Husband has contamination OCD - struggling to cope

[PurplePenguins123]

Apologies in advance - this is long

My DH has contamination OCD. His focus is asbestos. Long story short, our shed roof is made of asbestos and sustained minor damage by a contractor (who was made aware it was asbestos before hand, but wasn't very careful). The situation has been assessed by professionals, who said the stuff in the shed will need to be decontaminated, but the decontamination work DH did outside the shed would be sufficient. Two different professionals have said there's no way we will have any negative health impacts from anything outside the shed.

DH has always had a touch of OCD, but covid made it MUCH worse. He insisted all shopping was washed before being put away, refused to go into any shops for over a year, and if someone so much as placed post on the side everything would need disinfecting.

We're both now double-jabbed, so he's actually not too worried about covid now, but around the same time the above incident occurred and he transferred all his OCD attention onto that instead. None of us are allowed in the garden, including the dog who has to be walked down the road for a wee. I'm not supposed to take my toddler to see her elderly and lonely grandmother (next door, DH's mum) because he knows she went out in the garden and doesn't think she would have washed her hands properly. To do the bins, I have to wash my shoes after going out the back and also have a shower. He spends literally hours cleaning things obsessively if he thinks any kind of contamination has occurred. If I accidentally brush past some washing hanging to dry then it has to be rewashed.

The worst bit is that it's affecting our almost-2-yo DD. DH considers work his safe space, so every morning he has a shower then can't touch anything (like, I have to let him out of the stair gate etc.). I have to drive him to work because the car is considered "dirty" apart from the passenger seat which he spends hours cleaning. From the time he comes down to the time we leave, he panics if DD tries to come near him.
He will actively step back away from her, which is sad when she just wants to say hi to daddy. I'II literally have to plop her on the sofa with my phone so she doesn't run round. When he gets home he immediately changes his clothes and then he is ok to play with DD as he just accepts he is "dirty".

He knows it doesn't make any sense, and knows logically there is no harm. We had the house tested for asbestos, which came back negative, but he can't relax as of course the lady didn't sample every single surface.

I'm not allowed to use certain areas of the house which he considers more contaminated. We were/are in the middle of a long renovation before all this happened so literally stuff everywhere that I want to get cleared up but not allowed. If I accidentally do touch a contaminated area he says it feels like I am torturing him and accuses me of not helping him, even though I literally do so many weird things in a day to try and make him feel safer.

I was reading recently that my approach to try and help him is actually doing more harm than good, and that really family members should not be helping in cleaning rituals etc. So that made me feel shit. He literally breaks down if he thinks there has been a contamination event and gets very upset. He also gets very frustrated if I suggest things don't make sense.

He saw a Dr a month ago after eventually accepting this isn't normal, and he's now on citlopram. He is awaiting therapy, but has been told the initial consultation may still be another month or more away. I don't know if I've fully got this across well, but the situation is all consuming and heartbreaking. He can't think about anything else. No work on the renovation, no plans for the future, and until a couple of weeks ago he was spending all weekend cleaning things rather than spending time as a family. I guess I should be grateful for that improvement, but I am struggling to cope with the constant stress. I think about leaving, but that feels awful as he's a great dad and husband when he's having a good day. I just wish he could get better soon.

I'm not even sure what I'm posting for - just feel so alone. If anyone knows of any family support resources/groups, please do let me know.

Yeah, I'm going to be the hardass here, I'm sorry
There is no way your DD isn't being significantly affected. If he can't live with you unless you conform to his rituals and compulsions, then he can't live with you right now, and needs to move out until his mental health is better.

Hi OP. This is so hard for you all.
Unfortunately you have been doing the wrong thing by facilitating the rituals and reassuring your DH, but you really weren't to know that.
There's no win for OCD. You do just have to learn how to live with it, it's not easy and it's tiring.
My DD has contamination OCD too although under good control at the moment.
He needs to understand better what is happening and that actually he does have choices and much more control than he thinks. He does need support and therapy to get there though.
You and your DD cannot live like this.

Gosh op, I don't know how you are living like this.

The car thing- the passenger seat is ok but the rest of the car not?

Your poor daughter and dog. This will be affecting them hugely, and you. He's not sympathetic to your mental health is he?

