Is anyone awake? My life has fallen apart

[StomaInATeacup]

3 months ago my husband told me he thought was trans. He started going to therapy and has been working through it. While I’m supportive of trans identities, I am straight, so he is/was aware that we wouldn’t have a future if that was the path he took. Side note - he’s been to the docs for an autism referral. Anyway the therapist told him he should try and live it as “exposure therapy” and I woke up at 12:15 to find he’d snuck out in the night and has gone back to his mums to take her advice. I’m massively simplified the whole situation but this has left me feeling so anxious and on edge. Hes not going to speak to me while he’s there but expects me to welcome him back with open arms if he realises that’s not the right route for him..

6 weeks ago I had emergency abdominal surgery leaving me with a temporary stoma bag. I still can’t function well and there’s no way I can run a household alone. I was just diagnosed with Crohns a couple of days ago.

To top it off, two of my cats have been spraying due to issues with a neighbour cat. Again I’m simplifying but we have spent hundreds of pounds and even moved house to try and fix the problem but it hasn’t. They are currently in a cattery with someone who is working with them to stop it, but I don’t see how I’m going to have them back with all of this going on

I feel so so ill, my stomach is playing up badly, my mental health was already fragile due to many other issues and I just don’t see how I can come back from all of this

Focus on yourself and your recovery right now. You're going to make yourself severely poorly. Put yourself first here, because he isn't going to.

Hi OP, I'm awake too.
Maybe the trans thing seems like an 'easy' explanation to him for all the feelings he has - if he can put all his problems down to this being the issue, then he doesn't have to think about or deal with all the other stuff it might be.
He's not being a good partner to you though in any sense. Transing or depression or any mental health crisis can make people behave really selfishly. The thing is, even if they come out of it, you can never quite forget that when you really needed them, they let you down.
With that in mind, I think you have to try and mentally cut him off so you can focus on your health. It will be really hard but I think you have to try and stop feeling so responsible for him and the choices he is making.
Nothing that happens from here is your fault, there is nothing you can do to control his behaviour and attitude. He's a grown man and responsible for what he's done - he decided to sneak off in the middle of the night, you can't watch him 24/7. You've done everything you can, tried to call his mum and notified the police.

Once this immediate situation is resolved, in your shoes I'd not allow him home - I think you must put your own physical and mental well-being first. Can you get someone in yo help you with the house? Order shopping online? Leave the cats where they are for now. I'd also take some steps to protect your finances because you can't rely on your husband to not behave selfishly. I have alerts set up on my joint account to tell me what money has been spent, so if you and he share an account maybe you could set that up and if he's out spending it might reassure you that he's physically safe at least.
I hope you get some rest today x

I want to sleep but my heart is pounding so hard it’s keeping me awake.

If they’re both just asleep I’m going to be so angry. This has definitely triggered some sort of flare up for me, I haven’t even seen the gastro team yet to know how to manage it - it was the surgeon that gave me the diagnosis.

Thank you everyone for your words throughout the night. It’s good to read them. It’s good to know I’m not mad or unreasonable for thinking this was piss poor timing. I know he’s struggling with it but just why now? If he’s felt it for years which apparently he has, why right when I’m in need of assistance?

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously I agree he’s using it as a way to understand why he feels bad about himself. He’s had a rough life, and I’m sure it’s been a coping mechanism like “oh if I were a woman this wouldn’t have happened to me” type thing.

I am worried about the money. He has sole access to our savings (only £500) because I’m an impulse buyer. He has access to the joint where all the bills come from. I’m not working at the moment, I’m living on student maintenance and he earns more than me, I’ve not idea if he will spend it or not. At this rate I wouldn’t be surprised really

You've had an awful night at the hands of others!

The stress has triggered your crohns to flare up.

I wouldn't panic about your husband. I'm sure he's back with his mum being looked after.

You need to focus on you and trying to relax. A warm bath, warm drink and a cool dark room.

Leave your phone in another part of the house so you can unwind!

I know. I can’t believe neither of them could just tell me he’s safe, it’s so cruel and unfair.

I was misdiagnosed as having IBS for 7ish years and I’ve never experienced such an immediate reaction in my stomach. I’m scared for what this means for my insides, the surgeon took the bad bit out but I don’t know if this means it’s growing again (or whatever crohns does)

I can’t leave my phone. I can’t sleep until I know he’s alive. Taking the alcohol is so weird, he’s practically tee total and it’s really scared me

As soon as you know he's physically okay, I'd focus on the practicalities - get those savings back. Maybe talk to citizens advice and your students advisory services about additional finance options/benefits because I think you have to plan for being by yourself. You may get feel a bit better once there's a plan of sorts in place.
Maybe your stomach pain is the pain anyone would feel in this situation and not necessarily a flare up or a sign of something being wrong. It's totally normal to feel ill with the anxiety and you've just had surgery so it's going to be especially sore, not necessarily a sign that surgery hasn't worked.

I hope you get some news soon so you can rest today. I know that feeling of uncertainty if someone is okay or not and it's horrific. Try and keep calm (not easy I know) things are so much worse at night when you have little distractions and feel wired.

Leave the cats.
Leave him.
Stay with your parents for a while

I’m so tired I want to cry. I’m getting more worried as time goes on, it’s getting late and I don’t understand why no one has contacted me

I want to stay with my parents but I couldn’t leave the cats. They are clingy indoor babies, who have had a lot of stress lately with me being in hospital, then the two boys upping the spraying and creating tension, now husband leaving. I don’t want them to be more stressed if I leave them

The cats will be absolutely fine. What will happen to them if you are too run down/ill to care for them properly? They aren't alone and have each other and will probably only pick up on stress from you. Nothing will happen to them if you leave them for a day. Feed them breakfast and then head to your parents to get some rest. You can pop back later.

