affecting the quality of your lives then he or you perhaps need to look at alternative living arrangements until he is well enough to cope more with family life.

DD won't grow up remembering happy playful dad that can cope with her under his own obscure rules, she will grow up remembering being rejected every time she runs to her daddy's arms for a cuddle. I sympathise with his illness and it must be unimaginably hard but if he isn't willing or capable to make big changes quickly it really isn't a healthy way for you all to be living.

This situation is totally unsustainable in that case. Your daughter is going to start playing more independently and not necessarily in the same room as you at all times - you’re not going to know if she touched the windowsill in the bathroom or the space next to the small radiator behind the sofa. This might be the case already. Will he start interrogating her about what she’s touched in the house every day?

@PurplePenguins123

I said let's just throw money at it and get private therapy but he doesn't want to cancel the NHS one as apparently it can affect your ability to access therapy through them again in the future? So he says anyway.

I hadn't heard of EMDR, so thanks, I will look into it.

Honestly I might start looking into private therapists. It sounds like once he has initial consultation it might still be another wait before treatment can begin, from his conversation with them?

I think the nhs do initial sessions with a CBT assistant. You need someone with experience of ocd. Nhs likes CBT as it’s measurable but I feel it sets up a battle that isn’t helpful long term. Emdr will help him process. Phone some therapists. Ideally he should do this to see if they can work together.

Have a look if there are some self-referral courses of therapy. Our local health board has some, which you access via their website.

In the meantime, I'd contact some of the ocd charities for advice. My friend had ocd & it's awful, she used to volunteer at one, so I know they have helplines.

This is no way to live for you.

How does he manage at work? He doesn't have any control over his environment there, does he?