I would not be pandering to this anymore. I'd be using the house and garden as normal. If he can't cope he needs to leave. He needs to face up to this.

You can get private therapy and be on the NHS list. It sounds like an excuse from him. OCD is a hard one as you feel safe with the rituals, and you don't want to not have them.

I wish you well, you need to prioritise you and your daughter.

overcoming ocd book
Would he read a self help book to get some insights?

The NHS won't see someone who is already having private therapy but that's only whilst the therapy is ongoing. It's not a permanent blacklisting but they would probably take him off the wait list until he completes the private therapy
I am worried he will wait for the assessment and then wait again for the therapy course to start and that it might be months.

If you can afford a course of at least 10 sessions and can find a good CBT therapist (has to be experienced in OCD not just a counsellor) then it still would be a really good idea. Does he have any insurance or access via work?

www.bacp.co.uk
BACP is a good place to start for an accredited therapist

www.ocduk.org/shop/overcoming-obsessive-compulsive-disorder/

Book link didn't work in last post

After all your messages yesterday, this morning when he started trying to stop DD run into the hallway and making her wash hands after touching a pen, I told him he needs to stop letting his OCD rule our lives. That he should get private counselling as NHS could take months. He accused me of not helping him with the "little things" that can help him cope in the meantime. He was quite pissed off and left in a huff (preplanned trip to do some DIY), but just text me a long apology saying he's terrified and burnt out and will try to keep us out of it as much as possible. He's worried about cancelling to go private as he was told that the NHS services aren't endlessly available and what happens if he needs it again in the future.

Honestly I just feel like an asshole now for not helping him when he's struggling so badly.

He doesn’t need to cancel the NhS services, just additional private services

It sounds promising that he recognises that this isn't normal op and that he seems to want help.

In the meantime stop pandering to it. Don't open stair gates for him and start using your garden.

I have (now well treated) ocd. One thing I would suggest is that it is important for you to remember that this is not really about asbestos or germs. There is something else which feels out of control and those are the symptoms.

That helped me a lot to manage my symptoms and to recognise when things were not right. For example, my ocd is around driving so I have rituals around where is 'safe' to park and checking I have put the lights off. The hard thing is that some of those things are 'normal' eg it is normal to check you turned off the car lights so we can justify it to ourselves even when we start to move a bit outside what is normal like I would have to leave my desk to look at the switch itself and couldn't just look back at car across car park and see lights were off.

Cbt was really important for me, and nothing to stop your dh from having NHS and private treatment of course, neither side will ban him for doing one or other (I do think this is an avoidance strategy your dh is using here).

So now when I get these symptoms I can reflect on what is really worrying me and dealing with that root problem rather that just managing the symptoms. And also important to recognise and celebrate small victories eg I give myself a little mental pat on the back when I park somewhere new.

I hope that helps, if you are looking for private I went to the priory and they were great.

He doesn't need to cancel his NHS provision, he needs to recognise he needs help now. And you need to direct your worries and concerns into your DD. Every time you worry that you are not doing the right thing by him, you are worrying enough about doing the right thing by her. Whatever his troubles he is an adult, she only has you to advocate for her.

In case this podcast is helpful for you OP. I really like the presenter open.spotify.com/show/6R6KA5U9J9AC09DOFvNQpf?si=etfh7_QJQBa03BDLnRT31Q&utm_source=copy-link&dl_branch=1

Its called Your Anxiety Toolkit by Kiberley Quinlan

If he genuinely wants to get better, he'll do everything he can to do so . I think the PP point about your daughter is the clinch. He is impacting her - that his little controls trump her needs is concerning. By this point, I'd be demanding a private appointment held within x days or he moves out until this us resolved. Not you moving out - there is no way your child should be moved out of her home.

This charity could help - www.topuk.org/

You did the right thing this morning. I know it felt hard. You are not ultimately helping him by complying with his OCD. And for sure you aren't helping your DD by warping her need for normality around his illness.

He, and you, can't do this alone. He needs help now and trying to do it solo will be impossible for him. All you were doing was your job as a parent. He's not failing and neither are you. Hand him his phone and tell him to sort out private care. He doesn't have to cancel his NHS place.

You're a better woman than me. This would drive me mad and he'd have to leave.

It may be harsh but what you did this morning is helping. Constantly appeasing him and changing things isnt.