He fell asleep at his mums.

Now I’m shaking with rage. I’ve had no sleep. He’s apologising but this is just so cruel of him, and what’s his mums excuse

Is he coming home?

No. And actually as it transpires he wasn’t at his mums, he was at his friends round the corner. Another lie. I don’t know what to believe. He said he needs to give this a shot because it plagues him but he wants it not to be that path and for him to come home.

Not sure how I could ever trust him again now, apparently he’d been planning it for days.

I’m just so lost now. I don’t see a future for myself at all, I won’t ever find anyone else (I’m quite weird) that accepts me, I can’t work full time due to illness and it’s been that way for 10 odd years but I don’t qualify for any help. I’m just left with nothing

Since cats are in a cattery right now, why can't you go to your parents for a few nights/days?

@StomaInATeacup

I'm so sorry for all your going through

I'm going to focus my response on your physical health. The fact that you have a diagnosis now is brilliant and may mean that with treatment your health improves to the extent where you can work.

So keep your head up.

Call your gp ASAP today and request an urgent appointment:

1. they can help you with management of your crohnd while you wait to see a gastro and can fast track you if you can't wait
2. they can provide support for your stress and anxiety
3. they can put you in touch with your local IBD nurse who can work miracles in terms of progressing your care and helping you adapt to life with a stoma
4. they can provide mental health support to help you cope with this huge change in your marriage

I'd ask your parents if you one of them can come and stay with you for a few days. You need some proper looking after at the moment.

Please do get an emergency apt with the gp, you definitely qualify.

@lljkk two of my four cats are in the cattery. The girls could cope with an overnight but they’re so clingy, I feel bad.

GP not open today I have an app with gastro on the 4th so thankfully not too long. I’m already in NHS therapy via time to talk, but I will try and see my GP anyway as she is lovely and I’ve only 3 weeks of therapy left. Thank you for the tips, it’s so hard to think straight

His behaviour was premeditated, which means that he was absolutely willing to suit himself above all else, with no thought or care as to how his actions affect you and you deserve so much better than that. I'm really sorry to say but this person cannot be trusted to do right by you and from now on you have to harden your heart and do what is best for you physically, emotionally and financially, without considering his needs as a factor in what you do.

He said he needs to give this a shot because it plagues him but he wants it not to be that path and for him to come home.

I bet he does...

Yeah it was premeditated. I just don’t understand how this is my life now, I don’t have to energy to pick myself up and keep going. Not having any friends is awful, I don’t have anyone to cheer me up or do anything with

He is utterly self centred through and through.

I think right now you need to discount him as featuring in your life at all

Can you get a cat sitter so you can stay with your parents?

The trans widows thread is not aimed at women who've accepted it OP, quite the contrary.

I remember a night quite similar to the one you describe.

Do come over if you want our help.

Hi, I'm also a regular on the Trans Widows threads. Lots of support there for you.

About your current situation... please try to prioritize yourself over everything else, including the cats and especially your husband. Who regretfully seems to rate you very low on his list of priorities, something the trans widows see rather often.

Sleep, food, dealing with your health problems, please prioritize those. And if you can stay with family, that sounds like a really healthy thing to do.

OP I'm so sorry you've been dumped in this situation. When I have bad nights sometimes I find the sofa a good place to sleep in the day - at times like these any sleep is better than none!

I would highly recommend that you try more than anything to focus now in your own health, because nobody else is.

If he does something stupid, even in the future, that's his choice. If he doesn't, that's also his choice. You are not responsible for what he does - and he's helped make this clear by leaving. It wouldn't be your fault.

You have some serious health conditions. You don't have a support network. Write a list - today - of all the things you like doing, that make you happy, and that you'd like to do, even if they're totally pie-in the-sky right now. Anything from a hot air balloon ride to seeing the sun shining on a spiderweb (or whatever). Go back to this list every day and do one of these things - even if it's the same one every day. You need to have something in your day that feels good and it can be an uphill battle sometimes find even think of anything.

Focus on yourself. It's the only thing now that is going to help you. You can absolutely get through this, but you've got little energy so it's very valuable. Don't give it to anybody who doesn't recognise its value and give you a good return on that investment.

Hiya, I'm also from the TW threads. This thread is so full of panic and pain, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Nights like these are unfortunately all too common for TWs. Often, there seems to be something about gender issues in late-transitioning males that brings out a load of other personality traits that seem very unlike them, and a lot of the suffering TWs endure is trying to come to terms with an about face in behaviour, much of which is incredibly selfish.

Something that helped me when I couldn't calm down from the stress and worry during that time was remembering that it wasn't exactly his behaviour that was causing me such stress. It was my continued emotional attachment to someone that was clearly too unstable to be a good partner, whatever form their issues took.

So, gender issues aside, your partner has demonstrated uncaring and selfish behaviour by leaving suddenly in the night (which was planned!) with no warning after you've had a major surgery and didn't respond when you called to tell you he was OK. Whatever he's going through, he's demonstrated he cannot be relied upon. I could have saved myself loads of trauma if I had known what was coming down the pipeline with my ex and begun to emotionally detach earlier. It will be difficult and may require more logistics, but transferring your energy to people and organisations that can support you will help you to feel safer and calmer. It can feel absolutely devastating, but things WILL get better. Hoping your physical and mental health make a speedy recovery and that you get some sleep. xx