Husband has contamination OCD - struggling to cope

[PurplePenguins123]

Apologies in advance - this is long

My DH has contamination OCD. His focus is asbestos. Long story short, our shed roof is made of asbestos and sustained minor damage by a contractor (who was made aware it was asbestos before hand, but wasn't very careful). The situation has been assessed by professionals, who said the stuff in the shed will need to be decontaminated, but the decontamination work DH did outside the shed would be sufficient. Two different professionals have said there's no way we will have any negative health impacts from anything outside the shed.

DH has always had a touch of OCD, but covid made it MUCH worse. He insisted all shopping was washed before being put away, refused to go into any shops for over a year, and if someone so much as placed post on the side everything would need disinfecting.

We're both now double-jabbed, so he's actually not too worried about covid now, but around the same time the above incident occurred and he transferred all his OCD attention onto that instead. None of us are allowed in the garden, including the dog who has to be walked down the road for a wee. I'm not supposed to take my toddler to see her elderly and lonely grandmother (next door, DH's mum) because he knows she went out in the garden and doesn't think she would have washed her hands properly. To do the bins, I have to wash my shoes after going out the back and also have a shower. He spends literally hours cleaning things obsessively if he thinks any kind of contamination has occurred. If I accidentally brush past some washing hanging to dry then it has to be rewashed.

The worst bit is that it's affecting our almost-2-yo DD. DH considers work his safe space, so every morning he has a shower then can't touch anything (like, I have to let him out of the stair gate etc.). I have to drive him to work because the car is considered "dirty" apart from the passenger seat which he spends hours cleaning. From the time he comes down to the time we leave, he panics if DD tries to come near him.
He will actively step back away from her, which is sad when she just wants to say hi to daddy. I'II literally have to plop her on the sofa with my phone so she doesn't run round. When he gets home he immediately changes his clothes and then he is ok to play with DD as he just accepts he is "dirty".

He knows it doesn't make any sense, and knows logically there is no harm. We had the house tested for asbestos, which came back negative, but he can't relax as of course the lady didn't sample every single surface.

I'm not allowed to use certain areas of the house which he considers more contaminated. We were/are in the middle of a long renovation before all this happened so literally stuff everywhere that I want to get cleared up but not allowed. If I accidentally do touch a contaminated area he says it feels like I am torturing him and accuses me of not helping him, even though I literally do so many weird things in a day to try and make him feel safer.

I was reading recently that my approach to try and help him is actually doing more harm than good, and that really family members should not be helping in cleaning rituals etc. So that made me feel shit. He literally breaks down if he thinks there has been a contamination event and gets very upset. He also gets very frustrated if I suggest things don't make sense.

He saw a Dr a month ago after eventually accepting this isn't normal, and he's now on citlopram. He is awaiting therapy, but has been told the initial consultation may still be another month or more away. I don't know if I've fully got this across well, but the situation is all consuming and heartbreaking. He can't think about anything else. No work on the renovation, no plans for the future, and until a couple of weeks ago he was spending all weekend cleaning things rather than spending time as a family. I guess I should be grateful for that improvement, but I am struggling to cope with the constant stress. I think about leaving, but that feels awful as he's a great dad and husband when he's having a good day. I just wish he could get better soon.

I'm not even sure what I'm posting for - just feel so alone. If anyone knows of any family support resources/groups, please do let me know.

Just wanted to say that you mustn’t feel guilty OP. You are trying to do your best in a very stressful situation. DBIL has similar issues and I’ve seen firsthand how family need to do a small amount of ‘enabling’ just to keep him alive and functioning.

Are you sure your DH has OCD BrilloPaddy? I ask because what you describe could just as easily be OCPD.

OCD can often be very debilitating. If your DH does have it mildly he's lucky.

Or he could just like things being neat of course BrilloPaddy.

What’s OCPD?

@Rummikub
People who like order a bit too much can sometimes have OCPD, and it can be confused with OCD sometimes too. I'm not really trying to suggest BrilloPaddy's DH has it btw, but more pointing out that her description of his alleged OCD symptoms was somewhat equivocal.
www.healthline.com/health/obsessive-compulsive-personality-disorder

Thank you
Very interesting reading

Getting rid of the asbestos won't help, he will simply transfer his OCD to something else. My ex (note ex) was affecting my children, his 'thing' was an obsession with dog dirt and how they had to take their shoes off on the mat and if they then trod on the mat with their socks he would freak out. I was a young mum and very naive and did probably reinforce some of his behaviours by trying not to do things in his sight that I knew would bother him, eventually after he had snapped at one of the children again I quietly took him to one side and told him that if his OCD continued to affect the children I would have to divorce him. His obsession switched that day to other things, which in hindsight proves that he had some degree of control over it. Unfortunately my ex would never acknowledge that he had a mental illness and would not access help. As he got older he got worse until he became paranoid and very angry when people did not comply with his obsessions. I became frightened of him after he tried to attack someone that had done something that he perceived as contaminating him and eventually separated. I should have done this a lot sooner and saved my children living with this. They are all adults now and do not have much of a relationship with him, they have all had some degree of anxiety/mild mental health issues and I do blame myself for not removing them from the situation sooner.

"The little things" mount up, OP.
Being made to feel unreasonable and guilty for not "helping" is so back-to-front; "If you'd only do these small things I ask of you..." I know it inside out, and really feel for you, OP. He is using the NHS waiting list thing as an excuse. Please insist he goes private if you've the strenght.
God, how I wish there was a button women could hit to be 'rescued' from situations like these where it is too hard to see the wood for the trees to summon the energy to exit; just lifted out and helped to settle somewhere safe and sane with zero drama.

