Husband has contamination OCD - struggling to cope

[PurplePenguins123]

Apologies in advance - this is long

My DH has contamination OCD. His focus is asbestos. Long story short, our shed roof is made of asbestos and sustained minor damage by a contractor (who was made aware it was asbestos before hand, but wasn't very careful). The situation has been assessed by professionals, who said the stuff in the shed will need to be decontaminated, but the decontamination work DH did outside the shed would be sufficient. Two different professionals have said there's no way we will have any negative health impacts from anything outside the shed.

DH has always had a touch of OCD, but covid made it MUCH worse. He insisted all shopping was washed before being put away, refused to go into any shops for over a year, and if someone so much as placed post on the side everything would need disinfecting.

We're both now double-jabbed, so he's actually not too worried about covid now, but around the same time the above incident occurred and he transferred all his OCD attention onto that instead. None of us are allowed in the garden, including the dog who has to be walked down the road for a wee. I'm not supposed to take my toddler to see her elderly and lonely grandmother (next door, DH's mum) because he knows she went out in the garden and doesn't think she would have washed her hands properly. To do the bins, I have to wash my shoes after going out the back and also have a shower. He spends literally hours cleaning things obsessively if he thinks any kind of contamination has occurred. If I accidentally brush past some washing hanging to dry then it has to be rewashed.

The worst bit is that it's affecting our almost-2-yo DD. DH considers work his safe space, so every morning he has a shower then can't touch anything (like, I have to let him out of the stair gate etc.). I have to drive him to work because the car is considered "dirty" apart from the passenger seat which he spends hours cleaning. From the time he comes down to the time we leave, he panics if DD tries to come near him.
He will actively step back away from her, which is sad when she just wants to say hi to daddy. I'II literally have to plop her on the sofa with my phone so she doesn't run round. When he gets home he immediately changes his clothes and then he is ok to play with DD as he just accepts he is "dirty".

He knows it doesn't make any sense, and knows logically there is no harm. We had the house tested for asbestos, which came back negative, but he can't relax as of course the lady didn't sample every single surface.

I'm not allowed to use certain areas of the house which he considers more contaminated. We were/are in the middle of a long renovation before all this happened so literally stuff everywhere that I want to get cleared up but not allowed. If I accidentally do touch a contaminated area he says it feels like I am torturing him and accuses me of not helping him, even though I literally do so many weird things in a day to try and make him feel safer.

I was reading recently that my approach to try and help him is actually doing more harm than good, and that really family members should not be helping in cleaning rituals etc. So that made me feel shit. He literally breaks down if he thinks there has been a contamination event and gets very upset. He also gets very frustrated if I suggest things don't make sense.

He saw a Dr a month ago after eventually accepting this isn't normal, and he's now on citlopram. He is awaiting therapy, but has been told the initial consultation may still be another month or more away. I don't know if I've fully got this across well, but the situation is all consuming and heartbreaking. He can't think about anything else. No work on the renovation, no plans for the future, and until a couple of weeks ago he was spending all weekend cleaning things rather than spending time as a family. I guess I should be grateful for that improvement, but I am struggling to cope with the constant stress. I think about leaving, but that feels awful as he's a great dad and husband when he's having a good day. I just wish he could get better soon.

I'm not even sure what I'm posting for - just feel so alone. If anyone knows of any family support resources/groups, please do let me know.

@HollowTalk

How does he manage at work? He doesn't have any control over his environment there, does he?

Work is ok in general because the asbestos contamination is all from the shed in our garden. His bosses do know about the situation and are happy for him to have time off for therapy etc.. During the period where covid was his focus he was working from home, so no issues there.

I have ocd and it’s har debit whatever to do, don’t reassure him constantly it last what OCD feeds off. You literally cannot win against OCD with logic and you’ll never feel safe however many rituals you do because there will always always be a new ‘what if’ exposure is the only thing that works, and it’s really hard and uncomfortable to do but it’s really the only way. He needs to basically learn to feel ok with feeling anxious.
And he really needs to stop letting it become yours and his DDs problem. I’ve had some very extreme episodes of OCD and I put all my energy into not ever letting it dictate anything my children do.

Sorry lots of typos! Meant to say *whatever you do don’t constantly reassure him, it’s what OCD feeds off.
Accepting uncertainty, and redirecting yourself and your time to things that align with your values, helps a lot more than doing all the rituals etc
So for example if I think something is contaminated I’ll just acknowledge that it could be, even go worst case scenario in my head, but just accept that anything COULD happen and you can’t control everything. Then try and distract myself with something that aligns with my values e.g something nice for the kids etc
It’s actually pretty awful and really
tough to beat ocd because you basically just have to accept that it is technically possible that, for example, you could be contaminated with asbestos (though obviously extremely unlikely) and everyone in the home could get cancer from it and it could be awful, but anywhere could be contaminated with asbestos you can’t control everything and risk is a part of life.
It feels very about not giving power to the thoughts.
The most helpful thing you can do is just continue to go about your business as normal, go in the garden, don’t re wash things etc because by doing so you’re actually giving mor power to his obsessions (I don’t mean that in a horrible way because you clearly have the best intentions!)