Professional help is the only thing that will help here

Just to add we are both very concerned about any long term effects on DD, and she is his main motivation for getting better

The cumulative effect of all the 'little things' is absolutely toxic though isn't it?

And it isn't helping him to cope. He may think it is but it's not. It is entrenching his obsessions and compulsions further. When you comply you are at some level validating that this is reasonable behaviour which it is not.

Not to mention what message it gives your child that people normally wash their hands after touching a pen?? Children do model adult behaviour and she may well become fearful of normal things. That is not scaremongering at all to say that. Freud famously did a very unethical experiment where he induced a phobia in a child by modelling being scared of a usually qunscary thing.

In the end all that will happen if he doesn't confront it is that the fear will spread and before you know it more areas will be out of bounds, the washing rituals will be more elaborate etc etc. They don't actually work of course to neutralise anxiety so more and more will be necessary over time. There is an element of cruel to be kind here. You need to show him and DD what normal non fearful behaviour is.

He can contact private therapists today. He doesn't have to tell the NHS at all. If he gets an NHS appt once he is well engaged with private therapy he should not take it and should let them know and give it to someone else but he can stay on the waiting list until he gets called and until he knows if private therapy is working out.

I would agree that if he isn't very actively taking steps to get this sorted ASAP then that is avoidance and is due to fear of confronting this stuff. You need to be giving him the message that this is intolerable for you and DD, you cannot wait, you need to see action and you will be living normally for her sake.

@PurplePenguins123

After all your messages yesterday, this morning when he started trying to stop DD run into the hallway and making her wash hands after touching a pen, I told him he needs to stop letting his OCD rule our lives. That he should get private counselling as NHS could take months. He accused me of not helping him with the "little things" that can help him cope in the meantime. He was quite pissed off and left in a huff (preplanned trip to do some DIY), but just text me a long apology saying he's terrified and burnt out and will try to keep us out of it as much as possible. He's worried about cancelling to go private as he was told that the NHS services aren't endlessly available and what happens if he needs it again in the future.

Honestly I just feel like an asshole now for not helping him when he's struggling so badly.

Just like some addicts steal things to fund their addictions... In a sense, it's an illness and they're not 'thieves' per se, but have nevertheless commited theft.

He is probably not an 'abuser' in the classic sense. Yet nevertheless, this behaviour.is abusive. Your daughter is growing up in an abusive household. And the fact that you are worrying that you are the asshole - when he got angry over him trying to make a child follow a totally unreasonable behaviour pattern - means that you have become used to enabling his behaviour and putting his needs before hers.

It's great you're taking these first steps, like a pp said, you need to set a timeline or similar.

The NHS / private thing is bollocks, there's no need for him to cancel the NHS, he can just go private and stop once he has an NHS appointment. However it is a very good way for him to delay dealing with it in any way.

Just like the addict in my example stole - well, either there was some choice to steal, in which case they need to make better choices, or they were in so deep that they were no longer in control. If that were the case, they shouldn't have children living with them, for example. And while your DH may not be ill in the same way, it's the same thing.

Either he can significantly pull back on his routines and control of you and your DD NOW, in which case he needs to make that choice and find support. Alternatively, he is too ill to be able to stop, in which case you need to.move out.

Emcourage him to call an emdr therapist. He may not even need that many sessions to make a difference.

A sibling's partner has OCD and it has ruined their life. None of us can visit them either inside or outside. Groceries must sit in the garage for a certain length of time (even pre-covid.

I know my sibling caters to it, which is upsetting. Apparently medication is rejected as well.

It is heart breaking. If your DH is open to treatment, OP, help him go for it. It won't get better on its own.

I think it's admirable that you're trying to be supportive here but I couldn't live like this nor have my child live like this. Not being able to go into parts of my own home, rewatching clothes? No way. I think you need to put yourself and your DD first here.

I'm actually horrified that you're enabling this behaviour with a small child in the house.

Before I get piled on, DH has got OCD albeit in a milder form. He likes things done a certain way, and he's "allowed" if that's the right word to have them that way - if he does it (ie the mug handles all facing one way in the cupboard). But the rest of us don't follow his rules. This is a family home, a shared space and he can do whatever he likes but he has no right to expect the rest of us to follow suit. His domains are the shed and garage where he can do whatever he likes.