Don't blame yourself OP. You can support him by supporting when he is getting treatment- not by complying with his rituals.

With my DH there was a long phase of him saying he is getting better and I should be grateful he's not doing xyz anymore. I think he genuinely thought he was managing it because he had forced himself to "cope" with something he found threatening (eg, went to the zoo with us- but was tense and snappy all day and for days afterwards, he was talking about people he thought could have infected him, testing multiple times a day etc). I initially thought he would gradually return to normal this way, but eventually I realised that it wasn't getting anywhere near normal anytime soon

In the end I had to tell him this is not enough, we need him to address it properly, he's no longer the person I married etc.

I used the word "milder" in comparison to the OP's DH as obviously this is a very serious situation .......... and frankly any level of compulsive behaviour isn't easy to live with, whatever it is called.

As the OP will be only too aware of.

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

Yeah, I'm going to be the hardass here, I'm sorry There is no way your DD isn't being significantly affected. If he can't live with you unless you conform to his rituals and compulsions, then he can't live with you right now, and needs to move out until his mental health is better.

I agree. Your daughter comes first. He moves out until he’s better or a long way along in recovery.

Sorry but this is controlling behaviour of you covered up by the asbestos obsession. Be careful and don't give his behaviour any further attention. Live your daily life as normally as possible withyour DD or move in with grandma next door?

Don't let any man control you, OCD or no OCD.

Also when did this start, as I'm wondering is it since birth of DD to redirect your attention back onto him and it's become more intense and out of control now. Keep yourself safe as your DD needs a normal home life. And you do too. He needs to get a grip. Sorry OP. But this is massively damaging and frankly selfish behaviour from him.

Was he always like this op? Since meeting? Or did something trigger it - to make it worse, I mean.

I am puzzled. How does he manage at work. Or is it only in your house that hes like this

He needs to get a grip

Ignorant and ridiculous comment. He is mentally ill, and far from being selfish, OCD sufferers are usually motivated by protecting their loved ones from perceived fears and danger.

OP, I suggest taking the posters who have no understanding of this mental illness with a pinch of salt. I have direct experience of OCD and reading your opening post it felt clear that he is very ill. Yes, technically, you shouldn’t aid his compulsions and rituals although it’s very hard to turn your back on the visceral pain and upset of seeing someone you love in distress.

With targeted 1-2-1 therapy he can conquer this and take steps to regain control of his life. The crucial element is that he has to want to get better as it will be a very tough journey. There is no shame in stepping back from him and the relationship while he does this, especially with your DD to consider.

I don't have any experience of this but you sound like you're trying so hard and this would have finished me off a long time ago - you have the patience of a saint.

I'd definitely start changing your language if you can - again to stop legitimising it and to try to help name and therefore separate him from his illness.

Eg it's not a 'contamination' event - it's an OCD event. Areas aren't contaminated - they're "OCD focus areas". Don't use the word asbestos - again, frame everything as an 'OCD focus' or OCD event.

He's probably keen to stay with NHS as he knows it will take so long! It must be terrifying for him to think his 'coping mechanisms' are going to be taken away. I'd definitely go private - if he's that worried about perceived affect on future treatment, do the NHS stuff too!

Don’t feel like an arsehole for not pandering to it. You need to keep not pandering. As others said you’re enabling it and making it worse when you do. So keep saying no.

If it wasn’t the shed op it would be something else. What you describe as parts of the house being off limits show it’s nothing about the shed, that’s just his focus area right now.

Go tidy your areas, use all the house, stop him when he tries to do something he shouldn’t. Make it clear every time. He needs to understand fully amd recognise it totally. Not be agreed with and validated.

Because that’s what his head tells him. When you do as he says he thinks deep down it’s becayse you know he’s right.

I hope you're okay op

My late dp had OCD, it was in some ways horrendous & in other ways good, I had the best cleaner I had ever had, the fridge & cupboards had never been so tidy with everything in perfect rows, labels all the same way like in a supermarket. We had some terrible arguments over it & it split us up several times.

I haven’t read all posts OP, but i both sympathise and can relate as my DS18 has OCD and one of his facets is contamination. Contamination OCD is a tricky one as there are perceived and actual risks of contamination that we face in everyday living which we invariably cannot completely and shouldn’t try to totally avoid. So, for example the fear of becoming seriously ill from your own body waste for example in a first world country is very unlikely - perceived rather than real, as long as we all have basic hygiene standards. But of course asbestos as we all know is dangerous and does present risk. Whilst in any normal OCD scenario you would encourage some exposure response and try and get the sufferer to acclimatise to the danger, I think this episode is doing such widespread harm that I’d be tempted to remove your DH from the house completely for 2-3 days and get a fully licensed and reputable firm in to do a complete removal and clean up job of everything….including the lawns, paving etc - then start afresh. There’s to be no more talk of it ever again. Bring him back only once the job is done.
Having asbestos in your home is thankfully very rare occurrence and so the likelihood of such a hazardous material ever entering your husbands life again it’s hopefully going to be unusual. I had a similar incident with my son involved me using ant powder on his bathroom floor and it wasn’t until I removed him from the bathroom and bedroom and steam cleaned the whole area that you finally put the matter to bed.
He still does have contamination OCD about various things but it’s not nearly to the same level and we try and talk things through the very rational manner. He just follows very basic rule of thumb that generally if you wash your hands before you eat and after using the toilet that’s fine. I hope this helps!