Putting the OCD to one side for a minute, because it sounds like it’ll probably transfer to something else anyway… are you making arrangements to sort the shed out? If the roof is asbestos and is damaged you do need think about getting it removed by a licensed contractor.

That might buy you a bit of time for him to get into therapy.

@OverTheRubicon

*From the time he comes down to the time we leave, he panics if DD tries to come near him. He will actively step back away from her, which is sad when she just wants to say hi to daddy. I'II literally have to plop her on the sofa with my phone so she doesn't run round*

Saying this as someone who is been there, but failed to recognise how bad things have got - this and other things in your OP would absolutely meet the threshold to being a neglectful household in terms of meeting your DD's emotional needs. I appreciate he is not trying to cause harm, and you are trying to help, but I'm really worried about your DD.

My eldest is 8 and I had no idea how badly all that his dad went through would affect him. He'd voiced how for years he thought it might be good if he died, because he was convinced that we would all be better off without him because of the stress he caused his father. He has some fairly significant issues and is seeing a psychologist.

As someone who has been there, I think that you (and your DH, if he has enough insight) need to consider how things can change asap.

That's hard reading, but thank you for your honesty. Most of the time she doesn't see anything, but of course it needs sorting now before it affects her too

@RestingPandaFace

Putting the OCD to one side for a minute, because it sounds like it’ll probably transfer to something else anyway… are you making arrangements to sort the shed out? If the roof is asbestos and is damaged you do need think about getting it removed by a licensed contractor.

That might buy you a bit of time for him to get into therapy.

Yes, we have a quote for its removal but I think he's a bit panicky about the process, even though they are specialists and it is a very involved (and expensive) process

I'd not be abiding by his rules.

His ocd is his problem and you shouldn't pander to it.

Most of the time she doesn't see anything, but of course it needs sorting now before it affects her too

You mentioned him 'crying and panicking'. Saying it's all your fault. Freaking out and snatching her shoe while she cries. Spending hours cleaning a car seat and a whole weekend cleaning the house. How he backs away from her when 'unclean'. How this is 'all consuming' and the constant level stress this must be causing you.

Our family therapist explained that children listen to and pick up on far more than we ever think, and how because they are naturally self-centric, they will at a fundamental level feel that this is their fault.

She's already very affected, no way she isn't. I feel really mean saying all this, but I wish someone had said it to me, and I'm part of a support group that would all wished to have hear it too - even though we may not have been ready to hear it. It's great you're taking steps, and hope very much that you both are able to sort this.

I know this is hard to think about but honestly, this is already affecting your DD. As a PP said she is laying down her foundation for understanding the world and relationships. Feeling unsafe, hearing / experiencing the emotions your husband is experiencing, this is all being absorbed and will affect her. You really need to change this now.

Can he move out, can you and your DD move out? I’m loathe to suggest removing the shed as it sounds like he’ll fixate in something else.

I have struggled with similar in the past. I eventually had CBT which didn't really work bit EMDR has made a massive difference. However it feels like it's rather acute just now and maybe time to seek help from GP for something to deal with the anxiety. I have felt it creeping up again recently - I start being extra vigilent re food in fridge, convincing myself something is off despite having days left on the date etc so know that I need to start spending more time outside in the fresh air and it seems to pass after a few days.

The citalopram needs to be high dose for OCD. If there's no improvement he should go back to his Gp to up the dose

He/ You should also ask the GP to make the therapy referral urgent citing the emotional harm to your DD or pay privately if you can afford it. He needs specifics ERP CBT.

You should 100% stop enabling any of it. Do not wash your shoes or abide by any of the other silly rules as this will make it worse. Behind many people with severe OCD are family members trying to be kind but actually maintaining and entrenching the symptoms.

You shouldn't deliberately try to provoke him but just behave as you usually would. Do not try to argue either just calmly state that as you do not agree there is any risk you will be living your life as normal.

I’m sorry OP

This sounds incredibly stressful and unfortunately, unless things start to change it will break you two apart or worse start to severely affect your toddler

I think you need to encourage him to go private as much as you can

I think he honestly needs to take a lot more responsibility for himself, this behaviour will have a lasting effect on your DD if he keeps it up. Having a mental illness doesn’t give you an excuse to treat others badly or dictate what they do. I bet he would never ask his boss to wash their hands if he felt they were contaminated. I would be tempted to
Tell him he either moves out whilst he sorts himself out, or he lets you can DD go about the house as normal and stops his OCD from dictating what other people do.

