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Original poster

Is anyone awake? My life has fallen apart

92 replies

StomaInATeacup · 25/09/2021 02:09

3 months ago my husband told me he thought was trans. He started going to therapy and has been working through it. While I’m supportive of trans identities, I am straight, so he is/was aware that we wouldn’t have a future if that was the path he took. Side note - he’s been to the docs for an autism referral. Anyway the therapist told him he should try and live it as “exposure therapy” and I woke up at 12:15 to find he’d snuck out in the night and has gone back to his mums to take her advice. I’m massively simplified the whole situation but this has left me feeling so anxious and on edge. Hes not going to speak to me while he’s there but expects me to welcome him back with open arms if he realises that’s not the right route for him..

6 weeks ago I had emergency abdominal surgery leaving me with a temporary stoma bag. I still can’t function well and there’s no way I can run a household alone. I was just diagnosed with Crohns a couple of days ago.

To top it off, two of my cats have been spraying due to issues with a neighbour cat. Again I’m simplifying but we have spent hundreds of pounds and even moved house to try and fix the problem but it hasn’t. They are currently in a cattery with someone who is working with them to stop it, but I don’t see how I’m going to have them back with all of this going on

I feel so so ill, my stomach is playing up badly, my mental health was already fragile due to many other issues and I just don’t see how I can come back from all of this Sad

OP posts:
lljkk · 25/09/2021 04:47

Husband: leave him to it. Other relationship opportunities can happen in the space he left behind.
Cats: are safe for the moment. Decisions to make, but not immediate
Stomach: what are the prospects to fix you? What happens next?
Household: what are your commitments, are you looking after kids?
Mental Health: one day at a time, focus on what you need to do, the practical aspects

You're allowed to feel completely shat upon of course, but don't want to dwell pointlessly. Can you try to focus on what you need to do or must decide, each one day at a time.

indecis · 25/09/2021 04:48

@StomaInATeacup pm me if it would help to talk over the phone. Sending hugs and hand holds either way

Original poster
StomaInATeacup · 25/09/2021 04:48

I’m so worried but also furious at his behaviour. Why is his mum not even answering now? I’m clearly distressed and she won’t pick up the phone. She answered my first call when I realised he’d gone and I’ve just got a really bad feeling

OP posts:
Original poster
StomaInATeacup · 25/09/2021 04:49

Thank you @indecis I appreciate the offer but I’m in a complete panic state at the moment x

OP posts:
users689033 · 25/09/2021 04:50

OP do you have DC?

If you're worried report it Thanks

LST · 25/09/2021 04:52

Have you called the police? What have they said?

indecis · 25/09/2021 04:53

The calmer you are, the more capable you are. Easier to say than to do. Let the police handle the situation with him, they'll update you, and focus on yourself

Original poster
StomaInATeacup · 25/09/2021 04:58

I don’t have any children thankfully. Just me and the cats to worry about.

My dad is on the phone to the police now, I couldn’t face it.

It’s just such bizarre behaviour. I just want to know that he’s safe and I feel it’s quite cruel for him and his mum to keep me in the dark

OP posts:
icklekid · 25/09/2021 05:00

So so hard to read. I can tell your really worried, when his mum answered the first time did it give you the impression he wasn’t there?

Hopefully in the morning you will be able to get in touch with him. You need to be really clear the impact his disappearing in the night has on you. The impact of the timing of his deciding to do the exposure therapy now, whilst you are recovering from major surgery and struggling, has on you and your family.

I think you have 0 reason to welcome him back if he decides this is not what he wants because he needs to recognise that his actions have consequences. For now please let your parents help you. You will need to rest in the morning when hopefully you will know where he is and be able to.

users689033 · 25/09/2021 05:13

Just focus on yourself.

The cats are taken care of.

Did your dad manage to report him missing?

Original poster
StomaInATeacup · 25/09/2021 05:22

He definitely wasn’t there, he was asleep. He’s told me his friend has driven him home but I don’t believe it and I can’t relax until I know he is safe at least.

I have told him the impact. He doesn’t really seem to care much, he says he does but I don’t see how that can be true really.

