Is anyone awake? My life has fallen apart

[StomaInATeacup]

3 months ago my husband told me he thought was trans. He started going to therapy and has been working through it. While I’m supportive of trans identities, I am straight, so he is/was aware that we wouldn’t have a future if that was the path he took. Side note - he’s been to the docs for an autism referral. Anyway the therapist told him he should try and live it as “exposure therapy” and I woke up at 12:15 to find he’d snuck out in the night and has gone back to his mums to take her advice. I’m massively simplified the whole situation but this has left me feeling so anxious and on edge. Hes not going to speak to me while he’s there but expects me to welcome him back with open arms if he realises that’s not the right route for him..

6 weeks ago I had emergency abdominal surgery leaving me with a temporary stoma bag. I still can’t function well and there’s no way I can run a household alone. I was just diagnosed with Crohns a couple of days ago.

To top it off, two of my cats have been spraying due to issues with a neighbour cat. Again I’m simplifying but we have spent hundreds of pounds and even moved house to try and fix the problem but it hasn’t. They are currently in a cattery with someone who is working with them to stop it, but I don’t see how I’m going to have them back with all of this going on

I feel so so ill, my stomach is playing up badly, my mental health was already fragile due to many other issues and I just don’t see how I can come back from all of this

I’m awake. I’m not sure I can offer anything constructive as I’m getting delirious at this time.

But I just wanted to say that sounds really tough and let you know there are definitely people up and reading. Hopefully those better placed to help than me.

Take care of yourself tonight.

I’m pretty delirious myself to be honest. Prior to all this I’d been joking that Murphy’s law was made for me as so many bad things have happened to me in my life and this just proves it clearly was!

At 32, nearly half my life being a shit show, I really don’t know how much more I can take.

There is a thread here on MN for women whose partners have decided they are Trans.

It's very supportive and you'll find under the feminism sex/gender topic.

I don't want to link to it as I feel that intrusive but I will link your thread to theirs and someone will hopefully say hello.

I’ve seen the trans widows thread. I’m just not sure I’m ready to accept it, I truly don’t believe he is and I’m fairly certain he’s autistic and that’s the reason he’s felt “wrong” his whole life. I just can’t believe this is how he would do it

I'm awake too. So sorry this has all happened at once for you. Is there anyone who could come and stay with you to help around the house while you recover from your surgery. I know if I was your friend in these circumstances I'd want to come and help in any way I could.

Afraid I don't have any experience of the trans thing but know there are threads of women on here who have lots of experience in this area.

Try to rest easy tonight. Things look better in the daylight

I’m so sorry you are going through this. What are your feelings about your husband? He has every right to live his life in the way that he wants to but equally so do you. Tbh I may get flamed for this but while I am an advocate of trans rights, I think this would be a game changer for me, regardless of the path he decided to take. I don’t feel that by sneaking off back to his mums in your current physical condition he is giving any thought to you and he is being extremely selfish.

I'm awake not much I can say. So sending hugs. You've got so much on your plate and all at the one time. I bet the bag is making you feel ancient. Hope you are better soon.

@StomaInATeacup

I’ve seen the trans widows thread. I’m just not sure I’m ready to accept it, I truly don’t believe he is and I’m fairly certain he’s autistic and that’s the reason he’s felt “wrong” his whole life. I just can’t believe this is how he would do it

It's not about accepting anything

It's simply about what he's said and connecting with other women whose been in the same position.

But there's no pressure to engage until/when/if you are ready.

What I would comment on though, is that in light of your medical issues, he's being a very poor partner in prioritising his well being over yours at this juncture.

That level of narcissism is something that is textbook when men decide to embark on Project SheMe.

I'm awake. Just would like to let you know that your feelings are valid

sorry to hear of all your troubles.
how many cats do you have.
realistically you may be better not bringing those two back.
you have to prioritise your own health at the moment.
esp as you cannot rely on your partner.
are you alone in the house, could you get anyone to come and help you.
try to take one step at a time. don't worry about what you can't do, just leave it.
i wish you all the best.

I feel so so sick. He has shaky mental health too and he’s now not answering me, I hope he’s actually with his mum because I’m scared for his safety too.

But I’m fuming as well. I don’t understand why he’s done this, why now?

My parents are here but I feel so guilty because it’s so late, and they can’t be with me to help me that much

I can’t sleep. I’m scared for him. This is the first time my stomach has hurt after the surgery, I think I’m having a flare up

I only have my parents, I have lived here for 6 years and not managed to make any friends, my only friend lives 5 hours from me and I’m too embarrassed to tell her what he’s done

Wow, this is a LOT to deal with all at once. Any one of those issues is bad enough on its own. YADNBU to feel overwhelmed.

Your husband is being incredibly selfish. Personally, I would be looking ahead to a future without him, regardless of what he decides about his "gender identity".

The cat issue is difficult. Don't feel bad for not taking them back if you cannot cope. You have enough going on. Prioritise your recovery and your DC. Please don't be ashamed to tell your friend what is going on. It is not your fault

Im sorry to read your distress OP.. you must take care of your own mental well being and your current health.. please prioritise you right now..

How will his Mother take this news ... Would she perhaps have an awareness/insight from during his childhood/teenage years ..

OP I hope you can get some rest.. 🌸

@StomaInATeacup I can't imagine what you're going through but I know when I've been struggling and feel alone it helps to know people are there. So even if all I can do is reply, listen etc then I'm here. x

I’m sorry I’m not replying to individual messages, I’m just panicking so much. He won’t answer me and nor will his mum, he’s taken a full bottle of rum and he doesn’t drink, I’m really scared he’s done something stupid and I can’t get anyone to respond to me. I’m calling the police because I’m really concerned

@StomaInATeacup how do you know he's had a bottle of rum? It's a terrifying situation and I feel horrible for you. Be as calm as you can, then you can think more rationally

He’s taken it with him. He has a bottle of kraken because he liked the bottle on display and it’s gone

@StomaInATeacup I can't relate to your exact situation but have been in similar... so all I will say is, make sure you're ok. If that means calling the police then do, they have experience in handling all sorts of situations. In the meantime make yourself a cup of tea and try to get yourself as calm as possible

@StomaInATeacup hopefully he's at his mum's and sleeping off the rum. If you don't want to call the police then helplines like the Salvation Army etc are very good at helping you talk through a situation

@StomaInATeacup sending you a massive hug, what a shitty series of events. I’d be livid and YANBU to feel as you do. Agree if you’re worried about his safety you could call the police. Keep your head high and stay strong xxxxxx

His mum lives about 2 hours away, I’m really in a panic here

@StomaInATeacup I'm awake and here if you want to talk over the phone or something. You're not alone x

@StomaInATeacup

How is everything now?
You need to try a sleep
Listen to a calming podcast that might help you drop off.

I still can’t get hold of anyone, our police station is closed so I need to call. No idea where he is and I’m so so worried