Just for you and try not to worry about things you have done in the past. Of course you try and help your husband and try to do what it takes to be a family together. My dh didn't have OCD but did have psychosis and some paranoia, and you do things partly because how are you supposed to know how to handle stuff like this, and because you're a loving person who wants to ease distress.

I do hope though that advice here and in therapy will help you find a way forward. I wonder about support for you? I don't know of specific support groups but clearly they exist. Also don't rule out seeing your own GP. You sound as if you're holding on by your fingernails and giving enormous amounts of support to everyone else. Not sure whats left for you.

I’d suggest you get it all removed and be done with it. Move out while it’s happening, having locked all the windows firmly shit with plastic sheets taped on in the insides if necessary and expect to get a cleaner in afterwards to do the inside of the house.

If he can’t face that you should move house.

Asbestos is scary stuff. I’m in a similar situation with my mothers garage roof. I want the whole thing demolished and gone. But she doesn’t. She just wants to lay stuff over it. I want it gone so it feels safer in there. I hate it.

Shut not shit ha ha!

If he panics every time DD goes near him how do you think that is not affecting her? How do you think she is just picking up on things? Her father is recoiling if she goes near him, that must be causing some deep trauma particularly as she is far too young to be able to process that at all. A primary caregiver is recoiling from her. You really need to think about what that means and how that is affecting her.

If he won't get proper help you need to sit him down and tell him this is it, he gets help or he goes somewhere else. I'm not saying ltb but something has to give before your DD is irreparably scarred.

This must be so stressful and upsetting for you, and clearly for your DP as well.
But, as PPs have suggested, his OCD is not about the shed or asbestos contamination, and is likely to re-emerge under a new guise if the former is rectified (DP has been through similar).
I am just posting to reflect back to you the recognition that his needs are becoming the waters in which you swim, the conditions under which you live your lives, which you become totally accustomed to quite quickly. Please don't feel bad for not complying with the directive. And don't feel like you have to stay in this relationship; your DP has to be proactive about seeking help and pulling out all the stops to get on-board with treatment and therapy; that's where his true relief and salvation lies, not in you doing as he says. Make that very clear as soon as possible. And then move on, guilt-free, for your own and your DD's sake if it doesn't improve. Wishing you all the best.

@NotMyDayJob

If he panics every time DD goes near him how do you think that is not affecting her? How do you think she is just picking up on things? Her father is recoiling if she goes near him, that must be causing some deep trauma particularly as she is far too young to be able to process that at all. A primary caregiver is recoiling from her. You really need to think about what that means and how that is affecting her.

If he won't get proper help you need to sit him down and tell him this is it, he gets help or he goes somewhere else. I'm not saying ltb but something has to give before your DD is irreparably scarred.

Just to clarify, it's only the few minutes before he leaves for work that he acts I'm this way. After work and all weekend he is great with her, with the exception of washing her hands/steering her away from certain parts of the house. Not recoiling every time she tries to speak with him. The current way we cope with this is to stick her in front of Peppa pig for a few minutes before we leave. Not ideal, I know

*in this way

While that doesn't sound as bad as you first laid it out, it really doesn't matter. Something like that shouldn't be happening at all, like never. She's only little and her dad recoils from her. It is not just less than ideal. It is so far from ideal as to be intergalactic in proportion.

You're enabling his wrong beliefs and making them more entrenched. You have to stop doing things like driving him to work. And he absolutely has to sort himself out before he seriously affects his dd. He's the only one on his brain and he's the only one who n change his behaviour. Tough love is needed.

I recommend Break Free From OCD - it has exercises to do that will help.

I am SO worried for your DD in this situation. In sorry but I'm really going to focus on her. Because she's at such a formative stage of life, when she needs the adults in her life to be totally reliable and loving.

I just want to get her out of there to be honest. Or get him out. I know it's terribly terribly hard for you, but you have a toddler who can't access her garden or whole areas of her house, whose father shrinks away from her, whose mother is constantly stressed, and who has things grabbed out of her hands etc. Your account is quite agonising to read to be honest. Life is so unpredictable and stressful for her.

You're all suffering terribly, I know, but please, please get her out of this environment somehow.
Can you move in with your mum for a while?

Sorry, cross posted

And you need to stop making excuses for him. Yes he needs help, he's not evil or anything but having a mental illness doesn't give you carte blanche to do what you want and to hang with anyone elses sanity. I'm focussing on your DD, like the pp, because I had a mentally ill parent and while we're all sat worrying about how to help people with their problems, children are getting hurt