I am scared to be alone. I’m not well myself mentally or physically now, if he leaves me for good, I really don’t know what I will do.

My dad has reported him missing. I don’t know what happens now though, will they go to his mums house for a welfare check? I’m so upset that both of them care so little about me that they won’t even just tell me he’s safe. I’m not asking him to come back or having a go. I just want to know he is alive

OP posts:
Cantchooseaname · 25/09/2021 05:22

Ah crap. What a night.
Hopefully when day comes you will get more info about where he is. Autistic or not, it is not nice to go without reassuring you he is safe.
Take care of yourself- you can’t change him. You are worth taking care of.

Original poster
StomaInATeacup · 25/09/2021 05:28

I only mentioned that we think he’s autistic because it ties in with gender issues. This is pretty unlike him which is what’s worrying my the most, he’s taken a whole bunch of random things, I just have a really bad feeling.

It’s hard to feel worth it when life keeps on shitting on you

OP posts:
Bogeyes · 25/09/2021 05:35

I hope he turns up

Original poster
StomaInATeacup · 25/09/2021 05:39

Me too. My parents are gone now, so just me alone with my thoughts, waiting for news. I feel so sick. This feels like torture

OP posts:
sjxoxo · 25/09/2021 05:43

@StomaInATeacup he’s been very very selfish in his behaviour.. you deserve better. Agree with pp that you need to put yourself first; that may well mean life without him. Will be hard but none of this selfish behaviour will be yours to deal with & it will leave space in your life for something 1000 times better xxxxx

Original poster
StomaInATeacup · 25/09/2021 05:45

I know he’s been selfish, I’m fuming at him for being so cowardly. But until I know he’s alive and safe I can’t feel much more than blind panic Sad

OP posts:
Rainbowheart1 · 25/09/2021 05:48

The trans issue is a thing, I’m not ignoring that, but put it to a side.

Your ina completely state, with a thousand things going on in the background, you need help and they have swanned of to their mothers. Disgusting! They don’t care for you. It’s all about them and what they want and what they want to do!

(Funny about the trans issue, no loving partner who was a woman would be heartless wneough to leave someone in the shit like this, to someone they loved)

trappistkepler · 25/09/2021 05:48

You are thinking about everything outside of yourself. You cannot control anything another person does or wants to do. You owe it to yourself to stop ... rest ... and gather yourself for YOU. So many times over and over people do not see their own worth on these forums. STOP it is you now, not him, you are not an extension of him. There is a life to be had with or without somebody that causes you this much stress and anxiety.

Rainbowheart1 · 25/09/2021 05:49

I wouldn’t be panicking, I’d be furious if I’m honest. Completely unreliable.

Original poster
StomaInATeacup · 25/09/2021 05:53

I know this, I know it all rationally, but he has shaky mental health and I would never ever forgive myself if he did something stupid. I would always blame myself.

Once I know he’s okay (I’m not deliberately misgendering, he hasn’t ever asked for a pronoun change) then I can sleep and be furious at what an utter cock he’s being

You’re not wrong @Rainbowheart1, he really has no “feminine” features, mannerisms. I just don’t really get it.

OP posts:
Original poster
StomaInATeacup · 25/09/2021 05:57

My robot vacuum has just come on and reminded me it’s morning, and I’ve not slept a wink. How could he do this

OP posts:
MyCatDribbles · 25/09/2021 06:03

Why oh why has he chosen now to do this
This is the height of selfishness and I’m very angry on your behalf

Meirou90 · 25/09/2021 06:04

OP your husband sounds typical of this selfish, all about me society we live in now. He’s took the bottle to create a big drama. Him and his mum are probably in bed right now.

If I were you, I’d leave him to it. Let him parade around in frocks and wigs and don’t give him the attention he’s craving. Focus on you.

RainyDay2020 · 25/09/2021 06:11

I couldn’t read this and not reply. I think your OH is just being so selfish in his actions right now. To leave you like that when you’re ill.
If you’ve already reported to the Police then not much you can do.
Don’t you dare blame yourself!
This sounds like long term issues he’s had are all coming together. I can see he may be having a crisis but it does not excuse the shitty behaviour.
Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone if you need to talk/rant here.